Firefly

I’m always surprised by fireflies. Every year, they appear slowly, quietly. I think there is a glint of light on my windscreen, or I see a flash of light out of the corner of my eye when I get out of my car in the evening. It takes me about a week to realize that it is time, that the fireflies are here.
A month, and then another go by. They keep appearing. They keep lighting up the dusk sky with their lazy mating dance.
And then they aren’t there. One day finally comes when I realize that I’ve not seen a firefly in weeks. I’d not noticed them leave. Just as quietly as they came, they are gone.
Sometimes people are like fireflies. They are there, and then suddenly they aren’t. Their light illuminates my life for a brief time. I think they’ll always be around. And then they aren’t.

Steve Heydel, who I knew as Edmund Cavendish, is one such person.

 


This isn’t a close friend, one I’ve known well. I didn’t even know he was sick. He was in my medieval reenactment household. We camped together. We spent weekends in the woods, wearing medieval clothing. His always looked better than mine because he bought it.
He was a realtor, and sold me my house. More than most realtors, he helped me move by lending the use of his trailer that he used for events.  He was also an actor.  Later in life he started working for Rodale, a skin cream company.
He died October 18th, at 67, and it is hard to believe.

From IMDB – Steve Heydel is an actor, known for Ashes 2 Ashes (2014), Left Behind or Led Astray?: Examining the Origins of the Secret Pre-Tribulation Rapture (2015) and Held Up at Work(2011). He has been married to Vikki King since April 28, 1995. Height, 5’11”.

The funeral was at 10 a.m. on Thurs Oct 20,2016  at the First United Methodist, Lebanon TN, at at 415 W. Main St. in Lebanon.

From his obituary  –

Mr. Heydel passed away peacefully Oct. 18, 2016 at the age of 67, surrounded by loved ones in Nashville. Steve is survived by his loving wife of 21 years, Vikki King-Heydel, of Lebanon.

He is preceded in death by his mother, June Love Heydel, of Lebanon.

Steve is also lovingly remembered by his father, William David Heydel; brother, Richard David (Sally) Heydel; daughters, Wendy Heydel (Shane) Lynn, Chrissa Heydel (Jim) Gatton; stepson, Aaron Hester; grandsons, Mason Lynn, Connor Lynn, Ethan Lynn, Jacob Gatton, Caleb Gatton; and granddaughters, Bailey Hester, Shyann Hester; and numerous loved ones and dear friends.

Steve was born Nov. 26, 1948 in Rockwood. He graduated from Lebanon High School in 1966 and went on to earn a bachelor of arts in economics from Cumberland University and the University of Tennessee in 1970. He also attended the University of Tennessee Law School in 1971.

Steve’s passion was acting in local Lebanon community theaters and did several commercial and short film acting roles in the Middle Tennessee area. He also had an avid interest in British and European history, and was a member of the Society of Creative Anacronisms, affectionately known amongst his SCA friends as Edmund Cavendish.

In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made to First United Methodist Church or the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.


Here are other pictures of him.

 

…and more recent ones, showing his illness.  He’d had a bone marrow transplant in May, and it had started to fail in October. These are from his Facebook page.

 

 

According to his Facebook page, he liked to read John Sanford and listen to Led Zeppelin, Jefferson Airplane, the Kingston Trio, Connie Laine, Tick Bryan.  For films, Hav Faith, Star Wars, Anne of the Thousand Days, Arn, Wyatt Earp, Ashes to Ashes, the Terminator, Indiana Jones.

I didn’t know know all this about him.   I suspect there is a lot that I’ll never know. I know that he loved to watch local football, and had a room in his house that was perfect for it.  His home was unique – there was a great hall that looked like a hall in a medieval castle.  He had a booth in his kitchen so he and his wife could sit as if they were eating out.

 

 

Ginnel

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I’ve always been fascinated by these tiny alleyways, but not known that they had a special name. In Britain, where they are common, they are called ginnels. They are pathways between rowhouses. According to Wikipedia it is “A narrow passageway or alley often between terraced houses.”  They are known as this especially in Yorkshire and Lancashire. A terraced house is defined as one that shares both side walls with other houses, which is “typical of Victorian and Edwardian housing in English cities”. 

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To me, they look secret and mysterious. I’m not sure why I have such a fascination with empty spaces and absences. This is negative space, not positive.  It isn’t a destination, but a way to get to it.  But to me, it is intriguing as it is.

My Mom told me about playing in the one that was part of her building complex while she was growing up.  This was primarily when it rained.

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They look forbidding and inviting all at the same time.  Do they lead to courtyards like this?

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From an image search, I found several that aren’t enclosed on the top.  I don’t know if those are still considered ginnels, or if they are just alleys.  To me, they need to be enclosed to fit my idea of them, but then again I just learned this word.

(All photos are copyright of their respective owners and are used for educational purposes.)

Poem – Lost mothers, daughters

 

We all

are daughters

searching for our mothers.

We all

are mothers

searching for our daughters.

We all

are lost,

and have lost.

 

Sometimes our arms

have to wrap around the shoulders

of someone else, someone

we are not related to

to comfort ourselves

and to comfort them.

 

Sometimes we have to be

for each other

what we don’t have

for ourselves.

Possessed by drugs

If you get caught with drugs, you are charged with possession. But I believe it would be more accurate to say that you should be diagnosed with possession. You are possessed.

You don’t do drugs. Drugs do you. They act upon you quietly and insidiously. They end up taking over your life. They don’t enhance it – they take away from it.

Perhaps if we saw drug use as possession we would be able to actually treat it for a change. We would no longer see it as a lack of willpower but as a dangerous force that takes up residence inside you and makes you do things that you wouldn’t normally do.

It is important to understand that this doesn’t start off as a passive action. You, sober, make the first move. You, sober, are the one who first starts using drugs. They don’t have a hold of you at that point. So you have control at the beginning.

This is the same as with possession.  You have to allow that demon into your soul for it to harm you.  Once you do, you are in big trouble.  Just like with drugs, you’re in over your head very fast.

Begin again

When we are raised with abusive or neglectful parents, we learn maladaptive coping mechanisms. When we grow up, we often unconsciously continue those habits, reflexively acting, mindlessly being. With the new life that is offered to us through Jesus, we can begin again, with a new Parent in God, who loves us unconditionally and without measure. We can learn how to act in new healthy ways, rather than being stuck in our old mindless habits. Jesus calls us to a new life of being awake and fully alive and present in every moment. This is the promise of new life in Jesus – a slate wiped clean, a chance to start again. No longer are we slaves to our past. No longer are we consigned to repeat our actions, over and over, flinching from blows that no longer come.

Prayer to the heart of Mary

Sacred Heart of Mary, holy heart of Mary, listen to my plea.
I ask for your love and your guidance and your strength in this time of loss and brokenness.
I ask for your help, your assistance, and your strength in this time of confusion.

You were called to serve God by harboring and nurturing an innocent child. For so much of your life you took care of him, and it was through your example that he was able to heal the world.

Help me guide others in the way that you guided Jesus.
Help me to see and nurture the light of God that is within them.

I am unable to do this for myself. I ask for your divine guidance and love. Please help me to see the many examples of mercy and glory that appear in tiny ways before me. They remind me of God’s eternal presence.

Help me to nourish, support, and nurture others in the same way that St. Monica prayed for her son St. Augustine.

I pray to be able to help others reach their full potential, to grow into God’s light, to be able to take care of themselves and take care of others, to know the glory that is being connected to God.

To do this, help me to reconnect and recommit to the Sacred Heart of your son, Jesus, the heart that is exposed for all the world to see. It is a reminder to trust in being vulnerable. It is a reminder to not be afraid of being open.

Friday adventure

I have Fridays off. Don’t get too jealous – I have to work every Saturday.

After years of being off on Fridays, I’ve finally learned how to do extra during the week so that my Friday is actually a day when I can do what I want to do, rather than a day to do chores.  A day off isn’t a day off if it involves getting gas, picking up the mail, getting groceries, going to the pharmacy, paying bills…

So now I go on adventures.  Usually the day starts with waking up whenever I wake up.  This often means around 10.  I have to be up around 7 every day, and that is not normal for me.  I make up for it by sleeping in when I can.  But I don’t want to sleep in too much – then I’ve slept away my life.

My theme for the day was to only go to places I had a coupon or a gift certificate.  I wanted to spend as little money as possible.  I’ve had some of these saved up for over a year -and some I just got the day before.

This was outside of my car when I got out to go to lunch. I took it as a sign that this was going to be a fruitful adventure.

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While eating lunch, I read some of the material from The Wander Society and learned a new word – Zouave. I looked it up and here’s a picture of one.  He’s charming!  And it is in sepia.  I’m not sure what it is about sepia that I love so much these days.

adventure2

Here’s the definition from the Dictionary website –   “(formerly) a member of a body of French infantry composed of Algerian recruits noted for their dash, hardiness, and colourful uniforms. 2. a member of any body of soldiers wearing a similar uniform or otherwise modelled on the French Zouaves, esp a volunteer in such a unit of the Union Army in the American Civil War.”

I like writing down new words (well, new to me) in my journal and then writing the definition beside it.  It is like collecting ephemera.  I may or may not use the words later in my writing, much like with how I use ephemera in my collages.  I don’t think I’ll have a call to use this word, but that picture may spark a story.

I had a $12 lunch at Panera and paid only $2.  I used a gift card that I’d gotten for Christmas from a lady in my book club.  The meal was tasty and healthy, although not very filling.

I went to Target in the next town over and perused the dollar bins near the front of the store. It actually took over an hour to find something I wanted and needed that was close to my budget for this trip.  The ticket was $9 and I spent $4 because of the free gift card my husband gave me.   I got some Halloween yarn to use in making a quipu, some gauze that was for Halloween decorating that I’m putting in a collage-painting (See the post “October art), and some pumpkin pie energy bars from Larabar.  I was a little hungry at that point but didn’t want to be forced to eat fast food (translation, processed and greasy and mostly meat, as well as taking a while to get to and to get).  Plus, the Larabars were on sale, and there was one more in the package than the Kind bars that cost more.

I spent the most at Yankee Candle, but saved the most too.  The total was $61 and I paid $45.  I got Napa Valley Sunshine (an old favorite that they are discontinuing.  It smells like the convent I like to visit on silent retreat) and Maple Pancake  – for my husband.  I also got a car scent of Autumn in the Park.  I had a $20 off coupon that came with the catalog I just got, and a $5 voucher for buying so much stuff in the past.  I like to supplement the atmosphere of my house with smells.  It helps my mood and helps me concentrate. My first book was finished using candle-scents to focus me.  They had a deal where I could have gotten a $25 jar for $12 but I didn’t want to spend over fifty dollars here.  I was a little bummed that the clerk took the $5 off after the tax was added.

The best deal was the last – it was a trip to Duncan Donuts (why not spell it Doughnut?)  where I got a salty-caramel hot chocolate for free.  A friend had given me a $5 gift card for them (paired with Baskin Robbins) for Easter – last year.  I’d used part of it and kept it.  I saved it and drank it cold at work the next morning.

I kept all the gift cards I used and will make them in to scrapers/markers for painting.

I keep a running total of gift cards that I have not yet used in my phone so I won’t forget to use them.  They are like cash.  I used to do the same with Groupon-type things too but I stopped buying them.  The expiration dates came us too soon and there were too many exclusions and limitations.  Too stressful.

All told, I got $84 worth of stuff for $51 = so I saved $33.

————–

The weird/interesting/sad part is that I had to leave the house at all.  I really like having time to myself, and right now my husband is unemployed.  So he’s home all the time.  I need a day to reset, to do what I want without anybody watching what I’m doing and asking me questions.  I self-censor enough as it is, so I don’t need help with that.

October art

October is about stripping away, of seeing beauty in decay, of letting go. It is about seeing things in new ways, when the trees lose their leaves and reveal their bones.

For this, I’m using a lot of leftovers and pieces I’ve accumulated. Nothing is expensive. It reminds me of how I got my start buying beads at the nearby thrift store and broke them up to make my first necklaces. I could buy a necklace for a quarter, redesign it with a few new beads, and sell it for $15. People don’t appreciate the time or creativity involved in making art, so it is better to not pay too much for materials.

The canvas was bought at Goodwill – already painted. This is a great way to buy a canvas – instead of $40 to $50 for a 24 x 30 inch canvas, this was $15. You can always paint over it. This too is part of the process of letting go – of not feeling I have to keep everything like it is. Change is essential for growth, and letting go is part of that.

This is what was on it.

1

I found gauze at Target for $1. I actually got it free because my husband had gotten a $5 gift card because he gets his prescriptions filled there. I’ve heard about using gauze as texture – time to try.

2

I painted the canvas with a thin coat of gesso, and affixed the gauze with it.

I’m not very good at putting on gesso yet. But maybe I should use a regular bristle brush and not a foam brush. Most of my bristle brushes are small – not suited for gesso. This is a new experience for me. Here I’m playing with texture.

8

I didn’t entirely cover up the image that was already there. I think it is nice to show what came first, the origin of the piece. You can never fully erase your past – it is always with you, even if you don’t see it.

7

This was paper I got from Yankee Candle – they’d wrapped up my large jar candles in it. I spritzed it with Tim Holtz “Distress Ink” spray stain and a few spritzes of water. I made this last week, not sure what I was going to do with it. I tore it into pieces, saving the parts I liked best. The remaining pieces I’ve already sprayed with more color and will use later (maybe in this project).

10

 

It is darker on the canvas because it is still wet with matte medium (coated front and back). Perhaps I’d have been better not painting the front with matte medium, since I might put acrylic paint over some of it. We’ll see. This is an exercise, a practice. Mistakes are valuable opportunities for learning.

Detail – some of it tore while I put it on the canvas.   I’ve added a little gesso too.

13

I like this dead moth. I found it in a windowsill at work. I picked it up and saved it with a label protector.  Things die in October.  They have to.  This moth is a reminder that time is precious, yet also not to take it so seriously I forget to live life.

15a

Here is the assortment of papers I intend to use – leftover bits from tissue paper and bags from items I’ve bought, and bits from other projects. I like the saying on the bag I got from the Hallmark store in Boone, NC when I got some rainbow pencils. It is a little large, so I might just write this on the canvas when I’m done. Right now it is nearby as inspiration.

14

These are the Asian-language instruction pages from a tiny Moleskine journal I found at a used book store in Knoxville. I tore them using a  metal ruler as a straightedge.

9

This is a subset – a collage within the collage. I plan to put it in towards the end, but assembled it first.  Some of the pages with words are from Robert’s Rules of Order – I got it for free.  I’m not sure how I made the back.  I definitely used Distress Spray Stain, but it reacted with the paper in an odd way.  I’m pretty sure I couldn’t replicate it.

15b
I added the moth I found to it.

15c
Then I underlined some of the words in gold gel pen.

15d

I might use some of this. This is tissue paper that I had under other things that I was spraying. The empty spaces are where they were.

16

This is at the end of day one.

17

(Day two)
Here, I’ve painted some of the corners and edges with acrylic paint, daubed on with my fingers. It is a blend of White with water, Phthalo green blue, Olive green. I’ve used these colors on my bathroom door. They remind me of the color of rust and I’m told it is the color of Parisian municipal things – benches, street lamps, grates. It is the color of rain and mist.

18

 

detail –

19

I’m sorry some of the pictures are so dark, thus the colors aren’t true. I was working in my craft room which is on the North side of the house, and it was about an hour before sunset on day one, and an hour after sunrise on day two. I could see fine, but the camera thought otherwise. Maybe one day I’ll have an assistant and a professional studio, but for now, this is what you get. That too is part of the art – of using what you have without fear.

When I work more on this, I’ll add it all here rather than make separate posts.

Tiny picnic park

There’s this unusually landscaped area in an open-air mall in Mt. Juliet, TN.   This is near the movie theater and Fulin’s restaurant.   What is unusual is that it looks like a tiny park.

The sidewalk goes from the fenced-in courtyard of a now-defunct restaurant.

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This place is begging for a picnic…

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Notice the stepping stones.  They were added in after this area was built.  People kept walking across the grass to get to the other side.  People walk along the path of least resistance.  These paths are known as “desire lines” or “desire paths”.  (Definition from Wikipedia – A path that pedestrians take informally, rather than taking a sidewalk or set route ; e.g. a well-worn ribbon of dirt that one sees cutting across a patch of grass, or paths in the snow.)

adven4              adven5

Some colleges and apartment complexes are now realizing the futility of putting in sidewalks first.  They wait to see how people use the area, and then pave the desire lines, rather than paving un-used areas first.

A small park bench would look nice here – one like this

bench3

or maybe this –

Lackford Lakes June 2010

but never this –

bench

There will be a picnic here one day, and I’ll add that here.

A space between

1

2

This is normally off limits, but was open because some guys were working on the air conditioning unit of the church near where I work. The unit is behind the wall, and there is a chain-link gate that seals up this small passageway. It is very narrow, so the worker has to be slim. I wonder if anyone thought that the entire unit might need to be replaced some day? They’d have to either take down (and then rebuild) the brick wall or use a crane.

I appreciated getting a chance to see this view without the fence in the way.  I considered going on a wander to see the area inside, but figured I couldn’t justify it.