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Why do I keep using social media?

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It isn’t social. I get to see how other people are being social. I get to read stories about my so-called friends having fun with my other so-called friends. I get to see pictures of these same people having fun without me.

It hurts.

It hurts more when they ask me later – “How come we don’t see you anymore?” They think it has something to do with my husband – is he controlling? Abusive? It isn’t that at all. I ask “How come you don’t invite me anymore?” No answer. They don’t see me because they don’t think of me.

So should I post pictures of my good times? Will that make others feel left out? Maybe. Then why post them?

One longtime friend from high shool, one that I thought I got along well with, not only unfriended me but blocked me. No warning, no reason. Just gone. I thought about sending a message to a mutual friend but she had done the same. Apparently high school behavior isn’t just for high schoolers.

But then, I thought about it. If she didn’t want to talk about it, then I shouldn’t push. Perhaps I offended her and she has no words for it. Perhaps she “just isn’t into me” anymore. After twenty years.

I’ve unfriended and blocked people myself, sometimes without warning. Sometimes with. Sometimes people post things on my page that are inappropriate or low humor. Sometimes people don’t know what should be shared privately. Sometimes people overshare very personal things. Saying “trigger warning” doesn’t excuse some posts. Some posts are better for a therapist, not Facebook.

Some people I’ve unfriended and blocked are family members. I can’t really get rid of them, and telling them that they are overstepping boundaries is just going to make things uglier. Some people are just negative people – and not just to me. Telling them to quit saying “I disagree” to everything I post will just make them more negative. “Unfollowing” their paranoid posts was a start, but when they start sharing their paranoia on my page I have to put up walls. I could “unfollow” them and “hide” my posts for those people, but that just seems so passive-aggressive. Why even pretend we are still friends when we don’t see anything the other posts?

Facebook is a good way of getting to know someone you just met. It is the modern equivalent of hanging out in the hall between classes. You get a few minutes to share, and then you are off to something else. You don’t want to make a “date” with a new friend yet – you don’t know if you are going to want to commit to an hour or two together. But then you get to know them and you find out that they are really creepy or needy or annoying and you unfriend, or block if it is bad enough.

Then they get their feelings hurt. I actually had a coworker ask me why I’d unfriended her. I unfriended her in part because I wanted to write about work, right after work developed a policy saying we could only write about what we liked about work. I didn’t want anything I said getting out to the wrong person. I know you, but I don’t know who you know. I unfriended everybody who I worked with, just in case.

But then I wanted to talk about my crazy family – birth and in-laws. They got their feelings hurt. So I “hid” them. Then our mutual friends connected the dots, and they knew again. What a mess. If I can only post “nice” things then I’m not being honest.

So now I mostly post here, where strangers seem to follow me – if that. Sometimes I feel I’m just talking to myself.

Mid afternoon crash

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I am in an unusual position at the library. I get to see things happen over and over. From this I learn patterns.

One of the patterns is the 3:30 to 4:30 crash. In general, small children tend to lose their minds between 3:30 and 4:30. Usually these are children below the age of six.

They need to have either had a nap or had something good to eat around a 2, in order to prevent this. Otherwise they tend to fall apart. They start to become cranky and they wail. Nothing consoles them. “Irritable” is a mild word to describe what happens. By “good to eat” I mean something healthy and nourishing – not candy, and not caffeine. Real food, not a snack.

Parents don’t notice this because they don’t see it happen over and over again like I do. They just think they are mis-behaving, when they just being small children. They can’t help it. It isn’t their fault.

They don’t have the capacity of self-regulating. Nor are they able to know how to ask for what they want. They just know they don’t feel good. So they wail. Don’t punish them for it – plan for it.

How many of us suffer from the exact same crash and we don’t realize it?

Heavy words

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Some people just aren’t very good at carrying things. Consider if you were going to move. Do you ask someone who weighs 87 pounds and is very frail to help you move your big-screen television and your sofa? Of course not. If they trying to carry that they will get very hurt. Your sofa or your television might get dropped as well. You’ll be sad or angry and your friend will be embarrassed and hurt.

Likewise, if you have emotional things that need to be carried it’s important to find the right person. Some people simply cannot handle other people’s feelings. This often means that they can’t handle their own either. Say you tell someone about something that is very difficult for you. There is something really heavy going on in your life, and you need to share it. If the person listens intently and compassionately, then they are a good person to carry this. If they can listen in a way that helps you and doesn’t harm them, then you are both OK. But if they get angry that you told them, or secretly complain that you confided in them, or even worse, they start to tell you about something worse that happened to them, then you know they can’t carry your problems.

The goal of compassionate listening is to carry with, not carry for. The listener isn’t taking away the problem – they are just making it easier for the speaker to carry their own problems. The best kind of listener helps the other person feel better just for having been there. They don’t have to fix the problem, they just have to listen.

It is just like lending someone something. If you have a new friend and you lend them a book it is best to lend them only one to start off with. See how they act with it. Do they give it back within a week? Or do they forget about it for a year? When they return it do they return it in the same condition that you lent it to them? Or is it dog-eared and underlined and dirty? Is the dust jacket ripped off? If they can properly handle one item that was lent to them, then you might lend them more next time. But you probably won’t let them borrow 10 at a time until they have really proven themselves.

The same is true with feelings. Not everybody can handle them. Sometimes they are just too heavy, or the person isn’t strong enough.

Restaurant thoughts – too loud

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I’ve realized that I really don’t like eating out. I do like the idea of someone else making food for me, and someone else doing the dishes. But I don’t like that the food is often not very healthy, and the ambiance is often a little overwhelming. Restaurants can be very loud when there are other customers there.

Sometimes I think I want to rent a restaurant and invite just my friends. Or maybe I want to go to a restaurant that has a limit on the number of people that can be in it. And maybe even the kind of people. Loud, shrill voices are not great for the digestion. This is regardless of age.

I have actually asked to move tables when people have ordered tequila or margaritas. What is it about social drinking that makes people unsociable? They laugh too loud and too high pitched. They become boisterous and belligerent. I’ve also asked to be seated in a different area if there are families with small children. I don’t think it is charming to see a toddler running all over the area, yelling at the top of his lungs.

There are very few restaurants that will go up to the customers who are being loud and ask them to be quiet. They think that if they do, the customer won’t come back. They don’t get that the good customers, the other ones who are not being loud, will really be the ones who won’t come back if this keeps happening. Then the restaurant will be filled with only loud, obnoxious people.

Consider Superman

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He had a real job, working at the Daily Planet. Mild mannered, unassuming, he did his work reporting the news. It was a passive job, relating to others about all the terrible things that were happening in the community and the world.

Meanwhile, he was Superman all along. On his off time, he did what he really wanted to do. When not at work, he did the real work of making the world better. Instead of reporting about all the bad that was happening, he did good to make the bad not happen.

Why couldn’t he make that his real job? Why couldn’t he get paid to do that all the time, instead of having to do this on his own time?

And how much does this speak to us, we who feel powerless to effect change in the world? Those of us who feel like we have to wait until we retire to do what we really want?

Why do people who want to make a difference in the world have to start their own businesses? Is there not a market for good? Is the world only happy with hearing about the bad, rather than making a difference for good?

Does your dog bite?

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Remember this skit from “The Pink Panther”?
“Does your dog bite?”
“No.”
(reaches down to pet the dog, and it bites him)
“I thought you said your dog does not bite!”
“That is not my dog.”

I just read an article about putting a yellow ribbon on dog’s collars to indicate that they are skittish. The yellow ribbon indicates to people that the dog should be approached with caution. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the dog is aggressive. It can simply mean that the dog isn’t as friendly as could be.

Perhaps the dog is new to the owner. Or the dog has been abused. Maybe the dog is receiving medical treatment. No matter what the cause, it means that the dog should be approached very carefully and cautiously.

I suggest that instead of putting a ribbon on a dog to indicate that the dog should be approached carefully, it makes more sense to treat all dogs as if they are suspect. People need to learn how to approach all dogs that they do not know. Children especially need to be taught that if they do not know a dog they need to be careful around it. They need to learn how to behave in such a manner that will make the dog feel safe. It is better to train people than mark the dog.

So what are some good things to do when you encounter a new dog? This is by no account a definitive list of what to do, but it is a good start.

Stand still, and don’t make any sudden moves. Keep your arms to your sides.

Speak in a calm, quiet voice to the dog.

Do not make direct eye contact – look to the side of the dog.

Notice how the dog is behaving. Here are behaviors that indicate trouble: Hackles are raised. Dog is growling or baring teeth. The dog gets in a fighting stance – lower shoulders, feet wider. Ears are flattened. Tail is low.

If the dog still seems friendly, you can lower yourself to the dog’s level – but don’t get on your hands and knees. You want to appear lower to the dog so you aren’t threatening, but don’t put yourself in a position where you can’t escape if the dog starts to attack.

Let the dog approach you. If the dog chooses not to approach, respect that and move on.

If the dog approaches you, put out your hand, palm down, fingers curled in. This exposes only the back of your hand to the dog. Let the dog smell your hand.

If the dog accepts you at this point, then you may try to pet the dog –but move slowly at this point as well. Try to pet the dog in a way that he can still see your hand. Speak in a calm quiet voice to the dog and don’t make any sudden moves.

Remember, not all dogs need to be petted.
Especially do not pet or call to a dog that is assisting someone. Service animals are working, and it is important to not distract them while they are assisting their master.

OK

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Saying “It is going to be okay” ignores the fact that it is not currently okay. In fact it might suck a lot. Saying “It is going to be okay” ignores the present situation entirely. It glosses over the right now and tries to jump ahead to the good bit. It is the dessert at the end of the meal. Meanwhile you are chewing on this meal which is pretty hard to choke down.

It isn’t honest and it isn’t fair. What people really need is not to hear that it’s going to be okay. What they often need to hear is “I am so sorry that you are going through this” or “Tell me more about it.” or “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”

Now don’t confuse it with going into the “It could be worse” line. And don’t ever use the “It’s only…” or “At least it’s not…” openers. Certainly don’t start telling them how your situation is much worse. That doesn’t do any good, and in fact it makes things worse.

People just need to be heard and understood. You can’t rescue them from their pain. But you can certainly do a lot to not make it worse. Acknowledging the reality of their pain and letting them talk is a good start to helping them heal themselves.

Resolution. On gossip

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Making a real resolution to stop saying anything negative or stop gossiping is like making a resolution to stop drinking. It is turning from something bad to something good.

But the problem is that all my old “drinking” buddies are still drinking. All the people who still like to gossip and say negative things are still going to come up to me and try and drag me into it. I can tell them that I no longer want to be part of that life but it doesn’t matter. They haven’t made that decision that they don’t want to be part of that life.

So what they’re doing is what they’ve always done. They don’t realize that they are weakening my resolve. They don’t realize that when they try to get me to gossip that it is like trying to get me to drink. I tell them I’ve sworn off the stuff and they still don’t get it. They don’t know how to be my friend unless they are gossiping. So sometimes it means that they don’t talk to me at all.

I’m sad for them, that they don’t know how to talk in a healthy manner.

Gossip isn’t just speaking negatively about someone. It is repeating what someone said without them present. It is spreading information that didn’t need to be spread. If I have a private conversation with someone, I don’t want to hear about it from someone else. They weren’t in the room when the conversation happened. If they weren’t invited when the conversation happened, then they shouldn’t have it repeated to them.

Death ratio

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I’ve come to realize something about the seafood that I eat. If I buy scallops, it takes 10 to 15 scallops to make one serving. The same is true for shrimp.

Scallops and shrimp are living creatures. That means 10 to 15 individual creatures had to die in order for me to eat. The death ratio is higher.

If I buy fish, then each fish produces two fillets. Each fillet is two servings. Therefore for one death that is four servings. The death ratio is much lower.

Some of this is about making a smaller impact in the world. If I’m not going to go vegetarian, I should at least think about my karmic impact. If something has to die for me to live, it is better if it is less than more. If I can make four meals out of one death, that is better.

Seeing bird nests

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I was at a retreat recently, and a lady said she loved late fall because you could see the bird nests. All the leaves were gone, and these things which had always been there were suddenly revealed.

This was very valuable to me.

I’d never liked this time of year because it seemed so dreary. After the long lazy warmth of summer and the glorious display of colors of the leaves of fall, I’d always felt let down by late fall. The trees are bare skeletons, the air is cold, windy, and wet. The next thing was winter- even colder, even windier, even wetter. Nothing to see here. Move along.

But this was different. A treasure was revealed to me by her words. After the winds and storms had passed, we are granted insight and access to a truth previously hidden from us. It was there all along. That which I had hated had done me a favor.

Perhaps I simply require a change of perspective.

Perhaps that which I saw as destruction is showing me what really matters. Perhaps that which I am fighting against is actually doing me a favor.

Think of this. Soup isn’t really soup until heat has been added to it. You put the ingredients together, add heat, and wait. The stuff you don’t want rises to the surface, right in front of you. Then you can skim it off, and your soup is better because of it. The heat is the catalyst.

I’m starting to feel that difficulties and troubles are the heat that shows me what needs to be removed from my life. I’m starting to feel that adversity and struggle are the winds and storms that reveal what really matters too. Instead of fighting and lamenting, I’m looking with new eyes. What needs to stay? What must go? I look at whatever I am doing and see if it serves my goal. Does it bring me further to where I want to be, or hold me back?