Master and servant

Posted on August 14, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

Who is the servant? The technology, or the person who owns it?

I was in the middle of painting this morning and the phone rang. I have only one special ring and it is for my husband. This was not that ring. So it was someone else. I considered stopping what I was doing but that would mean not having enough time to finish my painting. It might also mean that my phone got covered in paint.

I don’t have the kind of life where people have to get hold of me every second of the day. It is important to me that I have my life like that. If people are having an emergency they can call 911, not me. I am not a manager and I am not a parent. I am not a caregiver to anyone. I am not anyone’s AA sponsor. I believe each person should take care of themselves and not have emergencies that I have to take care of.

So when the phone rang my instinct was to jump up and get it, just because society tells us we should do that. But thankfully I ignored it. Training can be broken.

How many of us think that we have to jump the moment the phone rings? If we are driving we feel like we have to answer it. Or we feel like we have to answer that text. The phone rules us, not the other way around.

There was a lady who is changing at the Y and her phone kept going off with texts. She looks very frustrated. Every time she would reply, her friend would reply, and then she would have to reply again. I said “Just put it down.” But she said “No, if I don’t answer immediately they begin to worry.” I said “Tell them you are changing at the Y and it can wait.”

This has happened many times. There is a no-cellphone policy in the changing room at the Y, but nobody obeys it. Even if they don’t get that people don’t like the idea of possibly having their picture made while changing, they still don’t get that they don’t have to use their phone all the time. It can stay turned off. We don’t have to be connected all the time.

It’s like I have to do an intervention with people. Perhaps we are addicted to our technology. While our cellphones makes life easier, in a way, they have made life more difficult.

While they have
in theory
made us
more connected
to each other,
they have made
our lives
more disconnected
and
we are
more disconnected
from ourselves.

Is this what we want? Who is in charge, the technology or us? We have to decide it is okay to turn your phone off. You don’t have to have it on while you’re driving. You don’t have to discuss all of your life’s business while you are walking through Walmart. Nobody wants to know it anyway. How did you survive before you had a phone surgically attached to yourself? You did just fine. People say “Oh I have to take care of my bills while I’m driving.” No, you don’t. How did you take care of them before you had a cell phone and before you could pay them online? You wrote a check and you mailed it in and it got done. Things don’t have to be done any faster these days, we have just been trained that they do.

If the technology isn’t serving you, then you are the servant.

Conversations that aren’t mutual aren’t OK.

Posted on August 13, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I was going out into the stacks to get the paging slips the other day. I passed by a patron who likes to talk at me. It isn’t really with me, because it isn’t really a two-way conversation. He has some interesting things to say, but I have a job to do. I’m not going to get it done by talking (or listening) to everybody who comes in.

When I’m at the front desk I’m kind of trapped. When I’m in the stacks I can walk away, and I do. I’ll listen for a bit, and then I have to go.

This patron said “How come you weren’t there to greet me when I came in this morning?” He’s old, but he’s not an old regular. He’s been coming in for about half a year. We talk sometimes, but he’s not my friend.

This happens a lot.

He’s said things like this before, and I think he thinks he is being funny, but there is some entitlement going on here. He thinks he is special, and that he deserves special treatment. Note that he didn’t say “I’m sorry I missed you when I came in this morning.” The emphasis is on him getting greeted by me, not on us seeing each other. It isn’t an equal relationship. He is higher, in his mind.

I said I was at the chiropractor and then the dentist. I didn’t have to tell him any of that, but I don’t mind. It isn’t private. It wasn’t like I was at the gynecologist.

So he says that chiropractors just treat the symptoms. I say “Not this one”. I used to think chiropractors were quacks, but this one has changed my mind. These realignments are healing me.

Mental problems can cause physical problems. Most people say that you can fix the physical problem by addressing the mental (emotional) problem that caused it. I’m starting to think it works both ways – that the mental (emotional) problem can be addressed by fixing the physical problem. I’m working on the mental (emotional) problem too. I’m thinking of it like I’m digging a tunnel through a mountain, but I’m working at it from both ends. I’ll get it completed in half the time this way.

But I didn’t want to get into any of this. I didn’t have time or the desire to have a deep conversation with this guy. He never changes his mind anyway. He’s one of those people who thinks he’s right, because he’s older.

So I walked away after he disagreed with me, while pushing my cart. I obviously have something I’m doing. He crooks his finger at me, and waves me back. I came back a step closer, but that was it. He continued with “Chiropractors just fix the symptoms” and I repeated “Not this one” and I realized that this was going nowhere.

I turned and walked away.

He might be mad, but he has to understand that I’m not there to be his audience or his student. I have not entered into a contract with him that says I’ll hang on his every word. Plus, I don’t like unequal relationships. If the opinions and feelings of both people are not equal, leave me out of it.

I didn’t ask for that conversation. So I felt no need to continue it. Years ago, I would have stayed, out of a sense of politeness or duty. I would have stayed, and felt trapped. I would have hated it too.

Glasses

Posted on August 13, 2014 by betsybeadhead | 2 Comments

I needed glasses at an early age, but I didn’t know it. Nobody knew it. I’d learned to adapt to my handicap. Imagine how much fuller my life would have been if people could have seen the signs and known to get me help.

In the meantime, I sat at the front of the class so I could see the board, and I learned to recognize people by how they walked, rather than how their face looked.

I wonder how many other things I’m missing out on. I wonder what else I am faking at and I don’t even know it. I wonder how many of us are like that, adapting, creating work-arounds, when there is a simple way through it. We think that our disability is normal, because we don’t know it is a disability, or we think that we just have to suffer with it because nobody has told us any differently. We either think we are normal and we aren’t, or we think we are unusual, and we aren’t.

I’m one of those people that needs someone to point out the obvious sometimes. Sometimes, something is so simple I don’t think of it. My head is in the clouds. I can see big things, but little things escape me.

Wonder if there are glasses for that? Perhaps I’m farsighted in life, where I’m nearsighted otherwise.

If glasses won’t help, then people can give you a cane, or make signs bigger, or you can use a guide dog.

But imagine, if you were born blind, and you didn’t know that there was such a thing as “sight”.

Imagine how the world was for Helen Keller when her teacher was finally able to unlock her mind, to let her know about words. She started to become a human being that day.

I’m constantly looking for ways that I’m blind, that I’m missing out. I share them here, with the hope that others will get something from it. Perhaps they will say “Ah! So that is what it is that I’m missing!” and their eyes will open too.

Old? Never.

Posted on August 13, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

When did my skin get so wrinkly?
When did my doctors get younger than me?
How did this happen?

When did all these young people around me become bit players in my life? When did I start looking at old people for signs of what to expect?

They are “computer illiterate” or using walkers or confused all the time.

I don’t want to become them. I don’t want to be helpless or hopeless or lost. I don’t want to be taken advantage of.

I’ve read that you are only as old as you feel, and that age is a social construct. I feel it knocking on my door.

I don’t want to answer.

I think it is time to pull out my crayons and my fingerpaints. I think I’m going to defeat age by becoming a child again.

It is part of why I tutor kindergartners. I’m learning tips.

Preventive maintenance for the mind.

Posted on August 12, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I envision a mental-health center, but like the Y. Not a hospital – not a place where you go when you are sick – but a place where you go to get strong. I want it to be a cultural norm that people go “work out” at a place that strengthens their spirit.

There are too many young boys who are killing people. There are too many people killing themselves, either fast or slow. There are too many people suffering in silence, “faking it” and not “making it”.

We need to take away the stigma of mental health. It is for everybody. It isn’t shameful to get help. It is bad to need help and not get it.

We all need help.

If we make it so it is a cultural norm that people seek to prevent problems, then we will save a lot of lives. And when I say “save lives” I don’t just mean from suicide and murder. I mean people will have lives worth living. There is a difference between “living” and “being alive”.

Here are some of my rough sketches.

A place where you can learn at your own pace or follow an assigned course.

Where you pay based on your ability to pay, or it is free.

People will learn that mind, body, and spirit are all connected. So, in a way, it is an extension of the Y, but has more things.

People can learn how to shop for healthy food choices and how to cook them.

People can learn how to exercise – how to find one that they like and can do – and will do.

They will get support for when (not if) they “fall off the wagon”.

Spiritual direction.

Group and one-on-one counseling offered.

Help each person find their unique gifts and talents and learn how to use them.

Job counseling – finding the right job to fit you.

Healthy approach to grief and death. Learn to understand that grief can accompany any loss – divorce, move, job loss.

How to deal with emotions, both good and bad. Healthy ways to process feelings.

Art and music as a way of life. Journaling classes.

People need to learn how to recover their spirits and build them up. Our souls, our spirits are like flames. If we let them die down, we are done for.

How to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Classes on codependence.

It will have AA and NA meetings – but for everybody and everything. We all self-medicate with something. We are all trying to get away from our pain with something. Nobody is immune to addiction.

Faith is healing too- there will be interfaith, nondenominational gatherings to celebrate and connect with the Divine/Creator/Spirit/God.

There are some agencies in Nashville that do some of these things. I suspect there are similar places in your own town. Perhaps a stop-gap would be to create a resource directory so people can access these, or at least know that they exist.

This isn’t just my calling. This is for all of us. If you are reading this, you are being called to it as well. We have to make mental health something that everybody works on. We have to remove the stigma about getting help. The well-being of our families, our friends, our neighborhood, and our world depends on it. How many more people have to die, either at their own hands or the hands of strangers, before we act?

In God we trust

Posted on August 11, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

This is been a crazy time, just like when everything broke a few years ago. In 2008 everything broke at our house. Everything that was really expensive broke. The water heater broke, then the battery died in my car, and then the air conditioning broke. I thought that was it. Then the roof needed to be replaced. Everything had to be replaced. We had to sell a lot of things and go without. We cut out cable TV and got rid of the home phone. I sold my car and got a cheaper one. And then we had to get a second mortgage on the house.

I didn’t have anybody who could help me. I couldn’t call on my parents and my relatives were of no help. But somehow we made it through. And we learned how to take care of ourselves. It’s nice not having to rely on other people especially when money is concerned. That can ruin friendships and strain families.

Now is a very similar time. My car had to be paid off a few months sooner than I planned. And then there was an unexpected repair expense on it. Sometimes the check engine light is something simple. And sometimes it is something that costs a lot of money. This was one of the latter times. And now the washing machine has broken. That was another three hundred dollars.

I’m thinking of the serenity prayer – that if it is something I can control, I should. If it isn’t something I can control – trust that God has got it under control.

Because all of this was out of my hands, I trust that God is behind all of this. But it is still one of those times where I don’t want to have to trust. Since we are refinancing the house we will have a little extra money in our account very soon. And since the cars are paid off we will have a little more. But we don’t have it yet.

I was looking forward to saving up that money, or even using it on a home repair project. There are a number of projects that have had to wait because we haven’t had the money to do them. Sure, I’ve had some money saved up, but savings is really for emergencies.

We certainly have had our fair share of emergencies recently.

It feels like I never am able to save up extra money for us – that a windfall will happen but then an unexpected expense will happen. We always seem to stay even. I’m grateful for that, but I’d like to not cut it so tight.

Jesus tells us to not worry about anything – about our clothing or our food or where we live. He points to the lilies-of-the-valley. But then he also tells a story about the handmaidens who were waiting. The ones who have oil in their lamps and have their wicks trimmed are the ones who succeed.

He also tells the story about the talents. There are three people who were given money and they have to take good care of it. They have to be good stewards. If they don’t do anything they fail and they get cast out.

So are we supposed to worry or not? Are we supposed to exert ourselves or not? This doesn’t make any sense. Surely we have to take care of ourselves and look out for ourselves, but we’re also supposed to trust. How much is our responsibility and how much is God’s responsibility?

God tells us that God’s ways are not our ways. Why am I trying to make any of this make sense? It won’t add up, because I can’t see things the way God sees them.

So meanwhile, I’ll pray through everything and feel it out – do this, or not?

The prophet Isaiah says –
21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:21 RSV)

No matter where we go, God is there with us.

Bad addition

Posted on August 10, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

If the room has a bad smell, most people will spray another smell on top of it. They will put a perfume smell on top of a stinky smell. So then it is perfumed stink.

If the place is noisy, they will turn on the TV to make even more noise. The idea is to cover up one noise with another noise.

I’m waiting at the car dealership on my car to be repaired. There is a TV in the waiting room, and it is on pretty loud. The service advisers and the receptionist are all in this same small room too. There is a lot of noise. It isn’t very peaceful.

I looked at everybody who was waiting, saw that they all were reading their books or their phones, so I asked if any of them had a problem with me turning it down or off. Nobody minded, so I turned it off. Several of them said thanks. They appreciated it, but had done nothing about it.

Now, that’s another thing. Nobody wanted it on, but nobody did anything about it.

Back to the original theme – the shop needs to move the area, or put up a barrier. Instead of turning on the TV to drown out the other noises, they need to put up a wall.

Adding to a problem isn’t the solution.

How many times do we do this – add, rather than subtract? And how many times do we have a problem with something and just suffer in silence, rather than do anything about it?

Bad mind reading.

Posted on August 10, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

I was getting the paging slips in the stacks and I saw a lady sitting sideways in a chair near the computers. She was working on some paperwork. I thought about it, and wondered if there was some advantage to sitting that way. I’m always looking for new ways to do things. That is the main reason why I like learning about different cultures and reading biographies.

I asked her if there was an advantage to how she was sitting and she took it as if I was chastising her. She said she was just waiting for #18 to be available. Then she looked at my tag and asked if I was a librarian. I said no, but I work here.

“I can take a hint, I’m in the way of the walkway” she said sheepishly.

She wasn’t, I assured her.

I said “If I needed you to move, I’d ask you to. That isn’t why I’m asking. I’m legitimately interested if there is an advantage.” Maybe it helps with core strength, or her legs are short and it helps her. I wouldn’t know unless I asked.

She didn’t believe me, looked around and said “It must be really selfish of me to take up all this space” and started to gather up all of her papers.

I again assured her that was not the reason I was asking.

She got up, said “I’m sorry” – and went to stand near the computer that she had a reservation for. It was still in use, so it wasn’t time for her to use it yet. This would only annoy the person using it.

I shook my head and walked away.

This kind of conversation was normal in my house when I was growing up. People thought they could read each other’s minds, and acted accordingly. They never listened to what was being said, but what they thought the other person meant. They always assumed the worst. They always got it wrong.

It was bad mind reading.

This lady had to have grown up in the same kind of household.

I’ve come to realize the insanity of this way of (not) communicating. I’ve also realized that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings.

It has to be hard to live in a space in your head where you are constantly second-guessing what people are saying, and assuming the worst.

There is something about being able to read social clues, sure. But there also has to be something about stating your mind, and being honest about what you need. Conversations are two-way, after all. If you grow up with people who won’t honestly express themselves, then you have to try to guess what they mean.

Too many people hope that others will guess what they mean, and won’t say it. They are afraid of saying what they want or need or feel for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings.

Then their feelings get hurt, because their needs aren’t being met.

I heard about a time in the pool at the water aerobics class where a new lady was too close to the regulars, and they were being pushed closer and closer to the deep end. They had no more room to get out of her way. They kept glaring at her, hoping she’d get the hint.

When a regular complained about it to me later in the changing room, I asked – “Did you say anything to her?”

No.

So they all got madder and madder, and the new lady didn’t learn that what she was doing was causing a problem. They expected her to read their minds.

We have to learn to say what we think. We have to learn to be adults and use our words. Otherwise, just like toddlers, we will get more and more frustrated and more and more angry.

There is no reason for it.

We aren’t being nice when we ignore our own feelings. And we aren’t being smart when we try to read other people’s minds. And we aren’t responsible for the feelings of others.

This doesn’t mean to not care or be hateful.

It means that their feelings are their feelings. If they get mad, that is their choice. If we say what we feel or need in an honest and kind manner, then we have done what we are supposed to do.

Poem – three days

Posted on August 9, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

Jonah was in the whale three days.
By himself.
In the dark.
He didn’t know if he’d ever get out.

Jesus was dead for three days.

His disciples thought
it was the end.

Sometimes the wait is forty years.

Sometimes longer.

Redemption isn’t immediate.
It isn’t guaranteed,
either.

Trust that whatever is happening
is meant to happen.
Trust that whatever
is going to happen
is meant to happen
too.

Languages

Posted on August 8, 2014 by betsybeadhead | Leave a comment

A lot of people move to Nashville from all around the world and they speak a lot of different languages. I think it would be easier if everybody learned the same language to communicate with each other. I don’t think it would be fair if everybody had to learn Arabic and Kurdish and Somali and French and Spanish. If everybody learns the same language we are all on the same page.

However, there is a push to have all government documents in Spanish, and there are many businesses that advertise that the speak Spanish there. Not any other language – just Spanish. The people from all other countries are not included. Translating and printing all government documents in two languages is expensive, and we are constantly having budget cuts. Where would this money come from? If they follow the usual trend then people’s jobs would be cut and service hours would be shortened.

For us to make everything in Spanish is to say that the Mexicans are unusual among all the other people who move here. It is saying that they are unable to learn English. I feel it is selling them short, and that it is an insult to their intelligence. If we print everything in Spanish and we all have to learn it, then they don’t have to learn it at all.

I feel we are handicapping them rather than helping them.