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The soul and the body – the rider and the horse.

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The soul is the rider. The body is the horse.

A horse has a mind of its own, and will want to wander. It wants to veer towards the fun things, the pretty things. It gets distracted. It gets bogged down, lost. If left on its own, it will lead you astray.

The rider’s job is to learn how to get the horse to go where is best. The rider’s job is to make sure the horse has good food, enough exercise, and proper shelter.

If the rider takes good care of the horse and controls where it goes, the horse and the rider will both benefit.

If the rider lets the horse have control, lets the horse eat whatever it wants, and only takes the horse out when he wants to go somewhere, they will both suffer.

If the soul does not take care of the body, the body will be in charge. The soul will feel trapped. The soul will not be able to do what it needs to do. It will not be able to complete its mission.

Sometimes the horse is difficult. Sometimes it is headstrong and willful. Sometimes it has a genetic weakness. Sometimes it has a bad leg.

Sometimes the rider is inept. Sometimes the rider lets the horse take over, so they end up where the horse wants to go, but not where the rider wants to go. Sometimes the rider neglects to feed the horse healthy food and the horse isn’t able to go anywhere at all.

Blinders help. Training helps. Discipline helps. This requires constant, focused work. It is OK to ask for help – you don’t have to do it all on your own.

If you can’t control your cravings, then seek help in a therapist, minister, books, or friends. Find someone or something that helps you get back on track. Make sure you aren’t exchanging one crutch for another. Learn why you keep letting your body lead you astray, or what are you doing that isn’t nurturing it.

Where is your weakness? Dig down to the root. Where did you learn that flawed coping mechanism? Unlearn, to relearn. It is never too late to start over.

Asking for help is a sign of strength. It means that you want to get stronger. It is the only way out of that hole. You’ve tried to do it yourself and failed. This is part of the test. Pride will kill you.

Every lesson is repeated until learned. You will stay in this body until you can’t learn any more from it. Then you will leave it. You may come back to try again, or go further.

Death is realizing that this body can’t get you where you need to go. Sometimes you don’t have the tools. Sometimes the body isn’t strong enough, and you don’t know how to get it that way.

The connection between death and depression.

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I was just thinking recently about how the signs of death and the symptoms of depression are very similar. I think that they are related. Perhaps depression is a sign of the soul leaving the body. Perhaps the cure for depression is to find ways to get the soul to stay in the body – for the soul to find delight by being corporal.

I’ve heard that our souls choose to be here – that we want to be in a body. Souls are able to see and hear, but they cannot smell, taste, or touch. They cannot enjoy anything that comes with being in a body. They can’t enjoy the feeling from working in the garden or winning a race. They cannot enjoy the taste of home-made zucchini bread. They cannot make someone smile by bringing them a present “just because”.

Let us look at the signs of death that are also some of the symptoms of depression.

— Loss of appetite

— Excessive fatigue and sleep, and increased weakness.

— Mental confusion or disorientation

— Social withdrawal

Here is what you do with a dying person – perhaps it could also be connected to a depressed person…
– -Talk with the person gently and calmly. Assure her that she is loved, and that you will remember her. Let her know that her life mattered. She needs to know that you will be able to go on without her.

We all need to feel connected and that we matter. We need to feel like what we do has meaning. When someone is depressed, they feel alone. They feel like they are not part of the community. Even if they are in a group of people they feel separate.

Turning this around can be as simple as getting the person to get involved. Make an investment of time to call the person, take them out, help them to be part of the community. Volunteering helps. Doing art helps. Joining a club helps. People have to feel like they matter.

When you are depressed, everything seems grey. Food doesn’t taste good. Music sounds flat. Nothing goes in like it should. It is like being in a huge hole, and you don’t even have the energy to get out.

I’ve learned that when I feel depression creeping up, I realize that I’ve not been doing what I know feeds my soul. I think of the soul as being a flame, and it is important to keep it burning bright.

Getting regular exercise and eating healthy foods helps. Making time to be with friends helps. Making art helps.

Notice how these things are the opposite of the dying process.

Work on being more active – physically and socially. Work on the appetite. Eat healthy, tasty food. Be mindful of how much sleep you get. Create a schedule and stick to it. Keep your mind active – take up a hobby. Learn something new. You can combine some of these by teaching someone a skill you have.

Maybe I’ve got the cause and the effect backwards. Maybe the soul is trying to leave the body because it isn’t getting the nourishment it needs from that body. “Nourishment” means more than just vitamins and minerals. When we sit around all day and when we eat bad food, we are damaging our bodies and then by extension – our souls. When we keep to ourselves and don’t make time to connect with the community by having friends or feeling like we belong or matter, we don’t need to be in a body.

Perhaps the soul is trying to leave the body because it feels like this body isn’t serving it.

Time addiction

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Mis-using time is the same as any other addiction. It is a way to avoid something. Drinking and using drugs are the most visible ways to “not be there” – to be mindless. But watching TV all day long, reading anything that isn’t educational, sleeping a lot, surfing the Web – these too have the same effect. They are ways to not be present and avoid living life. They are ways to not deal with reality.

Drinking and doing drugs aren’t more extreme or worse, because the result is the same – a life used up and wasted.

Time is like money – how you spend it is important. Just like in the parable of the talents, there will be an accounting at the end of our lives as to how we’ve spent our days.

We may not find the cure for cancer or write “the great American novel” – but we can add to the overall knowledge of humanity. We are in a relay race. One generation’s efforts get us closer and closer to breakthroughs. Einstein could not have discovered what he did without the efforts of scientists before him like Newton and Galileo.

Time and calories and money

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I’m for an accounting of time and money the same as how some people account for calories. I think it’s important for all of us to be mindful.

I know a guy who started to write again after his wife died. He started to write very good insights about our relationship with God. But then he died seven weeks after she died. He didn’t have time to write everything that he wanted to write. But then again, why did he wait so long to get started?

We never know when we are going to die. Every single day that you have is a gift that is given to you. It is important that you use it wisely.

When people say they don’t have time to write or to exercise, that is not true. Everybody has the same amount of time – it just depends on what you do with it. Just like with calories, it is important to be mindful about what you do. Do you hit the snooze button five times in the morning? Do you go out for lunch every day? Do you sit and watch three hours of television at night? Everything adds up.

You can find ways to use your time better. You can use dictation software while you walk. To learn something, you can listen to a nonfiction audiobook or podcast on your way to work. You can take your lunch to work and go for a walk at lunch. In giving up eating out, you’ll have enough money in order to afford the gym.

The old saying is true – you’ll either find a way or find an excuse.

The only way to find spare money and spare time is to start writing down what you do. It is the same thing people do to learn how to eat better. It is the best way to become mindful and aware. No one else has to see it. It is important that you are accountable and honest to yourself.

I knew a guy who was trying to save money. The newest video game came out and he immediately bought it. And I said how are you going to pay for it? It cost $40. He said “But I wanted it.” Like that made a difference in a budget. Of course he wanted it – the problem is how are you going to afford for it?

We cannot become (or remain) animals who mindlessly take whatever we want. The definition of being human is being able to control our appetites. If we are unable to stop ourselves doing whatever we want then we are just like zombies. We are in human shape but we don’t have any self-control. We are wild ravenous beings.

When you see someone who has gotten famous or done something amazing it isn’t an accident. They worked very hard to make that happen. Just like how water wears away the stone we have to work day by day and minute by minute to achieve our goals.

There is no shortcut to being awake – but there are a bunch of little steps. You can’t take a pill to get healthy or strong or famous, but you can do a little bit every day towards your goal and you’ll get there.

Diamond in the rough

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diamond

I have a ring that has a raw diamond in it. I like the philosophy of it. I like looking at it and thinking about what it is and what it can be.

One part about a raw diamond is that it represents potential. It is about seeing the beauty in something that hasn’t happened yet. But another part about it is about seeing the beauty as it is. Instead of being cut and shaped and faceted, it is good to appreciate the beauty it has right now.

This applies to people as well. Are we enlightened because we see someone’s potential or because we see them and appreciate them for who they are right now? Do we love the mustard seed because it is going to become a big tree or do we love the mustard seed because we can grind it up and make it into a spice for a meal?

Everything and everyone is valuable at every stage of their journey. Every part of the whole is valuable. We love eating the fruit of the cherry tree but we also love the wood of the cherry tree. No one part is more valuable. No one part is better than another. Even if we don’t chop up the tree we can still appreciate its beauty and its shade.

Let us not be human centric. The tree provides food and shelter for animals as well. And the tree just on its own has value. It doesn’t have to have value in relation to other things.

We need to think this way about ourselves, our fellow humans, and all of our fellow creatures on this earth. We need to see the beauty that is, not just the beauty that will be.

Attractive and repulsive

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When we say someone or something is “attractive” or “repulsive”, it is in relation to another.

It is more than “pretty” or “ugly”. We could use those terms to explain this concept, but they aren’t as illustrative.

Think of magnets. If they are opposite polarity, they attract each other. If they are the same, they repel. But a magnet on its own is just a magnet. It isn’t attracting or repelling. So people who are “attractive” or “repulsive” are only so in relation to other people’s perspectives. On their own, they just are who they are.

It is “all in the eye of the beholder”.

Our value should not be dependent on other people giving it to us. If we are truly to be self-sufficient and have self-esteem, our value as people has to start with “self” and not “other”. We have to see ourselves as valuable.

I don’t think seeing ourselves as “beautiful” or “rich” or “smart” is helpful either. Those terms are still in relation to others. In the case of those terms, others are not defining us, but we are defining ourselves in relation to others.

Simply know that you are valuable and needed, just as you are.

A perspective on self-sufficiency

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If you feel like you need other people to praise you or encourage or thank you, then you aren’t self-sufficient. If you need people to say you are OK, then you aren’t. Likewise, if someone else tells you you’re no good and it stops you from doing what you need to do, then you aren’t self-sufficient.

Other people’s opinions don’t matter. They too are struggling with self-doubt, blame, loss, anger, and sadness. They too are just human, and fallible.

Whether they are your parents, or friends, or strangers, don’t let their opinion about how you are living your life stop you, or start you. Whether you chose them in your life or not, their opinion doesn’t matter, whether it is good or bad.

This message is for everyone, but especially for anyone who is disenfranchised such as women and minorities. You don’t need other people’s approval to live your life. Whatever they say doesn’t matter.

You are the authority on your own life.
You are the author of your own life.

Of course you are doing things differently from how they are doing it. You aren’t them.

Be wary of anyone who tries to knock you down, and also of anyone who tries to build you up. If they remove their praise, will you still follow your calling?

Advice to caregivers

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Your life is not your own when someone that you love is sick. When you are the caregiver you have to change everything you do. It is kind of like living under siege.

You have to make sure that your car never goes below at least a quarter tank of gas. In fact having half a gas or more at all times is really useful. You have to make sure that you have an overnight bag packed in your car or at least in your house at all times. You’ll need a two or three day supply of clothes. Actually, having it packed in your car is better because you might get the call from a nurse while you were at work, and you don’t have time to go home and get your supplies. You have to make sure that you have a three day supply of medicine with you at all times too.

You can’t leave any of this to chance or to the last minute. Taking care of someone who is terminally ill is a lot like living in a war zone. You have to do what you can when you can. There is no guarantee of any other chance to relax a refresh yourself. You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

You can’t do without food. Eating snacks and drinking sodas doesn’t count. Nothing from a vending machine is food. You have to make a point of eating real food, even if you don’t feel like eating. In fact, you won’t feel like it, but that doesn’t mean you can do without it. Cars have to have gasoline in them to go. Bodies need food. Skip all sugars and caffeine – they will make you crash.

You’ll need to make a point of getting as much sleep as possible. This doesn’t mean oversleeping. But take the time to sleep when you can. Sleep is restorative.

Get exercise – go walk up and down the halls. Stretch.

Take a notebook and write. Writing helps process feelings and gets them out. Writing can help you understand what you are thinking.

All of your own personal chores have to be dealt with immediately. Don’t leave the mowing for another day. Don’t leave doing laundry for another day. You don’t have another day. That day is when you get called to go have to take care of somebody else’s problem.

You have to keep your own head above water before you can rescue someone else. If you’re not very good at swimming and you try and rescue someone else you will both drown.

You have to be able to shift gears. Sometimes the problem is shifting out of this emergency mode once you return to normal. Nothing is ever the same after you’ve taken care of someone who is dying. It’s like you had to grow an extra arm. So you don’t really know what to do with it once everything is back to normal. And of course it never is normal once they die. You are without someone you cared for.

Being a caregiver to a parent when the relationship was bad is extra hard. They have not taught you how to take control. They have not taught you how to be an adult. They have taught you your whole life that your opinion doesn’t matter. They have taught you your whole life that whatever you think is not okay. So now you don’t have the legs to stand on to take care of them. You can’t ask them what to do because they have reverted into being like a child. Now you have to be the adult, and you’ve not had any practice at it.

Blessing and a curse

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Deuteronomy 11:26a
26 Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse:

Later on, we read

Deuteronomy 30:15
15 See, I have set before you this day life and good, death and evil.

Every day, every hour, every moment we have a choice to do what we know to be right. It isn’t a religious guilt-trip thing either. It is actually very freeing.

We have a choice to get up on time or sleep in. We have a choice to eat well, to exercise, to speak kindly to people.

The past doesn’t matter. Our family or personal history doesn’t matter.

Every day, hour, moment we have a choice. Just because we ate a piece of pie doesn’t mean we have to eat a second one. Just because we have never gone for a walk around the neighborhood doesn’t mean that now isn’t a great time for it. Just because we have never gotten along with this person doesn’t mean that today isn’t the day to give it a try.

Every moment is a new chance. Now is a new chance, a new choice.

And if we do make a bad choice, we aren’t stuck. We get another chance to turn it around.

God doubles our energy when we turn back to what we know to be right. Just like in the story of the prodigal son, God comes running to us to make up the distance when we return.

I leave you with the entire text of chapter 18 of the book of Ezekiel.

The word of the LORD came to me again: 2 “What do you mean by repeating this proverb concerning the land of Israel, ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge’? 3 As I live, says the Lord GOD, this proverb shall no more be used by you in Israel. 4 Behold, all souls are mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sins shall die.
5 “If a man is righteous and does what is lawful and right— 6 if he does not eat upon the mountains or lift up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, does not defile his neighbor’s wife or approach a woman in her time of impurity, 7 does not oppress any one, but restores to the debtor his pledge, commits no robbery, gives his bread to the hungry and covers the naked with a garment, 8 does not lend at interest or take any increase, withholds his hand from iniquity, executes true justice between man and man,9 walks in my statutes, and is careful to observe my ordinances—he is righteous, he shall surely live, says the Lord GOD.
10 “If he begets a son who is a robber, a shedder of blood, 11 who does none of these duties, but eats upon the mountains, defiles his neighbor’s wife, 12 oppresses the poor and needy, commits robbery, does not restore the pledge, lifts up his eyes to the idols, commits abomination, 13 lends at interest, and takes increase; shall he then live? He shall not live. He has done all these abominable things; he shall surely die; his blood shall be upon himself.
14 “But if this man begets a son who sees all the sins which his father has done, and fears, and does not do likewise, 15 who does not eat upon the mountains or lift up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, does not defile his neighbor’s wife, 16 does not wrong any one, exacts no pledge, commits no robbery, but gives his bread to the hungry and covers the naked with a garment, 17 withholds his hand from iniquity, takes no interest or increase, observes my ordinances, and walks in my statutes; he shall not die for his father’s iniquity; he shall surely live. 18 As for his father, because he practiced extortion, robbed his brother, and did what is not good among his people, behold, he shall die for his iniquity.
19 “Yet you say, ‘Why should not the son suffer for the iniquity of the father?’ When the son has done what is lawful and right, and has been careful to observe all my statutes, he shall surely live. 20 The soul that sins shall die. The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for the iniquity of the son; the righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself.
21 “But if a wicked man turns away from all his sins which he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is lawful and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die.22 None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness which he has done he shall live. 23 Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, says the Lord GOD, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live? 24 But when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness and commits iniquity and does the same abominable things that the wicked man does, shall he live? None of the righteous deeds which he has done shall be remembered; for the treachery of which he is guilty and the sin he has committed, he shall die.
25 “Yet you say, ‘The way of the Lord is not just.’ Hear now, O house of Israel: Is my way not just? Is it not your ways that are not just? 26 When a righteous man turns away from his righteousness and commits iniquity, he shall die for it; for the iniquity which he has committed he shall die. 27 Again, when a wicked man turns away from the wickedness he has committed and does what is lawful and right, he shall save his life.28 Because he considered and turned away from all the transgressions which he had committed, he shall surely live, he shall not die. 29 Yet the house of Israel says, ‘The way of the Lord is not just.’ O house of Israel, are my ways not just? Is it not your ways that are not just?
30 “Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways, says the Lord GOD. Repent and turn from all your transgressions, lest iniquity be your ruin. 31 Cast away from you all the transgressions which you have committed against me, and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! Why will you die, O house of Israel? 32 For I have no pleasure in the death of any one, says the Lord GOD; so turn, and live.” (RSV)

Stuck inside

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Sometimes it is about using whatever tools that will work. Say you have a child that is trapped inside a building in a war zone. You want to get the child out but the child is so afraid that he has locked himself inside. He has locked the doors and put barricades over the windows. You will use any tool necessary to get inside.

I think the same thing about mental-health help. I’ll use any tool to get inside. When we are suffering with grief, anxiety, and addiction we are in a war zone. We are so afraid to leave our houses, which are all of our familiar habits. We won’t leave, even if it is the familiar habits that are harming us. The devil you know is better than the one you don’t, right?

So when you are afraid you will retreat to the things you know best. Even if it is the things you know best that are causing you pain. More accurately, they are only relieving the surface of the pain, and not the source. They aren’t addressing the cause of the pain. So the problem just builds and builds.

People who are suffering from grief, anxiety, depression, or addiction all need help, but sadly we think they need to ask for it to get it. We let them struggle alone in silence. The last thing they are going to do is ask for help, because that kind of thinking is beyond them. In fact, thinking that a) there is a way out and b) they are worthy of help – would be the way out. The fact that they think their cause is hopeless is how they got stuck in that hole to start off with.

When people are having heart attacks, we don’t wait for them to ask for help before we take them to the hospital. Why do we wait for people who are having soul-attacks to ask for help?

I envision a place where people can learn how to break themselves out of their own houses. Perhaps we have to slip instructions through the windows. Perhaps we have to play music so they can hear it through the cracks in the walls. Whatever works. If it is a book on child rearing or something from Rumi or Lao Tsu or Buddha or Jesus or AA Twelve Steps, I don’t care. Whatever works to get them out of that house.

Because that house is killing them.

People trap themselves inside addiction and bad habits out of grief. They feel a sense of loss over a divorce, over moving, over a death. Grief comes in many forms. And if not dealt with, it manifests itself in as many forms. You can’t ignore grief and loss. It has to be processed.

But so many of us get stuck inside our grief and we don’t know how to get it out. In fact, we don’t know that we should get it out. We think it is normal and it keeps us safe, while meanwhile it chokes us.

I will use any lock pick, any sledgehammer.
I will cut open the roof.
I will go down the chimney.

We have to free people and teach them how to be alive.