Juggling children

Posted on November 8, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I saw a lady with two young children at the library last week. It was obvious that they were in her way. This tableau happens a lot. She was in the computer area and she kept trying to tell them she was taking a test. The children were probably five and three. They kept trying to sit with her and ask her questions. She kept being very frustrated with him and telling him to stop bothering her.

I had a lot of questions and no answers. Where was the father? Or were there two fathers? Why weren’t the children in daycare, or with a relative? If this test was so important then why didn’t she make time to take it when they weren’t with her? Were they always with her? If she was taking a test to get a better job, where would she put the children while she was at work?

She had not brought anything for them to do on their own. She had not thought of what they could do to entertain themselves while she took her test. At that age, children have to have some direction. Meanwhile, the phone rings and she answers it. She has time to talk on the phone but not time to talk to her children. She finally gives the phone over to her son and tells him to talk quietly, reminding him that they are at the library. The library has a policy that you shouldn’t use the phone at all, not just quietly. Ideally, it would have been turned off.

It wasn’t the children’s fault that they were born or that they were there. That was the mother’s doing. She was treating them as if they were an interruption to her day and her life. Everything she was saying to them was in an impatient and unkind tone. The only time she talked to them was to tell them to stop bothering her and to shut up. Sadly, I see this a lot.

The mom kept getting more and more frustrated with her children and her children kept demanding more and more attention from her. Any attention is better than no attention, even if it is negative attention.

I felt that it was not my place to tell her how to parent her children. I felt that if I had done so she would have felt very embarrassed and threatened. Meanwhile she was getting further and further behind on her test and further behind on interacting with her children in a kind way.

I fear for the children of these mothers. They grow up angry and frustrated, just like their mothers. They grow up expecting to be yelled at for asking for help with their basic needs. They grow up thinking that they are worthless and meaningless. They grow up empty, having never really grown up at all. Meanwhile, they have children and they treat them the same way, and the cycle continues.

Street Walker

Posted on November 7, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

Let’s discuss something called “Street Harassment”. Perhaps you have seen the video calling attention to this. A woman walks around New York City for 10 hours, silently, wearing a crew cut t-shirt and jeans. She receives a lot of unwanted attention from men.

Consider if the roles were reversed. Men can walk anywhere they want and not be verbally harassed by women. Women do not call out to them about how attractive they are, or give them their number, or ask for dates. What we are seeking here is equality. Women want to be treated with the same respect and courtesy that men expect.

Just because a woman is walking on the street, it doesn’t mean that she is a street walker. She is a pedestrian, not a prostitute.

It doesn’t matter how attractive the woman is. She still doesn’t want to be treated like a piece of meat. A woman should be able to walk anywhere she wants without being accosted verbally. It is not okay for a man to call out to woman and say “Hey beautiful!” or “Damn, you look fine!” We don’t like it, and we don’t want it. Really.

The woman is not being rude for ignoring the man’s attentions. He’s being rude for invading her space. She is just walking to the doctor’s office or her school or work. She should not have to dress in a bulky jacket in order to avoid unwanted comments.

Women dress the way they do because that is the way they dress. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they want male attention. Just walking within male eyesight does not mean that they want them to talk to them and tell them how hot they are.

There are a lot of unwanted interactions between women and men. This is just one of them, and the least violent.

Heart Exorcise

Posted on November 6, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

While waiting for my cardiologist, I heard his comments with the patient in the room next to mine. The walls are very thin and so I was able to hear almost all of the conversation. Things weren’t going well for the patient. I could tell it was also very awkward for the doctor. He is fairly young, this doctor, in a field where he sees very sick people all day long.

I had seen the patient before in the waiting room. I suspected he had cancer by the color of his skin. It also looked like he had gone bald from chemotherapy. He was also being pushed around in a wheelchair and had oxygen. So there was far more than just heart problems going on here.

The doctor started off by saying “Sorry to hear about the diagnosis and stuff.” And then he asked the patient if he wanted to continue treatment he was on, assessing what was valuable and what wasn’t. With a stage four cancer diagnosis, you have to reassess everything. Some treatments are just more hassle than they are worth. Some are worthless. They had to make some hard decisions. Cure wasn’t an option. Just easing symptoms. Palliative care.

I thought how hard it has to be to be a doctor and go from patient to patient, from hard thing to hard thing. Of course he’s a cardiologist and people get sick and die. They’re not here because they’re well. I am one of the few patients who is well and is doing well. In part I go to a cardiologist because I want to stay well. But I am unusual. I believe in prevention, rather than cure.

The doctor came to visit me next. He was in a rush and wanted to get right into the exam. I asked the doctor when we had a pause how he goes from one patient to another when it’s a hard thing. He looked at me briefly and he said “You just get used to it.” That really wasn’t what I was expecting. I was hoping he would say something useful like “I pray” or “I do yoga”. But he just said “You get used to it.”

I could see later that he was shaking. You don’t get used to it. You don’t get used to carrying heavy burdens. And when you know that someone you know, even if it’s just a patient and not someone you love, is going to die soon and in a ugly way then it’s a heavy thing to have to carry.

The only way of getting rid of these feelings that are hard is processing them. It’s not about ignoring them or about running away from them. That it is not dealing with them.

Hard feelings are just like having to go to the bathroom. We have to know what to do when we have that feeling in our body. Stress is the accumulation of a lot of hard feelings that have not been processed. Stress is like poop. If you don’t get rid of poop it will build up and you will become very sick. If you don’t get rid of the anger and the sadness and the fear it will back up and you will also become very sick. There are ways to process it at the time, but the best thing is to learn how to not store it at all.

I do that by my practice. Part of that is exercising and by eating well daily. I get enough sleep. I make sure that I am strong enough to be able to handle these feelings when they come to me. Praying and reading the Word daily helps too. When something does surprise or overwhelm me, I remember to return to my routine and my practice. I remember to pray. I remember to do yoga. I remember to do art. I remember to write.

When something extra difficult happens, not the everyday sort of stress, I make sure to set aside a little extra time to do all of those things. I may paint a painting specifically for that purpose. I may write a poem just on that issue. I’ll write more, even though I may not publish it. I have to process it or it will process me.

Think of a food processor – something is going to get ground up into little bits. I’d rather have some say as to what gets ground up. You don’t just “get used to it”. If you don’t process something hard, it will use you up and wear you out. It will wash you away until you are nothing.

Morning yoga with devotions

Posted on November 5, 2014 by betsybeadhead | 2 Comments

I have a yoga series that I do every morning. It is fast and simple. Sometimes I add some to it, but I always include at least these poses, in this order. They flow nicely from one to another. Recently I’ve come up with devotions that go along with the poses.

Mountain (Tadasana).
I stand before God with joy and openness. I am barefoot on holy ground.

Standing forward fold (Uttanasana).
I bow before the Lord. I look at my past and present troubles.

Standing, with arms up (Urdhva hastasana)
I arise like a lotus, recognizing that the troubles I have been through give me strength. They are the fertile ground of my growth and awakening. The Lord uses them to teach me and lead me in the Lord’s way.

(step left foot back, right foot forward)

Warrior 1 (Virabhadrasana 1). I offer my troubles up to the Lord.

Warrior 2 (Virabhadrasana 2) I reach forward into my past as well as my future, gaining strength from both. I remember that now is not all there is. I remember that the Lord is always with me and guiding me.

Side angle (Parsvakonasana). I learn that there is a time to advance my cause.

(transition to Warrior 2)

Dancing (or Reverse) Warrior (Viparita Virabhadrasana).
I learn that there is wisdom in retreating.

(transition to Warrior 2, then turn slightly left, so that your body and limbs are all facing the same direction)

Five pointed Star (Trikonasana), then transition to hands in prayer position.
I join together my strengths in prayer, uniting past and future in the Now.

Wide-Legged Standing Forward Fold (Prasarita Padottanasana).
I return to the source of my pain, strengthened by the knowledge that the Lord is with me and is working through me.

Revolved wide legged standing forward fold (Parivrtta Prasarita Padottanasana)
I remember that all I have to do when I have troubles is to ask and God is there, even if I can’t see. I remember that God is always behind me.

(Turn to stretch the other side, so the left foot is forward and the right foot is back. The goal here is to balance out the movements on both sides.)

Warrior 2
Side angle
Warrior 2
Dancing warrior
Warrior 2

Warrior 1
I offer thanks for the lessons I have learned, knowing that God is always with me. I give thanks for my troubles and my triumphs.

Corpse Pose (Savasana) I rest in the arms of the Lord. I gratefully receive the lessons I have learned. I welcome the Sabbath.

Management style from Jesus

Posted on November 4, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

If you ever want to know how to deal with people at work, you can’t go wrong with seeing what Jesus has to say about it.

Matthew 18:15-17 (ASV)
15 And if thy brother sin against thee, go, show him his fault between thee and him alone: if he hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
16 But if he hear thee not, take with thee one or two more, that at the mouth of two witnesses or three every word may be established.
17 And if he refuse to hear them, tell it unto the church: and if he refuse to hear the church also, let him be unto thee as the Gentile and the publican.

Let’s translate this for the workplace. If your employee is doing something wrong, talk to him privately. Tell him in person what the issue is so that he can fix it.

Don’t send him an email. Don’t chastise him in front of coworkers or customers. Don’t start off by calling a meeting with him, you, and upper management. Do it privately.

Don’t threaten to fire him or write him up or any other form of punishment at this time. This is a time to let him know that his actions are not in line with what is expected by company policy.

Then wait. See how he responds.

If he fails to comply and put his actions in line with company policy, then it is time to call for a meeting with him, you, and upper management.

If that still doesn’t work, get your Human Resources department in, or even hire a professional non-violent conflict resolution expert.

If that still doesn’t achieve the desired result, then take appropriate disciplinary action, up to and including firing him.

The worst thing you can do is have issue with an employee’s behavior or actions and start talking to upper management first, skipping the employee in the discussion, and documenting his actions. The employee does not know that he is doing anything wrong, so he does not have any awareness that he needs to correct it. Meanwhile, he is silently being punished and tracked for his every action. This is unfair, unkind, and unwise. It is, simply, a sign of bad management, but worse, it is the sign of a bad human being on the part of management.

This also works for interoffice conflicts. If you have issue with a coworker, tell them privately. Don’t get your boss involved. Talk to your coworker privately about how their actions affect the workflow. Tell them how you feel when they shirk their responsibility. If they don’t change their ways, then talk to the boss.

Thoughts on the printing press and innovation

Posted on November 4, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

Look at how the printing press changed the world. No one had even thought about reproducing books on a mass scale before. They were written by hand and were precious. Only the very wealthy were able to read them. With the printing press it meant that everyone had access to the written word.

This of course assumes that they could read. That too had been limited to only the wealthy, who had the time and money to get an education.

We take the printing press for granted these days. It seems completely logical to not have to make books by hand one letter at a time, one person at a time. But it required the thought of one particular person and a lot of work to make it happen. Just one person had to have the idea and give it enough energy to make it real.

What new thing is about to happen that will change the way we think? What new thing is about to happen that will make us wonder will “How come we didn’t think of that?” What new thing will happen that will seem like we’ve always had it?

Before that new thing was the same old thing. We do things the same old way over and over again until either it is too difficult to do it or it breaks or somebody tries to figure out a way to make it easier to do. Necessity may be the mother of invention, but so is laziness.

Taking things for granted is death. When we take things for granted we don’t grow and we don’t change. Adversity sometimes is our greatest reward. It is our greatest spur towards growth. Sometimes the best question that can ever be asked is “Why not?” Just because we’ve always done it this way doesn’t mean we always should do it this way. Just because it works now doesn’t mean it can’t work better.

New age newspeak? Speaking up, empathy, and the new rules of communication.

Posted on November 3, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I read this recently as the caption to a picture on a friend’s post.

“My child,” The Goddess said. “When you have to sacrifice expressing your feelings for the fear of the reaction of another, this is hiding your truth and deeply damaging to your value. Your feelings are worthy. Your thoughts and expressions deserve to be brought into light. It is not our job to rule how another takes our truth, that is theirs to figure out and not for us to absorb. You need only to express yourself fully. That is what you are here to bring into being.” ~Ara

I’m really conflicted by this.

Sure, we need to stop being so sensitive. We need to express our true feelings. If we spend our lives suppressing ourselves, our very natures, then we are constantly living a lie. It is important that we be who we truly are. This way we are truly alive.

There is a way of thinking these days that goes like this – If we are honest and real, it gives everyone else around us permission to be honest and real too.

Until it doesn’t.

Being honest and real can scare people off. It can be intimidating and overwhelming. It can be too much, too soon.

Are we supposed to tell people that we are recovering addicts within the first week we work with them? Are we supposed to tell people about the abuse we received as children on our first date? Are we supposed to tell people all of our misfortunes, misgivings, and mistakes?

Is that kind? It is honest, sure. It is real, sure. But is it real good, or real kind?

How much of this new desire to “actualize the self” is being fueled by the old tendency to be selfish and self-centered? We have to consider other’s feelings when we speak. We have to be kind. We have to live and work together as a community, as a world.

If every instrument plays whatever it wants to play in the orchestra, the result will sound terrible. If every instrument plays as loud as it can, not caring about the other instruments being heard, it will be a cacophony. Only when the instruments work together will we have beauty and harmony. Each has their part and their place, and they work together to create something beautiful.

Many people have played small, for a long time. It is important that each person feel able to speak up and share from their hearts. But it cannot be at the sacrifice of other people’s hearts.

Honor the Sabbath

Posted on November 2, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I’m really trying to get into the idea of making rest of part of my day. In fact, making rest of part of my life would be a good idea. Just like with the mental health days that I schedule at work, if I schedule in time to rest then it won’t have to sneak up on me and force me to rest.

In yoga there is always at the end of a practice the corpse pose. It is 10 or 15 minutes of just laying there and receiving everything that is happened to you. Mozart says that the music is the space between the notes. Rest isn’t a new idea, space isn’t a bad thing. It is rest and space and time off that gives shape and meaning to everything else.

I have a new devotional that I’m using. It incorporates rest into it. Every seven days it has a time of reflection. On the seventh day you’re supposed to think about all the things that you’ve learned the week before from that devotional. You are supposed to reflect on all that that God has shared with you in those past six days. I feel very fortunate that I happened to start reading this devotional on a Sunday, so that means that the seventh day is Saturday. While I am not Jewish, I am trying to incorporate the Jewish idea of the Sabbath being Saturday into my religious life. By not doing some of my routine on Saturday mornings now, it means that they are a lot more peaceful and restful.

I have to be at work every other Saturday at 8:30 in the morning. This is earlier by 30 minutes than any other time I have to be at work. By taking out my devotional time and turning it into reflection time, I actually have a little more rest on Saturday morning.

I’ve also decided that I can skip putting out a blog post on the Sabbath. While I don’t want to get in the habit of skipping I also don’t want to be worn out by this. It’s important for me to remember that I am not being paid to produce this blog. And also the Sabbath ends at sundown. When I get off of work on Saturday I can write a post if I want, therefore I have still fulfilled my goal of posting one thing every day. That way I am obedient to God and to my own desire to observe the Sabbath at the same time.

There is something very freeing about seeing rest as a commandment. It means I’m not goofing off or not being a good steward of my time. If God says I have to rest, then I’m not being mindless with my life. I’m doing what is best and healthy for my body, mind, and spirit.

Out of trouble comes freedom.

Posted on November 2, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

Genesis 50:15-21 (ASV)
15 And when Joseph’s brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, It may be that Joseph will hate us, and will fully requite us all the evil which we did unto him. 16 And they sent a message unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying, 17 So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the transgression of thy brethren, and their sin, for that they did unto thee evil. And now, we pray thee, forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him. 18 And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we are thy servants. 19 And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? 20 And as for you, ye meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. 21 Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

Many years earlier, Joseph was betrayed by his brothers. He was their father’s favorite child, even though he was the youngest. He was the only son of their father’s favorite wife – the one he’d had to work seven extra years to be allowed to marry. To say the relationship was unhealthy between them is an understatement.

While he was in Egypt, having been essentially kidnapped after being left for dead, he prospered because the Lord was with him. Then, his boss’ wife wanted him, and he refused her. She set him up, and he was put in jail. He stayed there for two years.

All of this was unjust. He had done nothing to deserve any of this. Yet he didn’t complain. He kept being faithful to God.

Because of all the unfair things that had happened to him, he was in the right place to literally save all Egypt, and all of Israel. Not just his family, but all their descendants. If his family had died in that famine, Abraham’s family line would have been lost.

Everything has to happen in this order for him to be on the right place at the right time. He was there to advise the Pharoah how to save up grain so that nobody would starve. God gave him the wisdom to interpret Pharoah’s dream.

A lot of bad happened, and he doesn’t focus on it. He sees the good that came from it.

His brothers came to him, afraid that he would punish them. They made up a story that their father wanted him to forgive them, yet Joseph didn’t even need that lie. Joseph didn’t need to forgive them – he wasn’t even upset with them. He knew that what happened was meant to happen, and it was for the good.

Let’s look again at the final lines.

Genesis 50:20-21

20 And as for you, ye meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. 21 Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

He knew that they meant evil for him, yet he also knew that God meant it for good. He didn’t blame them, or get angry at God for all that he had suffered. He fed them, comforted them, and spoke kindly to them.

Are we that forgiving? Are we that patient during trials and tribulations? Are we that willing to suffer a little to gain a lot?

I have a feeling that the amount of trial you go through is proportionate to the amount of blessing you are going to receive. But the only way to get that blessing is to trust in God and give thanks constantly.

We have to trust that God is in charge and is directing our path, even if it doesn’t make sense, even if it is hard. I’ve found that the best way to stay in that state of trusting in God is to make the effort to always give thanks.

Create a gratitude list. Write down everything that are going well. Start with simple things. Running water is good. Hot water. A house. Food to eat. Your health. A job. Instead of thinking “Things could be better”, remember that “Things could be worse.” So be thankful for the little things.

Look at what Jesus says in Luke 16:10 –

“He that is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much: and he that is unrighteous in a very little is unrighteous also in much.”

Learn prayers of thanks from your own faith tradition and from others. Write your own, or create them on the spot. Constantly giving thanks frees us from feeling oppressed or harassed. We look at all our blessings rather than our shortcomings. We see all that we have, instead of all that we think we should have.

May you be blessed this coming week through your practice of thankfulness, knowing that God is working through your difficulties.

Halloween lights

Posted on October 31, 2014 by betsybeadhead | 1 Comment

I was at a Halloween party for adults last week. You know how much you enjoyed Halloween as a child? The costumes, the candy, the staying up late? All the usual rules seemed to be violated. You went up to strangers’ houses, by yourself or with friends, begging for candy. These are the same strangers you weren’t supposed to talk to during the rest of the year.

There was something magical in the air – it was crisp and clean, if a little damp in spots. The leaves were beautiful on the trees and crunched underfoot. Halloween is a treat for the senses.

That joy doesn’t leave us as adults. We aren’t allowed to participate in the same way though. So we have our own parties where we get to revisit a little of that magic.

I sat on the back porch at this party and started taking pictures of the Halloween lights that were strung up. Rotating and shaking my camera, I got these pictures. Some turned out almost as magical as Halloweens long passed.