The new cyberbullying

Posted on November 9, 2020 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I’ve finally realized what call-out culture is.

It is Newspeak for codependency.

If you focus on what is wrong with other people you don’t have to work on what is wrong with yourself.

And deep down, further back, it is the old “speck and plank” tale all over again.

And worse – it is a new form of cyberbullying.

There are very few people who make an effort to make their social media page a safe space to discuss ideas. All too often I have been dogpiled by friends of friends to the extent that I don’t feel safe discussing anything with them. So sometimes I bring the discussion over to my own page, where I know that my friends are civil and can discuss without being ugly.

This image is a case in point –

The idea of “we can agree to disagree” is the topic – but note the derogatory term from the lady on the right. The use of the word “bitch” immediately changes the conversation into something hostile.

I had two friends who consider themselves to be activists (both white) who grew very upset about this post, saying that my focusing on the language of the lady on the right is more concerning.

I said that “Change will not happen by insulting, silencing, or cancelling people.”

The one who had originally posted the image said “I think you’re missing the woods for the tree here. And I don’t appreciated being subposted on your timeline to make a point.”

She was trying to shame me to remove it, which I did. But I also unfriended and blocked her. The post was not her creation, nor did I tag her in it. It was not connected to her. So I don’t understand how she could be upset.

However, she proved my point. It is impossible to discuss anything of meaning these days.

Another former friend finally admitted that she had no desire to educate people who had less-progressive ideas. (Translation: agree with her.) Her activism consists of quickly and vigorously telling people they are wrong. She has no desire to change people’s hearts and minds or actually break down barriers. She just wants to be angry.

I was surprised how virulent their friends were towards me when I would ask a question about something she had posted on her page. But, that is her page, so her choice. I chose not to discuss anything on her page. But then she started arguing with my friends on my page and I asked her not to. She complied and limited her arguments to just me.

After a while it became interesting to note how quickly she would argue with anything controversial that I posted. Guaranteed within 10 minutes she would protest and tell me how wrong I was. She would rarely comment on anything else.

Please understand: I am for polite disagreement. I am not for arguing and being talked down to. I finally realized she had zero desire to educate – it was simply all about arguing and calling out. I feel that kind of activism is counter-productive. It can actually cause someone who was on the fence to become radical.

I have considered myself a liberal, but these days I’m not so sure. I’ve been attacked by liberals in their effort to be “woke”. And if you don’t use whatever the current New Speak term to talk about an issue, you are demonized.

Soon we will all be in echo chambers of our own creation, where we are surrounded by people who think just like we do. There will be no growth.

Imagine, instead, remaining friends with someone who thinks differently from you but is still open to conversation. You will continue to have a chance to influence them. But if you silence them, they will most likely become more racist or homophobic, or any other “-ist” or “-ic” you can think of.

It is a mark of maturity to be able to discuss topics from different viewpoints without insulting each other. Otherwise no one will ever develop informed and mature opinions. And it is also very likely that someone who might have been an ally could become an opponent from being badly treated.

Please note: I have not named anyone or given details about them. There is nothing to indicate who I am talking about. Demanding that I remove this post (this has happened to me before, so I’m not being paranoid) is censorship.

She said no.

Posted on October 19, 2015 by betsybeadhead | 1 Comment

I just read a news story about an 11-year-old boy who killed an eight-year-old neighbor girl because she said no.

She didn’t say no about sex. It wasn’t over something so charged with emotion as sex.

It was over a puppy.

He wanted to see her new puppy and she refused. So he went inside his house and picked up a gun and shot her.

It is so easy to say that this is a matter of a parent not locking up their guns. He was easily able to open up the closet door, pull out a shotgun and shoot this girl in the chest, killing her instantly. That is certainly an issue. But more than gun-control, we need to have people control. How have we gotten to the point where young boys feel that the way to deal with rejection is to kill? How have we gotten to the point where being told “no” means someone has to die?

It is to the point where we really shouldn’t be afraid of Muslim men with guns. What we need to be afraid of are young white boys with guns. They are responsible for far more murders in America these days than anyone else.

This has nothing to do with “America being a Godless nation” as some commentators say. You don’t need religion to know you should not kill someone.

Perhaps violent videogames are to blame. Perhaps neglectful parenting is to blame. Perhaps this kid (and all the other ones, too many to name) were left alone for too long, ignored, left to fend for themselves, unguided, unwanted. Perhaps it is all of this, and more. Whatever the reason(s), we as a nation need to figure it out soon, because too many deaths have already occurred.

I feel the root of this particular murder is the word “no” – and how he handled it.

If he didn’t kill her over this, it is entirely possible that he would grow up to assault or rape a different woman who told him “no”. Is this what our society has come to, where women cannot say “no” for fear of being harmed? Is this what our society has come to, where men can’t hear the word “no” without causing harm?

There was no way to predict that this would have happened. He asked to see her puppy. She said no. So he killed her. Something doesn’t add up. This equation does not lead logically from one step to another. And that is the problem. We say we want to stop gun violence, but deep down if we are being honest we really just want to not be the victim of gun violence. It has become random, uncertain, chaotic. Anyone can be a victim.

Long gone are the days where attacks follow a logical pattern. Someone was abused for years and kills his abuser. Someone was in a “bad” part of town and got mugged. Someone got into a fight and got shot.

These days, just going to school can be dangerous. Just going to the movies can get you murdered. There is no logic to it. All the victims are innocent. Often they aren’t even known by their murderer.

Why are there too many guns and not enough parents teaching their children right from wrong? Sometimes it isn’t even as easy or simple as that. Sometimes the parents need a few lessons themselves. Often the parents are less than stable. Giving birth does not suddenly improve intelligence or aptitude. It isn’t a surprise when their kids go off the deep end.

Stronger gun laws will only result in a greater imbalance. More “bad” people will have guns. They don’t obey laws anyway, so gun laws will benefit them and harm everyone else. It is too late to regulate guns – there are too many out there. What we need is to regulate people.

We need to teach our children from an early age how to handle loss, rejection, and pain. We need to teach them how to deal with their feelings, good and bad. We need to teach them how to be with other people in healthy ways, ways that are life-affirming. We need to teach people how to have dialogue versus having debate. We need to teach people about many other cultures and ways of thinking, so they learn there are many ways of seeing and understanding.

Do you stay or do you go?

Posted on May 26, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

It is easy to stay in a job, a friendship, a marriage when things are good. But it isn’t always good. What do you do then? Do you stay or do you go?

There are different ways of going other than actually leaving. You can stop participating. You can “go along to get along”.

You can write out your rebuttal and then say at the end that no reply is expected, and even if there is a reply it won’t be read.

That too is leaving, that too is running away.

But how do you stay? Staying is hard. It is being willing to listen to the other person. It is being willing to engage in dialogue.

Nobody likes a fight. Nobody likes to disagree. I’ve heard some people say that they are “conflict adverse”. Of course they are. Normal people don’t seek out arguments.

But arguments happen all the time. We see things differently. We like to be right. When someone speaks their mind and it differs from your mind, what happens then?

That is “where the rubber meets the road”. That is where things get real.

Do you stay, or do you go?

In part, it depends on your investment in the situation. Can you afford to leave? How much time and energy have you put into this relationship?

It is ok to cut out. It is ok to leave. It isn’t ok to do that all the time. If you make a habit of leaving when things get hard, when things get real, then you’re making a habit of leaving.

A life filled with leaving isn’t really a life.

Stay. Stay with it when it gets hard. Stay with it, because staying with it is all that stands between you and anonymity. Stay with it because to always leave is to disappear, to dissolve.