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Monthly Archives: May 2013

The running club.

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What if there was a running club that no longer ran? They sit around talking, wearing their running clothes. They really are proud of being runners.

But they no longer even plan runs. They no longer even look at maps of places to run.

They have scrapbooks filled with pictures of when they used to run. The pictures are faded and fraying.

Sure, some members go out for a jog every now and then. A noble few even do marathons. But most sit around in their polyester track suits and eat cupcakes and drink lemonade.

“We are runners! Running is the best way of life!” They happily exclaim to anyone in earshot.

New people join the club. They’ve heard about this running club. They’ve met all the champion runners in the place. Maybe they will learn some great tips. They are eager to begin running.

Years go by. Nothing happens. Their butts get wider. They start to get really inflexible. But they are in a running club. So they know they will start running. They are waiting for the right time to get started. There are committees about running. There are task forces to plan running.

Others, not in the club, start to notice that they aren’t running. They mention it, quietly at first. Then they get a little bolder. “How come you are a club for runners, and you don’t run?” they say. The runners are shocked. “Heretic! How dare you! We are runners! You can’t talk badly about us! We have rights!”

“Yes, of course you do, but I was just wondering if you were going to go running sometime?”

“We are runners, can’t you see that? We are in a running club. You are persecuting us.”

The Test is Rigged.

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The test is rigged.

There is no way you can win with the idea of original sin. If you say that humans are faulty from the very beginning, broken and sinful down to our very core, then there is a problem.

This mindset causes dependency. It creates in people a feeling of never being good enough. That they never will measure up.

Let’s go with the Adam and Eve story. They ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil before they even had the knowledge of good and evil. Thus they had no way of knowing that what they were doing was wrong. So it wasn’t fair to punish them.

Nothing that is from God is bad. So we were made with free will and curiosity. We are finite where God is infinite. We are mortal. We break. Things aren’t effortless for us. We need a little help. We can’t understand and follow all the rules.

So then Jesus comes along and tells us to love. He breaks down all the rules into two – love God, and love your neighbor. Seems simple enough. Then he pays our tab for us – our debt of sin is paid. Some people need to hear that. But perhaps what he really was doing was just saying that we are fine the way we are. We aren’t perfect and we never will be. We can’t ever win, because the game is fixed. He’s letting us know that we are ok. We aren’t to blame for our nature, because it is just the way we are.

Now would be the time that somebody will quote from Paul or point out that “whoever is without sin” gets to cast the first stone. Nobody gets to throw stones. Because throwing stones isn’t showing love. Thinking you are better than somebody else isn’t being loving.

Rather than load people up with guilt about their sin by making them say the confession every week, why not turn it around and teach people different ways they can be more loving and compassionate?

Every week, every day, every minute, we aren’t going to measure up to the idea of being perfect. We never will be perfect. We can’t be. That isn’t human nature. Focusing on our sin keeps us pointed in the wrong direction. We need to learn how to be better at what we can do, rather than on what we can’t do.

We say that Jesus paid for all our sins. So why do we keep pulling them out and focusing on them? This seems pathological.

The broken down car.

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We have gotten to a point with Christianity that we are sitting in a broken down car.

The car used to go. It used to get us where we needed to go. It used to work really well. But that was many years ago. Sometimes it works really well, but more often than not, it fails and sputters.

Something has happened to this car, and it wasn’t done to us. We haven’t maintained it. Nobody is to blame but us. Nobody stole the tires. We let them rot.

The steering wheel doesn’t work anymore. The car no longer goes where we intend for it to go. Instead of driving us to the people that need help, we take care of our own people in church. Instead of showing compassion to everyone, we are taught to feel sorry for people who aren’t Christian. We are taught to “love the sinner but hate the sin” – while forgetting that Jesus never said anything like that. We are taught that homosexuality is a sin, while forgetting that Jesus taught us to love everybody, and that judging others is a sin.

We were never taught how to get the oil changed, so the vitality of the car isn’t there anymore. We no longer are taught how to heal in the name of Jesus. We are no longer taught how to welcome the Holy Spirit. All the gifts that were given to the Disciples on Pentecost are lost to the majority of us.

We have the owner’s manual, but we don’t take it seriously. We have the Bible, but we don’t actually make them applicable to our life today. We pick and choose the parts of the Bible we want to follow, rather than paying attention to Gospel, which for Christians is the new, updated portion of the manual, to make it supercharged. Or we let someone else do the interpreting for us, and we don’t study the Word for ourselves.

When our mechanic tells us to fix the car, we don’t listen. We aren’t taught how to hear from God. And in some churches, the minister will discourage this behavior.

We’ve decorated the car up with all the geegaws we can, rather than on what is important. We’ve spent money on the windows and the seats and the paint job – but still we aren’t getting to where we need to go. Why are we spending money on the car, rather than on the poor and the homeless and the hungry and people in prison, you know, like Jesus told us to do?

So now we sit in this car. We sit in it every Sunday. It sure is pretty. But it doesn’t go anywhere. We content ourselves that sitting in it is what it is all about. At least we are there, rather than sleeping in. We feel so good about ourselves for going.

Every now and then the car goes. Sometimes we are able to fire it up and make it do what it is supposed to do. But it isn’t for very long. Then soon enough we are back to having book club meetings that cover books that aren’t about our faith, or having covered dish suppers where we feed ourselves rather than the hungry people in our neighborhood.

And be sure not to tell those people who have sat in the car the longest that the car doesn’t go. People don’t like having their possessions taken away from them. They don’t like being told that it is broken. They will hold on to it for their very lives. I think this is normal human behavior, but it is not what our goal is.

We’d be better off selling the car for scrap metal and giving away the money to help people in need than what we are doing now.

I was like those people who sat in the car. I looked at my friends who had left church with some small version of compassion. I thought that they just didn’t get it. Perhaps they were in the wrong denomination, or in the wrong parish. Perhaps they could see how things weren’t as they thought they were if I just kept on trying. So I did. And then I started to see the cracks too. And I couldn’t look away any more.

I wanted to help people. I asked three years ago, how do I learn how best to help? My motives were questioned. I had to submit a spiritual history on myself. I had to submit a photo, and a financial disclosure. I had to prove when and where and by whom I was baptized and confirmed in the Episcopal Church. I had to wait two years before all that began – and it still didn’t get me any closer to being able to help people. This is like the church telling me that I needed to build a car first.

I’ve walked away. I’ve not walked away from God or Jesus, just the church as it is. There is some thought that I should stay, to help repair the car. But I’ve been told not to talk about how broken the car is, because it hurts people’s feelings. How can I wake people up when I’ve been told to be quiet? Perhaps there is some concern that I won’t do it in the right way. Perhaps I don’t take everybody’s feelings into consideration. But there is a lot to be said against being too cautious and too careful. If you wait to make everybody happy, nothing is going to happen.

This is not a social club, and it isn’t a personality contest. It is hard work. This isn’t about feelings. This isn’t about egos.

I’m sorry that people’s feelings were hurt, but not for the reason they think. I’m sorry that they have invested so much of themselves into something that no longer works.

How to pray – it isn’t the words or the ritual. It is a feeling.

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Prayer is communicating with God. God wants to hear from us, and for us to hear from him. But how do we do this?

Communicating with God is real. Everyone can do it. It isn’t for the chosen few. Not everybody can do it easily, but everybody can learn how. Hearing from God isn’t as easy as picking up the phone. It isn’t the same as turning on the television. But it is a skill that you can learn.

Consider a marathon runner. She doesn’t wake up one day and start running 26 miles. She may not even like to run to start off with. But she hears about a marathon and she thinks about it. She finally decides to start. She trains. She gets better. She may walk more than run at first. First it is a mile run around the block. Then two. Then five. It can take a long time and many setbacks and blisters to get up to 26 miles, but then one day she is there.

This is also true of hearing from God. It requires practice and effort and persistence.

First, it is important for you to know that God loves you. God made you. You are needed and part of God’s plan. This is why you were made. The fact that you are alive is proof that God needs and loves you. Right now. As you are. Warts and all. You may not feel worthy of God, but God thinks otherwise. So God wants to hear from you. God wants to connect with you. This is true communion, or union-with.

The book “The Isaiah Effect” by Gregg Braden says something very interesting about prayer. It says that prayer isn’t something you do, it is something you feel inside your body. This is very important. This totally turns our Western idea of prayer upside down.

It isn’t the vehicle that is the focus. It isn’t the how-to. It is the destination that is important. You have to get to that feeling in your body that indicates you are in the right spot. Prayer is a feeling, not a ritual.

Prayer isn’t the candle or the words or the gestures. It is the connection with God that is produced when you use those things, or anything else that helps you get there. The candle or the words or the gestures are like a car that you get in to go visit a friend. Getting to your friend is the most important part, not how you get there. Perhaps the car breaks down and you have to walk. That is fine. You got there. Don’t focus on the car.

But because we are physical beings, we often need props to help us. Just remember that the prayer isn’t the props.

C.S. Lewis says “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” Our bodies need reminders of our souls. I’ve written before about how I use prayer bracelets, tattoos, painted toenails, and going barefoot as reminders. There are many different ways to remind you to pray and nourish your soul with a connection with God.

Prayer does not have to be passive. It doesn’t have to be sitting in a chair with your hands in front of you saying a prayer that somebody else wrote. It can be active. There are probably as many different ways of praying as there are people. Painting, walking, singing, doodling, meditation, yoga practice can all be used as forms of prayer, for instance. Compassion in action is also good. Volunteering is a form of prayer.

How often should you pray? If you are Muslim, you are to pray five times a day. Some people pray before every meal. If you are Jewish, you are to give thanks to God at least 100 times a day. All of these practices are ways to remind you to pray. Constantly praying is constantly being in communion with God. The more you pray, the better the connection gets between you and God.

In order to hear from God, you have to put yourself in a place where you can hear from God. It is kind of like you want to get a phone call from a friend, but you don’t realize that your phone is turned off because you didn’t pay the bill. You’ll never hear from your friend with that kind of connection.

This is attributed to Saint Francis – “Pray constantly, and if you must, use words.” Prayer doesn’t have to be words, but it can. Part of my goal here is to open your mind up about what prayer is. It doesn’t have to be what you think it is. Trying other ways can be helpful.

Do you use a prayer book, or not? Do you find it helpful or stiff and canned? Jesus tells us that we are not to mutter the same words over and over again, but to pray from our hearts. We learn this in Matthew 6:7 “And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words.” (New American Standard Bible) But sometimes that is hard because we don’t know what to say. Then there is this helpful verse from Romans 8:26 “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” (New Living Translation)

So you don’t have to use a prayer book. God knows what you want to say. But if you feel you need a prayer book, be sure to read every word carefully and feel them, so that the prayer becomes your own. It isn’t the words that get you there, but the feeling that happens when you read the words. A friend told me a Jewish story about a little boy who didn’t know what how to pray so he just recited the alphabet and let God pick out all the right letters. That works too – but again, it isn’t the letters. It is the feeling you get when you are there, talking to God.

Many different faiths use prayer beads. You can study how they use them, or you can make up your own ritual. They can be used to center you and focus you. Just handling beads can be very calming and centering.

When you pray, remember the feeling you get if you ask for something. Then see if your prayer is answered. Compare the feeling with the result. Journaling can help you keep track of the results. This is a way to learn how God is talking to you. God always answers prayers, but they aren’t always “yes”. With practice, you can learn to “hear” the “yes” from the “no” from the “not right now”. I often “hear” the reply as a feeling, rather than a word. This is often the first way that we hear from God, as feeling.

When I pray for a specific intention, I get a feeling of ease when the prayer is going to be answered as a “yes”. I get a feeling of resistance when it is a “no”. It took a while to learn the subtle difference of feeling between the two. It isn’t as easy as “this is hot” and “this is cold” – it was far more subtle. But it is there. It just takes practice to sort out where and how the feeling feels to you.

I think it is essential to always be ok with the idea that you aren’t in charge. Sometimes it is best you don’t get what you prayed for. God is not your waiter. You don’t always get to have it your way.

God can use anything as a way to answer. You can “hear” God all around you. Nothing is a coincidence. We are like fish who are unaware of water. We are surrounded by God, as everything is from God.

It is perfectly ok to pray for the ability to pray. It is OK to ask God for help in how to pray. Just like in the story of the prodigal son, when the son started back towards his Dad, his Dad saw him and went running to meet him. God wants us to pray, to connect with him. He’ll make up the difference in distance between us.

You’ll get stronger the more you do it. So pray constantly. Be patient with yourself if you slack off and get out of your routine. That is normal. Just start doing it again. Nobody is consistent at their prayers. But the more you pray, the better you’ll get at it, and the more you will connect with God.

Read the Bible, and pray beforehand for the Holy Spirit to help you understand. The Bible is the Word of God. If you want to hear from God, it is a good idea to start off with a known good. This way when you get to the point that God is talking to you in words, you’ll be able to measure up and know if it is God talking and not just your imagination.

Read the prayers of other faiths. There might be something that helps. Like buying a one-size fits all suit, sometimes prayer life needs to be altered and adjusted. I’ve found a lot of comfort in reading about other faith systems. There is a lot in Buddhism for instance that helps to inform my Christianity. I’m enjoying a podcast that is all Torah study as well.

Remember to make time for prayer. Turn off the television. Turn off the iPod. We fill our heads with a lot of noise. How can God get a word in edgewise if we are so noisy all the time?

Consider getting a spiritual director. A spiritual director can be a priest or minister, but doesn’t necessarily have to be one. She or he is trained to help you achieve intimacy with God. I consider such a person to be like a guru, but for Western faiths. I’ve learned more from my spiritual director than I’ve ever learned from any minister.

I’ll leave you with a little poem.

Make your life into a prayer,
and everything you do will be a love letter to God.
And God will answer back, I love you, I love you, I love you
from every rock and rainbow,
from every smile from every stranger.

Hail, Mary.

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I think Mary is far more approachable than Jesus. Just look at how she is depicted, for starters. She is so calm and nurturing. You can’t help but feel love when you look at pictures or icons of her. The opposite is true when I see a crucifix. I so dislike crucifixes. I hate to see Jesus in agony. I feel guilty and shameful, and I feel that is the intent of them. But Mary is different. She is all about love and humble obedience to God.

Mary is like many other saints who said “Here I am” when God called for help. The difference between a saint and an average person is that a saint lets the light of God shine through them. They choose to let God work through them to bring healing to the world. Saints aren’t just for way back when, saints are here right now.

I reject the Catholic idea of immaculate conception. This doctrine does not refer to Jesus being conceived immaculately. It refers to how Mary herself was conceived. It was a workaround to deal with the paradox of how Jesus could be fully human and fully divine at the same time. It says that because she was conceived immaculately, she is half divine. There is nothing about this in the Bible. It is made up.

To make Mary anything less than fully human takes away from her. I need her to be human. I need her to be human because if she is anything else then she isn’t a role model. Who could possibly emulate someone who is half God? The test is rigged from the very beginning. By her being human, she is more amazing to me.

Mary was a young girl who was engaged when the Angel Gabriel came to her and announced that she was chosen to bring forth the Messiah. She was alone. I can’t even begin to imagine how terrifying this experience was. Alone, young, inexperienced, and an angel talking to you. That alone would be huge. Then for the angel to tell you that the hopes and dreams of your entire community was going to need your help? Huge.

Jonah ran the other way when God called on him. I can identify with this. This seems like a normal thing to do. I feel like the normal reaction to being asked by God to do something really off the charts unusual would be to say “are you kidding, God?” And then maybe followed with a whine about how you are busy right now and that it would be so much better to do this later, and can’t you ask somebody else?

But Mary didn’t do that. She said yes. Right then. No asking her parents or fiance. She trusted God. I love this about her. I want to be that bold and that trusting. I want to be that fast in replying.

We are all called to be like Mary. We are all called to bring forth the light of God in the world. Every time we choose to help someone, to teach, to console, to love, we are letting God enter the world through us.

We are called to materialize the divine, to make it real. “Materialize” at its root is the word “mater”, meaning “mother”. We are to give birth to God every day, by bringing forth kindness and love.

Hail, Mary, full of grace.

Letter to myself.

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One of my dreams is to make custom beaded jewelry for Nashville recording artists. I have no idea if this will ever happen. But I have to start somewhere. I make jewelry. I have it for sale online. I’ve been to craft shows and sold my work. People know I make jewelry. So eventually it will pick up steam and get going.

But I have to do something. I have to make the jewelry. I have to post pictures and descriptions on my Etsy page, Beaded Retort. I have to cast my bread upon the water. These things don’t just happen without some effort.

I want to write a book. But how do you write a book? Word by sentence by paragraph by chapter. Bit by bit. So every post I write is a step towards this. Who knows where this is going? I’m just happy that I’m writing again. And I like the fact that people don’t have to pay to read my musings.

I want to be a peace negotiator. I want to bridge understanding between cultures. So I read about different cultures. I take classes on dialogue versus debate. I’m aware of different conflict negotiation centers nearby. Something might come up that will be a great class at a great price.

I’m building connections with all these things. And I’m working towards these goals.

I’m reminded of the number of people that Jesus made work. They had to go do something to get healed. I feel like there is a reason behind my struggles.

I push myself. I feel like a baby bird, pecking away at the egg. Soon I will break free and flap my little wet wings.

It is hard for me sometimes. I’m quite the introvert. I’d rather stay home most of the time. I get overwhelmed with sensory input often. Because I’m bipolar I have to be careful not to get off balance with exercise and rest and over stimulation. But I know that if I stay home nothing will happen. I keep pushing, taking classes, meeting with people, going to shows.

I don’t really know where I’m going but I know I’m on my way. It is interesting, this journey. I feel like I am watching myself become myself.

It isn’t here.

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It isn’t about the tree that Buddha sat under.
You won’t find enlightenment no matter how long you sit there.
Go find your own tree.
Or a rock.
Or an island
in the middle of a freeway.

The birthplace of Jesus shouldn’t be a pilgrimage site.
It isn’t the place. The place doesn’t matter.
That it happened is what matters.

Don’t charge admission to truth.
Don’t sell tickets to joy.

Where any enlightened person walked or lived or taught should be forgotten.
You can’t learn from ghosts in places.

Follow who they followed, back to the root.
Who is at the beginning?
Who is at the source?

You don’t have to go to the holy land.
Black Elk tells us that
the holy land is everywhere.

Right here, right where you are,
put a plaque. Memorialize it for future generations.

Have it say “I am here”

And then burn it down.

Zombie fiction list

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I read zombie fiction because I like to be surprised. There is so much really good writing out there that happens to be in this genre.

“Monster Island”, “Monster Nation”, “Monster Planet” by David Wellington

A great trilogy. So great I bought the series and gave it to my brother-in-law for Christmas, because you know that nothing says “Happy birth of the Messiah” like zombie fiction. This is zombie fiction from the zombies’ and the survivor’s points of view. In this take on zombies, the zombies can retain their mental capacities if oxygen continues to get to the brain during the death period. Most zombies are the average insentient zombie – they are in the front lines of the zombie attack. A few – either accidentally or intentionally, are sentient, and they can control the others telepathically. The action in the book starts off in New York, and then travels over the entire world, in a quest to find the source of the zombie epidemic. In this series, animals can become zombies too. Zombie pigeons and cats are actually quite terrifying. The second book is a little slow (the writer was experiencing a lot of heavy stuff in his life at the time) but slog through it – it is worth it to get to the third book. This series is excellently written, with very good pacing of the action and some surprising and thought-provoking twists about the zombie myth.

“I, Zombie” by Al Ewing (Tomes of the Dead series)

From the Abaddon Books “Tomes of the Dead” series comes “I, Zombie”. Set in London, it starts out with our narrator the zombie, named “John Doe”. He has forgotten his real name, and also does not know how long he has been a zombie. He is a hired hitman. He goes and kills bad guys for money. He is a civilized zombie, and tries desperately to not let his zombie nature take over. He is hunted by an elite force that has set up shop in the Tower of London. This group, this secret British military unit, has been tasked with the responsibility of eliminating all zombies in England. They breed werewolves to track him. He is the last of his kind, and they want to study him to learn how he works. They take him apart, and all of his organs try to re-form into more zombies. He also has the ability to slow time. There is a lot more to this, and it isn’t the average zombie story (there are aliens, Earth colonization). It was excellently written and came together very nicely in the end. Creepy good.

“Tide of Souls” by Simon Bestwick (Tomes of the Dead series)

The world has flooded. Zombies are called “Nightmares”. Killing a person by shooting him in the head does not ensure that he will not come back as a zombie. The zombie’s eyes glow green. It is divided up into sections, with each section having a differerent narrator.

“The Way of the Barefoot Zombie” by Jasper Bark (Tomes of the Dead series)

The zombies are the draw for a special educational vacation retreat. Rich people from all around the world come to a secluded Caribbean island to learn about life and business by studying and imitating zombies that are in a captive colony. The party goes awry when operatives from the Zombie Liberation Front step in.

“The Devil’s Plague” by Mark Beynon (Tomes of the Dead series)

Set in England during the time of Oliver Cromwell – who has enlisted an army of the undead to win his war against the Royalists. The zombies are “The Kryfangan” – who are said to be an army created by the Devil himself, and had been used by Ghengis Khan.

“The Words of Their Roaring” by Matthew Smith (Tomes of the Dead series)

Set in London, where zombies have free reign. The civilization is non existant. However, a former mob boss thinks this is great – he now has a chance to get control of the city the way he likes. He figures out how to use the zombies to be his troops. One zombie is sentient, and helps out the resistance. The reason for the zombie outbreak is a virus that was being developed to create an army of zombies. The plan was to send expendible zombies to war instead of live soldiers.

“Death Hulk” by Matthew Sprange (Tomes of the Dead series)

A historical naval zombie fiction. You can’t escape zombies when you are out to sea or on a deserted island. I agree with the reviews that the historical accuracy and the nautical descriptions appear spot on – but it takes way too long to get to the zombie part of the story. Once you get there, it is pretty scary.

“Breathers, A Zombie’s Lament” by S.G. Browne

Advertised as a “Zombie Romantic Comedy” – or a zom-rom-com. An enjoyable light read, and most likely the only romantic comedy I’ll every bother with. The main character, Andy Warner, was in an automobile accident yet walked away from his funeral. Not all the dead reanimate in this book – and it is unknown what the cause is for the reanimation. But when they do reanimate, they find they have no civil rights. Their identities die with them – no name, no driver’s license, no bank account. If a zombie is lucky, he has relatives who are willing to claim him and give him a place to stay. If he isn’t, he is sold for dog food or medical research. Andy lives in his parent’s wine cellar. He attends a support group called “Undead Anonymous” where he meets Rita, a sexy suicide with a taste for lipstick. The formaldehyde in everyday products like lipstick and nail polish help the recent zombies to look more natural. A very funny tale about who is human and who has rights as a human.

“Death Troopers” by Joe Schreiber

Star Wars plus zombies. Really, who could want more? Well, I want a better ending, but other than that it is a great read.

“Viking Dead” by Toby Venables (Tomes of the Dead series)

Really fabulous. Zombies and Vikings. Another winner from the Tomes of the Dead series.

“Empire of Salt” by Weston Ochse (Tomes of the Dead series)

A little slow paced at times. This was advertised as being really good horror, but it isn’t that scary. Good suspense, but the characters are a little off.

“Festival of Death” by Jonathan Morris

A Doctor Who zombie book – no, the Doctor isn’t a zombie, even though he never seems able to die. This has interesting characters and a good plot, but it gets a little confusing because of all the time-travel. It is a little hard to keep up with.

“Alice in Zombieland” by Gena Showalter

Young-Adult level, butt-kicking romance with zombies. Think “Twilight” but not annoying. This is really good.

“Brown Girl in the Ring” by Nalo Hopkinson

The zombie myth goes back to the source. Voodoo magic fiction. Very good.

“Double Dead” by Chuck Wendig (Tomes of the Dead series)

What happens if you are a vampire and you wake up and the world has been taken over by zombies? You suddenly have to protect the humans, because otherwise you’ll starve to death. This is a refreshing take on the zombie myth.

“Charity begins at home.”

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“Charity begins at home.” These are the words I’ve heard from two different people in church about my blog post “My problem with church”. I had pointed out that church as a whole, not just that particular parish, has gotten off track and is more focused on being a social club than on social outreach. They’ve also said that we are a family, and we have to build up our own family first.

OK, that sounds good, but I don’t remember Jesus saying that. In fact, I remember Jesus telling Peter and Andrew to drop everything they were doing and leave their families to follow him. I remember Jesus telling a man to not bury his father if he wanted to follow him. I remember Jesus saying that only people who do the will of his Father are his brothers and sisters. I don’t recall him saying anything about taking care of your own needs first.

The argument from them is that there are a lot of broken people in church, that they are too broken to help others yet. They need support and healing from the church right now, and aren’t strong enough to help others. I think there is a lot of danger in thinking that way.

There is a lot of healing in being useful. I think it is dangerous to teach someone to be dependent. The more you let someone think they are helpless, the needier they get. They don’t learn to reach out and help others. Their attention remains inward-focused. The more your attention stays inward, the more selfish and dependent you will become.

Sure, church can be about baseball games and hanging out at the local pub (if your denomination is OK with drinking). But it has to be more about helping others. Otherwise, what is the point of being a church? Any group can get together to eat hot dogs and drink beer, but there is something different about a church. It, in theory, should be a group of people who believe in service to mankind. It should be people who agree with Teresa of Avila’s idea that we are the hands and feet of Christ. We are Jesus to people.

There is something healing in serving. There is something seemingly backwards in this. The more you help others, the more you help yourself. You get out of your own problems for a bit. You stop thinking about how miserable your own life seems to you and start realizing that someone else has it worse, and you are helping them to make it better. That act of helping transforms you. You realize that there is a way out.

I think church should be a place where like-minded people can join together to serve others. And when I say others, I mean everybody. We shouldn’t be serving just those people in the congregation. We should be serving people in the community who aren’t members of the church. We should be serving people in the city, the state, the country, the continent, the world. I don’t think it should be about making more Christians – I think it should be about us being Christians. We are called to serve people as Christ would, because we are now Christ in this world.

I know that I’ve angered people in my previous church with my words, and I know that there are some things that they do for outreach that are great and exactly what I’m talking about. But I feel that more of our time and money should be towards those things instead of “at home”.

I know that some of this feeling comes from my initial calling when I was 12 (I’ll write about that later.) So this is all part of that push, that draw. None of this is a surprise to me, really. I didn’t expect this part of this journey to be happening now, in this way, but I’m OK with it. I know that this is part of the plan.

People don’t like being told that what they are doing is wrong. There is a long precedent of prophets being ignored and worse. The prophet Jeremiah was even warned by God that he would be attacked for telling the people what God wanted them to hear. And there are others.

Hosea 9:7 “The days of punishment are coming, the days of reckoning are at hand. Let Israel know this. Because your sins are so many and your hostility so great, the prophet is considered a fool, the inspired person a maniac.”

Ezekial 2:1-7 “1 He said to me: O mortal, stand up on your feet, and I will speak with you. 2 And when he spoke to me, a spirit entered into me and set me on my feet; and I heard him speaking to me. 3 He said to me, Mortal, I am sending you to the people of Israel, to a nation of rebels who have rebelled against me; they and their ancestors have transgressed against me to this very day. 4 The descendants are impudent and stubborn. I am sending you to them, and you shall say to them, “Thus says the Lord GOD.” 5 Whether they hear or refuse to hear (for they are a rebellious house), they shall know that there has been a prophet among them. 6 And you, O mortal, do not be afraid of them, and do not be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns surround you and you live among scorpions; do not be afraid of their words, and do not be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house. 7 You shall speak my words to them, whether they hear or refuse to hear; for they are a rebellious house.

Luke 4:24 “And He said, “Truly I say to you, no prophet is welcome in his hometown.”

I’m not saying I’m a prophet. I’m bipolar, anyway. Who would listen to me? But I don’t think I should be ignored just because I’m bipolar. I think I am on to something here. I think that everybody should read the Gospels for themselves and match up what is going on in the church today and see if what Jesus wanted us to do is being done.

The funny and sad part to me is that of the few people who have tried to convince me to stay, their reasons for staying are the very reasons I have to leave.

By the way, I just looked it up. “Charity begins at home” isn’t from the Bible. It is from Sir Thomas Browne (1605-1682). Paul said in a letter to Timothy “But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.”(1 Timothy 5:4) As I’ve pointed out before, I’m a Christian, not a Paulian. Jesus didn’t say “Charity begins at home.”

Sanctuary.

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I was in a chapel at a retreat center last November. It was a tiny chapel, very personal sized. It was big enough to hold maybe 20 people comfortably. There was an old carved wood altar with icons of Mary and Jesus on it. There were small votive candles and white linen altar coverings. The chapel had that warm musty smell that I associate with old hardback books and dusty buildings. I was alone, and it was raining and it was so late at night that it was early in the morning. I was likely to remain there, by myself, because of the rain and the time. I was doing something called an altar call, but I didn’t know it at the time.

I thought about how this room, this chapel, was different from the other rooms at the retreat center. There was something special about how this particular room was set aside for worshiping God and for no other purpose. Because I was by myself, I decided that it was OK to talk to God out loud, instead of quietly in my heart as I normally would do in a chapel.

I said, God, how come when we are in a place like this, we know that you are here? We feel different in a chapel. We feel calmer, more at peace. We feel at home in a way that we don’t usually feel at our own homes. How come we can’t have this feeling everywhere? How come we can’t have this feeling in the kitchen, or in the living room, or at work?

And I heard an answer back.

I heard “You are to make within yourself a sanctuary for me.”

And I thought, of course we are. When I heard this, it made perfect sense.

If we make ourselves into a living sanctuary for God, we will carry God with us, everywhere we go. Not only do we have that warm feeling of God’s presence with us, but we are then able to share that sense of calm and love with everyone we meet.

In the church I came from there are home Communion kits. They are small kits that enable Eucharistic Ministers (lay people who are licensed to distribute the Elements during Communion) to take Communion to members of the church who are unable to attend the worship service due to ill health. Such a kit has glass containers for the already-consecrated Bread and Wine, the Body and Blood, as well as linens and a tiny paten and chalice set. These kits are used just for this purpose.

With these kits, we are able to share Jesus with them, in a literal way. In this way, we are able to remind them that they are part of our family even though we are not able to worship together in the usual way.

By making within ourselves a sanctuary for God, we are becoming living home Communion kits. We are able to share the light and love of God with everyone. We are able to let everyone know that we are all part of one family where we are all brothers and sisters.

When I first started the discernment process to see if I was being called to be ordained I was asked to read a book by the Rev. Barbara Brown Taylor. I was asked to point out what parts spoke to me. The part that got my attention the most was when she talked about her desire to take Communion out of the building and take it out to the sidewalk. She didn’t want the joy of Communion to be kept inside a building. She wanted it to be brought out into the middle of the busyness and bustle of everyday life.

Church buildings can feel very private, very members only. The people who need the healing light of God the most are those who don’t feel able to go inside a church. She wanted to take away the barriers between God and people by bringing God to them, rather than making them come to God.

I want this too. I want this more than I can possibly explain.

My priest misunderstood when I told her this was the part I liked the best. She sent me to a church service called “Church in the Yard”. It is an inner-city ministry that celebrates the Eucharist with homeless people, but instead of celebrating in the church building, it is outside, in the churchyard. While this was an enlightening experience, this wasn’t quite what I meant.

I want more.

I think the beauty of God is that He comes right to us. He doesn’t wait for us to be perfect or beautiful or fixed. He comes to us exactly as we are, right now. He doesn’t need us to go to a special place to know that we are special. He comes to us in our brokenness and our pettiness and our hunger. He comes to us in the middle of our day, unannounced, unassuming. He comes to us to let us know that we are loved beyond our understanding.

I don’t know if I’ve done it right, this “making a sanctuary” within myself. But I know that it is the answer. Because by carrying God within me, rather than thinking He’s out there, in a building far away, I have a sense of freedom that no minister ever taught me.