Here is part of why I don’t speak to my brother. In 1994 I was the youngest in the family (at 25), left alone with a dying mother for a year. It was horrible. Ian was horrible to me over the phone, telling me I wasn’t doing enough. Meanwhile he lived 45 minutes away and would send me mail with newspaper articles about how much money he made on a huge real estate sale – and didn’t send us any. We were living on food stamps for one person. He’d send me photocopies of his day planner to prove how busy he was and why he couldn’t visit. He made his own schedule.

Meanwhile I quit work to take care of Mom, to drive her to all her appointments, get the groceries, cook, etc.

Shortly before she died he really went off the rails. Still in Rome Georgia, he said over the phone that he had “absorbed” all of Mom’s illness and was coughing out all the cancer. He also decided his girlfriend was “pregnant with the next Christ” and locked her in the house and disabled her car (stole her distributor cap). He painted crosses on the windows with wine to “keep the demons out”. 

We had him involuntarily committed.  I changed the locks on my house.

I’ve given him multiple chances and he has never made the situation right. An apology isn’t enough. Changed behavior is a start. Actual therapy and medication is a start.

He even told me once, maybe 10 years ago, that the reason he was a quarter of a million dollars in debt at the time was my fault. He said it was because he thought I must have “prayed for his downfall”. Yes, he used those exact words. In reality, he was in debt because he had multiple get-rich schemes he’d started, all using bank loans to fund them. They were all decent business ideas that he didn’t spend any time working on to make them grow. He had several different things going on at the same time. Meanwhile the real estate business was slow…but he didn’t get another job. So the reason he was in debt was his own fault. 

Blaming me for it was insane.

Years later I gave him another chance, and asked him if he remembered saying that to me. There were several ways that conversation could have gone – and it went totally differently than I expected. He said he didn’t remember saying it at all.

Which means that he is not in control of his mind.  His previous bizarre and dangerous actions and statements are a trend, not a one-off.

This means that he could say or do anything at any time that is equally bizarre – or worse.

I cannot risk this.

So, for anyone who is saying “he’s family, you have to accept him” – are you willing to allow someone who has exhibited such extremely disturbing behaviors into your life? Into your home? Around your children?

Being related to someone is not an excuse to be abused or harmed by them.