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Yearly Archives: 2014

Poem – Drum up a shadow

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Drum up a shadow for me
Mister Bones.
Drum up a ghost
of yesterday
or maybe
tomorrow.

Clothe her
in regrets, not rags.
Wrap her
in fear, not fibers.

I need a good scare.
I need a jolt to
my system.

She’ll remind me
with her moans
of forgotten lovers
who left
without saying
goodbye.

She’ll remind me
with her bony embrace
of all the children
I never had.

She’ll remind me
of all the things
I try to forget
and shouldn’t.

Every lesson is
repeated until learned
and I’m tired of being
surprised
and
sideswiped
by
these lessons

so it is time
to make time
for them.

Drum up a shadow for me
Mister Bones
It is time.

The soul and the body – the rider and the horse.

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The soul is the rider. The body is the horse.

A horse has a mind of its own, and will want to wander. It wants to veer towards the fun things, the pretty things. It gets distracted. It gets bogged down, lost. If left on its own, it will lead you astray.

The rider’s job is to learn how to get the horse to go where is best. The rider’s job is to make sure the horse has good food, enough exercise, and proper shelter.

If the rider takes good care of the horse and controls where it goes, the horse and the rider will both benefit.

If the rider lets the horse have control, lets the horse eat whatever it wants, and only takes the horse out when he wants to go somewhere, they will both suffer.

If the soul does not take care of the body, the body will be in charge. The soul will feel trapped. The soul will not be able to do what it needs to do. It will not be able to complete its mission.

Sometimes the horse is difficult. Sometimes it is headstrong and willful. Sometimes it has a genetic weakness. Sometimes it has a bad leg.

Sometimes the rider is inept. Sometimes the rider lets the horse take over, so they end up where the horse wants to go, but not where the rider wants to go. Sometimes the rider neglects to feed the horse healthy food and the horse isn’t able to go anywhere at all.

Blinders help. Training helps. Discipline helps. This requires constant, focused work. It is OK to ask for help – you don’t have to do it all on your own.

If you can’t control your cravings, then seek help in a therapist, minister, books, or friends. Find someone or something that helps you get back on track. Make sure you aren’t exchanging one crutch for another. Learn why you keep letting your body lead you astray, or what are you doing that isn’t nurturing it.

Where is your weakness? Dig down to the root. Where did you learn that flawed coping mechanism? Unlearn, to relearn. It is never too late to start over.

Asking for help is a sign of strength. It means that you want to get stronger. It is the only way out of that hole. You’ve tried to do it yourself and failed. This is part of the test. Pride will kill you.

Every lesson is repeated until learned. You will stay in this body until you can’t learn any more from it. Then you will leave it. You may come back to try again, or go further.

Death is realizing that this body can’t get you where you need to go. Sometimes you don’t have the tools. Sometimes the body isn’t strong enough, and you don’t know how to get it that way.

Baby in reverse.

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Taking care of a dying person is like taking care of a baby, but in reverse. They become less and less able to take care of themselves. They spend more and more time asleep. They start to make less sense.

It is important not to be afraid by these differences. This formerly active and vibrant person that you knew is changing right before your eyes. She will show less signs of being interested in anything other than what is happening right in front of her.

It isn’t anything personal. It is simply a normal part of the dying process. Consider that it is like hypothermia. When the body gets very cold it will conserve all of its energy. The body will automatically start taking energy and heat away from the extremities. Death is like that, but it is social and spiritual.

It is a time where they withdraw from their external activities and all of their attention and energy is refocused and re-centered. They will begin to show less and less interest in their friends and in their family. They may have unfinished business they feel that they need to do. And they may start trying to control things more. This is a normal behavior for people who have felt very nervous throughout their lives. People tend to die the way they live.

You may see a dying person “working”. They are working in any way they can. They may pick it their bedclothes. They may move things around. As long as they are not doing anything dangerous let them continue to do it.

Dying people may see people from the other side. I do not believe that these are hallucinations. I believe that they have one foot in this world and one foot in the other. Again, as long as they are not causing any harm to themselves let them continue. If it is not making them anxious, there isn’t a problem. Do not argue with them. You do not want to agitate them. You want them to have as easy a transition as possible.

When my mom was dying I saw my helping her during this time as my gift to her. She took care of me when I was a baby and when I was sick. I figured that it was my duty to take care of her when she was dying. Fortunately we had a good relationship, so that made it easier.

The connection between death and depression.

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I was just thinking recently about how the signs of death and the symptoms of depression are very similar. I think that they are related. Perhaps depression is a sign of the soul leaving the body. Perhaps the cure for depression is to find ways to get the soul to stay in the body – for the soul to find delight by being corporal.

I’ve heard that our souls choose to be here – that we want to be in a body. Souls are able to see and hear, but they cannot smell, taste, or touch. They cannot enjoy anything that comes with being in a body. They can’t enjoy the feeling from working in the garden or winning a race. They cannot enjoy the taste of home-made zucchini bread. They cannot make someone smile by bringing them a present “just because”.

Let us look at the signs of death that are also some of the symptoms of depression.

— Loss of appetite

— Excessive fatigue and sleep, and increased weakness.

— Mental confusion or disorientation

— Social withdrawal

Here is what you do with a dying person – perhaps it could also be connected to a depressed person…
– -Talk with the person gently and calmly. Assure her that she is loved, and that you will remember her. Let her know that her life mattered. She needs to know that you will be able to go on without her.

We all need to feel connected and that we matter. We need to feel like what we do has meaning. When someone is depressed, they feel alone. They feel like they are not part of the community. Even if they are in a group of people they feel separate.

Turning this around can be as simple as getting the person to get involved. Make an investment of time to call the person, take them out, help them to be part of the community. Volunteering helps. Doing art helps. Joining a club helps. People have to feel like they matter.

When you are depressed, everything seems grey. Food doesn’t taste good. Music sounds flat. Nothing goes in like it should. It is like being in a huge hole, and you don’t even have the energy to get out.

I’ve learned that when I feel depression creeping up, I realize that I’ve not been doing what I know feeds my soul. I think of the soul as being a flame, and it is important to keep it burning bright.

Getting regular exercise and eating healthy foods helps. Making time to be with friends helps. Making art helps.

Notice how these things are the opposite of the dying process.

Work on being more active – physically and socially. Work on the appetite. Eat healthy, tasty food. Be mindful of how much sleep you get. Create a schedule and stick to it. Keep your mind active – take up a hobby. Learn something new. You can combine some of these by teaching someone a skill you have.

Maybe I’ve got the cause and the effect backwards. Maybe the soul is trying to leave the body because it isn’t getting the nourishment it needs from that body. “Nourishment” means more than just vitamins and minerals. When we sit around all day and when we eat bad food, we are damaging our bodies and then by extension – our souls. When we keep to ourselves and don’t make time to connect with the community by having friends or feeling like we belong or matter, we don’t need to be in a body.

Perhaps the soul is trying to leave the body because it feels like this body isn’t serving it.

Plus one

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You know how you’ll have a friend who you’ve known for many years and then she will get a boyfriend that you don’t like? Or worse yet, it is a spouse that you don’t like. So then you don’t want to spend any time with that friend, because she feels like she has to bring her boyfriend or spouse along to every single thing that you two normally did just together. I think the same thing about people’s children as well.

These are all their “plus one” relationships. They are invited to the party, and they bring someone extra that you don’t know. You haven’t really agreed to them being there, but you have to go on trust. Except it isn’t a party, it is a relationship between friends.

I want to have a relationship with just that person, not the significant other and not their child. To me, it shouldn’t be a package deal. Sometimes I luck out and the s/o or the child is very pleasant. But more often than not the opposite is true. The s/o is self-centered or abusive, and the child is, well, a child. Children can’t help being annoying when they are young. They can’t help being loud and interrupting all the time. That is just part of the nature of young children.

Sometimes you might try to arrange the gatherings when you know that the child is with his other parent. I know a lady who will invite her friend out for seafood – knowing that her husband is allergic to shellfish. This way just the two of them can be together.

Sometimes adding a s/o or a child to the mix signals the end of a relationship. Sometimes it is because people get too busy to spend time with friends. But sometimes it is because they don’t realize that their friends didn’t sign up for the s/o or the child. They’ll try to drag them along, and then nobody is happy.

Having a relationship with someone is like a contract. We agree on how we will be together as friends. We agree that we’ll call or write or visit a certain amount of times with each other to keep the relationship going. We agree that we’ll share each other’s good times and bad. But when you add a significant other or a child, it adds a whole other person to the contract. Everything has to get renegotiated, and rarely do people even talk about this. They seem to think of it as “Love me, love my partner or child” and it isn’t always that way. Just because I like you doesn’t mean I like who you live with.

Sometimes partners are abusive. Sometimes children are unruly. Sometimes the problem isn’t just dealing with the abusive or unruly other person that is suddenly in the mix, it is dealing with your feelings about this new and unpleasant person in your friend’s life.

You love your friend, and you don’t want to see her hurt. You can tell that this guy is bad for her. You can tell she’s totally inept at parenting. Watching her with these people hurts, because you know she is in for a lot of pain.

So some of the problem is about how you feel with this “plus one” added to the party. Some of it is about how it changes or destroys the relationship you had with your friend. Some of it is about how you feel bad for her, living with such difficult people.

Time addiction

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Mis-using time is the same as any other addiction. It is a way to avoid something. Drinking and using drugs are the most visible ways to “not be there” – to be mindless. But watching TV all day long, reading anything that isn’t educational, sleeping a lot, surfing the Web – these too have the same effect. They are ways to not be present and avoid living life. They are ways to not deal with reality.

Drinking and doing drugs aren’t more extreme or worse, because the result is the same – a life used up and wasted.

Time is like money – how you spend it is important. Just like in the parable of the talents, there will be an accounting at the end of our lives as to how we’ve spent our days.

We may not find the cure for cancer or write “the great American novel” – but we can add to the overall knowledge of humanity. We are in a relay race. One generation’s efforts get us closer and closer to breakthroughs. Einstein could not have discovered what he did without the efforts of scientists before him like Newton and Galileo.

Signs of death.

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A natural death doesn’t happen like it does in the movies. It is a slow, gradual process, and it is fairly predictable. It is all normal – but it isn’t normal to you if you haven’t seen it. Reading about it will make it easier to deal with.

The main goal is to keep the person comfortable and for you to remain calm.

These are some things that are likely to happen. Every person is different, so these may happen in a different order, or not at all. I have compiled these from various sources online and my own personal experience with dying people.

Be advised – the dying process can take around a week.

—- Loss of appetite
The person’s energy needs lessen. She may not want to eat, or want to eat only simple foods. Follow her lead, and offer liquids at least. You can use a lip balm on her lips to keep them from cracking.

—–Excessive fatigue and sleep, and increased weakness.
Because of her lessening energy needs, she will sleep more and more. Do not rouse her unnecessarily. Assume that she can hear everything that you say.

Do not talk about her in the same room.

— Mental confusion or disorientation
The person may not be aware of where she is or what is happening. Remain calm. Let her know who you are. Speak gently to her.

She may see people who aren’t there, especially people who have passed on before her. Do not argue with the person about this. This will make her agitated. She has one foot in this world and one in the other. What she is experiencing isn’t unusual – it is just something you aren’t experiencing. This doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

She may pick at her bedclothes. This “work” represents unfinished business. As long as the person is safe, let her do this.

— Breathing changes
It will get harder and harder for her to breathe. Oxygen may help with this, and sometimes a gentle fan blowing on her face will help too. The goal is to make the person more comfortable and relaxed. The person doesn’t need as much oxygen as before.

Later on, her breath may change to something known as Cheyne-Stokes. She will not breathe for a bit, and then sge will breathe in suddenly, gasping. It is distressing to hear, but not for the dying person.

Around this time the person will have difficulty swallowing, and there will be increased secretions in her throat. It will sound like gurgling or like marbles are rattling around. This is what is called the “death rattle”.

One option that I’ve seen is to use a Scopolamine patch. It will dry up the secretions, as a dry mouth is a side effect. These have to be prescribed.

It may help to have the person propped up or have her head tilted slightly to the side.

It is believed that the person is unaware and unaffected by the secretions and the different breathing.

—–Social withdrawal
The person may not be interested in doing anything with anyone. This is a very intimate and personal time and requires a lot of inward focus. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to see you. Dying is hard work. However, she might be interested in some company, but not be able to reply.

Some people may get to the point that they can only answer yes/no questions. Be mindful of this, and change your interactions accordingly.

Sometimes there might be a burst of energy a few days before the person dies. She has saved up her energy and then it will appear that she is going to get better. Cherish this experience if it happens – it is fleeting.

—-Changes in urination
There will be less and less urine, and it will be more concentrated. Hospice may choose to use a catheter to keep the bed unsoiled. Loss of bladder and bowel control is normal.

—-Swelling in the feet and ankles
This is a natural result of the kidneys slowing down. This is normal.

—-Changes in the extremities.
Just like when the body gets colder, the extremities start to lose circulation minutes or hours before death. Hands and feet will become cooler and paler (or bluish) The veins may become mottled.

Talk with the person gently and calmly. Assure her that she is loved, and that you will remember her. Let her know that her life mattered. She needs to know that you will be able to go on without her.

Why he hits. Why she stays.

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If you wonder “why she stays” or “why he hits” it is all the same. It is all about power. They both feel powerless.

She doesn’t leave because she thinks she can’t support herself without him. He makes all the money. He knows how to repair the cars and the house. But also he feels powerless. If he doesn’t have her then how is he going to get fed? How is his laundry going to get done? They stay together out of a sense of desperation and powerlessness.

If you want to address the cause of men hitting women and women taking the abuse, you have to address the root of power. You have to teach boys how to cook and clean and take care of the household in addition to teaching him how to use tools and repair cars. If you want to teach women to be strong you have to teach them how to use tools and how to repair cars in addition to teaching them how to cook and clean and take care of the household. Only when there’s a sense of equality will there not be a sense of powerlessness.

Men also abuse others because they have not been taught any other way to deal with their emotions. “Boys don’t cry”, remember? Boys are taught to roughhouse and to fight. They are taught to be aggressive. Anything less than this is seen as weak. If a guy shows any gentle tendencies he is seen as gay. He is excluded from the pack. Thus when guys feel powerless, they will lash out with the only tool they are allowed to use and that is violence.

Part of power is also about giving people a sense of worth and value. They have to feel like they can take care of themselves. This includes being able to get and keep a job. People need to feel like they are needed.

Address these issues and you have solved the reasons why he hits, and why she stays. Teach people how to be independent.

Time and calories and money

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I’m for an accounting of time and money the same as how some people account for calories. I think it’s important for all of us to be mindful.

I know a guy who started to write again after his wife died. He started to write very good insights about our relationship with God. But then he died seven weeks after she died. He didn’t have time to write everything that he wanted to write. But then again, why did he wait so long to get started?

We never know when we are going to die. Every single day that you have is a gift that is given to you. It is important that you use it wisely.

When people say they don’t have time to write or to exercise, that is not true. Everybody has the same amount of time – it just depends on what you do with it. Just like with calories, it is important to be mindful about what you do. Do you hit the snooze button five times in the morning? Do you go out for lunch every day? Do you sit and watch three hours of television at night? Everything adds up.

You can find ways to use your time better. You can use dictation software while you walk. To learn something, you can listen to a nonfiction audiobook or podcast on your way to work. You can take your lunch to work and go for a walk at lunch. In giving up eating out, you’ll have enough money in order to afford the gym.

The old saying is true – you’ll either find a way or find an excuse.

The only way to find spare money and spare time is to start writing down what you do. It is the same thing people do to learn how to eat better. It is the best way to become mindful and aware. No one else has to see it. It is important that you are accountable and honest to yourself.

I knew a guy who was trying to save money. The newest video game came out and he immediately bought it. And I said how are you going to pay for it? It cost $40. He said “But I wanted it.” Like that made a difference in a budget. Of course he wanted it – the problem is how are you going to afford for it?

We cannot become (or remain) animals who mindlessly take whatever we want. The definition of being human is being able to control our appetites. If we are unable to stop ourselves doing whatever we want then we are just like zombies. We are in human shape but we don’t have any self-control. We are wild ravenous beings.

When you see someone who has gotten famous or done something amazing it isn’t an accident. They worked very hard to make that happen. Just like how water wears away the stone we have to work day by day and minute by minute to achieve our goals.

There is no shortcut to being awake – but there are a bunch of little steps. You can’t take a pill to get healthy or strong or famous, but you can do a little bit every day towards your goal and you’ll get there.

Diamond in the rough

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diamond

I have a ring that has a raw diamond in it. I like the philosophy of it. I like looking at it and thinking about what it is and what it can be.

One part about a raw diamond is that it represents potential. It is about seeing the beauty in something that hasn’t happened yet. But another part about it is about seeing the beauty as it is. Instead of being cut and shaped and faceted, it is good to appreciate the beauty it has right now.

This applies to people as well. Are we enlightened because we see someone’s potential or because we see them and appreciate them for who they are right now? Do we love the mustard seed because it is going to become a big tree or do we love the mustard seed because we can grind it up and make it into a spice for a meal?

Everything and everyone is valuable at every stage of their journey. Every part of the whole is valuable. We love eating the fruit of the cherry tree but we also love the wood of the cherry tree. No one part is more valuable. No one part is better than another. Even if we don’t chop up the tree we can still appreciate its beauty and its shade.

Let us not be human centric. The tree provides food and shelter for animals as well. And the tree just on its own has value. It doesn’t have to have value in relation to other things.

We need to think this way about ourselves, our fellow humans, and all of our fellow creatures on this earth. We need to see the beauty that is, not just the beauty that will be.