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ADD or modern culture?

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How much of it is Attention Deficit Disorder, and how much of it is the frenetic life that we are sold as “normal”? How much of it needs medication, and how much of it needs self-discipline?

How can we possibly try to focus on anything with so many distractions? TV on all the time. Music blaring in every store we go to. Earbuds in, cutting out actual reality, only to go home to watch “reality” on TV. We are told we need to buy this new thing, in order to save money. We are told we need to buy this other, newest, hottest thing in order to fit in, to be cool. We are told we need to wear this makeup to look natural.

How many phone numbers can you remember? Recall just ten years ago, you had to know the numbers of your friends. You didn’t have them stored in your smartphone, ready to dial at the push of a button.

Our new technology makes our lives easier, but makes our brains worse.

Strip it all away. Drop the broadcast TV. You’ll save money and your mind. You’ll find you have more time to live your own life, free of the siren song of the commercials and the game shows. Limit your time on the internet. Set a timer, get an uncomfortable chair, have someone rescue you if you are on longer than 30 minutes. Do you really need to read about which friend has a migraine or a sinus headache today? Perhaps that friend needs to consult a doctor rather than social networking.

I think the upsurge of ADD is a symptom, rather than a disease. It is a disease, in the truest sense, though. It is a dis-ease, a lack of ease. It is trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. We aren’t meant to live this fast, this crazy. We’ve been trying to make ourselves fit something that isn’t healthy. We’ve been trying to adapt ourselves to a reality that isn’t real.

We’ve forgotten how to grow our own food and how to cook it. Everything is prepackaged, including our lives. We’ve forgotten the simple pleasures of making things ourselves, with our own hands. We’ve gotten out of the habit of exercising as a way of life.

We’re paying for all this convenience with our minds and our health.

We don’t need 5 hour energy drinks. We need to get a proper amount of sleep.
We don’t need to hear about the latest scandal in Hollywood. We need to spend time with our friends.

It is time to slow down, take a step back, and reconnect with what we really need. Analyze everything. If it isn’t nurturing or necessary, drop it. This includes relationships, institutions, what you eat and drink, what you read, everything you consume or do.

Thriving with a mental health diagnosis.

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This is about mental health. Some of it is about depression, because that is something that many people wrestle with. But some of it applies to mental health in general. These are things that I’ve discovered that have helped me. I offer them to you with the hope that they may be of use to you as well.

Depression feeds on itself. It has its own gravity. It is like a planet that is larger than you, sucking you into its own orbit, making it hard to escape. But you can. Inch by inch, step by step, you can get further away from it. You have the power and control. It is a thing, a force outside of you. It isn’t you. Do not let your diagnosis be your definition. You aren’t mentally ill. You have a mental health diagnosis. It is very hard to be objective about your own care when it is your mind that is affected, but it isn’t impossible. It takes a lot of work, but it is completely worth it. Every little step counts.

I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was in my early 30s. I’m in my mid 40s now. I’ve hospitalized myself twice – the last time was over 12 years ago. Both times I realized that I needed help. Since then I’ve bought a house, gotten married, and been at the same job far longer than I can believe. I’ve become a stable adult SINCE my diagnosis. If it weren’t for my diagnosis, I’d probably be homeless now. It isn’t the illness that is the problem – it is what you do with it. You can live very well with a mental health diagnosis- you have the power.

There are steps you can take to take control of this condition, to not let it be in charge. Every little tiny thing you do is a positive step towards health, and each step generates a little more energy to be able to do the next step. You won’t be able to do it all at once, and you will fall and fail several times. This is normal. This is normal for everybody – not just those with a mental health diagnosis.

You won’t be able to do it all at first. But doing something is better than doing nothing. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is worth it. You are worth it. The disease will tell you otherwise. But I’m here, standing on the shore, having waded through the rapids and slipped on the rocks, and I’m telling you there is hope after diagnosis, and there is a way. There is a way to feel better, even to feel great.

It isn’t going to happen on its own, though. You have to do something.

Take your medicine every day. This isn’t like an antibiotic, where you take it for ten days and then you are done. You have to come to grips with the fact that this is a chronic illness. Chronic means forever. That alone can get you a little depressed. But – here’s a way to think of it. Without medicine, you will get worse. With medicine, you will be fine. We are lucky to live in a time where we have medicine to take. Medicine is essential, and taking it is a step in the right direction. Taking your medicine isn’t a sign of weakness – it is a sign that you want to get well. It is the opposite. It is a step on this path to health.

I like to think of mental health medicine as the same as medicine for diabetes. I used to think I could do all this on my own, that I could just eat right and exercise and I wouldn’t have to take pills at all. But if I had diabetes, I wouldn’t think that way, I’m pretty sure. I’d do what I could to help myself, and I’d take my medicine. We forget that we are biochemical machines – being in a human body is being part of a moving chemistry experiment. We are faulty in bits – it isn’t perfect. So we take medicine in order to fix what doesn’t work well. It is the same with glasses – if you have bad vision, you wear glasses or contacts. You don’t think you can adjust what you eat and do and suddenly see better. Props are healthy. It isn’t admitting weakness to ask for help. It is healthy.

Work with your doctor. If your medicine needs to be adjusted, tell her. Sometimes our body chemistry changes and the medicine no longer works. If your doctor doesn’t listen to you, get another doctor. I had one who treated me like a stupid child. He also said “That’s normal” when I said that I couldn’t concentrate enough to read and I was sleeping 10-12 hours a day. That isn’t normal. And a doctor who thinks that is isn’t a doctor, he is a quack.

Yes, it is hard to find another doctor. Making any change is hard – you feel like you are pushing a huge rock up a hill. You just want to sit there on that hill and just let things happen to you. This is the disease talking. If you let it win this conversation, it will keep winning. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. Every step you take gets you stronger.

Eating well and getting regular exercise is essential. It isn’t about a starvation diet at all – it is about making good choices with food. It is about seeing food as healing. It is about movement too – about intentionally incorporating moving into your daily routine. The human body isn’t meant to sit for hours at a time. You’ll feel much better if you move. It will be hard to do at first. It gets better. It gets amazing. You’ll be creaky and whiny at first. Keep on going. It gets better.

When I first started working out, I felt like I was going to die. It hurt, I was worn out, I was sore. It was really hard. I hated the class. I hated being there. I wanted the class to end. I puttered through, doing only about half the routine. But I felt better after the class was over. I felt glad that I had gotten through it, and done something good for myself. And then I got stronger, and now the classes seem easy. This is the trick. Stay with it. Of course it hurts at the beginning. You aren’t in shape. But keep going. Every good thing you do is a step towards healing.

Find what is right for you. I’m going to tell you what I do that works for me. It has taken me years to figure this out, and I’m OK with the idea that this may change. Currently I do yoga, water aerobics, and I walk.

I do yoga for 10-15 minutes every morning. I also take a yoga class every week. I have made a commitment to myself to do this. I’ve noticed that if I decide to skip one morning, or the class once a week, then I start to want to skip every day or every week, and then it is a month I’ve not had my class. My body and my head let me know that this isn’t good. Push through that resistance, that desire to not do what is good for you. Go ahead and do it, and you’ll feel better afterwards. You’ve won that battle.

There is something amazing about yoga. It unkinks your body and your head. It isn’t just exercise. It teaches balance, both physically and mentally. It teaches about acceptance of where you are, and gently pushing yourself to get better and stronger. Yoga is like a massage you give yourself. I recommend it highly. I’m grateful that my local YMCA teaches classes. There are many different kinds of yoga classes. Some are very basic, some are very advanced. If you go to one class and it is too much or too little for you, go to a different one with a different teacher.

I do water aerobics, at least twice a week. The class I take is taught by a very energetic teacher. I had thought that water aerobics was just for arthritic little old ladies, and while it can be, it doesn’t have to be. It can be a very vigorous cardio exercise with resistance. The water provides support and resistance at the same time. This exercise is great on your joints – you can move them and not hurt them like you would with land exercises. Also, water aerobics is fabulous for your core. Having a sexy belly does wonders for your self-esteem.

I walk every day at lunch for 20 minutes. I’ve had to bring my lunch to work to make this work out. I have changed how I work as well, and I get in a mile and a half. Again, every little bit counts. Even ten minutes of walking is better than none.

I’ve had to give up a lot to do these things. There is only so much time in the week when you work a full time job. But I’ve found that being healthy is more important than reading ten books a week. You have to figure out your priorities and find a healthy balance. Sometimes you can do several things at once – you can listen to an audiobook or a podcast while walking or gardening, for instance.

What you eat is important too. Why go through the effort of exercise if you aren’t going to put good fuel in your body? Balance is important here. If you eat a lot of high-energy foods (caffeine and processed sugar) you’ll crash hard. If you eat a lot of low-energy foods (junk food, fried, processed, meat) you’ll just drag through your day. You have been taught by our society that you need these things to get through your day. You don’t. Our culture lies about a lot of things, and is totally unaware of consequences. This is why so many people are dying of preventable diseases. Don’t be them. You have a choice, and you have control.

I eat yogurt or oatmeal for breakfast, along with grapes and bananas. Eat organic when possible. Eat more vegetables than meat. When you do eat meat, eat fish. Don’t eat anything fried. No sodas, and avoid processed sugar. It causes a crash. I’ve gone without caffeine for over 5 years. Caffiene is a cheat – it over balances. Drink mostly water, with some fruit juice. Go natural as much as possible. Eat real food, not processed. Again, you won’t be able to do everything at once. That is normal. Even doing one thing is a great start. This is kind of like learning how to juggle. You won’t be able to have all the balls up in the air at once. But do one, and get used to it, then do another. Patience yields progress.

Get outside. Get some natural sunshine. Go for a walk outside, or garden.

There is no substitute for sleep. Get enough sleep every day. You can’t shortchange yourself on that.

Avoid overstimulation. For me, this means avoiding the news. It isn’t news, so much as bad news. I can’t handle it. I’m overwhelmed. I feel helpless. I started by not watching the news. I would read it instead. Then even that got to too much. If you can, reduce noise around you. This is at work and at home. Too much noise jangles our nerves. The same is true with a lot of visual stimulation. I try to make sure the TV is off at 9:15, and I’m in bed by 10. I need time to wind down. I read before bed, but nothing stimulating or exciting. Usually non-fiction does the trick.

Find a creative outlet. Bead, paint, sew, make music. Do whatever makes you happy. It won’t be perfect at first. Nobody ever is. That isn’t the point. Get over your need for control and perfection and allow yourself the ability to play again. This is play. This is fun. It is the opposite of work. Allow “mistakes” – let yourself discover. I also highly recommend writing in a journal. Writing is essential. Write every day. Not only will you get things out, you will learn things.

Seek the company of good people. If someone is constantly bringing you down, they aren’t a friend. Friends are helpful, not destructive. Understand you may have issues with your boundaries. A lot of us do. Look at my post called “Survival books” under “Resources” and pick one. Read it. It will help a lot. You also might be a “highly sensitive person” – there are books in that list for that too. I’ve learned a lot from those books that have helped me understand how to deal with this diagnosis. You aren’t alone.

This is what I do to turn around depression. I look at what I’m doing that is different from my usual routine. Usually I’ve started eating more candy, or I’ve not gotten enough sleep, or I’ve slacked off on my exercise. I redouble my efforts. Drop the candy and pick up the walking shoes. You’ll turn this funk around. There will be times where you will want to slack off. Don’t. That creates negative energy. When you feel “I don’t want to exercise/eat well/ go to sleep on time” see it as a cranky toddler. Be the adult – you are in charge. If you slack off, it will win energy and get you to do it again. Then you are in a hole again.

I find having a faith is important. I read the Daily Office every day – it is a selection of three Bible readings. It is a regular structure. If left to my own devices I’ll read whatever I come across from a random page flip. And then I’ll not read at all. I’ve discovered that having regular habits is very important. I pray regularly. I’ve also developed a habit of thankfulness and gratitude. I find this is essential.

Get your way (get out of your way)

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There was a mom who came in the library recently. She picked out a bunch of books with her young son and then came up to the front desk to get a library card. Then she found out that because she lives in a different county she would have to pay a $50 annual fee to use this library.

She handled it perfectly. Some people get indignant. Some will shout “This is a free public library!” This is illogical. The books have to be paid for somehow. They don’t magically appear. Some think they are being clever and ask if they can use their relative’s address in this county. Or they ask to use the address on their license, which they have already admitted isn’t where they live.

Don’t try to get me to help you lie. It isn’t going to work. I’m not going to get fired for something stupid. I’m ok with bending some rules, but not the ones that I totally agree with. This one I agree with. You get what you pay for. Library funding in this state comes out of property taxes. You have to provide proof of current address to get a library card. It isn’t much to ask for to get to read all the books you want for free.

This lady not only took it in stride, she helped her son with it. He was distraught that he couldn’t get these books. He was sobbing, and his voice was going up in pitch and volume. In his mind, we were stealing from him. Some parents have not known how to deal with this strong emotion from their children and turn it back on the staff. Some have actually spun on us and said “you tell my daughter why she can’t have her books”. This is bad parenting.

We are strongly discouraged at work from saying what we want to say. Sometimes we are provided scripts for tricky situations. This is not one of those that we have a script for. I’m pointing out the ways this interaction has gone wrong in the past to illustrate how surprising this one was.

This mom picked up her son and hugged him. She patted him on the back. She made consoling sounds. And she totally took the blame. She realized that she should have checked about getting a card before she got the books with him. And she let him cry it out. She didn’t distract him. She let him have his emotion.

We are not comfortable with strong feelings. We are so afraid of them in ourselves and in others that we often try to cover them up or run right through them.

Breathe through them. Let them happen. If you push them down or shove them aside they will resurface in uglier ways, with terrible faces. Resentment becomes alcoholism. Being abused becomes incessant pain, stomach upset, or road rage. Feeling left out or ignored produces a bully.

It is ok to not get your way all the time. It is the mark of a well adjusted person who can handle that. It isn’t the feelings that are the problem. It is what you do with them. We’ve either forgotten that, or we never learned it. We want to push through the bad feeling straight to the good feeling. We shortchange our growth when we do this. Our society teaches quick fixes and instant gratification. Nothing good comes of this. There is no abiding sense of satisfaction that comes from this.

I remember once I’d spent the day hiking the dry riverbed at Fall Creek Falls state park with a friend. It was a bear of a hike. What would have been a 6 mile hike was more like 11 because it wasn’t a straight path what with climbing up and down the boulders in the riverbed. We were sore. We were exhausted. We hadn’t quite prepared for this.

When we finally got to the end, we went to the restaurant and had a fine meal. We were surrounded by people who had just driven there. We’d spent the day hiking, and they’d spent the day driving.

I have a strong suspicion that we appreciated our meal more.

The same is true with maturity. It takes the long path, and a lot of hard work. There are no shortcuts. And part of getting there is pain. But pain can be transformative. It can be alchemical. Work with it, and through it, and because of it. You’ll savor life more. Sure it hurts. But as Carl Jung says “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.”

News? No thanks.

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I no longer watch or read the news.

Hearing about yet another war or earthquake or tsunami or murder or kidnapping overwhelms me. I feel helpless. Perhaps I take things too personally. Perhaps I feel things too deeply. But hearing about tragedy, whether man-made or nature-made only wears me out.

I can’t do anything about it. I can’t fix it. I can’t make it right. I can’t save people.

I want to be a part of the change in this world. I want to let God work through me. But I’m only one person. I advocate for us all working together, but how can we make the world happier and safer when we are up against wave after wave of bad things happening?

Perhaps my problem is “news” really only means “bad news”.

Look at any news site. Every single article is bad news. Somebody killed somebody. Somebody died in some tragic way. A thousand people died in natural disaster. Flood or famine, it makes no difference whether the event is fast or slow, the result is the same. Yet another person died that I couldn’t help.

Yet another person got caught doing something wrong. Another person went to jail for stealing. Another virus was discovered that can’t be defeated and we are all going to die.

How come the news isn’t more balanced? It would help to hear about the discoveries that are being made. It would help to know about the good deeds that are done every day. These things don’t sell. Bad news sells. And I’m not buying anymore.

We don’t need to hear about the latest celebrity misadventure or adventure. I feel bad for celebrities, where their every move is watched by paparazzi. If we didn’t gobble up what the paparazzi are feeding us, perhaps it would go away. Making a movie or being a football star should be enough. They are famous for enough as is. Let them live their lives in peace.

Turn on the TV and it is either “reality show” or cop drama. These shows feed us an unhealthy idea of what is real with a side dish of paranoia. If you want reality, open up your front door and go outside. Talk to your neighbors. You won’t get reality on your TV.

Several years ago we had to get a second mortgage on our house. The air conditioner and the roof and the water heater all needed replacing in the same year. We cut expenses to afford it. Cable television was one of the things that went. The first week I was a little freaked out. Watching television was an essential part of how I defined myself. What would I do with my time?

It turned out to be the best thing ever. I had more time to read what I wanted to read. I was no longer being bombarded with ads for things I didn’t need. I was no longer mindlessly clicking through channels.

I’ve not watched broadcast TV for at least 5 years. Now I’ve decided to not read the news. I’d limited myself to only reading the news on applications on my phone such as Time, Huffington Post, the local news outlets, or I’d check Google’s news page. I’d limited myself to these because I could choose what I read. I didn’t have to be held hostage listening to a lot of news I wasn’t interested in before I got to the bits I was.

But even that is too much. It is all too much. It is all bad, and I can’t do anything about it, and I feel helpless.

Am I an ostrich? Am I putting my head in the sand? Or am I becoming awake to a mindless thing that is damaging?

In the Western, overly-connected, over stimulated, over saturated world we suffer from depression and anxiety at unmanageable levels. I propose that part of the cause is that we watch too much TV, and most of it is bad. I propose that part of that is that we are inundated with bad news.

We are wearing ourselves out. We are being worn away, drip by drip, by the endless Chinese water torture that is the “news”.

Waking up (answering the call)

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I’m often very slow to answer a call. Whether it is a call from nature or a call from God, I’m slow. I’ve just realized this. I’ve just put these things together. I’m figuring that by working on one, I’ll be working on the other at the same time. At the very least, noticing where there is a weakness means that it doesn’t have control over me.

I used to think it was just that I was slow to answer God’s call. After all, I’m bipolar. How am I supposed to know if it is God talking or if it is the disease talking? Now, bipolar disorder doesn’t usually manifest with hearing voices, but I’m just being careful. How do I know I don’t have an extra twist to my diagnosis? There are enough people who say they hear from God and it is more than obvious in their actions that they are making it up.

I think our society has done an amazing job of teaching people to question hearing from God. We joke about hearing voices in your head. Even mainstream church has taught people that hearing from God is something only prophets in the Old Testament did. It isn’t something that is done today.

I’ve long questioned what I’ve heard. I’ve long fought against it. I know things before they happen. I feel compelled to go up to total strangers and ask them if everything is OK, only to find out that it isn’t and they need help.

I’ve long fought against this, and been slow to respond. My church didn’t teach me how to recognize the voice of God, and that is the one place that should have. When I did finally come to accept what I was hearing, I was very slow in responding. I didn’t act. I feel that I’m going to get in further than I know what to do. I’m going to show up to something like a spiritual heart attack and all I have is a band-aid.

This is why I went to get training. I went to my minister three years ago and asked for training and oversight. I keep coming across people who are broken and hurting, and I want to help but I don’t know how. I want to gain the skills necessary to be helpful to them in their time of emotional crisis. I want to learn how to provide spiritual first aid. I figure training would help me to get over my hesitancy to answer God’s call. I’d know what to do. I also asked for oversight, so that others would make sure I was on the right path. Again, I didn’t want to be misled by my mind.

But my motives were questioned. I was put on hold. Three years went by before the process (the priest decided I was being called to be a deacon) even began, and then when it did I had to provide proof of when and where and by what priest and I was baptized. I had to provide proof of when and where and by what bishop I was confirmed. I had to provide certified copies of my college transcripts. I had to write my spiritual biography. I had to provide my financial records, to prove that I was a good steward of money.

This is all for a non-paying position. This is all for a job that would be over and above my real job that paid the bills, which was 40 hours a week already.

And I still hadn’t learned in that time how to discern if that voice I was hearing was God’s.

I did get to go to a Pastoral Care class, and that was helpful. On the surface, it was learning how to be a chaplain in a hospital. Deeper, it was about learning how to listen to people, really listen, in a deep way. It was about how to set aside my own fears and concerns and provide a safe place for the other person to get out their fears and concerns. It was like learning how to be a spiritual midwife.

I also got connected with a spiritual director. In order to go through the process, I had to meet with a spiritual director once a month. The fee for that is out of my own pocket. A spiritual director is kind of like a guru. She or he is trained in a divinity school usually, and the goal is intimacy with God. I’ve learned more from my spiritual director than I’ve ever learned from any minister in any church.

But I still haven’t learned how to determine what is God and what is in my head, and then to respond faster. I’m relaxing into it, however. I’m becoming my own teacher. This isn’t what I wanted, but it has to happen somehow. I’ve not gotten the help I wanted or needed from supposed experts, so I’ve gone off on my own.

It is sad that I asked for training on how to help people and I got challenged on it, and then I got delayed. I’d think that the desire to help people wouldn’t be so special that it needs a committee and assignments and paperwork. I think of all the people who are still just as lost and broken three years later, who still need help and didn’t get it because I was delayed.

I’m hurt. I’m angry. I feel deceived. I feel like I’ve been insulted and my time and energy has been wasted. I feel like I was being trained to wedge myself into the machine that is the church, to learn how to wait and respond to the bureaucracy of the church rather than how to wait and respond to the voice of God. The church would tell me that the two are the same, but you know a tree by its fruit, and something is rotten here.

I’m frustrated when I see someone who is homeless. I want to treat the cause, not the symptom. To give them a banana and a $20 bill is only going to help them right then. What about tomorrow?

There is a program in Nashville called Thistle Farms. It takes women off the streets, women who are drug abusers and prostitutes, and teaches them how to be human again. It is a two-year program, where they detox and learn job skills. While I admire the efforts of this program, I want to go backwards. I want to prevent people from becoming drug addicts and prostitutes to start off with. I want to prevent homelessness.

I don’t want to treat the symptom. I want to treat the cause. And I don’t know how.

And meanwhile I’ve left church because they not only didn’t support me but delayed me in my journey to understanding my calling. I’ve left church because the priest told me to not talk about God. I’ve left church because when I posted a blog about how far off the track I think church has gotten from the message of Jesus I got attacked instead of listened to.

I understand, a little. I understand how hard it is for members of the church, especially the priest, to accept that we are going in the wrong direction. I understand, because I felt that in church. I felt that I’ve wasted a lot of my time in church listening to somebody else’s interpretation of the Bible rather than being taught how to interpret it for myself – how to make it real, how to make it applicable to daily life.

It’s like I was given a really tasty cake every week but not taught the recipe. I want to learn how to make that cake myself. Then I want to share it with others.

That is part of what I’m trying to do here, with this blog. I’m trying to replicate what I’ve tasted, what I’ve experienced without a cookbook. I’m winging it. I think that just trying to figure it out on my own I’m getting pretty close to what it is.

I’m angry at every church I’ve ever been in for standing in my way. I’m angry at them for clipping my wings. I know it isn’t personal and it isn’t intentional. I feel like it was done to them too, so they didn’t know any better.

So in the meantime I muddle along. And I think there is something in the idea of getting faster at answering any call.

At the risk of getting too personal, I have a hard time waking up and going to the bathroom. I tend to lie there, in a mild state of discomfort, rather than getting up and just going. Or I have a tendency to be really cold and unwilling or unable to move enough to get a blanket to cover myself. I’m wondering if working on these things, these known physical needs, will help me with the rest. I’ll lie around, quietly miserable, and not do anything to help myself. I feel kind of paralyzed.

It is really hard to get disciplined when you are asleep.

It is hard enough when you are awake. It is hard to stop any bad habit and start a good one. It is hard to make time to exercise. It is hard to choose nutritious food rather than junk food. It is hard to divorce yourself from mind-numbing television shows and soul-eating relationships.

I feel that many of us are waking up, now, to ourselves, to our callings. I’m grateful. Our energy will carry over to others.

Stones

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I have a friend who needs more sleep. It will help with his anxiety and depression. It will help with his heart condition. It will help him to be more focused and less forgetful. He knows this, yet he keeps staying up late and getting up early, so every day is a repeat of the last and it is full of failure and pain. But like with liquor or drugs or any other vice he has to want to change and then there has to be grace in there somewhere too. It is hard to be stuck where you are, going around in circles. It is like Sisyphus, forever pushing that stone up a hill.

What stones do we have? Guilt. Shame. Anger. Fear. Hate. Racism. Abuse (of self or others). Drugs. Some of these stones are given to us by our parents, by classmates, by society. Some we pick up ourselves throughout our journey in life.

After a while it becomes very hard to carry all that weight. Sometimes we continue to carry our stones out of habit. Sometimes it is out of a sense of duty or obligation. Sometimes it is out of fear – what if we don’t know how to act without it? We’ve carried it around so long that we started to define ourselves by it.

I knew a guy who is an alcoholic. That is how he defines himself. He doesn’t say that he is a person with a drinking problem. The problem has become his personality. He has decided that “messed up” is who he is. He carries around this stone like it is a normal thing now.

I know women who stay with the same boyfriend for years even though it is plain that he is no good. He sits on the couch playing video games all day while she goes to work and supports both of them. He makes fun of her in public. But she stays, because she’d rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all. He is her stone. He weighs her down. But she doesn’t know how to move on. She doesn’t need him financially, and he isn’t helpful emotionally. But she’s defined herself by “being in a relationship”, even if it is unhealthy.

We are like that with our stones. We’d rather stick “with the devil you know” than to be on our own.

My Mom wanted to quit smoking for years, but she knew that my Dad would never quit. She thought it would be too hard to quit while he kept smoking. So she kept it up, all two packs a day of it. He finally left us to go live back home with his Mom (in his 50s) and then we found out my Mom had lung cancer shortly thereafter. She quit smoking then, but it was too late. She died at 53. Then he died just 6 weeks later. They had both killed themselves out of habit and an inability to change.

I wonder if Dad ever thought the same thing – that he wanted to quit smoking but didn’t think he could if Mom kept smoking? Wouldn’t that have been ?

I wonder if our friends and coworkers are like that? I’ll quit gossiping if you do. I’ll quit telling racist jokes if you do. What if we are playing chicken with each other? What if we are keeping ourselves back because of others? Who is going to be brave enough to take the first step and just drop the stone she is carrying that is slowing progress down?

Not taking care of our bodies is another stone. Overeating is a form of self-abuse. There is a pain that comes from being overfull. There is pain that comes from the guilt and shame of the addiction itself. Somehow the punishment (the obesity, the disability that comes with being so large) is seen as deserved. Sometimes the problem is that the person feels lesser-than, that he doesn’t deserve to feel good, to feel love. Sometimes becoming obese is a way to keep people away.

Sometimes people say they are too old to change. This too is a lie we tell ourselves so that we don’t get better. We think we can’t, so we don’t even try. As long as you are alive, there is hope. And if you start trying to get better, you’ll gain more life. You are only dead when you give up. As long as you keep trying to grow, you’ll get stronger.

One way to drop that stone is to realize that you are carrying it. You’ve carried it for so long that just dropping it outright seems impossible. Try doing it in little steps. Journal about it. Journaling helps you notice progress. It is like writing a letter to yourself.

I’m sending you a letter, now. I used to be where you are. I still have stones I’m carrying. The things I’ve done to grow and stretch have given me the insight and strength to get over and around other stones. I’m sending you this letter to let you know that you can do it. It is hard. It takes a lot of work. You’ll fall and fail quite a bit. You’ll stop doing the work for a while and then remember and start back up again. That is normal. You aren’t failing. You’re being human. I’m cheering you on.

In a way, I’m also sending a letter back in time to myself, to let myself know that there is hope. I’m 44 now. I was nowhere near this balanced and aware and healthy at 24. I wonder where I’ll be at 64? At 84? I need to remind myself to be gentle with myself but not allow myself to fall off the path completely. I’m trying to remind you of the same. Forgive yourself your failings, but keep on working on them.

I wonder if we can get a letter to Sisyphus and tell him to just walk away from that stone? Forget pushing it up the hill. It is easier to climb up the hill unburdened.

Insomnia

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I am starting to see insomnia as a good thing. Instead of fighting it, I’m seeing it as a chance to pray and get closer to God.

When I was at the Cursillo retreat last October I was awake at night a lot more than I’d wanted. The entire experience is a little overwhelming for the average person, and it is mind blowing for someone like me who has a mental health diagnosis.

When I’ve been in a manic phase in the past, I have experienced God directly in ways that mystic writers describe perfectly. This is part of why I’m so concerned that I never confuse whether I’m experiencing God or a facet of my diagnosis. I’m starting to realize that it is also important to not dismiss an experience just because of my diagnosis. Just because a person is bipolar doesn’t mean that God isn’t talking to them.

I’ve already written in part about the first night that I was unable to sleep and went to the small chapel. When the second night of wakefulness happened, I was a little miffed. I had come to trust that it was God waking me up by this point, but I also know that if I don’t get enough sleep then I’m not really that intact for the next few days.

So I started arguing with God. “Really? God? Are you kidding? You know how I get when I don’t sleep.” And I heard back the same kind of reply that Moses heard when he complained that he was not fit to go plead to Pharaoh for the release of the Jews from slavery. God said he made me, so he knows what I am capable of and what I can handle. And then he followed it up with “You said you wanted to spend more time with me”. I laughed. He had a point there. So I lay awake, praying. Praying to me isn’t about saying certain words over and over. It is about being comfortable in the presence of God. It is about relaxing with an old friend who knows me better than I know myself. Remember, God knew you as you were being knit together in your mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13)

So these nights when I wake up for no obvious reason, I am starting to use it as a reminder to pray, to get closer to God. I pray for the well being of all people, especially those involved in any recent tragedy. I feel out if there are any topics I need to write about. But mostly I try to relax and rest in the comfort of knowing that God is everything and is in control.

I’ve learned that the more I pay attention to how much sleep I didn’t get, the more wiped out I feel. But if I relax and don’t judge it to be bad, then I always feel fine. I may not get the amount of sleep I think I need, but I always get the amount I actually do need.

Autism and Asperger’s resources

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I have several friends and patrons who have children with autism or Asperger’s syndrome. I kept gathering post-it notes of helpful resources for them. I finally decided to put them all together in one place. Most of these deal with how to help your child (or yourself) navigate an often-confusing world. They aren’t about medication at all, but behavior modification. These books serve as a sort of occupational therapy, but without the cost. They give insight to parents and friends about what the world of autism and Asperger’s is like. You can find these at your local library. If your library does not have it – ask them to order it via Inter-Library Loan.

CALL # j616.8589 Q75p 2012.
AUTHOR Quinn, Patricia O.
TITLE Putting on the brakes : understanding and taking control of your ADD or ADHD / by Patricia O. Quinn and Judith M. Stern.
EDITION 3rd ed.
IMPRINT Washington, DC : Magination Press, c2012.
DESCRIPT 112 p. : ill. ; 24 cm.
NOTE “Self-help guide and resource for preteens with attention deficit
disorder (ADD) or attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder
(ADHD). Includes strategies to manage disorder and practical
ways to improve organization, focus, studying, and homework
skills. Also tips for making friends, controlling emotions, and
being healthy”– Provided by publisher.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 107-110)
SUBJECT Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder — Juvenile literature.
ALT AUTHOR Stern, Judith M.
ISBN/ISSN 9781433811357.
ISBN/ISSN 1433811359.
ISBN/ISSN 9781433811340 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1433811340 (pbk.)

CALL # j618.928 H8872w.
AUTHOR Huebner, Dawn.
TITLE What to do when your brain gets stuck : a kid’s guide to overcoming OCD / by Dawn Huebner ; illustrated by Bonnie Matthews.
IMPRINT Washington, D.C. : Magination Press, c2007.
DESCRIPT 95 p. : ill. ; 28 cm.
SERIES “What to do” guides for kids.
SERIES “What to do” guides for kids.
NOTE [This book] guides children and parents through the cognitive-
behavioral techniques used to treat obsessive-compulsive
disorder. This interactive self-help book turns kids into
super-sleuths who can recognize and more appropriately respond
to OCD’s tricks. With engaging examples, activities, and step-
by-step instructions, it helps children master the skills
needed to break free from OCD’s sticky thoughts and urges, and
live happier lives. This What-to-do guide is the complete
resource for educating, motivating, and empowering children to
work toward change.-Back cover.
SUBJECT Obsessive-compulsive disorder in children — Juvenile literature.
ALT AUTHOR Matthews, Bonnie, 1963- ill.
ISBN/ISSN 9781591478058 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1591478057 (pbk.)

CALL # 371.940835 B1677s.
AUTHOR Baker, Jed.
TITLE The social skills picture book : for high school and beyond / by Jed Baker.
IMPRINT Arlington, TX : Future Horizons, 2006.
DESCRIPT 177 p. : ill. ; 23 x 31 cm.
NOTE Previously published as: Social skills picture book.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Education.
ADD TITLE Social skills picture book.
ISBN/ISSN 1932565353.
ISBN/ISSN 9781932565355.

CALL # 371.9 L4144i.
AUTHOR Lavoie, Richard D.
TITLE It’s so much work to be your friend : helping the child with learning disabilities find social success / Richard Lavoie.
IMPRINT New York : Simon & Schuster, c2005.
DESCRIPT liv, 394 p. ; 25 cm.
NOTE “A Touchstone book.”
NOTE Includes index.
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Learning disabled children.
SUBJECT Social acceptance in children.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations in children.
ISBN/ISSN 0743254635.
ISBN/ISSN 9780743254632.

CALL # DVD 371.9 I898.
TITLE It’s so much work to be your friend [videorecording] : helping the child with learning disabilities find social success / presented by Richard Lavoie ; director, Bob Comiskey.
EDITION Full screen version.
IMPRINT New York : PBS Video, c2005.
DESCRIPT 1 videodisc (90 min.) : sd., col. ; 4 3/4 in.
NOTE DVD; Dolby digital.
NOTE In English or Spanish with optional Spanish subtitles; closed-
captioned.
NOTE Executive producers, Niki Vettel and Dennis Allen ; cameras, Bob
Birkett … [et al.] ; editor, David Feder ; music, Steven
Schoenberg.
NOTE Based on the book with the same title by Richard Lavoie.
NOTE The lives of most children are filled with joy, laughter, and
their daily adventures with friends, classmates, and teammates.
Some children, however, seem unable to make these important
connections with peers and, as a result, are often islolated
and ignored. Richard Lavoie explores the causes and
consequences of “social incompetence.” He provides strategies
for teaching friendship skills in the classroom, at home, and
in the community.
NOTE Just one friend. Affective matching ; Social memory ; Social
prediction ; Social relevance — They are missing 93%,
paralinguistics. Kenesics ; Proxemics ; Vocalics ; Artifactual
systems — It’s really much more than manners. Reputation
management — Who are your friends? — The coin of the realm,
playdates — The greatest gift.
NOTE DVD special features: Focus on Bullying, Boys + Girls +
Friendships – It’s All Different!
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Learning disabled children.
SUBJECT Social acceptance in children.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations in children.
ISBN/ISSN 9780793690510 (liner)
ISBN/ISSN 079369051X (liner)
ISBN/ISSN 841887005524.

CALL # 618.92 N899t 2012.
AUTHOR Notbohm, Ellen.
TITLE Ten things every child with autism wishes you knew / Ellen Notbohm.
EDITION Updated & expanded ed.
IMPRINT Arlington, TX : Future Horizons, c2012.
ISBN/ISSN 9781935274650 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1935274651 (trade pbk.)

CALL # 155.232 Z43h.
AUTHOR Zeff, Ted.
TITLE The highly sensitive person’s survival guide : essential skills for living well in an overstimulating world / Ted Zeff.
IMPRINT Oakland, Calif. : New Harbinger, 2004.
DESCRIPT 192 p. ; 16 cm.
SUBJECT Sensitivity (Personality trait)
SUBJECT Self actualization (Psychology)
SUBJECT Stress management.
SUBJECT Stress (Psychology)
ISBN/ISSN 1572243961 (pbk.)

CALL # 618.92 G4758r.
AUTHOR Gill-Weiss, Mary Jane.
TITLE Reaching out, joining in : teaching social skills to young children with autism / Mary Jane Weiss, Sandra L. Harris.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT Bethesda, MD : Woodbine House, 2001.
DESCRIPT xiv, 225 p. : ill. ; 22 cm.
SERIES Topics in autism.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Rehabilitation.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Education.
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Behavior modification.
SUBJECT Behavioral assessment.
ALT AUTHOR Harris, Sandra L.
ISBN/ISSN 1890627240 (pbk.) :

CALL # 649.1526 D2727s.
AUTHOR Dawson, Peg.
TITLE Smart but scattered : the revolutionary “executive skills” approach to helping kids reach their potential / Peg Dawson, Richard Guare.
IMPRINT New York : Guilford Press, c2009.
DESCRIPT vi, 314 p. : ill. ; 26 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 303-309) and index.
SUBJECT Parenting.
SUBJECT Executive ability in children.
SUBJECT Children — Life skills guides.
SUBJECT Child development.
SUBJECT Parent and child.
ALT AUTHOR Guare, Richard.
ISBN/ISSN 9781593854454 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 1593854455 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 9781593859879 (alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 1593859872 (alk. paper)

CALL # j153.43 B.
AUTHOR Burns, Marilyn, 1941-
TITLE The book of think : or, How to solve a problem twice your size / written by Marilyn Burns : illustrated by Martha Weston.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT Boston : Little, Brown, c1976.
DESCRIPT 125 p. : ill. ; 26 cm.
SERIES Brown paper school book.
SUBJECT Problem solving.
SUBJECT Problem solving — Problems, exercises, etc.
ISBN/ISSN 0316117439.
ISBN/ISSN 0316117420.

CALL # j618.92 V484s.
AUTHOR Verdick, Elizabeth.
TITLE The survival guide for kids with autism spectrum disorders (and their parents) / Elizabeth Verdick & Elizabeth Reeve ; illustrated by Nick Kobyluch.
IMPRINT Minneapolis, MN : Free Spirit Pub., c2012.
DESCRIPT 234 p. : col. ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE “This positive, straightforward book offers kids with autism
spectrum disorders (ASDs) their own comprehensive resource for
both understanding their condition and finding tools to cope
with the challenges they face every day. Some children with
ASDs are gifted; others struggle academically. Some are more
introverted, while others try to be social. Some get “stuck” on
things, have limited interests, or experience repeated motor
movements like flapping or pacing (“stims”). The Survival Guide
for Kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders covers all of these
areas, with an emphasis on helping children gain new self-
understanding and self-acceptance. Meant to be read with a
parent, the book addresses questions (“What’s an ASD?” “Why
me?”) and provides strategies for communicating, making and
keeping friends, and succeeding in school. Body and brain
basics highlight symptom management, exercise, diet, hygiene,
relaxation, sleep, and toileting. Emphasis is placed on helping
kids handle intense emotions and behaviors and get support from
family and their team of helpers when needed. The book includes
stories from real kids, fact boxes, helpful checklists,
resources, and a glossary. Sections for parents offer more
detailed information”– Provided by publisher.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
SUBJECT Children with autism spectrum disorders — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Family relationships — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Parents of autistic children — Juvenile literature.
ALT AUTHOR Reeve, Elizabeth.
ALT AUTHOR Kobyluch, Nick, ill.
ISBN/ISSN 9781575423852 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1575423855 (pbk.)

CALL # 646.7008 D5378s.
AUTHOR Diamond, Susan, 1961-
TITLE Social rules for kids : the top 100 social rules kids need to succeed / Susan Diamond ; foreword by Ann Gordon.
IMPRINT Shawnee Mission, Kan. : AAPC Pub., c2011.
DESCRIPT xi, 131 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Many parents are not sure of what to say and do to help their
children improve their social interactions. Social Rules for
Kids – The Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed helps open
the door of communication between parent and child by
addressing 100 social rules for home, school, and the
community. Using simple, easy-to-follow rules covering topics
such as body language, manners, feelings and more, this book
aims to make students lives easier and more successful by
outlining specific ways to interact with others on a daily
basis.
SUBJECT Social skills in adolescence — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
SUBJECT Socialization — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations in adolescence — Handbooks, manuals,
etc.
SUBJECT Social skills — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
ALT AUTHOR Gordon, Ann, Ph.D., BCET.
ISBN/ISSN 9781934575840 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1934575844 (pbk.)

CALL # j618.9285 K254a.
AUTHOR Keating-Velasco, Joanna L.
TITLE A is for autism, F is for friend : a kid’s book on making friends with a child who has an autism spectrum disorder / Joanna L. Keating-Velasco.
IMPRINT Shawnee Mission, Kan. : Autism Asperger Pub. Co., 2007.
DESCRIPT vii, 54 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Audience: ages 8-12.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references.
NOTE Eleven-year-old Chelsea explains what autism is, what it is like
to live with autism, and how to make friends with an autistic
child.
SUBJECT Autism in children — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Friendship — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Social acceptance in children — Juvenile literature.
ADD TITLE A is for autism, F is for friend.
ISBN/ISSN 9781931282437.
ISBN/ISSN 1931282439.

CALL # 331.59 S598a.
AUTHOR Simone, Rudy.
TITLE Asperger’s on the job : must-have advice for people with Asperger’s or high functioning autism, and their employers, educators, and advocates / Rudy Simone ; [foreword by Temple Grandin]
IMPRINT Arlington, Tex. : Future Horizons, c2010.
DESCRIPT xix, 156 p. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 141-149) and index.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Patients — Employment.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Patients — Vocational guidance.
SUBJECT Developmentally disabled — Employment.
SUBJECT Developmentally disabled — Vocational guidance.
ALT AUTHOR Grandin, Temple.
ISBN/ISSN 9781935274094 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1935274090 (pbk.)

CALL # 649.15 C999s.
AUTHOR Czudner, Gad.
TITLE Small criminals among us : how to recognize and change children’s antisocial behavior– before they explode / by Gad Czudner.
IMPRINT Far Hills, N.J. : New Horizon Press, c1999.
DESCRIPT 196 p. ; 24 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 193-196)
SUBJECT Problem children.
SUBJECT Behavior disorders in children.
SUBJECT Child rearing.
ISBN/ISSN 0882821806 (pbk.) : $14.95.
ISBN/ISSN 1271450031.
ISBN/ISSN 780882821801.

CALL # 618.9285882 H865r.
AUTHOR Howley, Marie.
TITLE Revealing the hidden social code : social stories for people with autistic spectrum disorders / Marie Howley and Eileen Arnold ; foreword by Carol Gray.
IMPRINT London ; Philadelphia : J. Kingsley Publishers, 2005.
DESCRIPT 160 p. : ill. ; 24 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 151-155) and indexes.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Education.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Rehabilitation.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Behavior modification.
SUBJECT Social skills in children — Study and teaching.
SUBJECT Narration (Rhetoric) — Psychological aspects.
SUBJECT Narrative therapy.
ALT AUTHOR Arnold, Eileen, 1944-
ISBN/ISSN 1843102226 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 9781843102229.

CALL # 649.1 E481u.
AUTHOR Elman, Natalie Madorsky.
TITLE The unwritten rules of friendship : simple strategies to help your child make friends / by Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT Boston : Little, Brown, c2003.
DESCRIPT xi, 340 p. : ill. ; 21 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. [317]-324) and index.
SUBJECT Friendship in children.
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Child rearing.
ALT AUTHOR Kennedy-Moore, Eileen.
ISBN/ISSN 9780316917308 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 0316917303 (trade pbk.)

CALL # 618.928588 N822q.
AUTHOR Norall, Cynthia La Brie.
TITLE Quirky, yes–hopeless, no : practical tips to help your child with Asperger’s syndrome be more socially accepted / Cynthia La Brie Norall, with Beth Wagner Brust.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT New York : St. Martin’s Griffin, 2009.
DESCRIPT xxv, 354 p. ; 24 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome in children — Popular works.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome in children — Social aspects.
ALT AUTHOR Brust, Beth Wagner.
ISBN/ISSN 9780312558499 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 031255849X (pbk.)

CALL # 362.1968982 W714p.
AUTHOR Willey, Liane Holliday.
TITLE Pretending to be normal : living with Asperger’s syndrome / Liane Holliday Willey ; foreword by Tony Attwood.
IMPRINT London ; Philadelphia : Jessica Kingsley, 1999.
DESCRIPT 175 p. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographic references ( p. 175 )
SUBJECT Willey, Liane Holliday.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Patients — Biography.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Popular works.
ISBN/ISSN 1853027499.

CALL # 616.85 C281a.
AUTHOR Carley, Michael John.
TITLE Asperger’s from the inside out : a supportive and practical guide for anyone with Asperger’s syndrome / Michael John Carley ; foreword by Peter F. Gerhardt.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT New York : Perigee, 2008.
DESCRIPT xvii, 252 p. ; 20 cm.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Popular works.
ISBN/ISSN 9780399533976.
ISBN/ISSN 0399533974.

CALL # 616.85882 G753w.
AUTHOR Grandin, Temple.
TITLE The way I see it : a personal look at autism and Asperger’s / Temple Grandin.
IMPRINT Arlington, Tex. : Future Horizons Inc c2008.
DESCRIPT xxxi, 260 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
NOTE Grandin offers helpful do’s and don’ts, practical strategies, and
try-it-now tips, all based on her “insider” perspective and a
great deal of research.
SUBJECT Autism.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome.
SUBJECT Autism in children.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome in children.
ISBN/ISSN 9781932565720.
ISBN/ISSN 1932565728.

CALL # 371.9 H3432c 2001.
AUTHOR Harwell, Joan M., 1936-
TITLE Complete learning disabilities handbook : ready-to-use strategies & activities for teaching students with learning disabilities / Joan M. Harwell.
ISBN/ISSN 0130325627 (pbk.)

CALL # 618.9285 K897o 2005.
AUTHOR Kranowitz, Carol Stock.
TITLE The out-of-sync child : recognizing and coping with sensory
processing disorder / Carol Stock Kranowitz.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 333-346) and index.
SUBJECT Minimal brain dysfunction in children.
SUBJECT Sensorimotor integration.
SUBJECT Perceptual-motor learning.
ISBN/ISSN 9780399531651 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 0399531653 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 9780399523861.
ISBN/ISSN 0399523863.

CALL # 613.7 G212i
AUTHOR Garabedian, Helen
TITLE Itsy Bitsy Yoga for toddlers and preschoolers : 8-minute routines to help your child grow smarter, be happier, and behave better / Helen Garabedian
IMPRINT Cambridge, MA : Da Capo/Lifelong, c2008
DESCRIPT 216 p. : ill. ; 24 cm
SUBJECT Hatha yoga for children, Exercise for children ISBN 9781600940088, 1600940080

Asperger’s Rules – by Blythe Grossberg

Hearing voices in the closet.

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If I have to be in the closet at church about the fact that God talks to me, then there is something profoundly wrong going on. Church should be the one place where you can safely and unselfconsciously talk about how God interacts with you. You walk on a thin edge if you talk about God at work or at the dentist office or at Wal-Mart, but church? You should be safe there. You shouldn’t be silenced there.

Yet that is exactly what has happened to me. Now, perhaps the priest was concerned because I’m bipolar. Perhaps she is afraid that I’m not in fact hearing from God. I understand this concern. I wrestled with it for years. For many years I doubted what I heard and knew. I doubted my experiences. I doubted God. And yet it was proven to me again and again that I wasn’t making this stuff up.

The Biblical test for prophets is to see if what they say God told them was going to happen actually happened. I passed that test. Repeatedly. God proved himself to me. God was far more patient with me than I ever would imagine.

It is very important to me to not lead people astray. The church has enough loonies. I didn’t need to add to their ranks. So I understand the priest’s fear. I had it too. And I worked through it. But she didn’t know the stories of when God talked to me and how He proved Himself. She hadn’t been there.

She told me that talking about God was “a conversation stopper” because “other people weren’t having that experience.” This should have been my cue to leave. This was in November, when she told me the deacon discernment process was put on hold for me. Hopefully you catch the irony here. If you are in the deacon discernment process, it is because you believe you are experiencing a call from God.

So it is OK to get a call from God. Just don’t answer, and certainly don’t tell anybody if you got a reply.

I waited, and watched to see how others in church communicate about their experiences with God. And I realized in the three years that I have been there, not a single person has talked about how God talks to them. Not a single person has mentioned that they even prayed to God.

Maybe they do talk to God in prayer, and in prayers of their own words rather than the pre-written prayers of the prayer book. Maybe they do hear from God, and in more than just the already recorded words in the Bible. But they sure don’t talk about it. Why not? Church should be a safe place to talk about such things. Church should be a place where we can have a conversation with God, not a monologue about God. And it should be a place where we can share our experiences with others.

Perhaps they forgot that the entire faith started with Abraham talking to God. Perhaps they forgot Samuel, David, Gideon, Elijah, Elisha, Isaac, Moses, Jacob, Solomon, Noah, Joseph, Mary, and Jesus all talked with God. If the entire religion is based on a person talking to God and so many following people doing the same, then why are we discouraged from being part of that?

God is real. God is constantly communicating with us. We just are too distracted to notice. We fill our heads with the noise of television and iPods and videogames. When God is somehow able to get a word in edgewise we ignore it as a trick of our minds or we think we are going crazy. Or worse, we are told to ignore it by the very people we should expect would be experts at knowing how to deal with it.

I’m not special. I’ve just learned how to cut out the noise. God wants you to hear from Him too. I’ll try to write further about how to hear from God. But I know that the first thing you must do is give God a space. Make some silent time. Be alone with God.

It is crazy to follow God. And it is beautiful and amazing. God knows so much more than I could ever know. My life has changed dramatically since I started trusting that voice. It is calmer. I trust that God is in control. I know that whatever happens is meant to happen.

But to not be able to talk about God in church, aside from what is scripted in the prayer book or in the Bible? Now, that really is crazy.

Getting it out.

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Originally posted on FB on 12-23-12

When you swallow something that isn’t good for you, your body has a way of dealing with it. Say it is spoiled milk or meat. You may notice that it isn’t quite right when you eat it, and spit it out. Or, it may be mixed up with other things and you don’t figure out early enough that it is a bit off. Fortunately your body knows better and will end up getting that out of you pretty fast one way or another. Generally you will throw it up, and while the throwing up part never feels good, you invariably feel so much better once you have gotten it over with.

So why do we suppress our emotions? When we take in something bad, something difficult to process, why do we in our society do our darnedest to not cry or yell? These are ways of getting out the bad emotions. I’m not saying that it is a good idea to fake being happy all the time – that too can cause problems. In fact, that is part of the problem. We need to experience all emotions, but we also need to know how to deal with the ones that overwhelm us.

It is OK to cry. It isn’t a sign of weakness. It doesn’t lessen your status as a “man” or as an “adult”. It is OK to yell and scream sometimes. I’ve read several books on grief recently and they all say that loudly expressing your grief is really healthy and helps you start to heal faster. Holding it in is exactly like holding in that spoiled milk or meat – you’ll just feel sicker.

I didn’t fully process my parent’s death when they died 6 weeks apart when I was 25. I didn’t know how, and I didn’t feel that I had time to. I had to handle the estate and then take care of myself. I had to get a full-time job. I had to take care of an old, rambling house. I had to figure out how to sell off my father’s car that he just bought. I didn’t have much help from my family on these matters. My aunt gave some money to tide me through for a bit. My brother was less than helpful, and in fact made the situation worse. My priest performed the funeral service, but didn’t tell me anything about grief. The hospice workers also didn’t prepare me. I didn’t know how to handle the pain, and the only model I had was how my family had handled everything big in the past. Sadly, that model was to just endure it quietly. My friends also abandoned me, one even saying that she didn’t know how to help me now – so she just left. This was common. Nobody called, and nobody came by. So my grief was multiplied- my parents had died, and it seemed like my friendships had died as well. Two years later I ended up in the mental hospital because of my grief and inability to process it.

When you are grieving, everything seems far away and not connected. It is as if you are looking at your life from far within yourself, and hearing everything as if it is through a paper tube. There is a lot of distance, both physically and psychologically. You may feel like you are walking through quicksand or molasses. Everything goes very slowly. It is hard to take care of everyday tasks, and so it is almost impossible to take care of unusual tasks like tending to your soul’s needs.

Grief isn’t just over a physical death. You can grieve over any loss or change. Changing a job, whether voluntarily or involuntarily can bring on grief. Divorce, whether you wanted it or not can do the same. Any change – moving to a different town or a house, having a baby, getting a new health diagnosis, can cause big emotions. It is important to recognize this and process this.

Bottle these feelings up and it is the same as swallowing your own sickness. It will only make you feel worse. Get it out! Yell, cry, wail. Complain to a trusted friend who can handle it. Seek therapy. I’ve heard something I like that I’ll share with you. There is a Jewish saying that it is important to have friends, and if you don’t have friends, it is OK to buy them – and this is the source of why it is OK to have a therapist. A therapist or a counselor is a paid friend.

So, my suggestion to you is to first recognize you are sick with grief and pain from a loss, and then to get it out. Don’t bottle it in. Crying is excellent medicine. If you don’t start to feel like your regular self in about a month, or if your grief is just too much for you, please seek professional help. Seeking this help isn’t a sign of weakness – to NOT seek help is. Self-medicating also isn’t the answer – it just puts a Band-Aid over a severed artery.

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