Kindergarten 1-29-14

Today I was working on J’s superpowers. But first I had to get him to work.

I skipped last week. We were behind at the library. Too many bins to check in and not enough people. It is a privilege to get to tutor. The only way I get to keep this privilege is to make sure things are covered at work.

Work was the last thing on the minds of V and J today. I asked V if she wanted to work and she said no. That is fine with me. I’m extra. I’m not ever going to insist on them working with me. It is all optional. If one doesn’t want to work, then that leaves more time for another who does. That’s simple enough.

However, I am going to insist that if they are with me, they are going to work. I had to spell that out to J today. We did fine for a little while, but then he started to get wild. I can adapt a little. Adapting is part of tutoring kids at different levels. But at some point there isn’t a way to make whatever the child has decided to do with the assignment into actually learning. At some point it is more noise than signal. At some point I have to redirect.

Sometimes I have to redirect at several points.

J was drawing “fireballs” before we went to the tutoring area today. I asked him about them and found out that the fireballs are not from a dragon, they are from him. He is a very active child. Active is a nice way of saying violent. This child throws, pushes and hits everything. Half the time I’m with him I’m trying to get him to calm down long enough to work on the lesson. Five year olds have a lot of energy but he has more than most. I worry about him.

He told me today that reading isn’t fun. I told him that is just because he doesn’t know how to do it yet. I told him that reading is an awesome superpower, trying to tie into the fireballs he was working on earlier. I’m trying to get him to see reading as a real superpower, one that is even better than throwing imaginary fireballs. I pulled out the instruction sheet I got from the teacher today and pointed out that because of reading I know what the teacher wants me to work on today. I pointed out it is like having a super secret spy language.

He isn’t buying it, but I’ll try again. I feel this might work.


How’s that New Year’s Resolution going for you?

I know a guy who wants to quit smoking. Well, he says he wants to quit, but then he goes and smokes another cigarette. He says you have to “You have to wait until you are ready to quit.” He says you have to have a motivation to change. I’d think the fact that he’s already had a heart attack and is sick all the time would be a good motivation, but it isn’t enough for him yet.

He’s waiting for a kick in the butt. The only problem is that sometimes the thing that is big enough for the kick in the butt is so big that it, itself, cannot be easily kicked. Or emphysema. Or cancer. Or just plain old death.

He’s using this as an excuse. He’s using it as a cop-out. If he really wanted to quit, he’d quit.

I’m not being mean. I quit smoking when I went to the emergency at three a.m. with heart problems. My heart was racing. I felt terrible. Fortunately it was a fluke, but then I started thinking. What about the next time, when it is something serious? Then it’s going to be harder. Sure, I dodged the bullet this time, but what about then? If I keep playing Russian roulette with cigarettes, I’m going to lose one day. This isn’t a good game to play.

Nobody makes you smoke. Nobody holds a gun to your head and makes you light up. Nothing is weirder than watching someone say “I just can’t quit smoking” and see them light up another cigarette. It’s like seeing someone possessed.

This same guy walked away from an abusive family when he was 15. One cold night he saw his stepfather beating his mother yet again and he jumped in to help her. His stepfather started to beat him viciously, stomping on his back in an effort to kill him. He managed to get away, and that night resolved to leave. He put on everything he owned because it was freezing outside and walked several miles to town. He walked away from certain death.

He could use that same energy now. Cigarettes are killing him, just as surely as his stepfather was going to. The bad part is that nobody is forcing him to stay in this abusive situation. He’s doing this to himself, over and over. Every cigarette is stealing his life, minute by minute, year by year. Every time he smokes he is killing himself as surely as his stepfather was going to kill him that cold night.

When he says “You have to wait until you are ready to quit” he’s just lying to himself. He’s ready, he’s just afraid. He’s smoked so long he doesn’t know what to do with himself if he isn’t smoking. Just thinking about quitting smoking causes anxiety, and he’s spent so long dealing with his anxieties by smoking that he goes and has another smoke.

It’s an ugly circle.

It’s easier to stay in an abusive relationship than to leave it, right? Better to stay with the devil you know.

He says that he’s done so much damage to his lungs that there’s no turning back now. This is just like saying that you’ve already ruined your diet by eating a piece of pie – so you might as well eat the entire pie.

I’ve suggested that he go have a ten minute walk instead of having a smoke. He says he can’t go walk every time. He’s at work. Yet he doesn’t get that he takes time to smoke. I’m not saying to double up on breaks. I’m saying to replace smoking with walking. I’m saying to take a walk break instead of a smoke break. It clears your head and reduces anxiety. It does all the stuff that smoking does but without the bad side effects. It worked for me.

He brushes all of this aside. He says he’s not ready to quit. Actually, he is. He knows he should. He talks about quitting, but he’s waiting for a sign. He’s waiting for proof that he has to quit. The fact that he has kept on living is proof to him that he’s tougher than cigarettes. He’s dodged the bullet. He’s survived.

Soon that will change. It always does. Nobody wins with cigarettes.


How does any change get done? Bit by bit. Piece by piece. It is totally impossible to make a sudden change for the better. Everything worth having takes a lot of time and a lot of effort.

Making any change is like starting a fire with a flint. You work really hard at the beginning, seemingly not doing anything. No flame is there. The desire is there, and the work is there, but there’s no flame. Then, suddenly, there’s a little spark. If you’ve prepared the area well with tinder, it will land on it and begin to burn. Then you have to have other small things to burn nearby. You have to protect that tiny little flame and feed it gently or you’ll lose it. Give it a huge log to chew on and it will die.

The same is true of good habits. You can’t go from nothing to something overnight. Start small. Add a little to it as you go. Build it up. Have patience with the process.

Just your desire to make a change in your life is a good start. It is the proof that you are working on it. But that is the flint.

Then you have to get some tinder nearby and a place for the fire. Have a few small tasks that you can do that will further your goal, whatever it is. Make sure they are small. Do a little of something. That will give you energy to do a little more.

You can’t make a fire just anywhere. You need to have a place for it. Likewise, you have to plan ahead and have a goal. You also have to know that you won’t get there immediately. This is normal and human. Wanting to do too much too fast will blow out the flame.

Sometimes the spark will fall to the side and not on the tinder. Sometimes things don’t go the way you meant for them to. Try again. Otherwise you’re going to be left in the cold.

Getting a lighter isn’t an option sometimes. Borrowing a torch from someone else also isn’t an option sometimes. Sometimes you have to start from scratch and you have to do all the hard work yourself.



Sometimes, just getting the dishes washed is a big thing.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with things around the house. The dishes are backed up. The laundry needs to be done. I need to pay the bills. When I go to do one thing, I find I can’t do it because there are three other things I need to do first. Just this morning I wanted to have some grapes with my breakfast. But I hadn’t washed the grapes yet. I looked at the sink, and the sink was full of dishes. It was going to be hard to wash them. And the drain rack was full too. Goodness gracious, it was all a log jam.

I certainly could have just washed the grapes around the dirty dishes. It isn’t ideal. Sometimes the grapes will drop into the sink and then they’ll sit there under the dishes and start to get slimy and gross. Then they’ll attract bugs. So that really isn’t a great option.

I could have let it all get to me and gotten overwhelmed. I’ve certainly done this in the past. But then there are more dishes, and more dishes, and they just don’t do themselves.

We have an understanding in our house that one person cooks and the other person washes the dishes. It seems pretty fair, but in reality the person who washes the dishes has it pretty easy. You have to cook every day. You don’t have to wash dishes every day. They can back up a little. The bad part is, they do back up and then it gets a little difficult to take care of it.

Then I have to break it down into pieces.

Alright. Start with something. Empty the drain rack. I need a place to put the dishes I’m about to wash. OK, that’s not too bad. That took three minutes.

Then I’ll look at the dishes to be done. Both sides of the sink are full. Not only are dishes from two (or three…) days in there, Scott used two pots last night because I wanted saffron rice and beans. So those have been soaking overnight to make it easier to clean them.

If only I’d washed them last night. They’d be done already. No soaking required.

But that way of thinking is a dead end. Saying “If only” doesn’t help with the right now. It helps a little for the future, so I can see what doesn’t work and try not to do it again. If I remember. But for right now, “If only” is a trap. Best to just notice it and then move along.

OK. I decide to wash some dishes. But then I’ll argue with myself that I don’t have a lot of time. This too is a dead end. It really only takes about ten minutes to do the dishes.

It is stunning how I’ll try to get out of doing what has to be done.

I create such resistance, and when I finally push through it and just do it, it isn’t nearly as hard as I was making it to be.

It doesn’t matter if you can’t do it all. Just do something. Even a little something is better than nothing.