Hilda in the snow.

Hilda

Hilda was shivering. Cousin Tom insisted on taking her picture.  She protested, mildly. “You can’t take my picture – it can’t even be given away.” She mentioned an old tale she’d read in one of the many folktale books she’d found to while away the time in these cold winter months. “Some cultures say that taking pictures takes the soul, others say that it is making a graven image, and that’s a sin.”  When pressed, she couldn’t remember what culture said it, or if there were more than one that had this belief.

Tom was having none of it. “The sooner you let me take this picture, the sooner you can be inside,” he retorted. That was enough for Hilda. 10 feet away, stock still, she stood. The moment she heard the metallic click of the shutter release she was free. She trudged back inside, her duty done.

He said he was going to take a picture of all his relatives, save them up in an album. He’d include labels too, with history, birthdate, the lot. Maybe even accomplishments. She thought he should include that she’d won first prize in typing at the local career college.

Typing wasn’t her thing.  It was her parent’s idea. She’d always wanted to be a cellist for some big symphony in some city – anywhere away from here. The sound of the cello reached down to her bones with its warmth, all golden-honey smooth. Her parents thought this was poppycock, wasteful, a dreamer’s fantasy, and told her often, even if she hadn’t brought the subject up that week. She was going to be a secretary and that was that. They paid good money for those typing classes and weren’t going to have her waste it with some fool idea of playing an instrument they’d never even seen in real life.

They decided they had to do something to prepare for her future. That was the reason for the classes.  They had no ambitions she’d ever get married, so she’d have to support herself after they’d passed on.

They would never say she was ugly, at least not out loud. Homely. Plain, even. “She has a great personality,” they’d chirp to new acquaintances, in the off chance they might have a son in a similar predicament. Even if a date did come of it, there never was a second one. The boys all said “You think too much,” and that was that. The guy didn’t want her, and she didn’t want him.

“Like thinking too much is a bad thing,” she’d say to herself. She wasn’t one to dumb herself down to their level. They’d either have to rise to hers or she do without a man in her life. That suited her just fine.

Meanwhile, she was cold, and her party shoes were now ruined from that snow.

 

(Photo purchased October 2015, from the three-story antique mall on West King Street in Boone, NC. It was in the “adopt a relative” box and cost $0.50)

She said no.

I just read a news story about an 11-year-old boy who killed an eight-year-old neighbor girl because she said no.

She didn’t say no about sex. It wasn’t over something so charged with emotion as sex.

It was over a puppy.

He wanted to see her new puppy and she refused. So he went inside his house and picked up a gun and shot her.

It is so easy to say that this is a matter of a parent not locking up their guns. He was easily able to open up the closet door, pull out a shotgun and shoot this girl in the chest, killing her instantly. That is certainly an issue. But more than gun-control, we need to have people control. How have we gotten to the point where young boys feel that the way to deal with rejection is to kill? How have we gotten to the point where being told “no” means someone has to die?

It is to the point where we really shouldn’t be afraid of Muslim men with guns. What we need to be afraid of are young white boys with guns. They are responsible for far more murders in America these days than anyone else.

This has nothing to do with “America being a Godless nation” as some commentators say. You don’t need religion to know you should not kill someone.

Perhaps violent videogames are to blame. Perhaps neglectful parenting is to blame. Perhaps this kid (and all the other ones, too many to name) were left alone for too long, ignored, left to fend for themselves, unguided, unwanted. Perhaps it is all of this, and more. Whatever the reason(s), we as a nation need to figure it out soon, because too many deaths have already occurred.

I feel the root of this particular murder is the word “no” – and how he handled it.

If he didn’t kill her over this, it is entirely possible that he would grow up to assault or rape a different woman who told him “no”. Is this what our society has come to, where women cannot say “no” for fear of being harmed? Is this what our society has come to, where men can’t hear the word “no” without causing harm?

There was no way to predict that this would have happened. He asked to see her puppy. She said no. So he killed her. Something doesn’t add up. This equation does not lead logically from one step to another. And that is the problem. We say we want to stop gun violence, but deep down if we are being honest we really just want to not be the victim of gun violence. It has become random, uncertain, chaotic. Anyone can be a victim.

Long gone are the days where attacks follow a logical pattern. Someone was abused for years and kills his abuser. Someone was in a “bad” part of town and got mugged. Someone got into a fight and got shot.

These days, just going to school can be dangerous. Just going to the movies can get you murdered. There is no logic to it. All the victims are innocent. Often they aren’t even known by their murderer.

Why are there too many guns and not enough parents teaching their children right from wrong? Sometimes it isn’t even as easy or simple as that. Sometimes the parents need a few lessons themselves. Often the parents are less than stable. Giving birth does not suddenly improve intelligence or aptitude. It isn’t a surprise when their kids go off the deep end.

Stronger gun laws will only result in a greater imbalance. More “bad” people will have guns. They don’t obey laws anyway, so gun laws will benefit them and harm everyone else. It is too late to regulate guns – there are too many out there. What we need is to regulate people.

We need to teach our children from an early age how to handle loss, rejection, and pain. We need to teach them how to deal with their feelings, good and bad. We need to teach them how to be with other people in healthy ways, ways that are life-affirming. We need to teach people how to have dialogue versus having debate. We need to teach people about many other cultures and ways of thinking, so they learn there are many ways of seeing and understanding.

What about the boys?

There is a lot of attention these days about empowering young girls. Girls are now encouraged to learn about anything they want to, such as science or politics or economics. Fields that were traditionally male-only are being opened up to women. Women are being encouraged to speak up for themselves and stand up for their rights.

But what about the boys? While the toy aisle has been de-gendered, with Star Wars right next to Barbie and not separated by different aisles labeled by pink and blue placards, what about the boys? If it is now socially not only accepted but encouraged for girls to play with anything they want to and to learn anything they want, then are we opening up the same opportunities for boys? Can boys do traditionally girl things without being looked down on? Can a boy read the Nancy Drew stories in the same way that a girl can read the Hardy Boys? Can a boy play with an Easy Bake Oven or have a tea party in the same way that a girl can play with trucks and erector sets?

If we’re going to go for gender equality then we have to be for equality for everyone. It has to be okay for boys to be whoever they want to be and also not be forced into a particular mold or pattern of how they are expected to be simply because they’re born male. I think the world would be better place if girls can be whatever they want and boys can be whatever they want, with no limitations placed on either because of their gender.

While we certainly can use more female doctors, lawyers, and engineers, we also need to make sure that we allow girls to be stay-at-home moms or teachers or nurses if they want. There needs to be no shame if girls want to take on traditionally female roles or jobs. They do not need to be seen as “less enlightened” if they don’t become astronauts or politicians, but cooks or housekeepers. And likewise it should be okay for boys to be teachers, nurses, artists, or stay at home dads. One’s gender should not prevent or predispose one’s occupation.

Men who control women

My grandmother wanted to continue to work as a translator and a teacher after she got married but it would shame Papa. He said “No wife of mine will ever work.” Mama’s mother wanted the same thing, and had the same problem, for the same reason.

These men were embarrassed that others would think they could not provide for their families. Perhaps they were also concerned that their wives would be independent from them and develop power, money, ideas. They wouldn’t need them. As if they stayed in the marriage because they had no other choice. Not out of love, but economic stability. Leave and be homeless, jobless, powerless.

This is economic shackling, foot binding. This is transforming a perfectly able person into a dependent cripple, having to be hand fed. Some entire cultures do this as a matter of course. This is enforced dependence. They fear their wives will leave them. They fear that their wife’s love is tied to their wallets. The women stay only because the alternative is worse. An unmarried or divorced woman is invisible and powerless in some societies.

Independent women frighten men, so they try to shame them or worse, they try to frighten them with sex. They threaten to either remove it, saying “we won’t date you” or impose it, saying “we will rape you” if you don’t get in line, which means under a man’s control and authority.

Awareness is the first key to unlocking the jailhouse door.

Stand up for yourself

In the 26th chapter of the book of Numbers, The Lord tells Moses to take a census of everyone who is at least 20 years old and able to serve in the army.

Numbers 26:1-2

After the plague, the LORD said to Moses and Eleazar son of Aaron the priest, 2 “Take a census of the entire Israelite community by their ancestral houses of those 20 years old or more who can serve in Israel’s army.”

After the census, The Lord says that the land is to be divided fairly.

Numbers 26:52-56

52 The LORD spoke to Moses, 53 “The land is to be divided among them as an inheritance based on the number of names. 54 Increase the inheritance for a large tribe and decrease it for a small one. Each is to be given its inheritance according to those who were registered in it.55 The land must be divided by lot; they will receive an inheritance according to the names of their ancestral tribes. 56 Each inheritance will be divided by lot among the larger and smaller tribes.”

Then in Numbers 27:1-4 we have this situation –

The daughters of Zelophehad approached; Zelophehad was the son of Hepher, son of Gilead, son of Machir, son of Manasseh from the clans of Manasseh, the son of Joseph. These were the names of his daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah. 2 They stood before Moses, Eleazar the priest, the leaders, and the entire community at the entrance to the tent of meeting and said, 3 “Our father died in the wilderness, but he was not among Korah’s followers, who gathered together against the LORD. Instead, he died because of his own sin, and he had no sons. 4 Why should the name of our father be taken away from his clan? Since he had no son, give us property among our father’s brothers.”

Women are standing up and asking for their inheritance. Moses doesn’t know what to do, so he wisely asks The Lord.

Numbers 27:5-7
5 Moses brought their case before the LORD, 6 and the LORD answered him, 7 “What Zelophehad’s daughters say is correct. You are to give them hereditary property among their father’s brothers and transfer their father’s inheritance to them.

I always thought that these verses were a great argument for standing up for your rights. The Lord agreed with the women and included them in the inheritance. This could be used as a justification for women having greater roles in the church – (if you ignore that Jesus said that we should all be equal and have no one above us other than God – which means that all ordained people are going against Jesus’ express commandments).

But then in reading it again, I noticed that The Lord at no point said to count only the men. That was assumed. By men.

How much else has been assumed, and how much else of women’s rights have been taken away because someone ignored what was said by God?

Just like the daughters of Zelophehad, we have to stand up for our rights both in and out of church, or we will be left out of what is rightly ours.

(All Bible translations are HCSB)

Waitress or whore?

Your server is not your servant. The person who brings your food to you shouldn’t have to grovel. I have heard of people who will put out twenty one dollar bills on the table and tell the waitress that if she performs to their happiness this will be her tip. Every time something doesn’t happen the way they think it should happen, they take a dollar away. They think they’re encouraging good service, but they are really simply promoting servitude.

When you go to a restaurant you have not hired someone to be your slave for the evening. If you want that kind of attention then you need to hire a butler or a prostitute. When you go to a restaurant, there are at least 20 other people the server has to wait on. You are not her only customer. It is not the waitress’ fault if the cooks are slow. It isn’t her fault if the food does not taste like you wanted it to. It is not her fault if the cooks mis-read the order and gave you the wrong thing. Don’t punish her for things that she has no control over.

Heck, don’t punish her at all. Remember that “treat others like you would like to be treated” thing? If you want to see how someone really is, watch how they treat the server at a restaurant. How they treat someone who can’t defend themselves says a lot about them. Don’t be that person. Treat the server as if she is your daughter. Be kind to her.

Ideally, we wouldn’t have a tip system for servers. They’d be paid a good wage to start off with. They wouldn’t have to do extra to get paid. The way the current system is set up, they are paid below minimum wage and they have to get tips to make up the difference. Tips aren’t extra. They are everything. Until that changes, you can make it easier on your server by just tipping well and not expecting her to do tricks for you.

Why do women have to cover?

Why don’t Muslims cover up men’s eyes rather than cover up women’s bodies? Why don’t they make some sort of headband/facemask combination that forces their eyes downward and makes it possible for them to only see a few feet in front of them while they walk? It would make life difficult for them but it would certainly stop them from accidentally becoming aroused by women and being unable to control themselves and feeling like they have to attack them.

They must think that women are very powerful and that men have no power at all. Merely by existing, merely by showing an elbow or a calf, a woman can cause a man to lose his self-control. If he has so little self-control then doesn’t this mean he has no self-control? Why do women have to cover themselves up for modesty when it is the fault of someone else if they cross a line?

If I am an omnivore, should I stop eating meat in front of vegetarians for fear that it will make them start eating animals? This is the same issue. It is saying that my actions control another person’s actions.

The Muslim faith is not alone in this. There are sections of the Orthodox Jewish faith that have women not only cover their heads because their hair is seen as sensuous, but the women have to shave their heads as well. The idea is that by shaving their heads (at least monthly) there is no chance that a hair will accidentally show – and thus accidentally weaken a man’s resolve.

I have a strong belief that the original intent of Islam and of Orthodoxy was not to control women, and to reduce men into knee-jerk autopilot sex machines. I believe that both faiths originally respected both genders. I have a suspicion that over the many years since the faiths’ inceptions some radical detours have been made by well-meaning, but control-happy people (namely, men).

How about we stop coddling men by making policies that say that women are responsible for men’s behaviors? How about we stop saying “boys will be boys”? How about we expect men to have self-control, and not feel the need to disturb (and I’m putting it lightly) women?

Poem – why is it that?

Why is it that

a woman who shaves her head is a feminist,
but a woman who covers her head is oppressed?

Why is it that

a woman who wears pants modern and hip
but if she wears a skirt she’s old-fashioned and uncool?

Why is it that

if she starts her own business she’s a trendsetter
but if she’s a stay-at-home Mom she’s a fuddy-duddy?

It goes on.

She’s too fat, too skinny
has too many clothes on, or not enough…

Women are seen as
things
to be looked at
to be judged, classified, compared
instead of as
people
to be allowed to live and grow and feel
as we are called.

It is done to us
and then we do it
to ourselves,
like adult children
of abusers.

It is about freedom of choice.
It isn’t a choice
if there’s only one option.

Poem “Fat”

These days,
the fastest way
to discredit
a woman
is to call her “fat”.

Years back,
it was “mentally ill”.
Years before that,
the word was
“witch”.

Remember?

You can silence people with these words.
But people
only silence
the ones
who
make noise.

Being called a name like
fat,
or mentally ill,
or witch
means you are onto something
means they are scared of you,
of what you have to say.

Don’t be silent,
and don’t be
scared,
afraid,
angry
at those words.

Those words are a sign
that you are
on the right track.

Day off?

I was listing to a Jewish podcast where the speaker referred to Shabbat as a day off. He said that God says “Hey I love you so much, why don’t you take the day off?”And then take the same day off next week off too.”

The person who was speaking was male. I’m starting to understand why in Orthodox Judaism one of the morning prayers is giving thanks to God that you were not born female.

Shabbat is not a day off if you are female.

Shabbat is making up for all the extra work you had to do the week before. On Shabbat you’re not allowed to cook. This means you have to cook twice as much the day before. You can prepare for this throughout the week but ultimately it means you have to do twice as much work in order to “take the day off”. The house has to be clean and everything prepared by sunset on Friday night. No work is allowed until sunset on Saturday night. It is like preparing for a major holiday every week.

It is similar to when the Jews were wandering in the desert. They were expected to gather twice as much manna on Friday because there would not be any provided on Saturday. Gathering twice as much or working twice as hard is the same thing. So it’s not really a “day off” so much as a day of recovery from all the extra work you had to do to prepare for your “day off”.