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Mourning church

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So many of us are disillusioned with church. We want to love Jesus but we can’t stand what we are being told. The more we read of the Gospel the more we feel that church isn’t where we will see it lived out.

We’re angry. We feel duped. We feel deceived. We feel like we have wasted years of our lives in the service of an institution, a machine, rather than a living God.

We feel that we have been controlled and manipulated, not to shape us into stronger members of the Body of Christ, but to make us more docile and compliant.

We are grieving. We love Jesus, and we feel that the only route we have been offered to find Him has taken us far away from Him.

So we leave church. We’ve left with fear and trembling. We’ve left because we feel that to stay is to get even further away from what we know to be true.

There are many of us.

We are slowly finding each other, the misfits, the outcasts. Some of us left church of our own accord, some of us were asked to leave.

But we still need community.

Remember how Jesus says that if two or more are gathered in his name, he is there? He says nothing about doing it on your own. Jesus came to gather up all the lost sheep, the lost crumbs, the lost coins. He came to unite us. So it is important for us to join together.

There are virtual communities of us, who find each other on social websites under the banner of “Progressive Christian.” A lot of us are sad that there has to be a way of separating us from “those” people who say they are Christian but use it as a social club, or as a club to attack anyone who isn’t them. Can’t we all get along? That is what Jesus wanted – for us to join together. But we don’t feel we can be silent anymore in denominations that are anti- any of God’s children. We don’t feel we can be silent when our faith is more interested in stopping gay people from being married than stopping children from starving. Women’s reproductive rights are important, but environmental destruction is more important. We are being distracted as to what the important issues really are.

We feel that our faith has been hijacked. We feel that the wool is being pulled over our eyes. We feel that we are being sold a bill of goods that we know to be bad. We feel that we are expected to be quiet little sheep.

We need to take time to grieve. And then we need to move forward.

We are angry at how many people are being mislead. This is not just by the prosperity preachers. It is not just by the ministers who preach hate and intolerance. It is even by the liberal churches who welcome everybody. I feel that we have been lulled into a false sense of security, and we’ve given up our own power. We’ve forgotten how to follow Jesus when we follow others. When we put our faith and our trust in authority figures and in the establishment, rather than in Jesus we will always be mislead.

We’ve not been taught how to hear from God. We’ve not been taught to trust that still small voice. We’ve been put down and ignored. We are embarrassed to talk about God in church. We have been told that we are crazy.

We know we aren’t.

We are starting to think that we’ve been ignored and mistreated and abused and talked down to enough. We are realizing that the church hasn’t been a good parent to us. We are divorcing ourselves from this dysfunctional family, and going out on our own.

Forgetting, forgiveness

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I know a lady who refuses to go to a certain church because they are OK with gay people. And by OK I mean the denomination not only welcomes gay people but also has gay ministers.

She says that homosexuality isn’t Christian.

I asked her what Jesus said about homosexuality. She got a little defensive and paused. She then admitted that she wasn’t completely familiar with all of what Jesus said. When I told her that Jesus said nothing about being gay, but said a lot about loving other people and a lot about not judging, she got even more defensive.

I wasn’t winning over a convert here. She thinks I’m wrong, and I think she is wrong. She thinks I’m twisting the rules to say that something that she has been taught is wrong isn’t actually wrong. I think she is using religion as an excuse to be a bigot.

The ironic part is that she is living with the father of her child, but they aren’t married. Their daughter is three. So by the same bag of rules that she was handed by society, she too is a sinner.

But she isn’t. And neither are gay people. Or, we all are, and that debt is paid.

No matter how you do the math, it is OK.

On one side, Jesus gave us two rules – love God, and love our neighbor as ourselves. If whatever you are doing honors those things, then you are good. If it violates these things, then stop doing them.
But then here’s the other side. Jesus paid for all of our sins. All of them. For all time. Jesus totally got that it is really hard to be perfect. He got that it is very hard to be human. We make mistakes. We try. We fail again.

When Jesus said “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” he might as well have said to us “That’s OK – just try again to do it right the next time, but I know you won’t get it right, and that’s OK too.”

This doesn’t mean that we are off the hook. This doesn’t mean that we can do whatever we want and forget the consequences. We need to be mindful. But we need to also be patient with ourselves because we aren’t ever going to get it perfect.

Alexander Pope said “To err is human, to forgive divine.” This bears remembering.

Perhaps what people are afraid of about gay people being welcomed in church is that they think there won’t be room enough. They don’t want to share space with them. They think there won’t be room for them to be in church with all gay people there. Maybe they think that church is only for perfect people – ones who have it all figured out and are living a blameless life.

Maybe they forget that nobody’s perfect, and we are all forgiven.

Maybe they forget that we are all called to love, in the same way that Jesus loved us.

This, too, is forgiven, this forgetting.

Snakes, again. Trust the process.

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There is a part in the Gospels where Jesus says that if you are acting in accordance with the will of God, you cannot be harmed by snakes or poison. There are a tiny number of Appalachian churches that take this seriously and make handling snakes and drinking poison part of the worship service. Personally I find this missing the point.

It is taking the message far too literally, and in far too small a way. The message is for us to not be afraid of anything. If we are in alignment with God, nothing will harm us.

This doesn’t mean that we will never be hurt, never suffer, never be sick. Cancer kills Christians the same as atheists. Tornadoes flatten Christian homes the same as anybody else’s.

But remember the story of Daniel in the lion’s den? He refused to worship the king as his God. He didn’t obey the law of the land and was thrown in a pit with a hungry lion. He didn’t get eaten. He didn’t even get harmed. He was ok with the idea of being killed by the lion, however. Better to die obeying the heavenly king than to live following a mortal one.

Remember the story of Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego? They were thrown into a hot furnace because of their refusal to serve anyone but God. It gives me chills to read how the observers saw an angel in there with them.

Jesus is constantly telling us to not be afraid, constantly telling us that he will never forsake us. He tells us that he will be with us to the end of the age.

Are you afraid whether you are able to follow Jesus? He tells his disciples, then and now, to not worry about what to say, because the Holy Spirit will provide the words. He tells his disciples then and now to not worry about what we are going to eat or wear.

Remember the story about how they needed to pay the temple tax and Jesus tells Peter to go fish? What a crazy story. But it is to let us know that our needs will be provided for.

So if nothing can harm you if you are doing God’s will, how do you know if you are? How do you know if you are walking on the right path? You are. It may not seem like it sometimes, but if you are seeking God, you are on the right path.

Paul tells us that all things work together for good for those who follow God. This doesn’t mean that it is all wonderful. It means that everything is part of God’s plan. It may seem like you are being held back in some area – but in reality, God is keeping you from something worse.

Trust the process. The more we try to define that something is “good” or “bad”, the more trouble we make for ourselves. Try not to define it. Let it be. We humans have a hard time with perspective. We only see things right here and now, and how they affect us. God sees things in the eternal and the universal.

Isaiah tells us that whether we turn to the left or the right, God is with us. God is constantly with us, and for us. No matter where we go and what we do, nothing can separate us from the knowledge and love of God. Nothing.

Know that everything is going as it should, and that you are part of this plan.

Build a Temple

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Be Jesus, here.
Build a temple to God
not of stone
but of flesh.

You have within you
the light of God, your soul.
Celebrate this,
within yourself and within others.
For we all
every one
were born with this light.

To build a building
that can be torn down
that can be broken into
that has to be traveled to
that needs to be paid for
and repaired from the ravages
of moths and thieves
is to miss the point.

Let your actions be your incense,
pleasing unto God.

Let your anthems be your voice
telling others that they are loved.

If we are truly to follow Jesus,
to use him as our teacher, our guide,
then we have to remember

that he

built no buildings,
crafted no creeds,
and required no rituals.

The surest way to the heart of God
is service to God.
And the surest way to serve God
is to do it all the time.

You don’t have to work at a nonprofit
or become a nun or a monk.
Just serve.

Just be the hands and the feet of Jesus.

Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God

not just one hour of one day of the week
but always.

Love is meant to be given away.

Be Jesus to everyone you meet.

Be the healing.

Be the change.

Be the difference.

The love of Jesus isn’t something we receive and
store up
and keep

so much as something we share.

Love shared multiplies it
just like that bread and fish
love can feed thousands.

People are hungry for love.

Love all without question.
Love all without expectation.

You are blessed.
And you are broken.
And out of that blessing and that brokenness
comes beauty and bounty.

Be Jesus.

Blessed.
Broken.
Healed.
Whole.

Meditation on snake charming – the eye of the storm.

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There are several people who complain, gossip, whine, kvetch, etc. at work. This is every day, all day. All day long, if they are saying anything to anyone who is not a patron, they are complaining. It is very tedious, because I can’t escape it.

One was in the habit of gossiping, all the time. I’ve told her repeatedly to not do this because I don’t like listening to it. Gossip is displaced communication. When you don’t feel safe talking to person A about your issues with them, you talk to person B. Meanwhile, the problem still exists with person A and you, and now person B looks at person A differently. Also, you have just spread your negativity around. It is very hard to carry around someone else’s burdens, especially when they keep pushing them off on to you.

If this was any other environment, I could leave. I could walk away. But I’m stuck with these people for 40 hours a week, every week, for what feels like forever. I’ve told them that their negativity is bringing me down, and one of them agrees. She said she’d try to do better. It hasn’t happened yet.

One, years ago, when one of them asked if I minded her complaints about another coworker (simply a prelude to a complaint, not really asking permission), I said, “Yes, I do mind” and she got really huffy. You have to establish boundaries – what you will and will not accept. This is the same coworker who thought it was OK to come up behind me and hit me (lightly) on the head every day. When I stood up to her then, she was indignant, and my boss laughed at me. She has a lot of issues too.

This environment is a little messed up. But it isn’t a hard job, and it pays OK, and there is health insurance and a pension. And I’ve realized that it provides raw material for this blog, so I’m using this as a transformative experience.

Somewhere in the middle of a rant last night, I had an epiphany. I remember the story where Jesus says that if you are in alignment with God, if you are doing God’s will, then snakes and poison cannot harm you. I also remember in Pastoral Care class that you can’t fix another person’s problems. Your goal is to just let them vent. Let them talk it out.

I’m a little torn at times about this, because I feel that I’m enabling the problem. If they continue to vent to me, then they aren’t facing their problems head on. But, then, it took me years to get strong enough to look at them head on. But their rants and complaints are like poison to me. I’ve told them I can’t handle it, and yet it goes on. It is a bad habit for them, and I can’t escape.

So in my meditation last night, I thought, perhaps this is part of the plan. I need to be able to endure this. I need to learn how to stand in the middle of the storm. I need to learn how to be Daniel in the lion’s den. I need to be calm and with God in the middle of this, and not let their poison affect me. Their poison isn’t directed at me. I’m just a captive audience.

Maybe it is healing for them to vent. Maybe they’d be better off going to a counselor or a therapist. Maybe they already do, and it isn’t helping.

But I can use this as a pathway to healing for myself. I can learn to pray and meditate during their rants. I can learn to stand there and not really be there, because they don’t really care what I think about their complaints. They just want to complain. I can see every time they complain as a reminder to ask Jesus into the situation, to be there, with me and with them, in that moment, in that painful time.

Why do I call this snake charming? Because their rants, their complaints, their gossip is poison to me. It is like sitting down at a park bench to enjoy your lunch, only to find out that stick next to you is a snake. When they come up to me, I actually wince, because I expect another tirade.

But using this time as an opportunity to pray transforms that snake back into a stick. It is yet another reminder to seek God in all situations, and to try to see God in all people. I’m now going to try to look differently at these times. It won’t be easy. But I’ll do it, with God’s help.

“Do you trust me?”

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Sometimes, when I’m praying, Jesus says “Do you trust me?”

I say, I’d like to, but not really. I’ve committed myself twice. And now I’m talking to myself.

Or at least, that is how our society would label this. Lilly Tomlin said that if you are talking to God, you are praying. But if God is talking to you, you are crazy.

I’m afraid. I’m terrified of going too far and losing control. I’m afraid of going over the edge. I’m afraid of having to go into the hospital again. The last time was 12 years ago. Who wouldn’t want a nice break from work? But the bills don’t pay themselves. And mental hospitals aren’t that awesome. The last one I was in one of the workers tried to molest me. This is especially evil since I was on sleeping pills.

So when that little voice in my head says “do you trust me?” and I think it is Jesus, I don’t know. So not answering that question really is answering it. It is saying no. No I don’t really trust. Because I’ve been over the edge before, and I don’t like where I landed.

So why is it that all the churches I’ve been in (mainline Protestant, mostly Episcopal) don’t teach people how to hear from God, and how to know what is the voice of God and what is the voice inside your head? Isn’t that the point of church? The stories in the Bible are full of people who talked with God. They knew God was talking to them.

God asked them to do some crazy things. Take everything you have and pack it up and move to some place far away. Take your child and sacrifice him on an altar to Me as a test of your loyalty. Or, you are going to give birth to the Messiah.

You know, stuff like that. Crazy stuff.

Yet our entire faith is based on people listening to a voice in their heads telling them to do crazy stuff.

Our culture says that if you are saying that God is talking to you, you are crazy. Even my former priest (Episcopal) said that she thought I’d fail the psych exam for the deacon discernment process I was in.

Meanwhile, I’m properly oriented to day and time. I get to work on time, I get the bills paid. I have friends. What is “crazy” but simply not adapted well? I’m starting to think she is crazy for thinking that serving God is all about trying to raise money by getting more people in the church. I think that serving God is all about waking up the ones who are there to hear the voice of God.

Maybe that is what she is afraid of. Maybe she’s never heard from God. I find it interesting that I’m not the only person who feels this way.

I’d like to propose that it is crazy that when a minister finds out that a parishioner has a desire to help people and wants training and oversight, she then thinks that the person is called to ordination. Isn’t the desire to help people normal? Isn’t it part of what everybody in church is supposed to feel? And the training – that is to make the person better able to help. Isn’t that the point of church?

Or is the point of church to be a social club? My old church had a few social outreach ministries – Second Harvest and Room in the Inn. Both are very good things, the very things that church is supposed to do. I know that the first one met with a lot of resistance when it was proposed. Meanwhile, the normal activities, the stuff that takes up the majority of the time there, are book clubs (not all are religious), ice cream socials, outings to hockey and baseball games, and karaoke night with frozen margaritas.

I feel it is crazy for people who say they want to join together to serve God to be distracted with these kinds of activities. You can have fun and serve God at the same time. Instead of hanging out at a game, why not hang out at a widow’s house and help her with house repairs? Why not volunteer to teach an immigrant how to read and write?

And make sure that you don’t make a requirement of membership in the church for getting help from the church.

I asked for oversight because I’m bipolar. I want to make sure that what I’m hearing is the voice of God and not the voice of Betsy. But the more resistance I got from the priest, and the more I started looking around at the activities in the church, I didn’t feel like I was going to be lead anywhere there.

Now, I knew even from the beginning that I was going to not be a member of this church forever. I prayed beforehand, upon returning to church, as to if the Episcopal church was the right one for me, and God said that it was the closest there was to what I needed right now. So I knew it wasn’t forever. I knew it was going to end, I just didn’t know how or when.

When the priest attacked me for my blog post called “My Problem with Church”, that was it. April 17th, and I’ve never been back.

This is hard, and strange. I’ve identified as a church-going person for many years. I’ve been a confirmed Episcopalian since the late 1980s. Gone. There is a sense of freedom, and of fear. I’ve been asked by some members to come back to lead the way for others, to wake them up. How can I, when I’m silenced by the priest?

And more importantly, I don’t want to lead, or teach. I want to be fed. I want to learn.

So yes, really, I do trust Jesus. I trust that I’m being led in the right direction. I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but I’m in good company for that feeling. I know that if I was going to stay in that church I’d be even further from God’s path.

Stained glass windows, part two

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I’m totally opposed to stained glass windows in church. I object to the idea and to the cost.

Having stained glass windows keeps the church members focused inward, not outward. Their view is of pretty pictures, not of the world they are called to. We are called to love and serve the Lord by loving our neighbors. How can we think of loving and serving them if we can’t even see them?

The windows are expensive. Maybe the church as a whole raised the money to put the window in. Maybe a parishioner donated the money in honor of someone who died. It doesn’t really matter how the money was raised – 8 t0 20 thousand dollars was just spent on a window – when there are needy people who need help. Jesus told us to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and house the homeless. He told us not to build up treasures for ourselves on this earth. Do you see the contradiction here?

The windows are most beautiful to those people who are inside the building. The people who are inside already get the message. It is the people outside who need it. And what is that message? That God loves us, and needs us, and wants us. God made us, every one of us, and we are loved beyond measure. It is the duty of people in the church to share that message to every person. These stories of love and healing and redemption are stories that everybody needs to hear.

I propose that each one of us needs to become a stained glass window. We need to let God into our lives and our hearts and let the light of God shine through us. We need to be the way that people see God. We need to carry the stories of love and healing and redemption with us by living them out. We need to bring them to life. They need to not be stories so much as reminders. They need to be touchstones to let us know we are on the right path. They aren’t stories that happened back then – the stories are happening right now. There are still people like Abraham and David and Moses and Jonah. There are still people like Sarah and Leah and Miriam and Mary.

God still calls us.

I propose that the purpose of church is to wake people up to this idea, and to teach people how to be servants of God. I propose that a church that is all about the building rather than the people has got it backwards.

Flux (the only constant is change)

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I wake up hot at 2:30 or 3 these days. Hot in body and mind. I’ve done this before. The first time was three years ago. I was afraid I was having heart problems. Turns out a racing heart and mind is part of perimenopause.

But this is also really cool. I get ideas at this time. I get ideas on things to write about. Ideas come together, ideas that I’ve been chewing on for years and never seen the connection. I had an English teacher in college who would inspire the same kind of connections. This is that, but without the tuition fee and way too early in the day.

I’ve noticed that “Oh Mani Padme Hum” is the same as “Namaste”. It is a greeting or acknowledging of energy. It is noticing potentiality. It is acknowledging that now isn’t always. What you see isn’t what you get.

I had a vision of a small girl in my dream tonight. She came up to me, with raven black hair falling past her shoulders. She smiled an open smile and held out her left hand to me. In her hand was a glass vial, maybe an inch long. I looked and I saw two brown coils, like tiny brown worms, like strands of chromosomes, flex and twine in their pulses. I understood this. All is in flux, all is movement. The only constant is change.

I remember that it is essential to not define something as “good” or “bad” – it just is. We see it as one or the other based on our human perspective, but we don’t have the whole picture. We can’t. Ever.

God is the Alpha and Omega and we cannot fully comprehend that. We want absolutes, yes/no, yin/yang. Yes, God is the beginning and the end, so God is bigger than we can comprehend. We are just a blip, a speck.

But it also means that God is dual natured – God is also unified.

Out divided selves cannot comprehend this. We don’t have words for it and we can’t experience this.

It is satori.

It is stopping time. It is Zen. It is the right now and being OK with things as is, with no definition. No definition means no words, but it also means no boundaries – it all gets a little fuzzy around the edges, because there aren’t any edges any more.

Sometimes things are clearer if you take off your glasses.

There is a bird’s nest at the top of the hill in my back yard. I noticed the nest the last time I was trimming the shrubs up there. I looked at the nest and the eggs over the course of a week and they looked abandoned.

I was sad about the eggs in the trees when I realized they weren’t changing. I wanted them to change, to become birds. I feared that my cutting the brush in that area had caused the parents to abandon the nest. I felt that it was bad energy, especially for that area.

That area is special. It has a small patio area that my husband put in. It is a place to sit, just big enough for two. It isn’t quite big enough to do yoga. Yet.

These are the star stones. This is in honor of Madeline L’Engle’s “Wrinkle in Time” series. This is where I sit to talk to God when I am at home, outside, just like her characters did.

Dead birds, unborn birds would be bad, right?

But the “bad” of Judas betraying Jesus was preordained. It was what had to happen. It the same as Rumi’s “The Guest House”, it is the same as the Chinese story of the man, the boy, and the horse.

It just is.

And it is all energy, “good” and “bad”.

How human of us to see things only from our perspective, from how it benefits us.

I recently found a pale blue egg away from its nest, dented, alone. It would become welcome food for ants and other unknown creatures. And it caused me to stop and think, and grieve a little.

Decay leads to new life. It can’t all be all go go go.

Yoga has rests built into it. The music is the space between the notes.

We can even learn from the exhale. We can’t always breathe in.

The only constant is change.

On giving thanks for food

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You don’t pray before eating to bless the food. You pray to give thanks. You pray to keep yourself in check. You pray to remain mindful.

How many people were involved in getting that food to you? The farmer who owns the land. The worker who harvested it. The trucker who transported it to the store. The stocker and the clerk at the store. Or perhaps you go to the farmers market? There are many people involved no matter where you buy your food.

That food doesn’t just happen. It didn’t magically appear in front of you.

If you eat in a restaurant, there’s the manager, the chef, and the server.

Many many people are responsible for this food that you are enjoying. Be mindful of them. Give thanks for them. Send them a blessing.

Then there are others. The bees who pollinated the flowers that grew into the fruit you eat. The worms and ants who loosen the soil so the roots can get water. The sun. The rain. Even if you grow your own food, you aren’t the only one involved.

We are just a tiny part of this, and it is through collective effort that we are able to enjoy the life that we have.

It is good to stop and be mindful of this. It is good to not take anything for granted. It is good to be in a constant state of thankfulness.

Dear God,
Bless this food that it may heal me, and through me, I may heal the world. Amen.

Salon (discovering the elephant)

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I’m in the process of creating a “salon” at my house. There will be tea and philosophy. There will probably be wine and cookies too. I’m talking about it here because I think you might want to do the same at your house.

My goal is to “discover the elephant.” Remember the story about the five blind men and the elephant? There are many different versions of it in many faith traditions, and they differ as to what each man thought he was experiencing, but they have the same root meaning. One was touching the leg and thought it was a tree, for instance. Another was touching the tail and thought it was part of a hookah. Each man thought that they had the entire thing before them, and that what they were experiencing was the truth. It was only when they started sharing what they were experiencing did they realize that they were dealing with something far bigger.

So how do you do this? How do you get people together to discover the elephant? Here are some ideas.

There should be no TV or electronic devices. We spend so much of our time these days looking into a screen and not into each other’s eyes. This is intended to be a place where people can be with each other and share their souls. It is a sanctuary for the soul.

I prefer the idea of having everybody sit on low cushions or stools that are on an assortment of carpets, but not everybody may like that. Have different seating options available. People need to feel physically comfortable first.

Encourage each person to bring something from their faith tradition to share, or have a selection of sacred texts available. The goal here is not to convert anyone, but to foster understanding not only within faith traditions, but also towards a bigger understanding.

Each person should be encouraged to talk, but nobody must talk. Everyone must listen fully and respectfully. There will be many different personalities present, and some are more willing to share than others. Be accommodating to different communication styles.

Physically, the space should foster a sense of privacy. This can be done out on a porch if there is no view of neighbors immediately present. The size of the room needs to be considered for the number of people. I’ve got a 12×12 porch, and I think it can hold maybe 6 people. Any more than that and it will feel crowded. Also, you wouldn’t want to put a few people in a huge room with high ceilings. It can be inside or outside.

I encourage the use of candles and focus objects. We humans need a place to send our eyes to and things to play with when things get too intense.

Engage the senses. Have a bell to ring, for instance. Consider using incense – but also be mindful of people with allergies and asthma. Use colorful furnishings.

You want the space to be welcoming but not too intense. All white is too much, but too many colors is too much as well. Seek balance.

Texture is important. If you are going to sit on the floor, how does the carpet feel?

The more physically comfortable you can make the space, the better the conversation will go.

Souls are shy. It may take a while for people to open up. It is a process. Celebrate whatever happens.

Thank each person for coming and sharing themselves.