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Muslim headcoverings, and Christian guilt.

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I always feel self conscious around Muslim girls who wear headscarves. Am I seen as not modest to them? Am I seen as not religious enough? Or am I once again making up stories about what people think?

When I go to the pool at the Y I sometimes see Muslim moms watching their children swim. The average American swimsuit attire goes way past the Muslim idea of modesty. Everything shows, and what isn’t covered up leaves nothing to the imagination because it is skin tight. These moms sit on the sidelines while their young daughters play in the pool. At a certain age the daughters will be equally swathed in fabric, but not yet. The moms can’t get in the pool in standard swimsuits and still be observant with their faith.

I think it is unfair that these moms have to sit on the sidelines because they can’t get in the pool. I’ve found out that there are companies that sell “modest” swimsuits. They look a little like the swimsuits you would see in a photograph from the turn of the century. Everything is covered from head to toe, especially the head. The material is a little thicker and loose so it doesn’t show curves. They can be bought online, but they aren’t cheap.

I’ve told some of the moms about this. I’m a big proponent of people staying healthy through exercise. I also am a big proponent of parents modeling good behavior for their children. If the child sees mom exercising as well, she will learn that exercise is for everyone, not just kids.

But I still feel weird. I’m standing there telling this woman who has something like 12 yards of fabric on her about modest swimsuits so she can swim too, and I’m wearing almost nothing. And I have tattoos. Lots of tattoos. There is no hiding tattoos while in swimsuit.

This is when I’m the most self conscious. But I’m also self conscious at work. We have a lot of Muslim families who use our library. Many are from Somalia and the women wear amazingly beautiful coverings. The fabric is patterned and bright, and sometimes has sparkly bits sewn into it. If I had to wear a hardcover, I’d want to do it the Somali way. But I still feel under dressed and not quite acceptable.

My faith doesn’t require that I cover myself. Modesty is part of being observant as a Christian in some denominations, but the definition is rather open to debate. Sometimes it means that women can’t wear pants, or short skirts. Rarely does it mean that women cover their heads, but sometimes it does. I wonder why all these modesty rules have to do with women being modest and not men, but that is a topic for another day.

But maybe my problem is that I think I’m not being observant enough. Maybe I think that when I see these women who are wearing fabric all over, in the heat, all day long, I think that maybe I’m not doing it right. Maybe I’m not suffering enough. Maybe I’m not being a good witness for my faith.

Maybe that is just old-fashioned Christian guilt rearing its ugly head.

Who are you?

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Why do we feel a need to change ourselves into something else? White women in America go to a tanning bed to get darker. Women in Thailand and India have bleaching creams to get lighter. Brunettes bleach their hair to be blonde. People with gray hair dye it to be darker. We are forever trying to change ourselves so we look different, but the odd part is that there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground. There isn’t some “perfect” we are aiming at. It is simply that we are trying to not be ourselves.

We’ve been taught that we aren’t beautiful the way we are. This applies to men as well as women, but it seems like the pressure is harder on women. Whatever you are, it isn’t good enough. This is how the cosmetic industry stays in business.

We are taught that you can’t be happy unless you look like someone you are not. The only problem is then when you get there you still aren’t happy. It is a lie upon a lie upon a lie. It is too much to have to keep up with.

How about this? You are beautiful exactly the way you are. You deserve respect exactly the way you are.

Lopsided smile, crooked grin, one eye wobbling over out of kilter, splotchy skin, sagging boobs, frizzy hair – celebrate it all. Your differences makes you special.

If we prop ourselves up and fill in our crevices and straighten our hair and bleach our skin we are all making ourselves into Barbie dolls. We are all making ourselves into some artificial version of reality.

Do we do this to make ourselves feel better, or to make other people feel better?

I’ve long been very self conscious about my eyes. They don’t line up right. One goes one way and one goes another way. It looks really weird in pictures. Sometimes if I smile just right with my eyes, or turn sideways a bit you can’t tell. As for me, I don’t notice anything differently from my perspective. I’ve always seen the world like this, so this is my normal. But I’m very conscious about how weird this looks to other people. For years I wore my glasses all the time when I was out in public. This tends to cut down on the problem.

The deal is though that I don’t like wearing glasses, especially when I read. So when I eat lunch out at a restaurant and the waiter comes up to ask me if I need anything, before I look up from my book, I’d pop my glasses back on to reply.

I don’t do that anymore. Why am I trying to change myself to make someone else happy?

Sure, there are plenty of times where we do this and it is a good idea. Being clothed in public is a good idea. Bathing so you don’t stink. Not yelling when you talk to people (except in the event of an emergency). These are all sacrifices we need to make in order to live around other people.

But I think that certain things can go. Shaving legs and pits? I’m still working on that one. There is only so far out there I can go and feel comfortable with it.

But not wearing makeup and not dyeing my hair – easy.

I think real beauty comes from within.

It takes two to tango (sluts and studs)

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What is the deal with demonizing women over sex? It is the girl who “puts out” in high school who is slut-shamed, while the guy she had sex with is a “stud”. It is the single mother who gets attacked by society – not the guy who left her.

It takes two to tango.

It makes no sense that if it takes two to have sex, one should be praised for it and the other should be attacked for it. Guys can’t get a “good” reputation unless they have sex with girls who get a “bad” reputation because of it.

This is totally illogical.

Let’s think about what happens if she gets pregnant. You’d think that a single mother was the worst member of our society by the support she doesn’t get. She at least chose to stay. In a way, she couldn’t leave. She’s the one who is pregnant. She can’t leave the situation as easily as the guy can. She can’t pack up in the middle of the night and get out of town. But she chose to stay the course. She chose to try to handle the situation on her own.

She could have had an abortion (also demonizing her in our culture). She could have chosen to put up the child for adoption (possibly the only socially acceptable way out).

But no matter what, she is considered damaged goods from then on. Whatever choice she makes she is considered lesser.

The guy? He’s free to go. Nothing on his record. Get out of jail free, and in fact, he might even have a reputation as a “bad boy”, which conversely is a good thing. Way too many romances are written about the “bad boy” as a desirable thing. Way too many women read this perverted “script”, which is even more strangely, written by women. Women are teaching women to seek their very undoing.

So women are taught over and over to seek something that isn’t good for them. Go for the “bad boy”. Go for the one who will love you and leave you. Well, there might not be a whole lot of love there. Sometimes he isn’t Mr. Right, so much as Mr. Right Now.

This is the modern witch trial. Any woman who deviates from the norm, from what is expected, is seen as evil. She isn’t burned. But she is essentially excommunicated. She is excluded from society, is seen as lesser-than. Her value as a woman, as a person, is lessened.

And the guy’s value is increased.

Something is profoundly wrong about this.

If it takes two to do the deed, how come there are two different results? How come one is attacked for it and one is praised for it?

You run like a girl.

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What is it with society shaming women about getting fit or challenging gender roles? Why is it lesser to be female than male?

Have you ever heard the phrase “You run like a girl”. Uh, yeah, because I am a girl. You try running with boobs. It isn’t easy.

Sports bras are designed for women who don’t need them. It is very difficult to find a sports bra for the larger breasted woman. They are the ones who need them the most. Women with tiny boobs don’t have to worry about support in the same way that big-chested women do.

Exercise clothes for women are flimsy and they fall apart. They aren’t really meant to be used. Shoes are the worst. Don’t go hiking in women’s boots. They cause blisters and you’ll twist your ankle.

It seems like the clothes and the shoes are for show. They are to make it look like you exercise, but don’t actually make it possible for you to exercise.

If you do actually manage to figure out how to exercise even with the unhelpful clothes and shoes, you’ll get muscles, but a woman with muscles is seen as butch or aggressive. You can’t win.

What about teaching girls to box and teaching boys to knit? Why do we segregate activities into “feminine” and “masculine”? Why can’t we allow anybody who wants to participate in football or ballet to do so?

How come if a woman cooks, she is just a cook, but a man cooks, he is a chef? If a woman sews, she is just sewing, but if a man sews he is a fashion designer? If a man takes on a role that is normally done by a woman, he is considered better at it, a professional. If a woman takes on a role that is normally done by a man, she is not considered valid.

Women engineers? Women architects? Mathematicians, scientists? Women in these fields are actively and passively discouraged and discounted.

I call attention to these issues because they need to change. The first step is admitting there is a problem.

Dress (modesty as a safety issue)

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I dress modestly. I don’t think people need to see the shape of my body. And while doing think it is fair for people to say that “she was asking for it” when a woman gets raped and was showing a lot of skin and curves, I think a little discretion is wise.

You can’t wave raw meat in front of a dog and not expect it to react.

I have no desire to have women cover themselves up from head to toe. But I also am grateful that the fashion trend of wearing short shirts and showing off your belly button piercing is over. There has to be a middle ground.

I’ve seen girls wear shorts that barely covered their butts. I’ve seen more cleavage than I ever need to see.

Take whatever fashion it is and think – would this amount of visible skin be OK on a guy?

If we want women to not been seen as sex objects, we need to stop presenting them as sex objects.

In the summer I wear loose skirts, and if they are not floor-length, they stop at least an inch below my knee. In the winter I wear loose jeans. They aren’t really baggy, just loose. They don’t hug my curves.

I think it is about respecting myself, others around me, and my husband.

I don’t think it is kind to others to strut your stuff like you are at a strip club.

I think it is insane for a woman who dresses with revealing clothing to be surprised that she gets hit on. Guys are like that. They can’t help it. They should have better control of themselves, but they don’t. Until they collectively do act in a civil manner, it is safer to dress modestly.

I read a story about a TSA guard who commented to a 15 year old girl that she needed to cover herself up. She was travelling on a school trip without her parents. She was wearing tight jeans and a top that was low cut. She was shocked that he said this to her. Her father was livid when he found out. In my opinion, the way she was dressed would be more appropriate for a lady in her 20s. In my opinion, I’m surprised that her parents let her own such clothes.

I agree with the TSA officer’s assessment. He was trying to protect her. Yes, it wasn’t part of his job. But if we are all part of a village together, responsible for the raising of our collective children, then he was doing her a favor, indignant though she was. It is a safety issue, simply said.

There are parents who dress their little girls in dresses that are really short. Again, how would it look if a boy were to wear clothes that short? There is no reason for anybody to wear a dress that is above their knees. You can’t sit down without showing everybody your business. And if your business isn’t being a hooker, nobody needs to see it.

Until guys and men can control their animal nature, girls and women would be safer if they dressed in less revealing ways.

Teach about character, not cosmetics.

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I have so much to say on this topic that I’m not sure how to unpack it. I’m concerned I’m going to ramble on all over the place. I’ve started this a few times. I’m just going to plunge in and go where it leads.

I’m deeply concerned with what women are taught. On a bigger level I’m also concerned with what men are taught, but I’m not as immersed in it. I think it is best to speak from your own experience. As I am a woman, I will start there.

We are teaching our girls to be empty objects. The teen magazines teach girls that their image is more important than their character.

They are taught more about makeup than mercy. They are taught more about cosmetics than compassion. Plastic surgery is more important than being a good person.

Everyone needs to learn about the beauty that comes from kindness, volunteering, and service.

Girls are also taught to put themselves last. While it is important to consider others needs, but they also need to consider their own. We are taught to please and placate. We make the peace at own expense. Perhaps this is training for becoming a Mom, where you have to put the needs of your children first for their survival.

But what about afterwards, when their children are grown? What about when you aren’t with your children? This training goes deep. This training shows up at work. It shows up in friendships. A woman will spend her whole life making sure that other people are happy. Meanwhile she is quietly miserable.

This comes out in depression and anxiety. It comes out as alcoholism.

We have to change the focus from surface to substance.

We need to teach women that their value is to be found in the work they do to make the world better, not on the work they get done on their bodies. Boob jobs and facelifts don’t make you or the world happier in a true and lasting way.

Have you noticed there are no “Teen Vogue” or “Teen Cosmo” type magazines for guys? Guy’s magazines are about how to fix things and how to explore and learn. Popular women’s magazines are about how to make yourself or your house more beautiful.

How empty. How vapid. How sad.

I’m not saying women have to dress like men or act like men. You can be a feminist and be beautifully made up and wear jewelry. But it is about being conscious of it. It is about it being a choice.

If you are beautiful on the outside and empty on the inside, you aren’t really real. You are a shell. You have been sold a one-way ticket to insignificance.