Autism and Asperger’s resources

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I have several friends and patrons who have children with autism or Asperger’s syndrome. I kept gathering post-it notes of helpful resources for them. I finally decided to put them all together in one place. Most of these deal with how to help your child (or yourself) navigate an often-confusing world. They aren’t about medication at all, but behavior modification. These books serve as a sort of occupational therapy, but without the cost. They give insight to parents and friends about what the world of autism and Asperger’s is like. You can find these at your local library. If your library does not have it – ask them to order it via Inter-Library Loan.

CALL # j616.8589 Q75p 2012.
AUTHOR Quinn, Patricia O.
TITLE Putting on the brakes : understanding and taking control of your ADD or ADHD / by Patricia O. Quinn and Judith M. Stern.
EDITION 3rd ed.
IMPRINT Washington, DC : Magination Press, c2012.
DESCRIPT 112 p. : ill. ; 24 cm.
NOTE “Self-help guide and resource for preteens with attention deficit
disorder (ADD) or attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder
(ADHD). Includes strategies to manage disorder and practical
ways to improve organization, focus, studying, and homework
skills. Also tips for making friends, controlling emotions, and
being healthy”– Provided by publisher.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 107-110)
SUBJECT Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder — Juvenile literature.
ALT AUTHOR Stern, Judith M.
ISBN/ISSN 9781433811357.
ISBN/ISSN 1433811359.
ISBN/ISSN 9781433811340 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1433811340 (pbk.)

CALL # j618.928 H8872w.
AUTHOR Huebner, Dawn.
TITLE What to do when your brain gets stuck : a kid’s guide to overcoming OCD / by Dawn Huebner ; illustrated by Bonnie Matthews.
IMPRINT Washington, D.C. : Magination Press, c2007.
DESCRIPT 95 p. : ill. ; 28 cm.
SERIES “What to do” guides for kids.
SERIES “What to do” guides for kids.
NOTE [This book] guides children and parents through the cognitive-
behavioral techniques used to treat obsessive-compulsive
disorder. This interactive self-help book turns kids into
super-sleuths who can recognize and more appropriately respond
to OCD’s tricks. With engaging examples, activities, and step-
by-step instructions, it helps children master the skills
needed to break free from OCD’s sticky thoughts and urges, and
live happier lives. This What-to-do guide is the complete
resource for educating, motivating, and empowering children to
work toward change.-Back cover.
SUBJECT Obsessive-compulsive disorder in children — Juvenile literature.
ALT AUTHOR Matthews, Bonnie, 1963- ill.
ISBN/ISSN 9781591478058 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1591478057 (pbk.)

CALL # 371.940835 B1677s.
AUTHOR Baker, Jed.
TITLE The social skills picture book : for high school and beyond / by Jed Baker.
IMPRINT Arlington, TX : Future Horizons, 2006.
DESCRIPT 177 p. : ill. ; 23 x 31 cm.
NOTE Previously published as: Social skills picture book.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Education.
ADD TITLE Social skills picture book.
ISBN/ISSN 1932565353.
ISBN/ISSN 9781932565355.

CALL # 371.9 L4144i.
AUTHOR Lavoie, Richard D.
TITLE It’s so much work to be your friend : helping the child with learning disabilities find social success / Richard Lavoie.
IMPRINT New York : Simon & Schuster, c2005.
DESCRIPT liv, 394 p. ; 25 cm.
NOTE “A Touchstone book.”
NOTE Includes index.
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Learning disabled children.
SUBJECT Social acceptance in children.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations in children.
ISBN/ISSN 0743254635.
ISBN/ISSN 9780743254632.

CALL # DVD 371.9 I898.
TITLE It’s so much work to be your friend [videorecording] : helping the child with learning disabilities find social success / presented by Richard Lavoie ; director, Bob Comiskey.
EDITION Full screen version.
IMPRINT New York : PBS Video, c2005.
DESCRIPT 1 videodisc (90 min.) : sd., col. ; 4 3/4 in.
NOTE DVD; Dolby digital.
NOTE In English or Spanish with optional Spanish subtitles; closed-
captioned.
NOTE Executive producers, Niki Vettel and Dennis Allen ; cameras, Bob
Birkett … [et al.] ; editor, David Feder ; music, Steven
Schoenberg.
NOTE Based on the book with the same title by Richard Lavoie.
NOTE The lives of most children are filled with joy, laughter, and
their daily adventures with friends, classmates, and teammates.
Some children, however, seem unable to make these important
connections with peers and, as a result, are often islolated
and ignored. Richard Lavoie explores the causes and
consequences of “social incompetence.” He provides strategies
for teaching friendship skills in the classroom, at home, and
in the community.
NOTE Just one friend. Affective matching ; Social memory ; Social
prediction ; Social relevance — They are missing 93%,
paralinguistics. Kenesics ; Proxemics ; Vocalics ; Artifactual
systems — It’s really much more than manners. Reputation
management — Who are your friends? — The coin of the realm,
playdates — The greatest gift.
NOTE DVD special features: Focus on Bullying, Boys + Girls +
Friendships – It’s All Different!
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Learning disabled children.
SUBJECT Social acceptance in children.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations in children.
ISBN/ISSN 9780793690510 (liner)
ISBN/ISSN 079369051X (liner)
ISBN/ISSN 841887005524.

CALL # 618.92 N899t 2012.
AUTHOR Notbohm, Ellen.
TITLE Ten things every child with autism wishes you knew / Ellen Notbohm.
EDITION Updated & expanded ed.
IMPRINT Arlington, TX : Future Horizons, c2012.
ISBN/ISSN 9781935274650 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1935274651 (trade pbk.)

CALL # 155.232 Z43h.
AUTHOR Zeff, Ted.
TITLE The highly sensitive person’s survival guide : essential skills for living well in an overstimulating world / Ted Zeff.
IMPRINT Oakland, Calif. : New Harbinger, 2004.
DESCRIPT 192 p. ; 16 cm.
SUBJECT Sensitivity (Personality trait)
SUBJECT Self actualization (Psychology)
SUBJECT Stress management.
SUBJECT Stress (Psychology)
ISBN/ISSN 1572243961 (pbk.)

CALL # 618.92 G4758r.
AUTHOR Gill-Weiss, Mary Jane.
TITLE Reaching out, joining in : teaching social skills to young children with autism / Mary Jane Weiss, Sandra L. Harris.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT Bethesda, MD : Woodbine House, 2001.
DESCRIPT xiv, 225 p. : ill. ; 22 cm.
SERIES Topics in autism.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Rehabilitation.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Education.
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Behavior modification.
SUBJECT Behavioral assessment.
ALT AUTHOR Harris, Sandra L.
ISBN/ISSN 1890627240 (pbk.) :

CALL # 649.1526 D2727s.
AUTHOR Dawson, Peg.
TITLE Smart but scattered : the revolutionary “executive skills” approach to helping kids reach their potential / Peg Dawson, Richard Guare.
IMPRINT New York : Guilford Press, c2009.
DESCRIPT vi, 314 p. : ill. ; 26 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 303-309) and index.
SUBJECT Parenting.
SUBJECT Executive ability in children.
SUBJECT Children — Life skills guides.
SUBJECT Child development.
SUBJECT Parent and child.
ALT AUTHOR Guare, Richard.
ISBN/ISSN 9781593854454 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 1593854455 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 9781593859879 (alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 1593859872 (alk. paper)

CALL # j153.43 B.
AUTHOR Burns, Marilyn, 1941-
TITLE The book of think : or, How to solve a problem twice your size / written by Marilyn Burns : illustrated by Martha Weston.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT Boston : Little, Brown, c1976.
DESCRIPT 125 p. : ill. ; 26 cm.
SERIES Brown paper school book.
SUBJECT Problem solving.
SUBJECT Problem solving — Problems, exercises, etc.
ISBN/ISSN 0316117439.
ISBN/ISSN 0316117420.

CALL # j618.92 V484s.
AUTHOR Verdick, Elizabeth.
TITLE The survival guide for kids with autism spectrum disorders (and their parents) / Elizabeth Verdick & Elizabeth Reeve ; illustrated by Nick Kobyluch.
IMPRINT Minneapolis, MN : Free Spirit Pub., c2012.
DESCRIPT 234 p. : col. ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE “This positive, straightforward book offers kids with autism
spectrum disorders (ASDs) their own comprehensive resource for
both understanding their condition and finding tools to cope
with the challenges they face every day. Some children with
ASDs are gifted; others struggle academically. Some are more
introverted, while others try to be social. Some get “stuck” on
things, have limited interests, or experience repeated motor
movements like flapping or pacing (“stims”). The Survival Guide
for Kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders covers all of these
areas, with an emphasis on helping children gain new self-
understanding and self-acceptance. Meant to be read with a
parent, the book addresses questions (“What’s an ASD?” “Why
me?”) and provides strategies for communicating, making and
keeping friends, and succeeding in school. Body and brain
basics highlight symptom management, exercise, diet, hygiene,
relaxation, sleep, and toileting. Emphasis is placed on helping
kids handle intense emotions and behaviors and get support from
family and their team of helpers when needed. The book includes
stories from real kids, fact boxes, helpful checklists,
resources, and a glossary. Sections for parents offer more
detailed information”– Provided by publisher.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
SUBJECT Children with autism spectrum disorders — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Family relationships — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Parents of autistic children — Juvenile literature.
ALT AUTHOR Reeve, Elizabeth.
ALT AUTHOR Kobyluch, Nick, ill.
ISBN/ISSN 9781575423852 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1575423855 (pbk.)

CALL # 646.7008 D5378s.
AUTHOR Diamond, Susan, 1961-
TITLE Social rules for kids : the top 100 social rules kids need to succeed / Susan Diamond ; foreword by Ann Gordon.
IMPRINT Shawnee Mission, Kan. : AAPC Pub., c2011.
DESCRIPT xi, 131 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Many parents are not sure of what to say and do to help their
children improve their social interactions. Social Rules for
Kids – The Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed helps open
the door of communication between parent and child by
addressing 100 social rules for home, school, and the
community. Using simple, easy-to-follow rules covering topics
such as body language, manners, feelings and more, this book
aims to make students lives easier and more successful by
outlining specific ways to interact with others on a daily
basis.
SUBJECT Social skills in adolescence — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
SUBJECT Socialization — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations in adolescence — Handbooks, manuals,
etc.
SUBJECT Social skills — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
SUBJECT Interpersonal relations — Handbooks, manuals, etc.
ALT AUTHOR Gordon, Ann, Ph.D., BCET.
ISBN/ISSN 9781934575840 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1934575844 (pbk.)

CALL # j618.9285 K254a.
AUTHOR Keating-Velasco, Joanna L.
TITLE A is for autism, F is for friend : a kid’s book on making friends with a child who has an autism spectrum disorder / Joanna L. Keating-Velasco.
IMPRINT Shawnee Mission, Kan. : Autism Asperger Pub. Co., 2007.
DESCRIPT vii, 54 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Audience: ages 8-12.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references.
NOTE Eleven-year-old Chelsea explains what autism is, what it is like
to live with autism, and how to make friends with an autistic
child.
SUBJECT Autism in children — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Friendship — Juvenile literature.
SUBJECT Social acceptance in children — Juvenile literature.
ADD TITLE A is for autism, F is for friend.
ISBN/ISSN 9781931282437.
ISBN/ISSN 1931282439.

CALL # 331.59 S598a.
AUTHOR Simone, Rudy.
TITLE Asperger’s on the job : must-have advice for people with Asperger’s or high functioning autism, and their employers, educators, and advocates / Rudy Simone ; [foreword by Temple Grandin]
IMPRINT Arlington, Tex. : Future Horizons, c2010.
DESCRIPT xix, 156 p. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 141-149) and index.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Patients — Employment.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Patients — Vocational guidance.
SUBJECT Developmentally disabled — Employment.
SUBJECT Developmentally disabled — Vocational guidance.
ALT AUTHOR Grandin, Temple.
ISBN/ISSN 9781935274094 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 1935274090 (pbk.)

CALL # 649.15 C999s.
AUTHOR Czudner, Gad.
TITLE Small criminals among us : how to recognize and change children’s antisocial behavior– before they explode / by Gad Czudner.
IMPRINT Far Hills, N.J. : New Horizon Press, c1999.
DESCRIPT 196 p. ; 24 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 193-196)
SUBJECT Problem children.
SUBJECT Behavior disorders in children.
SUBJECT Child rearing.
ISBN/ISSN 0882821806 (pbk.) : $14.95.
ISBN/ISSN 1271450031.
ISBN/ISSN 780882821801.

CALL # 618.9285882 H865r.
AUTHOR Howley, Marie.
TITLE Revealing the hidden social code : social stories for people with autistic spectrum disorders / Marie Howley and Eileen Arnold ; foreword by Carol Gray.
IMPRINT London ; Philadelphia : J. Kingsley Publishers, 2005.
DESCRIPT 160 p. : ill. ; 24 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 151-155) and indexes.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Education.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Rehabilitation.
SUBJECT Autistic children — Behavior modification.
SUBJECT Social skills in children — Study and teaching.
SUBJECT Narration (Rhetoric) — Psychological aspects.
SUBJECT Narrative therapy.
ALT AUTHOR Arnold, Eileen, 1944-
ISBN/ISSN 1843102226 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN/ISSN 9781843102229.

CALL # 649.1 E481u.
AUTHOR Elman, Natalie Madorsky.
TITLE The unwritten rules of friendship : simple strategies to help your child make friends / by Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT Boston : Little, Brown, c2003.
DESCRIPT xi, 340 p. : ill. ; 21 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. [317]-324) and index.
SUBJECT Friendship in children.
SUBJECT Social skills in children.
SUBJECT Child rearing.
ALT AUTHOR Kennedy-Moore, Eileen.
ISBN/ISSN 9780316917308 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 0316917303 (trade pbk.)

CALL # 618.928588 N822q.
AUTHOR Norall, Cynthia La Brie.
TITLE Quirky, yes–hopeless, no : practical tips to help your child with Asperger’s syndrome be more socially accepted / Cynthia La Brie Norall, with Beth Wagner Brust.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT New York : St. Martin’s Griffin, 2009.
DESCRIPT xxv, 354 p. ; 24 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome in children — Popular works.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome in children — Social aspects.
ALT AUTHOR Brust, Beth Wagner.
ISBN/ISSN 9780312558499 (pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 031255849X (pbk.)

CALL # 362.1968982 W714p.
AUTHOR Willey, Liane Holliday.
TITLE Pretending to be normal : living with Asperger’s syndrome / Liane Holliday Willey ; foreword by Tony Attwood.
IMPRINT London ; Philadelphia : Jessica Kingsley, 1999.
DESCRIPT 175 p. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographic references ( p. 175 )
SUBJECT Willey, Liane Holliday.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Patients — Biography.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Popular works.
ISBN/ISSN 1853027499.

CALL # 616.85 C281a.
AUTHOR Carley, Michael John.
TITLE Asperger’s from the inside out : a supportive and practical guide for anyone with Asperger’s syndrome / Michael John Carley ; foreword by Peter F. Gerhardt.
EDITION 1st ed.
IMPRINT New York : Perigee, 2008.
DESCRIPT xvii, 252 p. ; 20 cm.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome — Popular works.
ISBN/ISSN 9780399533976.
ISBN/ISSN 0399533974.

CALL # 616.85882 G753w.
AUTHOR Grandin, Temple.
TITLE The way I see it : a personal look at autism and Asperger’s / Temple Grandin.
IMPRINT Arlington, Tex. : Future Horizons Inc c2008.
DESCRIPT xxxi, 260 p. : ill. ; 23 cm.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references and index.
NOTE Grandin offers helpful do’s and don’ts, practical strategies, and
try-it-now tips, all based on her “insider” perspective and a
great deal of research.
SUBJECT Autism.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome.
SUBJECT Autism in children.
SUBJECT Asperger’s syndrome in children.
ISBN/ISSN 9781932565720.
ISBN/ISSN 1932565728.

CALL # 371.9 H3432c 2001.
AUTHOR Harwell, Joan M., 1936-
TITLE Complete learning disabilities handbook : ready-to-use strategies & activities for teaching students with learning disabilities / Joan M. Harwell.
ISBN/ISSN 0130325627 (pbk.)

CALL # 618.9285 K897o 2005.
AUTHOR Kranowitz, Carol Stock.
TITLE The out-of-sync child : recognizing and coping with sensory
processing disorder / Carol Stock Kranowitz.
NOTE Includes bibliographical references (p. 333-346) and index.
SUBJECT Minimal brain dysfunction in children.
SUBJECT Sensorimotor integration.
SUBJECT Perceptual-motor learning.
ISBN/ISSN 9780399531651 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 0399531653 (trade pbk.)
ISBN/ISSN 9780399523861.
ISBN/ISSN 0399523863.

CALL # 613.7 G212i
AUTHOR Garabedian, Helen
TITLE Itsy Bitsy Yoga for toddlers and preschoolers : 8-minute routines to help your child grow smarter, be happier, and behave better / Helen Garabedian
IMPRINT Cambridge, MA : Da Capo/Lifelong, c2008
DESCRIPT 216 p. : ill. ; 24 cm
SUBJECT Hatha yoga for children, Exercise for children ISBN 9781600940088, 1600940080

Asperger’s Rules – by Blythe Grossberg

Hearing voices in the closet.

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If I have to be in the closet at church about the fact that God talks to me, then there is something profoundly wrong going on. Church should be the one place where you can safely and unselfconsciously talk about how God interacts with you. You walk on a thin edge if you talk about God at work or at the dentist office or at Wal-Mart, but church? You should be safe there. You shouldn’t be silenced there.

Yet that is exactly what has happened to me. Now, perhaps the priest was concerned because I’m bipolar. Perhaps she is afraid that I’m not in fact hearing from God. I understand this concern. I wrestled with it for years. For many years I doubted what I heard and knew. I doubted my experiences. I doubted God. And yet it was proven to me again and again that I wasn’t making this stuff up.

The Biblical test for prophets is to see if what they say God told them was going to happen actually happened. I passed that test. Repeatedly. God proved himself to me. God was far more patient with me than I ever would imagine.

It is very important to me to not lead people astray. The church has enough loonies. I didn’t need to add to their ranks. So I understand the priest’s fear. I had it too. And I worked through it. But she didn’t know the stories of when God talked to me and how He proved Himself. She hadn’t been there.

She told me that talking about God was “a conversation stopper” because “other people weren’t having that experience.” This should have been my cue to leave. This was in November, when she told me the deacon discernment process was put on hold for me. Hopefully you catch the irony here. If you are in the deacon discernment process, it is because you believe you are experiencing a call from God.

So it is OK to get a call from God. Just don’t answer, and certainly don’t tell anybody if you got a reply.

I waited, and watched to see how others in church communicate about their experiences with God. And I realized in the three years that I have been there, not a single person has talked about how God talks to them. Not a single person has mentioned that they even prayed to God.

Maybe they do talk to God in prayer, and in prayers of their own words rather than the pre-written prayers of the prayer book. Maybe they do hear from God, and in more than just the already recorded words in the Bible. But they sure don’t talk about it. Why not? Church should be a safe place to talk about such things. Church should be a place where we can have a conversation with God, not a monologue about God. And it should be a place where we can share our experiences with others.

Perhaps they forgot that the entire faith started with Abraham talking to God. Perhaps they forgot Samuel, David, Gideon, Elijah, Elisha, Isaac, Moses, Jacob, Solomon, Noah, Joseph, Mary, and Jesus all talked with God. If the entire religion is based on a person talking to God and so many following people doing the same, then why are we discouraged from being part of that?

God is real. God is constantly communicating with us. We just are too distracted to notice. We fill our heads with the noise of television and iPods and videogames. When God is somehow able to get a word in edgewise we ignore it as a trick of our minds or we think we are going crazy. Or worse, we are told to ignore it by the very people we should expect would be experts at knowing how to deal with it.

I’m not special. I’ve just learned how to cut out the noise. God wants you to hear from Him too. I’ll try to write further about how to hear from God. But I know that the first thing you must do is give God a space. Make some silent time. Be alone with God.

It is crazy to follow God. And it is beautiful and amazing. God knows so much more than I could ever know. My life has changed dramatically since I started trusting that voice. It is calmer. I trust that God is in control. I know that whatever happens is meant to happen.

But to not be able to talk about God in church, aside from what is scripted in the prayer book or in the Bible? Now, that really is crazy.

On blessing, and thankfulness.

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If you are Jewish you are obliged to say 100 blessings a day. One hundred times a day you are to find something to be thankful for. There are prayers for everything, and just looking over the prayers can remind you of how blessed you are in more ways than you ever realized.

There are prayers to be said upon seeing an unusual person. Upon seeing a rainbow. Upon seeing someone beautiful. There are of course various prayers for food. My favorite are the bathroom prayers – where you give thanks that everything that should stay in, stays in, and everything that should get out, gets out. I would never have thought to have a prayer of thanksgiving for that, but it makes perfect sense. All of these prayers make you mindful of all the many ways you are blessed every day. They keep you aware and grateful.

I think this is an excellent practice. We humans often take our many blessings for granted. We forget to be thankful for electricity until it goes out due to a storm. We forget to be grateful for running water until we need a plumber. We constantly grumble about what we don’t have while forgetting to be thankful for what we do have. And often we forget that “bad” is often just our value judgment. Our need to label things “good” or “bad” causes us many problems.

Here’s a twist for you. Give a complement to a stranger. Do this often. Start small and work your way up to complementing 10 strangers a day. Find something about them to tell them how cool it is. Perhaps it is their hairstyle. Perhaps it is something they are wearing. Look them in the eye when you tell them what you have noticed that is cool. Be sincere. Notice how this changes them and you. You both feel better. Well, you might be a little freaked out at first because you are shy, but trust me, you’ll get over it. Happiness spreads. Be a blessing to someone else.

One of the lines I like to incorporate into our supper prayers includes “Dear God, thank you for all that we have, and all that we don’t have.” Sometimes not getting what you want is actually a blessing.

This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad. This applies to every day. Even the rainy ones. Even the ones with a tornado warning. Be thankful for everything, at all times. It takes practice, but it is worth it.

Sheep.

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There is the parable of the lost sheep. Jesus as the shepherd goes after the one. Every one is important. This lesson is used to remind us of how much God loves us. He cares for us personally, intimately, wholeheartedly.

There is a concern I’m hearing about me leaving church. It is the concern that I am the lost sheep. The only problem with that is that I’m not a sheep. Or maybe I am – it depends on your definition of sheep.

Most people feel that sheep are very docile. They are seen as soft and sweet. In the cartoons they are depicted with big smiles. Sheep need a shepherd because they aren’t smart enough to get where they should be on their own.

In that sense, of course people should worry about me. In that sense, I’m a danger to myself if I wander. I could get lost. I could get hurt. I could fall into a ravine. Or worse, I could wander around aimlessly and never return.

This image of sheep is a false image. Have you ever gotten face to face with a sheep? They are not fluffy and sweet. They are fierce. They will face you down if you dare to get in their area. Sheep are not what you think. They are so much more.

When I went to Great Britain with my aunt we spent a lot of time in the country. We saw sheep from afar mostly, but one time I wanted to see a Roman ruin that was in the middle of a pasture. Those sheep were not happy with me being there. They faced me off. Sheep don’t smile. They glower. That was a terrifying experience. And an enlightening one. It let me know from personal experience that everything I’d been told about sheep wasn’t true, in the least.

Sheep need a shepherd? No. Sheep are able to get by just fine on their own, thank you very much. It is more honest to say that the shepherd needs the sheep. The sheep are his livelihood. He trains them to be dependent on him so that they don’t get ideas about wandering.

Jesus says that his sheep know his voice. They come to him when he calls. Have you ever thought that when a person leaves a church it is for that very reason? They don’t hear their master’s voice in that church. They leave because they want to follow Jesus, and they realize they aren’t hearing him while stuck inside a building, going through the same old rituals that have been performed for 2000 years.

I’m not saying that folks in my old church aren’t getting what they need there. I’m saying that I’m not. I’m saying that the closer I get to Jesus, the further I want to run from church. All church. The entire idea of church. But I don’t want church as it is. Church as it is feels dead. The Body is on life support. It isn’t alive.

I want community. I want sharing. I want natural growth and support. I want there to be no leader. I want everybody to participate. I want no money to be used for this. I want people to work hard on their faith and their life. I want people to listen to each other honestly and with caring. I want dialogue. I want people to feel free to share their different viewpoints.

Hurray for sheep. They aren’t what you think they are. They are much more.

Handshake

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Have you ever listened to the odd sound that a fax machine makes when it is trying to connect with another fax machine? There is a weird series of sounds and whirs and chirps and whistles. This series of sounds is called a handshake. Machine number one is trying to figure out what frequency machine number two is on so it can send the fax correctly. When they are able to properly connect it is the same as two people shaking hands.

When people shake hands they are communicating in a basic way. At a primal level they are saying they don’t have any weapons in their hands. Simply to touch another person is a big deal. We have a lot of rules about personal space. It is seen as rude to get too close to someone. People stand about a foot and a half away from each other in line. But to shake hands you have to get within that space.

Just offering to shake someone’s hand is a big deal. They can refuse. They could want a hug instead. There is a bit of jostling about to figure out where the other person is coming from, and what they want out of that interaction.

What about a wave, or a smile? Have you ever noticed that if you wave “hello” to a stranger they will invariably wave back? The same is true for a smile. The saying is “laugh, and the world laughs with you, cry, and you cry alone.” Substitute “smile” for “laugh” and you are on to something.

When I was at Cursillo I cried a lot. It was overwhelming. Symbolically it was Christmas and Easter and my birthday and my wedding day all together. It was a lot to a take in. I cried out of surprise and joy and relief. Towards the end I knew that we were going to be standing in front of a huge crowd of friends and strangers and we were going to be welcomed into the Cursillo family. We were going to have to stand up in front of them and answer the line “Christ is counting on you” with “and I am counting on Christ.” I had a pretty strong feeling I was going to cry, because I’d cried the whole weekend anyway. I prayed that I wouldn’t cry, but while I prayed I heard the answer.

Sometimes it is important to cry, because it lets other people know it is ok to cry.

It is as if we need permission to have feelings. By leading the way with a difficult emotion, it frees up others to have that emotion too. There is a sense of relief. Nobody wants to be the first to cry, but they definitely need to and want to.

It is very healing to let others know they can have feelings, that it is OK for them to let them out. Our society is really heavily into the idea of keeping a stiff upper lip. “Boys don’t cry” – yes, and then they grow up to be abusive and have heart attacks. Boys should cry. Girls should get angry and yell. When girls get angry, they are told they aren’t “ladylike.” Our society tries to shape our emotions as to what is OK and what isn’t. And then we have huge rates of depression and addiction and emotional disorders.

Let them out. Let others know it is OK too. If you stuff emotions in you get out of shape. Pressure builds up. Go ahead. Cry. Yell. You’ll feel better. Then go for a walk and maybe some yoga and a nap and have some decaf tea with your teddy bear.

No.

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Think of those “no” signs. You know, the ones that have a picture of the thing that is not allowed and a big red diagonal line through it. No smoking. No guns. No food or drink. They don’t really tell you what is allowed, so much as what is not allowed.

The only problem with that is that we humans are programmed very oddly. If you tell someone to not think about something, the only thing they can think about is that thing. Remember the old chestnut about pink elephants?

The same works with children. I used to work in a craft store and parents would drag their children in while they looked at the wares. Everything was handmade and expensive. Not exactly the best place to be bringing your children, but there you go. The parents would invariably say “don’t touch” and the children would invariably touch everything there. It was comical and sad at the same time.

Then there was one day where a mom said something different. She said “put your hands in your pockets.” Instead of a negative command she gave a positive one. And it worked. She explained to me that they can only handle so much information, and they forget what they are told to not do. So telling them what to do helps them. Instead of saying “no running” in the library, it is better to say “walk, please.”

I remember a friend who was anti-Christianity. He wore an upside down cross. Something struck me about that. Even wearing a cross upside down, he was still wearing a cross. So he was still referring to Christianity. It seemed like it would make more sense to wear a yin-yang or a Buddha pendant, or nothing at all.

The best way to erase something is to not talk about it at all.

So I’m going to try from now on only to talk about what I think worshiping and serving God should be, not what it shouldn’t be. I’ll probably have to dip into the “not” world every now and then just to give an illustration, but I’m going to try to not stay there.

On Leaving Church

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I am on the threshold of leaving church. Not just my church, but church in general. I’m not finding what I need in it. I’m finding that it keeps people back. It doesn’t empower them. The entire structure of church as we know it these days does not teach people how to be ministers. It teaches them how to be sheep.

I don’t have butterflies in my stomach about this. They are larger than butterflies, and not as pretty. These are owls. They are large and mysterious, and they hit me when I’m alone. When I’m busy with other things they fly away. When I’m off the desk at work, or at night, they hit. They represent fear. Fear of not doing the right thing. Fear of not doing what is expected of me. Fear of straying from the path. Fear of getting lost, of getting hurt.

So – the best way to confront fear is to face it head on. Funny that it was part of the discernment process to be a deacon that taught me this. What I’ve learned from yoga and Buddhism has helped too. And there is a lot of nonviolent conflict resolution going on in this mix.

I’m standing on this cliff. I feel that everything in my life has led me to this place. I feel that the more I look at all I have learned, all the classes I’ve taken, all the books I’ve read in the past three years, have led me here and given me the strength.

What are my tools? The Diversity in Dialogue classes at the Scarritt-Bennett Center. Books such as “Codependent No More,” “Boundaries,” and “Difficult Conversations.” The homework from the deacon discernment process for the Episcopal Church. Journaling. Prayer. My entire life history – remembering the times I’ve walked out in faith away from something I knew to be wrong. I say I’m walking out in faith because I don’t know where I’m going, but I know it is time for a change.

I’m getting strength from a verse my spiritual director gave me. It is from Isaiah 30:21. It is “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”” I’m also getting strength from her teaching to “ask Jesus into it.” Any time I feel fear or angry or hurt or lost – ask Jesus into it. That way I’m not alone with my hard feelings. No priest has every taught me something so simple yet essential. I feel like they have consistently hidden something important from me.

It is time to look behind that curtain. I’m starting to see the entire structure of church as a magic trick. The magicians, the ministers, have all the tricks. They have all the power. They don’t want the punters to know how the trick works, so they can keep up the illusion that they are in charge. This is exactly like when Dorothy and her pals looked behind the curtain and saw the Wizard. He wasn’t big and powerful. He was tiny and weak. He used his machines to make him seem much bigger and louder.

What exactly am I afraid of? Being disconnected from God? God isn’t in a church. God isn’t in a building. God is in everything and in everyone. Time to dig deeper into this. What else is there?

I’m afraid of what happens if I’m not taking communion. But what is communion? A symbol. The wafer and the wine aren’t anything special. The priest doesn’t do anything except remind us that this is a reenactment of the Last Supper. The Catholics think that all other priests are doing it wrong anyway. They think only they have the ability to “confect” the elements. “Confect” is Catholic for “do magic” essentially. They think they are actually converting the wafer and the wine into the actual flesh and blood of Jesus. That is not only creepy, it is another sign of control. Come to us – we serve the only pure Jesus. Everybody else has the watered down Jesus. We have the full-strength version.

I think, maybe I just need to go to another church. Another Episcopal church, or try another Christian denomination. Or maybe even Unitarian or Baha’i. Or Buddhist.

I get more owls from thinking like that. Big flopping wings. But then I face them on – why does that frighten me to leave church? Do I think it means I’m leaving God? Am I afraid of going out on my own and getting lost?

It is like church has slapped training wheels on my bicycle. And they haven’t even begun to tell me how to ride without them. They are afraid of my independence. They are afraid that I’ll go rogue. Look out for all those lost sheep, Jesus says. Gotta go save every one.

But I’m tired of being a sheep. I don’t want to be a shepherd either. I don’t want anybody to follow me. I want them to be strong enough to hear God’s call on their own. I want them to be strong enough to find other lost people and empower them.

I remember a time in a club I was in where I was talking about teaching other people how to do something. I made glass beads and the other person made arrows. I was one of the few people in this part of the country who knew how to make glass beads by melting rods of glass onto a clay-coated mandrel. I was taught by a fourth-generation glassblower and lampworker. My friend was very good at making arrows, and had won awards for it. He was self taught. Our disagreement came when I said I taught my students everything I’d learned. I taught them all that my teacher had taught me, and everything I’d figured out on my own behind the torch, and everything I’d read in books. Meanwhile, he taught them the basics, but nothing extra. He admitted that he didn’t want his students excelling him. I strongly disagree with this way of thinking. I want my students to excel. I want them to surprise me. I want them to be able to teach me something.

I feel like the church is more like my friend than anybody wants to admit. Maybe I haven’t found the right church. Maybe that church doesn’t exist yet.

My Mom didn’t want to teach me to drive because she was afraid that I’d get lost. She knew that I was directionally impaired. She was afraid that I’d call her, wailing, lost, and because I didn’t know where I was, I’d not be able to tell her so she wouldn’t be able to rescue me. Perhaps there was kindness in her thoughts. Perhaps she really was concerned for me. Perhaps she wasn’t trying to control me. But she didn’t think of the solution. Teach me how to read a map. Give me a compass.

Every good teacher should teach their students how to be self sufficient. Students need to learn how to think, rather than what to think.

In church, I asked for training and oversight. I got put into positions of responsibility and when it was felt I’d overstepped, that position was taken away. This has happened multiple times. I’m starting to feel betrayed. When a person asks for training, it means they think they can’t do what they are called to do. To put them into a leadership position without training will only set them up for failure. To then take away that position when they cause concern does not teach them anything.

There are training programs that exist within the Episcopal church, but we don’t have them at my parish. They are EFM (Education for Ministry) and the Stephen Ministry. Both teach people how to be lay ministers.

I saw a picture of one of my favorite Christian authors (Sara Miles) distributing the ashes on Ash Wednesday, out on the streets in San Francisco. I was shocked. A lay person handling the ashes? And then I thought, why not? I went to a different church last Sunday and saw a deacon was distributing the wafers. I thought the same – that is never done. And then I thought, why not?

I got chastised by the priest for writing “My problem with church.” The conversation began with “So, did you mean to be the school shooter? Did you mean to plant the bomb on the racetrack?” This is not constructive criticism. This is very harsh. This does not open up a dialogue. I was told that I’d hurt a lot of people with what I’d written. I’m wondering why they didn’t contact me, as we are instructed to do by Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17. 15 “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

Go, and point it out to them alone. Don’t tattle on them to the teacher. I told her to look at that post as well, because I thought she needed to know where my thought processes were going these days. So it isn’t like I was doing anything in secret. But to complain to the priest instead of the person you have issue with is immature.

I started to think about who are my friends in church. There aren’t many, because there aren’t that many people in church who are anywhere near my age level. But then I thought further. All the people I’ve befriended have either already left already or are in the process of leaving. Several of them I’ve talked into staying. I’ve talked three different people into staying, trying to smooth over a disagreement that they had with either the priest or with church in general.

I feel like the point of that post has been proven, along with the one called “On Ministers, and Spoon-fed Faith.” Instead of learning “humility” as I was told I needed to learn by the priest, I’m gathering up steam.

Reformation

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A reason for the protestant reformation is that people wanted to have a say in the church. They wanted to participate. The priests were doing all the stuff in the church. So now we are here today. How much of what we have now is lip service? How much can the people really do? How much are we taught, and how much are we kept at arm’s length?

I feel that today’s church does not empower. It does not teach us how to hear the voice of God. It does not teach us how to be awake or how to serve. It teaches us to be good docile sheep.

I’m starting to have an empathy with Mary, with Peter, with Martin Luther, and with John Wesley. What was it like to be them? They all started something new, but they didn’t mean to. They had no template and no map. They all knew a change was needed, or was happening and were swept up in it. Some of them thought that they were part of the past, just bringing it up to fruition. They didn’t realize they were bringing change.

How come I am able to have conversations about God at the Y, but I can’t at church? These are deep conversations about how God has talked with us, right here, right now. I would mention something God had told me, and my conversation partner would then tell me something that God had told her. We would both be uplifted by sharing our experiences. We now seek each other out to have these conversations. There are three of us now who meet to exercise in the pool on Sunday afternoons and we have our own little version of church.

I told my priest from the very beginning of my re-joining church about my conversations with God, but when I started telling others at church about them I was chastised. I was told it was a conversation stopper. I was told that it made them uncomfortable. Of all the places in the world, it isn’t OK to talk in church about how God talks to you? I was told it made them uncomfortable because they weren’t having such experiences. Church would seem like the very place to find like-minded people. I would figure that would be a reason to go to church – because you want to share your experiences.

One reason to go to church is to share your faith. To share means to grow in it together. I like hearing about how other people hear from God. It strengthens my faith. It lets me know I’m not “hearing things.” All too often the stories from the Old Testament are just dry stories, dry as bones. They aren’t alive. When we awaken to God, when we listen to His call, we are connected. We become alive. Those stories serve as a template of sorts. They let us know we are on the right path. They let us know when it is God talking and when we are just stuck in our own heads.

Our God is not a God of the dead, but of the living. Our God is alive, and real, and loves us. Our God is constantly trying to reach out to us, to connect with us. All our lives is a returning to God. We are born into this world of division and noise, and all our souls seek unity and peace. We long for communion – for union with. To be one with.

If we go to electronics school, we expect to learn about electronics. We expect to learn about resistors and diodes and LEDs. If we go to craft school, we expect to learn how to make things. We expect to learn about pottery and glassblowing and embroidery. We expect in both instances to be given enough knowledge to be able to do it ourselves.

But church right now isn’t a school. It is a museum. The rituals have stayed the same for over 2000 years. We are told stories about past people who heard from God and acted upon His word, but we aren’t empowered to do this ourselves. We aren’t taught how to hear from God.

Is this because the ministers are afraid we’ll not need them anymore? Is this because the ministers themselves don’t hear from God? Or is there something else going on?

I’m just going to be brave here and say this. God talks to me. I have heard from God since I was 12. It isn’t all the time. I have wrestled with this reality for many years because I didn’t know if it was real or not, because I’m also bipolar. I don’t hide this. This isn’t a secret. I have twice checked myself into a hospital. Twice I have realized that something was wrong and I sought out help. I have had spiritual directors and counselors tell me that is very unusual. Most people who are way out there don’t know how close they are to the edge and they just fall off. I knew. I got help. But I’ve had way too many verifiable experiences to just think that this is all in my head.

But I’m terrified of misleading people. It is absolutely critical that I don’t lead people astray. There are way too many people who say they “hear from God” and it is obvious by their actions that the god they are talking to isn’t a very nice one, or isn’t a very healthy one. When I mention this to spiritual directors and counselors they say that my desire to not mislead people is a good sign. They say that it means that I’m on the right path. But it still concerns me, and I still hold back.

In church I asked my priest for training and for oversight. I want to know how to best help people, and I want to be watched. I don’t want to stray from the path and lead people astray. Instead of training and oversight, I got responsibility and micromanagement.

The church is like this. Say I want to go over there to help those people who are hurting. They are lost and broken and need help, but I don’t know what to do to help them. The church says that is great, so here’s a diagram to build a car to get to them. It took two years to get into the deacon discernment process. Meanwhile those people are still hurting and lost. Then once in the process, I’m asked about my spiritual history and my work history and my current financial status and there is a physical exam and a mental exam….and on and on and on. There is absolutely nothing about how to help people. It is all examining me and my motives.

Something feels very deeply wrong about all this.

Dependency

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I think it is important to teach people how to take care of themselves. I’m concerned with the number of agencies that just seem to rescue people. This is the “give a fish” mentality, versus “teach a person to fish.” If you give to them, but don’t teach them how to provide for themselves, then they will simply have to come back for more help from your agency. They become dependent, rather than independent.

There are two resources at my church that are great outreach services. They are Second Harvest and Room in the Inn. Second Harvest provides food boxes to needy families so that they can eat. Room in the Inn is a partnership with a homeless agency that provides a safe place to sleep and a meal to homeless people. These are both very labor-intensive services that are essential to the community. They help people in our community, giving to them what we as Christians are called to provide our neighbors.

While I support the idea of Second Harvest and Room in the Inn for alleviating the symptoms of poverty and homelessness, I wonder if there isn’t more that can be done? Why are we addressing the symptoms and not the cause? Why are we catching people when they fall off the cliff and not when they are moving near it? It also takes away a person’s dignity to make them have to beg.

They need to be trained to provide for themselves. They need access to health care. They need education. They need job counseling and training. They need to learn how to take care of their children so they won’t grow up poor.

I think this way about church too. I think that the entire structure of church these days makes people dependent. It doesn’t teach people how to connect with God directly. In a way, I’m envious of my Jewish friends who have rituals about everything, every day. They are reminded with every moment that they are part of the People of God. I feel like the current structure of church encourages people to stay sheep. They don’t ever learn to take off the training wheels to the bicycle. I find it interesting that I’ve had more how-to advice on how to connect with God through my spiritual director than through any priest I’ve ever known.

Now perhaps I’m over-reaching, and I’m not seeing things in a helpful way. Perhaps this is part of my problem. There is a Jewish concept that refers to the “evil inclination” that says if you can’t do the whole mitzvah, don’t even do a little bit of it. So instead of focusing on the thing that can be done, I want to work on the thing before the thing. I want to dig out the root. Perhaps that force is what is at work here. Perhaps there is a mix of all the other big heavy stuff I’m dealing with right now mixed into it.

Because right now I’ve got a lot of my past and my future catching up with me. Right now I’ve got issues I’m dealing with that concern my childhood – issues that I’ve not faced. Issues about neglect and abuse. I’ve got issues with my parents in law and their impending deaths and how they treated my husband when he was growing up. I’ve got issues with what I’m called to be and do in this world. I don’t want any of this, and I certainly don’t want it all to be happening together at the same time like it is, but there you go. We don’t get a lot of choice sometimes. So sometimes things don’t come out the way they should. But they do. And that is part of this messy business that is life, and living in community.

But perhaps I’m on to something, and the fact that I can see it means it is something that I have to work on. I do want to wake people up, but yelling at them isn’t always the best way.

Another take on “The Way” verse

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There is one verse that is attributed to Jesus that I just cannot stand. It is so exclusionary, and everything I know about Jesus is all about welcome and love. The words are from John 14:6 “Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

Perhaps you’ve heard them spouted at you by a person who used it as their final statement in a religious discussion that became an argument. It is the Christian version of “I told you so!” and “Because!”

Those words don’t allow any wiggle room. They don’t allow any discussion. They don’t allow any love.

You have to forgive the Christians. This is what they are taught. But it sure seems that some Christians are taught the “no one may come to the Father” verse more than “thou shalt not judge” and the “love your neighbor” ones.

They are taught these lines so that they feel a sense of “I’m right.” It makes them feel like they have made the right choice. They are in the club.

The only bad thing is then they use that line as a club.
That line becomes a weapon.
It becomes a division sign rather than a plus sign.

For me, being Christian should mean that you take that club and turn it into a hammer to build a Habitat for Humanity house. Or you turn it into a shovel to dig up land to grow vegetables for Second Harvest. It means you stop being selfish and start to become self-less.

It doesn’t mean that you should beat people over the head with your religion. If you have to attack people to prove your faith is right, you are doing it wrong.

You have to forgive these Christians. This behavior is very human. People like to feel like they are on the winning team. And they hate to think of their friends as being out in the cold. So really, they are trying to get you to join their team. They think they are being helpful.

The more I think about it, the more that line doesn’t sound right. It sounds really mean. I keep hoping it has been mistranslated. The “Lord’s Prayer” retranslated from the original Aramaic is a lot more mystical and beautiful – so I’m hoping that this is the same way.

I have wrestled with that line for years. When I read it, I come to a full stop. I hit a wall that I just don’t know how to deal with. It just goes against everything else that Jesus said. When I read it, I got stuck on the word “through.” Nobody can get to God without going through Jesus? Why is he standing in the way? Is he a bodyguard?

I think I’ve come up with a solution.

It means that people need to serve God in the same way that Jesus did. It means that they need to be submissive to God. It means that they need to put their own wishes and wants second and God’s will first. It means that they need to obey God even if it means giving up their lives. It means that they recognize that everything they have in life, even life itself, is a gift from God, so if He wants it back, they have to give it up.

In Living Buddha, Living Christ” by Thich Nhat Hanh said on page 55-56

“When Jesus said,”I am the way,” He meant that to have a true relationship with God, you must practice His way. I the Acts of the Apostles, the early Christians always spoke of their faith as “the Way.” To me, “I am the way” is a better statement than “I know the way.” The way is not an asphalt road. But we must distinguish between the “I” spoken by Jesus and the “I” that people usually think of. The “I” in His statement is life itself. His life, which is the way. If you do not really look at His life, you cannot see the way. If you only satisfy yourself with praising a name, even the name of Jesus, it is not practicing the life of Jesus. We must practice living deeply, loving, and acing with charity if we wish to truly honor Jesus. The way is Jesus Himself and not just some idea of Him. A true teaching is not static. It is not mere words but the reality of life. Many who have neither the way nor the life try to impose on others what they believe to be the way. But these are only words that have no connection with real life or a real way.”

I find it interesting that a Buddhist monk has a better grasp on Jesus than many Christians.