Cold Call dating two

When you go to apply for a job do you just walk in and say “Hey, you need to hire me”? Or do you get to know the place? Do you try to find out if they have the products that you like to buy? Do they have ethical practices that are in line with what you agree with? If so, then you should work there. If not, then no.

You should never just walk in off the street, having no knowledge of the place, and try to get a job there. You both will be miserable.

A similar amount of effort should put in if you are trying to find a girlfriend. Get to know her as a person. A boyfriend and girlfriend relationship is entirely different than knowing someone as a friend. There is a lot more to it.

Both getting a job and getting a girlfriend are big commitments.

There is a connection between retail and dating. Think of trying to date as if you are the product, and you are trying to sell yourself. You are trying to get them to buy you. Why would someone be interested if they don’t know anything about you?

Plus, girls want to think that they are special. They want to know that you are choosing them because they people and not just because they are female. Show some discretion and discernment.

One of the worst things you can do is ask someone out on a date when you have just met them. There might have been a chance you two would do well together, but because you jumped ahead a step, you blew it.

One of the best ways of getting to know someone is to be part of the same kinds of groups. Join a club. See who is there that looks interesting. And when I say “looks interesting” I don’t mean “looks beautiful”. Looks aren’t everything, and they fade fast. Look for someone who laughs at the things you laugh at. Look for someone who supports the same causes as you.

Is she fun and funny? Or does she seem needy and nervous? Is she helpful, or does she always need help?

Getting to know someone’s personality takes a while, and that is a good thing. If you are going to be in a long-term relationship with someone, you need to take the time to get to know them well.

Asking someone out on the first day you meet them is not the way to do it.

Sometimes it feels like guys are just shooting fish in a barrel when they are looking for a girlfriend. No aiming required. They will take whatever they can get. The results are messy in both situations.

Here’s one of many stories I can share about a dating attempt gone wrong. I’m in a water aerobics class that is pretty difficult. An older guy shows up. He is probably in his 70s, and most of us are in our 40s. In the first ten minutes of class he is already asking for dates, hinting openly that he wants a sex partner. Nobody knew him, and he didn’t know them.

Why would we, or he, want to have sex with a stranger? This is a very intimate and personal experience. Either person could end up with a really scary partner. Actually, it is pretty safe to say they would end up with a scary partner because someone who shows that level of casualness about sex is pretty sketchy.

It makes me wonder if he would buy a house just because the garden is nice. There are pretty flowers in the front yard, but the house is falling apart inside. The plumbing is wrecked, there is mold everywhere, the kitchen is gutted, the roof is falling in and there are raccoons and possums living inside – but hey, the garden is nice – I’ll buy it.

No reasonable person would buy a house like that. Likewise, no reasonable person should ask a woman for a date and know nothing about her other than she is a pretty woman with a nice smile.

The funny part? They guy didn’t even make it through the class. He lasted about 20 minutes and then he had to get out because it was too difficult for him. If he can’t make it through a water aerobics class, he certainly couldn’t have survived sex.

What he should have done is come to the class for at least a month, and gotten to know the personalities of the class members by talking to them. He should get to know the women as people, and not as women. He should have gotten to know them with no goal in mind, because having the goal of dating can make objectivity difficult.

Cold call dating

I got a message on Facebook today from a stranger. It said –
“Good Day….I passed by your profile your smile caught my eyes it would be nice to chat if you think we might be compatible?….I hope you have a great day.”

I didn’t recognize the name. I clicked over to his profile. I don’t know this person. Perhaps we have some friends in common? No. We don’t. We don’t have anything in common other than we are human. He lives in Atlanta, GA. He is from Marseille, France. That is all I got from his page. From his profile pictures he looks like he is in his mid 50s. One picture looks like he is in a commercial kitchen.

He seems nice enough, in a stalker kind of way.

This is sadly normal. Why do some guys think that it is ok to essentially cold-call women? Wouldn’t it be better to get to know her as a person first, to know something about her? To have some shared interests?

Perhaps that is the problem with the guys who are attacking women. They don’t know how to relate to women at all, as people. They know, because society tells them, that they have to date women, but they don’t know how. So they get frustrated, and because society doesn’t teach them how to deal with their emotions other than with violence, they attack.

Perhaps they need to learn social skills at a young age. Perhaps it is time for all of us to start teaching boys how to relate to women as humans.

Talking to women is the same as talking to guys. See them as people first. Get to know them as human beings. You can deepen the relationship later if it is mutually agreed upon. Don’t start off with the goal of dating.

My reply was this:
“Hello. I’m not sure why you have contacted me, as you know nothing about me – the most important being that I am married. That is why I smile. But this opens up another issue – why would you contact a woman you don’t know anything about? Just because she is a woman? Just because she is smiling? You might have better luck if you get to know people as people, as individuals first. Join a Facebook group that you have an interest in, and notice who posts there that you find interesting. Then contact her. That way, you both have something in common. Best of luck to you.”

I’d considered not replying, but I thought that maybe I could use this as a teachable moment.

Consider this – getting to know women is the same as getting a job. Do you just go for any job – or do you go for one that will suit you, one that fits your interests? When I was a manager, I only interviewed people who showed me that they knew something about the store. They needed to have been customers. They needed to have had a history with the place.

People who just walked in off the street, looking for any job at all, need not apply.

Guys who are looking for any woman at all, need not apply. Women like to be selected for themselves, as people, as individuals, not just because they have the right plumbing.

List – on grocery lists and dating my husband.

I just sent an email to my husband. Please pick up bananas, organic instant oatmeal, Amy’s frozen dinners, and some “Naked” fruit juice. I send him a lot of emails like this. Publix is on his way home, and today he will get out of work three hours before I do. By the time I get off there is just enough time to drive home, eat, and then it is time to get ready for bed.

Then I thought this is not healthy. If all I send him are grocery lists, I’m not going to see him as anything other than a grocery list getter. I didn’t send him grocery lists when we were dating. What about being married for almost ten years has made me change my message to him from sweet little love notes to shopping lists?

I think it is important to remember to date my husband. All the things I did to get him should be all the things I do to keep him.

Recently I’ve decided to have a special dinner with him once a week. Usually he cooks. Usually I get home so late that it isn’t feasible for me to cook. I also wasn’t taught how to cook when I was growing up so a lot about cooking frustrates me. It always feels like I’m hurtling down the hill on my bike and the brakes don’t work. I always feel like things are cooking at different rates and nothing is going to come out on time at the right temperature. Who cares if the salmon is hot if the mashed potatoes are cold?

But I’ve decided it is time to learn. I’m not going to get better at cooking unless I try. So I’m starting with things I know. So once a week, on Fridays, (my day off) I go to the grocery store and pick fresh vegetables and some seafood. Nothing frozen, nothing packaged. I cook it, and we use the nice plates. We light candles. We turn off the lights. More importantly we turn off the TV. Just my husband and me, at the dinner table, enjoying a meal and each other’s company.

It is great. I don’t know why we haven’t done this before now. I know I’ve thought about it. I’ve always managed to come up with an excuse. I’m tired. It is raining. My back hurts. I’m overwhelmed. They are just different ways of saying I don’t want to, not really. You’ll either find a way or you’ll find an excuse, they say.

It all started on Thanksgiving. There was too much drama going on with the in-laws so it made more sense to stay home. We used the dinner table for the first time in years for something other than a desk.

I decided now was the time to keep this going. No backing out now. Any tradition has to start somewhere, and now was as good a time as any. So something good is going to come out of something not so great. But there are always snags on the way to happiness.

Last Friday it was raining. It was cold. Going to the grocery store was the last thing I wanted to do. But I did. I did because I love him. I did it to show that I love him. I can say it all the time but it doesn’t mean anything unless I make it real.

Maybe something as easy as taking the time to take the time is the secret. Maybe slogging out in the cold rain to make a hot meal is really the secret to everything.