Demon fireplace

Posted on November 10, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

At the retreat center I went to in September, there is a mantlepiece that was handcarved by a priest. He is related to the Sister that runs the center. The center is a retirement home for Sisters of Mercy. This particular mantlepiece isn’t actually being used over a fireplace. It used be in another building but it got moved here. It is a piece of sculpture at this point.

It is a little disturbing.

This is the part that draws your attention when you come into the room.

This part is at just below eye level. It is the largest part on the piece. It took the most amount of time.

I studied it up close, in part because it frightened me. I’m making part of my practice to not run away from things that frighten me. This has many layers – it wasn’t carved from one piece of wood. I seem to recall there were at least seven layers. I’m a little concerned that a priest spent this much time working on the face of a demon.

Let’s look at it straight on.

Here’s the view when you back away and look at the whole thing.

Jesus is insignificant in comparison.

It reminds me in part of Hindu carvings of Shiva dancing, yet his foot is on a tiny, hobbled creature that represents ignorance. I doubt that the priest had this in mind when he carved it.

Confessional.

Posted on November 9, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

At the retreat center I went to in September, there is a confessional in a separate room on the way to the chapel. The priest goes in first and sits behind the screen.

The confessee goes in separately and sits in the front section.

Here is the screen he sits in front of. It means that his identity is obscured. This is supposed to mean that he can speak freely, without fear of judgment.

I was amazed at the difference in the two sections. The area for the priest is three-quarters the size of the confessee. The priest’s chair is large and comfortable. The other chair is small and hard. The priest’s area is filled with light. The other area is dark and depressing.

It seems like the person who needs the light the most would be the person who is confessing. It seems to me that jamming him into a tiny, dark, cramped area will only add to his distress. He is there to be made to feel better. He is there to have his sins forgiven.

Now, the point is that all of our sins are already forgiven. Priests don’t forgive sins. Jesus does that. Jesus did that on the cross. The priest just reminds you of that. Sometimes they get that part mixed up.

This is a painting that is visible to both people. I don’t know the story behind it.

Reconcile

Posted on November 6, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

Reconciliation is an important concept. It is where you try to make things right. It is important as a means to bring forth peace and understanding. It is not healthy to hold a grudge or be angry. Reconciliation is a way to release that. It is more than forgiveness. It is a healing, where two people are made harmonious.

Jesus says in Matthew 18:15
15 If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother. (Amplified Bible)

He also says in Matthew 5:21-24
21 “You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder’; and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire. 23 So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you,24 leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. (NRSV)

Sometimes “brother” is translated as “another member of the church” but it can simply mean any other person.

We are called to be peacemakers and healers. The change in the world starts with us.

But what does it mean to practice reconciliation? You reconcile your bank balance every month. Money going out and money coming in needs to balance what the bank says you have and what you say you have. If there is a discrepancy, it needs to be found. Otherwise your account is in danger of being overdrawn.

The same is true with relationships.

I had a boss for 13 years who alternated between being a bully and a tyrant. She was horrible to work with. She wasn’t my direct supervisor so I didn’t have to deal with her that much, but it was enough. She was constantly in a bad mood. She was always angry, and would make up oppressive rules that had nothing to do with library policy. She would then change the rules and yell at us for breaking them. She was territorial. She put up passive-aggressive notes all the time. She was the master of psychological warfare.

When she announced she was going to retire, she said to all of us that she had been hard on us because she wanted us to be our best. It was for our own good that she had yelled at us for all that time.

I had suffered from her actions. I still have a little bit of leftover stress from her. There are many unhealthy habits I need to unlearn from dealing with her.

Shortly before she retired I asked if I could meet with her. I went into her office to talk. Now – even her office is oppressive. It is a small room with a huge desk. A chair for the visitor is wedged between the wall and her desk. It is very claustrophobic. I’m sure it is intentional. She was very aware of how to physically intimidate people. She did it way too often for it to be accidental. There is another chair that is slightly better positioned, but it always has her bag in it. I chose that one. I moved her bag to the floor. I talked to her for a little, trying to explain how I felt. I’d read a lot about boundaries and codependency recently. “Toxic Parents” was really helpful for knowing how to deal with her. It would have helped if I’d read these years earlier, but late is better than never.

There is only so much you can say in 30 minutes when there was 13 years of abuse. I had to be concise, and stay on task. I had to stay strong.

I reminded her of her statement – that she had been hard on us for our own good. I said – “Would it have been so hard to say “thank you” every now and then?” That got her. She had no answer for that. We never heard “thank you”. We only heard from her when we screwed up, which to her was often in her opinion. And mostly what we screwed up had nothing to do with our work. She was territorial. We used the “wrong” trash can. We didn’t cover our food in the microwave. We had boxes on top of our lockers. We contacted someone downtown at the Main library about anything.

She was terrified of any information leaving the building. She was being watched by Main administration. They knew how abusive she was. Yet they did nothing, because if they did she would have pulled the race card. But that is another post, for another day. We got abused because they were afraid.

I’m glad I talked to her. In the end, she didn’t come to understand anything. In the end, she started to turn it all back on me and make everything my fault. In the end, she was the same horrible person she always had been. I think that her problem is that she’s been a bully her whole life and she has never had anyone stand up to her and say “you can’t treat people like this.”

In the end, I walked away. I cried in the bathroom. I didn’t give her the pleasure of seeing me cry.

In the end, I’m glad that I did it. Nothing changed in her, but something changed in me. I spoke up. I told her how harmful she had been to me (and to all of us).

Now, when am I obliged to reconcile?

There is a lady at church who felt very hurt by my post “My Problem With Church”. She read it, and instead of talking to me about it (like Jesus tells us to do) she called the priest. The priest attacked me. I’ve not been back to church since. But this lady also sent me a very rambling letter about the post. She also used to go to my library, but I’ve not seen her since.

Do I have to reconcile with her? I don’t have a problem with her. She has a problem with me.

My post wasn’t about her, or her ministry. She is in charge of the Pastoral Care department. These are the people who take care of the people who are members of the church. This includes the elderly who need trips to the doctor or transportation to church. They visit the sick as well. This is to supplement what the priest is supposed to do.

My post had pointed out that church – not just that church, but all churches – is called to take care of everybody – not just those people who are members. Taking care of just the people in church makes it a club. Jesus tells us that we are supposed to help everybody.

Then there is a guy who was very abusive to me. He is a patron of the library. He threatened me. My boss knew about it, but he is still allowed in the building. Do I reconcile with him? Do I try to make peace with him? I am not the aggressor. He is.

At what point is it healthy for me to take care of everybody else’s feelings? At what point am I supposed to let them come to me if they have a problem with me?

I can understand reconciliation when it comes to making peace when I have wronged someone. I’m just not sure how it works if someone has wronged me, or if someone got their feelings hurt and it wasn’t intentional. Sometimes people need to work on their own emotional problems. Sometimes trying to fix it just causes more problems and brings up more pain for them.

Reconciliation is great, but it doesn’t come with any real instructions. And it certainly isn’t easy. Am I trying to avoid reconciliation because it is hard? Am I trying to make the other person’s responsibility because I just don’t want to do the work?

War on Christmas

Posted on November 3, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

How about we all declare a “war on Christmas” this year and we don’t buy anything for anyone? Celebrate by spending time with family. Make gifts, if you must give them. Make presence be your present. We cannot object to the commercialization of Christmas with our mouths and then support it with our wallets.

Christmas has become a tiresome event. It has grown into a monstrosity. It has become a reason to buy everything in sight and wear ourselves out. We have forgotten that Christmas was first celebrated in a stable, quietly, in the back alley of a nowhere town. It was celebrated by three people, surprised, alone, and unprepared. And yet it was enough. It was exactly enough.

We have forgotten in the midst of all the tinsel and paper and layaway plans that Christmas is about welcoming God into our lives. We have forgotten the joy of knowing that we are not alone in this lonesome world. God came to us, in the form of a helpless child, born to unwed parents, in a desolate and desperate time.

God comes to us, like that. God comes to all of us, quietly, surprisingly, in the middle of our tears and our troubles. God comes to us where we are, as we are. We don’t have to be perfect or well dressed or well educated. We just have to be ourselves, open to the questions.

What if God is real?
What if God loves us so much that God comes down to be with us, instead of us having to go to God?
What if “eternal life” means waking up, now, and living life fully?

Sometimes the questions frighten us more than the answers.

With the commercialization of Christmas we have traded big spending for the Baby. We have traded materialism for the Message. We’ve put so much “stuff” on top of the beauty of what Christmas really means that we can’t see it anymore.

Drop it all. Drop the lights and the show and the money. Drop it. It is holding us back. We’ve been fed artificial flavoring and coloring for so many years that we’ve forgotten what reality tastes like. “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8)

Indeed.

Forbidden food

Posted on October 31, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I was at a buffet recently and a Somali Muslim man was asking the staff what foods have pork in them. It started when he was looking at some marinated chicken and it was a little hard to tell what the meat was. The labels aren’t always right at that restaurant either, so it is better to ask. He finally was able to get a cook to come out and tell him what to avoid. Even going vegetarian isn’t safe if you can’t eat pork. This is the South. Vegetables are just a vehicle for pork here.

I was thinking about how hard it is for him to figure out what is OK for him to eat. There is a language barrier to deal with. There is the fact that he is in an area that isn’t always hip to other cultures. I wonder if he has the same problem I have when I’m trying to get something that doesn’t have peppers in it. I’m allergic to peppers, but no matter how I ask, I still get food with peppers in it. I’ve decided it is just flat out ignorance or indifference. The waiter just doesn’t know what is in all the dishes, or just doesn’t care. He doesn’t think to ask the chef because he doesn’t understand how serious the situation is. Nothing ruins a nice evening out like getting really sick.

If you are asking for religious reasons, do you feel the same way I do, or differently? I’m sad and frustrated when I keep getting served food with peppers even though I was assured it is pepper-free. Sometimes I pick out the offending bits. Sometimes I can’t pick the bits out because they are too small and I have to send the dish back. Sometimes I am just so tired of it all that I send it back anyway to show I’m not kidding.

There are no forbidden foods in mainline Christianity. You can eat anything you want, and many do, to the point that they get to meet their Maker sooner than they planned. So if you are in a predominately Christian area and you ask for no pork or no shellfish, and you get it anyway, do you take it personally? Do you see it as religious discrimination? Do you think they are attacking your faith?

If waiters are insensitive enough to serve something to someone that will make them sick or kill them, they are insensitive enough to serve something to someone that is religiously forbidden. It won’t kill you if you eat pork or shellfish. God won’t strike you down if you accidentally eat a forbidden food. It is the intentional consumption that is the problem. In an ideal world, waiters and chefs would take every food concern seriously. Until then, we have to either assume they are just clueless or we have to eat at home all the time.

Praying in color 10-30-13

Posted on October 30, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I asked God, How do I know I’m on the right path? He said – as long as you are seeking me, you are on the right path.

Sometimes I’d like it if the pictures come out awesome. But it isn’t about the pictures. The drawing is a vehicle. It is a way of distracting my mind so I can get to the heart of God. It is kind of like when I take large pills. Sometimes I have a hard time swallowing them, and I’ll wiggle my hand off to the side. I do that to distract myself, so I can think about that instead of the fact that I think I’m going to choke.

Drawing distracts me, so I don’t really think about what I normally think about. It gives my hands something to do. If “idle hands are the devil’s workshop”, keeping them busy means that God can get in and work, right?

There is something about drawing that just lets me know that this time isn’t like any other time, and it is time to open myself up. I set an intention and see what happens. Meanwhile, I draw whatever shapes and colors come to me to draw.

Sometimes it is about just showing up. I present myself and I try. I think God is there all the time, but I’m not always ready to receive. I find I have to make a space for God. It isn’t really a space for God, but a space for me to be available to God.

Consecrate

Posted on October 30, 2013 by betsybeadhead | 2 Comments

I’m trying something new. I’m trying to set aside every day as a time for God. I don’t mean that I’m trying to set aside a time for God every day. I mean that I’m trying to make the whole day a day for God.

This means that I’m trying to see everything and everyone as a messenger from God. I’m trying to welcome everything and everyone as divinely sent.

This isn’t easy. I forget a lot. And not everything and everyone is that great to meet. Some experiences are downright scary. Some are really boring.

But I’m still doing it. Every day, when I remember, I’m putting a line around the day. I’m standing inside that place, waiting for God. It is like cleaning your house, waiting for a guest to come.

I invite you to this practice. Set aside in your head every morning that today is a sacred day. Set aside the idea that this day is God’s day, and this day is special. It is like going on a retreat every day of your life. This way, everything has a special luster. Everything is a message. Everything has more meaning.

It makes you more alert, more interested. It means that you don’t take anything for granted. It means that you are waiting, lamp lit, for the Bridegroom to come.

Matthew 25:1-13.
(Jesus says) “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 2 Five of them were foolish and five were wise. 3 The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. 4 The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. 5 The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. 6 “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ 7 “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. 8 The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ 9 “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ 10 “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. 11 “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’ 12 “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’ 13 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.

Weather report

Posted on October 29, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I’m convinced there are only 5 days a year when people are happy about the weather. They are usually in early spring or early fall.

There are plenty of days where the weather is ok, just not perfect, and people don’t even notice. Sometimes the way to be grateful is to notice what it is not.

It is not raining.
It is not raining hard.
It is not flooding.
It is not 100 degrees.
It is not freezing.
There is no tornado
…earthquake
…wildfire
…tsunami
…mudslide
…volcanic eruption

You get the idea.

All in all, the weather isn’t bad. All in all, we are ungrateful wretches most of the time. All in all, we forget to be thankful for the many daily blessings that we are graced with.

“This is the day The Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad.”(Psalm 118:24)

This applies to every day. If we fail to notice the beauty and miracle of every day, we will spend our lives miserable. Just getting another day to live is a blessing.

Cursillo- the fourth day

Posted on October 26, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

Cursillo is like a combination of your birthday and Christmas and Easter and New Year’s and your wedding day, all crammed together in a weekend. And I don’t just mean the excitement of all that. I mean the symbolism and meaning of all that.

A lot of what makes Cursillo work is the surprise factor. However, you could be told everything that is going to happen and it still wouldn’t change the effect. It is the difference between reading a guide book on Paris and going to Paris. Experiencing something is far more powerful. I’m going to tell you something about it, but I can’t tell you everything, partly because it is different for everybody and with every team that is hosting it.

Cursillo is an intensely spiritual weekend. The Catholic Church has them, and the Episcopal Church licensed the concept from them. The Methodist church has a program called “The Walk to Emmaus”. They are all the same concept. The point is that by the end you will have had an encounter with the Holy Spirit.

I feel that this experience is mandatory for all adult Christians. If you take your faith journey seriously, go. It isn’t church camp for adults. It is a life-changing experience.

Going to Cursillo is like being upgraded from a 110 volt outlet to a 220. It is like being upgraded from a garden hose to a fire hose.

It is a modern day Pentecost. That was the time after Jesus had arisen from the dead and then ascended into Heaven. There was a long period in between where the disciples weren’t sure what was going to happen. Then the disciples were suddenly filled with the Holy Spirit and they gained the power to heal, speak in other languages, and minister to others in the same way that Jesus did.

Cursillo replicates that experience. It is an intentional calling-down of the Holy Spirit.

It is a bit overwhelming, especially coming from a non-evangelical church. I suspect Pentecostals and Church of Christ people are wondering what I’m talking about. They have this kind of experience much more often. In some churches, it has to be created, it isn’t a natural event. It really doesn’t matter how it happens, just that it happens.

I’ve written about some of what happened to me before. It is one of the posts in the “Strange but true” section.

Being filled with the Holy Spirit is a time of intense energy. There isn’t a lot of time for sleep. There is so much to do and learn. We are like little children who have just learned how to read. When we get it, that is all we want to do. When we get filled with the Spirit, we want to keep that connection going. Sometimes sleep isn’t really possible.

Coming back to the real world after such an experience can be very hard. It is called “the fourth day”. Sadly, they don’t give any advice on how to negotiate the world of work and family once you’ve been transformed. I’m going to try here.

Do everything slowly and carefully. Do everything with a sense of thankfulness and gratitude. You are like a new child at this point. You are relearning how to just “be”.

Like walking on water or handling snakes, it is a true test of faith. You are going to want to go back to your old ways of doing things, but your old ways were before you got filled with the Spirit. Breathe through this new experience. The Spirit will teach you what to do.

I found it helpful to make breathing intentionally a part of my practice. On the in breath, pray “Lord help me.” On the out breath, pray “Thank you
Lord” (or change Lord to Jesus).

Eat lightly. Consider going vegetarian. Meat is hard to digest during times of change and stress. Eat only half the amount of food that you normally would eat. Chew it slowly and thoroughly, giving thanks with each bite.

Avoid all spicy foods.

Avoid all stimulants, like sugar and caffeine. You are “high” enough. They will just tip you over the edge.

Try to stick with your normal routine – if you exercise, do that. Don’t make any sudden changes.

Things will look different. Expect that colors will be brighter. Things may have an extra layer of meaning to them. This is normal. The Spirit is revealing information to you that you have missed before.

Hymns and Scripture readings will have more meaning.

Don’t try to write everything down. Enjoy it. Soak it up. You will be overwhelmed with meaning at this time. Things will connect and make sense that you’ve never noticed before. This is normal.

It won’t stay at this level of energy forever. You can survive it. It is kind of like learning to surf – the wave isn’t going to be up for that long. But the best part – if you fall, you won’t drown. You are safe.

If you are woken up in the middle of the night, consider just following your intuition. The Spirit will lead you. You don’t have to lie there, wondering and fretting about lack of sleep. You’ll have as much rest as you need.

When I’m awoken, I get up and I go into my craft room. I’ll sit on the recliner, with a small blanket over my legs. I will turn on a small light so I’m not fully awake, and I’ll sit and see what the Spirit wants to reveal to me. Sometimes it means I need to write it out to discover it. Sometimes it means I need to read Scripture. Sometimes it means I need to draw. Whatever the means – there is something that needs to be uncovered, and I have some work to do. I’ve come to look forward to these middle-of-the-night conversations with God. They don’t happen a lot anymore, and I’ve gone from worrying about them (at first) to missing them. When they happen again it is like getting a visit from an old friend.

Welcome to this new life, this life of Spirit. It is kind of like learning how to read. Once you have been told about reading, and turned on to how to do it, that is all you want to do. Sadly, the “real” world isn’t into Spirit study all the time, so you have to integrate the two. I wish you luck in your path, as you learn your own special way to serve God in this world. Know that the Spirit is always with you for you to call on for help and advice.

Calling on Jesus.

Posted on October 21, 2013 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

There was a lady who came in yesterday to check out. Her fine was too high. In my system, if your fine is over $20, it prevents you from doing much of anything. It doesn’t have to be at 0, but it has to be at least at $20.

I could tell by her fines that this was a regular occurrence. There were a lot of little fines accrued over time. It wasn’t as if she had gotten some videos recently ($1 a day if they are late) and gotten a sudden accrual. I told her she would have to pay $3.50 in order to check out. She goes digging through her purse and finds 40 cents and asks me if that is enough. Uh. No. She was serious. I was too.

It isn’t like the library gets this money. It goes to a General Fund for the city. I have no idea what that money does, but it sure doesn’t buy books. But the point is still the same. If we have a rule where your fine has to be at $20 or below, it doesn’t do any good to alter that rule for somebody. The rules have to apply to everyone, otherwise what is the point of having rules?

She walks out and comes back a little later with some ones in her hand. She gives me her library card again, and it turns out she has $3.40. She looks at me earnestly. It is still not enough, and she knows it. She digs through and finds some pennies, and somehow is hoping that four more pennies will do the trick. I’m really getting stumped here. I’m really wondering what kind of math is going on in her head.

Then she finds a grimy dime, one that looks a lot like a penny, and gives me $3.50. She says she wants to give the four pennies towards her account as well. Our fines are all in 10 cent increments and it kind of messes things up to do anything less than that. I told her we don’t take pennies, so just keep them.

She said “Jesus!” She said it angrily, frustrated.

This isn’t the first time that someone has done this in front of me, and it makes me cringe every time.

I said “He has nothing to do with this.”

She said “He matters to me.” (So what about the “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain” rule, I thought to myself.)

I said that “He has nothing to do with the fact that your books are late. There is no reason to use His name as a curse.”

She was quiet. I put up the fine money and checked her out.

It may not have been my best moment. I wasn’t in a great mood that day. I’d just noticed that my “check engine” light is on, again, after just a month ago spending nearly $2000 to repair my car. My husband and I got into a little argument just before I left for work – something about how he was 3 months behind on a house repair project that had a time limit. Other people had sniped at me for stupid things before her. It may be surprising to realize that working at the library isn’t the safest of places for shy people.

I might have done this exact thing, in exactly this way, in spite of my less-than-perfect start to the day. I don’t have a lot of patience for people who act as if everything always just happens to them and they have no responsibility for their lives. It was her fault that she had a large fine – not anybody else’s. It was her fault that she didn’t have enough cash on her. It was her mistake that she thought that a lesser amount would do.

She wasn’t taking responsibility for her actions, and I think that is the core of my frustration. To then yell at Jesus for it is strange. Jesus heals the lepers, restores sight to the blind, makes the deaf hear, and raises the dead. Jesus isn’t the reason for your problems. Jesus is the solution to them.