Thoughts on public displays of grief.

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There are several different ways that people publicly grieve. Here are few I’ve noticed that seem especially modern. Many seem counterproductive to the healing process. Many seem to exacerbate and prolong grieving.

Commemorating relative’s deaths on Facebook. Every year we hear when their relatives were born or died. Sometimes the birthday post will say “Happy Birthday Mom! You would have been 87 years old today!” Is it suitable to wish happy birthday to someone who has died? Mom has been dead for 20 years. Many of the people who are their friends never even met their Mom.

The side of the road memorials. These often have crosses with the person’s name on it and some fake flowers. Is that where the person died? Was there a car crash? Is this meant to warn others that this is a dangerous area and to drive safely? Is it legal to put private roadside memorials on public property? Could the memorial itself become a safety hazard by distracting someone? How long is too long to leave one of these up? When did this start? These have not always been.

The stickers on the car – “In loving memory of (insert name here)”. These are very large, some of which cover the entire back window of the car. Sometimes there is a profile of praying hands or of Jesus. Often there are birth and death dates. There is a possibility that the sticker itself could be a hazard to the driver, making it hard to see when they are changing lanes. The people on the road most likely did not know that person. How is this message relevant or helpful to them?

Tattoos for the dead. Either with birthdates and death dates, or an image of the person, or both.

Many of these different public memorials are designed to be permanent. Sure, we want to remember the dead. To not remember them and what they meant to you is to make it as if they didn’t exist. But is it helpful to grieve forever? It is meaningful to show your grief to complete strangers? They don’t know your loved one. Is it a way of saying that your grief is worse, because you are showing it off? We all have loved ones who have died. It seems that to have a public display of grief indicates that you feel that others do not grieve.

Grief is a long and difficult process, and Western society does not have a very healthy relationship with it. This is the same society that doesn’t even acknowledge death as a natural part of life. The dying process is seen as an aberration or something to be treated. No wonder our grieving has no set pattern for beginning, middle, and end. No wonder it gets so messy.

I’m not questioning the need to grieve. I’m questioning the need to grieve publicly and permanently. Is that healthy? Is it productive? Is it fair to everyone else?

The Cold. (an ephemera story)

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The cold story

We went to the hospital near Greenbrier this time. We went, bolstered up only by prayer.

They never suspected. They never saw it coming, the total breakdown of their system. We looked healthy, as healthy as anyone can look in the fall. Runny noses were rampant then, the beautiful colors came to the trees and the allergies came with him. We looked healthy in comparison. We’d prepared.

They don’t check passports at this hospital, and they don’t check immunization records. Just a quick look at your face and you were in, sticker pressed to your shirt over your heart, the same place every time. No sticker, no admittance, so it had to be prominent.

We’d been to Madagascar, we’d been to Belize. Cameroon? Sure. We did so many little forgotten countries that we filled our passport books 3 times over.

And immunizations? Homeschooled. Our ultra-religious parents didn’t want us being infected by the world by thoughts or antibodies. They prayed our colds away. Even a broken arm wasn’t too much for their prayers. Healed up overnight, it did, with nary a twinge. They weren’t around anymore, but their lessons held true. We’d learned the way of prayer.

We were carriers now, infected with every virus and germ, known and unknown. We were carriers, but not sick. We carried our gifts of sickness and disease and death to any and sundry, throughout the city and then the state.

We started small, but had big plans. Soon we would wipe out, shut down, cripple Western medicine, bring it to its knees. Soon they would beg for the knowledge that would save them.

For too long they had trusted in their own knowledge and not in the LORD. For too long they’d trusted in their Science and not the Spirit. Those days were soon to be over.

“Thank you, Paul!” Margery said, pausing just long enough to read his name badge.

The watch-nurse’s name read in 20pt. type “Paul Roberts” but she called him by his first name, his Christian name. More friendly that way. More disarming too. Amazing what a smile and calling a stranger by his name would do to open doors, visible and not.

“You’re most welcome, Ma’am!” he sang out.

Good manners, too. A shame he’d be dead in a week. That’s part of the price of throwing in with the devil. His choice. His loss.

She pressed a “The LORD is coming soon!” pamphlet into his hand. Maybe he’d read it and get saved. It was his only chance, to read it. Just touching it he was doomed to an early death. He’d die, sure, but being saved meant he’d not go straight to hell.

—————————

If being around Margery and John wasn’t enough, the pamphlets did the rest. Even thrown in the trash, the damage was done. Bare skin to the paper, or better yet the ink, and a thousand viruses were passed. It took just a moment.

They were specially prepared. No one would ever suspect.

The couple had a hundred of them. It was enough.

They made their way to the cancer ward, then the neonatal unit, then ICU. The weakest first, and then the rest. Never too long in one area, and always friendly, and always apparently lost. The nurses would redirect them, and they’d be on their way.

It was all in a day’s work.

Humans and animals

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“Humans — who enslave, castrate, experiment on, and fillet other animals — have had an understandable penchant for pretending animals do not feel pain. A sharp distinction between humans and ‘animals’ is essential if we are to bend them to our will, make them work for us, wear them, eat them — without any disquieting tinges of guilt or regret. It is unseemly of us, who often behave so unfeelingly toward other animals, to contend that only humans can suffer. The behavior of other animals renders such pretensions specious. They are just too much like us.”
From “Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors” (1992) by Carl Sagan and co-written Dr. Ann Druyan

If we can do this to animals, then how do we treat humans? If we can separate and de-personalize animals, to separate them into “things”, then do we also do that to humans?

Is it how we are able to enslave humans?
No living wage, no health care.
Treating people as if “They deserve it”
Women being treated like things and objects.
Human trafficking.

In many ways we don’t seem to have made humans above animals. We don’t eat them, but we don’t let them live either, not really. We create laws so people can’t make their own choices about their lives and then experience the consequences – thus depriving them of valuable learning opportunities. Our laws treat people like children.

Look – the Messiah!

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Jesus was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God will come. He answered “You won’t be able to see when the kingdom of God comes because it is among you.”

Then he spoke to the disciples. “Soon you will miss days like this, where the Son of Man is among you. People will say ‘Look there!’ or ‘Look, here is the Messiah!’ Don’t listen to them or go where they show you. False messiahs and false prophets will gain prominence and will mislead a lot of people by performing great signs and wonders. Even the elect are at risk of being led astray by them.”

“I’ve told you everything in advance so that you can be on your guard. This way if they say ‘Look he’s in the wilderness’ or ‘He’s in the inner rooms’, you’ll know not to believe what they say and you’ll stay where you are.”

“The Son of Man will come in the same way that lightning flashes from one side of the sky to the other, lighting it all up.”

MT 24:23-27, MK 13:21-23, LK 17:20-24

Spring forward

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It means that when it was 9, it is now 10. This means that if I show up to work at 9, having not changed my clock, I’ll be an hour late.

It means I lose an hour of sleep.

It means that supper is an hour earlier than I am used to.

It means that it is lighter for an hour longer. If it was dark at 6, it is now dark at 7.

It means that I need to get in bed earlier because even though new 10 feels like old 9, new 6 is really old 5.

It is easier to change the clocks in the spring than in the fall.

(I wrote this because I’m always having to remind myself of these things at the time change. This way, I can just look at my blog to remember.)

Poem – Tea house

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tea garden

The Tea garden
isn’t a garden
but a path.
It is how you get to the
Tea house
for the
Tea ceremony.

Why not have the Tea room closer?
Why a garden?
Why a path?

Because you aren’t ready.
You need that time,
that space,
to take off your
everyday self
and to welcome
the stillness
and attention
that is the Tea ceremony.

You need that compressed walk
to the hermit’s hut
at the base of the mountain.
You need to pass through gates
real and hinted at.
You need to sit
on a low bench, sheltered with bamboo
long enough to shake off
the dust of the outside.

Why not have that experience all the time?
Why not be that cleansed,
that alert
that awake
always ready to welcome
everything
as a message
from God, the Creator, the Infinite?

Are there jobs that pay for
that kind of bliss?
Are there relatives who won’t
call the authorities,
worried you are out of your mind
when in reality
you are the only sane one?

By giving up your Self
and merging with
the All
you have truly
Remembered.

Servants and Bridesmaids (Be alert, part 2)

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“Be prepared to serve when you are called to work.

Consider the story of the ten bridesmaids who went out to meet the groom with their lamps. Only half of them were sensible and took oil with them. The groom took a while in coming and all the bridesmaids fell asleep. They were suddenly awoken by a shout from someone announcing that the groom was coming. All the bridesmaids got up and trimmed their lamps. The ones who hadn’t prepared asked the other ones for oil because their lamps for going out. The ones who had prepared said ‘No, because there won’t be enough for all of us if we give you any’. They told them to go buy more oil for themselves. While they were gone, the groom showed up, and only the bridesmaids who had prepared were able to go with him to the wedding feast. The door was locked after them. When the rest of the bridesmaids arrived, they asked to be let in. The groom refused to open the door to them, saying ‘I don’t know you!’”

Whether the story concerns bridesmaids waiting on a groom, or servants waiting on their master, the moral is the same – they didn’t know when he was going to arrive, and it was only those who were prepared and ready who were praised and included. “Therefore, always be ready, because you never know when the Son of Man is going to come, whether in the evening, or at midnight, or at dawn. So be alert.”

MT 25:1-13, MK 13:32-37, LK 12:35-38

Be Alert! (part 1)

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“As regards to exactly when the Day of Judgment will happen, no one knows, not angels, not the Son. Only the Father knows. That time will be just like it was in the time of Noah and the flood. Right until the flood happened, people went on like they always had, eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, right up until the day Noah boarded the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all, sweeping away all their possessions. They didn’t know what was going to happen to them until it happened.”

MT 24:36-39a, LK 17: 26-27

“Just like it was in Lot’s time, people went on with their normal lives, doing all the usual things they always did. But right after Lot left Sodom, the whole town was destroyed by a rain of fire and sulfur from heaven. It will be just as sudden and surprising as that was to them when the Son of Man is revealed.”

LK 17:28-30

“When you see ‘the abomination that causes desolation’ standing in the holy place, which was spoken of by the prophet Daniel (let the reader take note of this) then everyone in Judea must flee to the mountains. When you see that Jerusalem is surrounded by armies, know that it is time for its destruction. When that happens, a man standing on his roof must not come down to get anything out of his house. Also a man out in the fields should not return home to get his clothing. Those inside Jerusalem must escape, and those in the country must not enter the city because the days of vengeance have come to fulfill all the prophecies.

MT 24:15-18, MK 13:14-16, LK 17:31, LK 21:20-22

“Remember what happened to Lot’s wife!”

LK 17:32

“It will be very hard for women who are pregnant or nursing when this happens. Pray that you won’t have to escape in winter or on the Sabbath. For this will be a time of great trouble and stress, unlike anything that has happened since the creation of this world until now, and will never happen again! No one would survive that time if God didn’t limit those days, but he did limit them for the sake of those he chose.” They will be cut down by swords and taken captive into all the nations, and the nations will trample Jerusalem until the end of that era.

MT 24:19-22, MK 13:17-20, LK 21:24

“The coming of the Son of Man will be like this – two men will be in the field. One will disappear, and the other will remain. Two women will be grinding grain at the mill. One will disappear, and one will remain. Two people will be together in a bed. One will disappear, and the other will remain. Therefore, be on guard, because you don’t know when your Lord is coming.”

MT 24:39b-42, LK 17:34-36

His disciples asked “Where, Lord?”
Jesus answered “The vultures will gather around the corpses.”

LK 17:37, MT 24:28, MT 24:28

“Know this – if the homeowner had known exactly when the thief was going to break into his house, he would have stayed at home and stayed awake so he could prevent his house from being robbed. You need to be ready in the same way, because the Son of Man will appear when you least expect it to happen.”

MT 24:43-44, LK 12:39-40

An unresponsive generation.

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“What shall I compare this generation to? It is like a bunch of children sitting around saying to each other ‘We played a happy tune but you didn’t dance to it. We sang a sad tune but you didn’t grieve!’ For John doesn’t make merry or celebrate by eating or drinking, and they say he’s possessed. On the other hand, the Son of Man enjoys drinking and feasting and they accuse him of being a glutton and a drunkard, and of hanging around with people who can’t be redeemed! Yet the fruit of wisdom justifies it.”

MT 11:16-19, LK 7:31-35

He then began to denounce the towns where he had performed the most miracles, because they didn’t turn away from their sinful behavior.

“It is terrible to be you, Chorazin! It is sad to be you, Bethsaida! For if Tyre and Sidon had seen the miracles that you saw, they would have repented long ago, wearing sackcloth and ashes! Mark my words – it will be easier on those cities on the Day of Judgment than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you ever see the kingdom of heaven? No, you will go down among the dead. Even the wicked town of Sodom would have been saved if it had seen the miracles you saw. That town will get off lightly on the Day of Judgment in comparison to you.”

Then speaking only to his disciples, he said “Whoever hears your message hears my message. Whoever rejects what you have to say rejects me. And whoever rejects me rejects the One who sent me.”

MT 11:20-24, LK 10:13-16