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Category Archives: Encouragement

We are in training.

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We are in training. Everything that happens to us strengthens us. We can see it as a test and a trial, or as training. When we work out, our muscles are sore. We hurt. But then the muscles get stronger from the exercise and we get stronger. We can handle more next time.

The same is true of personal tests. When someone hurts us, we can get knocked down or we can see it as training. We can get stronger. Just like with muscles, we have to rest first. We don’t get stronger right away. And it hurts at first. But then we become able to handle more, and handle it better.

Look at gymnasts. They train all the time and they are able to do amazing feats. They perform what appear to be superhuman feats of agility. It is only from years of work that they can do this. They have amazing muscles, and amazing reflexes. They have trained hard.

Sadly, emotional training isn’t that easy. There isn’t a school for it. You have a harder time seeing when you have slipped and you did it wrong. But it is still important. Perhaps it is more important.

Who cares if you can walk the balance beam, if you can’t handle your own emotions? It matters more if your life is out of balance.

I have chosen to see every problem as something that will strengthen me, rather than destroy me. Perhaps I’m all about the lemonade rather than the lemons.

It would be easier to be angry and upset. It is simpler. But seeing it as a way to get stronger makes me feel better. Getting angry doesn’t do me any good at all. So ultimately I’m doing this for myself.

At one point I realized that I was praying a lot while things seemed to be falling apart around me. So I decided to give thanks for the things falling apart. They reminded me to connect with God. When things go well I tend to lose that connection.

Perhaps that is part of why things fall apart. I forgot to keep that connection open.

So I decided to be thankful. It was a reminder, this trial, this test, whatever it is. It told me to put my focus on God. It reminded me that I don’t have the big picture – God does. If I’m going to say with my words that God is in charge of everything, and that God wants nothing but good, then I have to let God be in charge.

I have to live like I mean those words. I have to remember that when things don’t go my way, that is good, because they are always going God’s way.

Give thanks in all things, and know that God is in charge.

Poem – Be bread.

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How is bread made?

How much are we like bread?

We have yeast in us.

We are made from elements from the earth.

All that our mothers ate,
all that we eat, makes up our bodies.

Yet there is more.

Bread has to rise. Once all the ingredients are there it has to wait.
It has to sit still and grow.

Then it gets punched down, kneaded,

And then it rests again.

And punched down, kneaded.

And then it gets baked,
put into the furnace, the cauldron,
to transform it
into its true nature, it’s purpose.

Be bread.

Bread that doesn’t sit and wait,
isn’t pushed down, isn’t challenged,

isn’t heated up in the stove of conflict

Isn’t bread,
isn’t of any use to anybody.

Especially itself.

Be bread.

Thanksgiving rose

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Here is a Thanksgiving rose for you. Why, you may say, is this a Thanksgiving rose? This picture represents so much I have to be thankful for, and I almost overlooked it.

thanksgiving rose

The rose came from a bouquet of flowers I bought half a week ago to beautify my home. Sometimes you need to buy yourself flowers. My husband understands that I like flowers; he just doesn’t understand which flowers I like. Rather than feel like he should read my mind, I buy my own bouquets. I think that is very healthy. You have to show love to yourself first. I’m thankful for self-care.

There were two roses in the bouquet. One was drooping by the second day. His neck had gotten crimped somehow and he couldn’t stand up correctly. Rather than let him droop and wither sooner than the other flowers, I decided to save him. I’m thankful for being thrifty. I’m thankful for being able to adapt to new situations.

The rose is in a glass bottle that I realized a week earlier would be good for a bud vase. Instead of putting it in the recycle bin, I decided to save it. I’m thankful for the gift of being able to see alternate purposes for things.

The rose has been on that windowsill for a few days, but I’d never seen it in that light. Today, just now, I was fortunate to notice it, with just the right shadows and color. It was pretty before, but today it is beautiful. If it had been with the other flowers in the bouquet it would not have gotten this attention. So sometimes adversity is good for us. I’m thankful for new ways of thinking. I’m thankful that I saw this beauty this day.

And then there’s all the stuff in the picture that isn’t the rose. I’m thankful for a house to live in. I’m thankful for a yard to play in that keeps me a little insulated from my neighbors. I’m thankful for a central air unit that works well on this cold day. I’m thankful for good windows. I’m thankful for the cheery sunshine. And I’m thankful for a husband to share it all with.

I had none of these things a dozen years ago. It has been so long that I’ve had these blessings that I’ve almost started to take them for granted. I’m trying to remember that every day is a blessing, and every day is a gift. When we start taking blessings for granted is when we start to forget how blessed we are.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, no matter where you are.

Edge – Moses, David, and me.

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I always feel that I’m just on the edge of knowing what I’m doing. That if I take another class or read another book I’ll know what I am doing.

I feel like life is a pop quiz. That every day, as soon as I just barely learn something, it gets tested. I don’t feel like I know it well enough to do it yet, but God apparently thinks otherwise.

Look at Moses. He wasn’t an expert. God said “Hey, I need you” and Moses said “You have got to be kidding. Me? Talk to Pharaoh? I stutter. Lead everybody out of Egypt? Me? Who would follow me?”

And yet he did. No training. No expertise.

God likes using amateurs. Look at David. He was just a boy. He was too small to wear the armor that was given to him when he went up against Goliath. The whole Israelite army hadn’t been able to get past this giant. One boy, armed with the strength of God and a rock, did the job.

Why a rock? Why not a sword’? David used a rock because that is what he knew. He wasn’t a warrior. He was a shepherd. He used a slingshot to chase off the wolves that were terrorizing his sheep. This time, Goliath was the wolf. One hit, and he was down.

God uses us like that. The small stuff becomes the important stuff. The underdog wins.

I feel like everything is my teacher. I feel like I’m being fed my lines. I feel like as soon as I learn something, it was what I need to know right then. No waiting. It is a little overwhelming. It doesn’t give me any time to polish my skills.

But maybe that is the point. David didn’t use a sword, he used a stone. He used what he knew. But notice this, he didn’t even bring the stones with him. He went to a nearby stream and found them.

God provides what we need for the task at hand at the time we need it.

It isn’t on us to do the work. It is up to us to show up and let God do the work through us.

Tree pose without doing tree pose.

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I know a lady who dislikes going to the grocery store. I understand. I feel the same way. It isn’t all the food. It is all the people and color and noise and choice. It is all too much and it is overwhelming.

She does yoga, so I suggested this – do tree pose, without doing tree pose.

There is a certain deliberate calmness you have to adopt to do tree pose. You have to pull all of your energy into yourself. When you are there, you can balance. You can breathe better. You can stand strong, even though it is only on one foot. You aren’t holding on to anything, yet you don’t need to.

You are strong. You are centered. You are whole.

Do that. But without doing tree pose. The pose is just a reminder. The point of the pose has little to do with the physical balance you gain and the strength you develop in your ankles.

That’s nice too. Not getting hurt from twisting your ankles anymore is a nice side benefit of yoga. But it is only part of it.

The real part is what happens inside. The real part is what happens deep down. The real part is the balance and the centeredness and the calm that you are able to call on when life is too much and too crazy and too full and too much.

The real part is that you don’t even need to stand on one foot to get there once you’ve done it enough.

Disagree – words and food

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I’m OK with people disagreeing with me, just not all the time. I certainly don’t want people around who only agree with me. That isn’t healthy. It is important to have friends who can help keep you from doing something stupid.

But it also isn’t healthy to have people around who constantly disagree, even if they try to soften the disagreement by saying they “respectfully” disagree. This is like saying I’m going to hit you, so brace for it. It is for your own good.

People who constantly disagree are like food that disagrees with you. If you know that eating pepperoni always gives you heartburn, you will (hopefully) stop eating pepperoni. The pain and discomfort just isn’t worth it. If you go over to your aunt’s house and she always serves you pepperoni, then do you eat it, out of respect to her? What if eating pepperoni was part of her childhood and serving it is how she shows love?

Yet eating it makes you sick. Do you tell her, and break her heart, or do you eat it, and get heartburn? Somebody is going to get hurt either way.

Does it matter who serves you? Are you more likely to take something disagreeable from a relative, or from a long-term friend?

The same is true with words. If you have someone who constantly disagrees with you, you don’t have to take it. Balance is good. If all that person does is disagree with you, you are not obliged to “eat” it, no matter who they are.

Ideally, it would be great if people were thoughtful enough and considerate enough to not “feed” you anything that makes you sick. Ideally, people would be mindful and look out for each other. Ideally, we wouldn’t have to tell people to stop hurting us.

Sometimes they don’t know they are being harmful. Then it is on us to tell them. Then it is up to them.

Sadly, there are people in this world who know what our triggers are and they ignore them. There are people who just don’t care what our needs are and they do their own thing anyway. There are people who feel that our boundaries are suggestions rather than rules. They are the same kind of people who if you tell them you are allergic to a particular food, they will serve it to you anyway.

Whether they do it intentionally or accidentally makes no difference. They are harming you. They are either being malicious or mindless. The result is the same. You are harmed.

Then it is up to you to decide – continue the relationship, or terminate it? Is it worth getting sick to be around this person? You may love them, but by their actions they are proving that they don’t love you. Is it worth that sick feeling you have in your stomach every time you are around them?

Bad habit weeds and good habit flowers.

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Weeds are bad habits. Flowers are good habits. If you want more flowers, you have to dig up the weeds, sure. But you then have an empty space where the weed was. To prevent a weed going back in, you have to plant more flowers. You also have to weed regularly to keep them from getting so big that they are hard to remove.

We have to be intentional about our time in order to not lapse into bad habits. The New Year is coming, and plenty of people have resolutions. Sadly, the resolutions last at most a month for many people. Who wants to start going to the gym when it is cold and dark outside?

But that is the very best time to do anything – when it is hard. It is easy to quit smoking when things are going well. It is when things are going poorly that the old habit will come back. You have to have a different thing to do to fill that mental space; otherwise that bad habit “weed” will take up residency again. It might even be worse than before.

I have a morning routine that helps me set my day on the right track. I try to do all of it, but some mornings I have less time before work than others. I do as much as I can and I don’t obsess about it. Obsessing about it is yet another bad habit. It doesn’t change anything.

I’ve talked about some of it before, but not in this context. I have added some things too. I offer this as a suggestion – take of it what you will, or none at all. I find it helpful, and I hope that some of it is helpful to you.

When I wake up I’ll say the Modeh Ani – the Jewish prayer of thanksgiving to God for letting me have another day of life. This is a new practice. If I don’t say the actual prayer, I’ll at least be mindful and conscious of the gift of life and health and another day. I think it is important not to take anything for granted. That keeps me in a state of thankfulness and mindfulness. With that mindset, everything is a blessing.

I’ll have breakfast (either oatmeal or yogurt) with grapes and a banana. During that time I’ll check the computer for my “news”. I don’t read regular news because it is so depressing. One day I’d like to see news that is balanced – good and bad, but until then I’ll find out what is going on in the world in different ways. I discovered that starting off the day with negative news made the day start off very badly. My goal is to have the mindset of new day, new chance.

I’ll read the Daily Office – a daily set of readings from the Bible. If left to my own devices I’ll read whatever I want, which will end up being nothing at all sometimes. Having a set structure helps me a lot.

I’ll finish up a blog post I’ve pre-written the day before. I’ll write during the day on my phone or Kindle and email it to myself. When I’m at my home computer I’ll pick one of the posts I’ve started and I’ll finish it up. Sometimes it is something I’ve started the day before, sometimes it is something from months ago that I just didn’t have the desire to work on then. Rarely do posts come fully formed from my head in one sitting. They never come in easy-to-manage chunks of time. I’ve learned I don’t have the time or focus to start and finish a post from scratch every morning. It is jarring to me to switch gears from being creative to having to get ready to go to work, so I create at other times. Waiting in doctor’s offices is ideal.

I pray while I’m in the shower. Every day during my shower I make an intention that that day will be dedicated to God. I try to treat every day as if it is like a retreat. I expect to see and hear from God every day. I know that God is in everything and every time, but this way I’m reminding myself of that. It isn’t that I’m calling God into the day – God is already there. I’m calling myself to be awake and alert and mindful to the presence of God.

After that I go do some yoga. I have a mat out in my craft room and I will practice yoga for about 10 to 15 minutes. During this I will focus more on being mindful and present.

Then I’ll read that day’s page from “Affirmations for the Inner Child” by Rokelle Lerner. These are simple one-page affirmations that are very healing and help me slowly heal myself. I’ve found it is easier to face the fact of my abusive upbringing in little chunks. In my head I want to not deal with it at all, but in my heart I know I need to face it to heal it.

Then, if I have yet more time, I’ll do a “Praying in Color” sketch/meditation. This is yet a further way to clear out my head and connect with God.

Jesus tells us about how dangerous it is to not have good practices in place, in Matthew 12:43-45

43 “When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it roams through waterless places looking for rest but doesn’t find any. 44 Then it says, ‘I’ll go back to my house that I came from.’ And returning, it finds the house vacant, swept, and put in order. 45 Then off it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and settle down there. As a result, that man’s last condition is worse than the first. That’s how it will also be with this evil generation.”

The bad habit, whatever it is, is like an unclean spirit. When you get rid of it, if you don’t have a good habit in the place, it will sneak back in and bring reinforcements.

Bucket.

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If you are in the hospital and you call for a chaplain, she heals you in a way that the doctors and nurses can’t.

They bring pills and IV medication. She brings a bucket. The bucket is herself. She empties out herself and you pour your problems in.

She listens to the deeper problems. She isn’t hearing for physical symptoms. She is listening for deeper down. What is the source of the pain? What is the root of it all? What are you afraid of?

People tend to be motivated out of fear or love. A fear-based life results in one full of pain and anxiety. Relieve the reasons for the fear and you relieve the pain and anxiety.

Sometimes you can’t take away the problem. Sometimes the situation can’t be changed. Then the only thing to do is change your opinion of it. The more you fight against it, the more pain you will feel. Stop. Relax into it. Accept it. It will hurt less.

Life is a lot like giving birth to ourselves over and over. The more we resist it, the harder it will be.

Accept. Relax. Explore it. Don’t fight it. Don’t define it. It isn’t good or bad.

It just is.

Regret

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I often feel like I should have started yoga ten years ago. I wish I started my boundary work 20 years ago. I wish I’d taken advantage (or even noticed) the walking path at my work when I started working there 13 years ago. I wish I wish I wish…

And then I decided to change it around and think about it differently. At least I started. At least I got over the entropy and malaise and started to take care of myself.

And five, ten, twenty years from now I’ll be glad I started now and got going.

Focusing on what I don’t have only makes it worse. Thinking of myself as a victim only reinforces it.

Every time I catch myself sitting with my shoulders slumped, I have the option of good or bad ways of thinking. I can choose to be grateful I caught it and can fix it. Or I can get upset that I’m slumping again.

It is all about choice.

I can choose to get upset when others complain that they can’t get healthy and they seem to come up with more excuses than answers. I can choose to get upset if they refuse to take my suggestions, hard learned that they are, on how to get better.

Or I can remember that it is their choice to be miserable.

Or maybe it just isn’t their time to start yet. Maybe their complaints are just birth pains and they just aren’t ready to be born yet.

My spiritual director says that things come to is when we are ready to deal with them. I’m trying to remember that to have more patience with myself, and with others.

How about I just try to be happy with now, and not what wasn’t, or what isn’t, or what I think it should be?

Size

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I resent that women’s clothing manufacturers have unreasonable sizing. I came to understand this when I tried on a women’s extra large shirt and it was too tight. Then, from the same manufacturer, I tried on a men’s medium and it was very roomy.

Why are women’s t-shirts different from men’s t-shirts? Women’s shirts are tight and short. Men’s are loose and roomy.

Women are taught conflicting messages. Be sexy, but don’t be slutty. Show off the curves of your body, but only if they are hourglass shaped. No pears or apples need apply.

The focus needs to be on health, not weight. Everybody needs to eat well and exercise. Everybody needs to learn healthy ways to deal with stress and difficult emotions.

Stressing about how much you weigh isn’t going to do anything about it. Wishing you were skinnier won’t make it so.

As one coworker says “the only thing for it is to do it”.

Being healthy is a lifelong thing. It isn’t something you do for a week before you get married so you can squeeze into your dress. It isn’t something you do just after New Year’s Day and then drop it in February.

Getting healthy is a gift to yourself. It is saying that you deserve better.

Perhaps that is the problem. Perhaps people don’t take care of themselves because deep down they don’t love themselves. Perhaps deep down they treat their bodies badly because they thing they deserve this.

There is no shortcut to health. It isn’t like you can just eat a grapefruit and the pounds melt off and the muscles come on.

How much of women’s self image comes from clothing designers who try to convince us that we are larger than we are?

High end clothes manufacturers market differently. Their clothes are marked at least two sizes smaller. So you think you are smaller than you are.

Perhaps the sizes need to be like men’s sizes. Just do it in inches. That isn’t an arbitrary thing.

Now sure, American health is terrible. Obese is just considered overweight. People don’t seem to know what healthy looks like. And they seem to think “exercise” is a dirty word.

We need to focus not on weight but strength and endurance. If we change the focus not on how much you weigh but are you healthy – do you eat well and do you exercise – then weight will improve naturally. But who cares what you weigh if your heart is in bad shape and your muscles are weak?