Home » Rambles » Friends – to be, or not to be

Friends – to be, or not to be

What constitutes a friend? When is someone just an acquaintance? Can you really say that someone is your “BFF” if you’ve only known them for a year? When is it time to admit that they just are not that into you?

I have very few friends from high school. In fact, I have very few friends I’ve known for more than ten years. I’m a little exacting about what makes up a friend. They don’t have to be perfect, but they do have to be present. And they do have to be kind and considerate.

About five years after I graduated high school a person I knew showed up at my workplace, asking if we were still friends. I would think that she already knew the answer by that point, but we were young and nobody had told us what the rules were about how to have a friend or how to know when a friendship is over.

We’d not talked in years. I was surprised she even knew where I worked. We’d just drifted apart, because we had nothing to hold us together. Leaving the artificial environment of high school does that. Life does that.

The fact that she just showed up where I work rather than calling me first and asking to talk to me was a clue that things were over. Regular friends are considerate of your time.

She wasn’t a regular friend. I was assigned to her when we were in fourth grade. A teacher came up to me and asked me to be her friend because she was a loner. Her life was a bit sad. Her father has died, but before that he had been abusive. Her mom was doing the best she could raising her alone, but they were poor. The already bad start was just compounded. The teacher was trying to help her out by pairing her with someone she thought would be sensitive and kind.

I don’t think the teacher thought about what this would do to me.

It taught me that friendship is about sacrificing your own needs for others. It taught me that friendship is about taking care of others. It taught me that my own needs don’t matter. It taught me that I had to be there for the friend, but the friend didn’t have to be there for me.

I read recently “I’d rather have four quarters than 100 pennies.” The person was writing about friendship and about quality over quantity. When I first read it I didn’t get it. They both add up to 100. Surely it is the same.

But it isn’t the same at all.

Time is precious and life is short. I’d rather have a few real friends than a bunch of acquaintances.

I had a gathering for my birthday recently at a local vegetarian restaurant. I invited about a dozen people. Most were able to come. It was a very good evening. Nobody was needy. Nobody had to be entertained. Everybody there was the kind of person who is comfortable being in her or his own skin, and it showed. Everybody there was the kind of person who knew how to get along well with others, especially ones that they didn’t know.

And I felt better. I’m glad that I’m making healthy choices for myself. I’m glad that the food that I’m putting in me and the people I’m putting in my life are healthy ones.

It has been a long time to get to this point.

4 thoughts on “Friends – to be, or not to be

  1. it wonderful to see young children come together and after a few minutes playing together, call themselves friends. perhaps they feel safe and have no fear.

    I find the process starts by befriending my own heart. Knowing how to kindly be my own friend, it’s natural to be friends with others. And of course, we wish to have friends that help support our aspirations. Wishing you continued success.

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    • Thank you for your kind words. Yes – if we are not friends with ourselves first, then we really can’t be friends with anyone else. It is better to have two strong people together than two have have to lean on each other to stand up. Peace be with you!

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  2. Everybody there was the kind of person who knew how to get along well with others, especially ones that they didn’t know- that is wonderful. I have struggled with the concept of friendship as well and over the years lost many and kept a few good ones. Real friends are the only ones who are worth it.

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  3. I’m coming to realize that real friendship requires a lot of work on both people’s parts. I thought for years that if I was more agreeable (read: more passive) and asked for less, then the friendship would work better. If both people cannot be themselves, then it is a false friendship.

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