11 | May | 2020 | betsybeadhead

I’m trying to do what my spiritual director said and invite Jesus into this feeling. I’m trying to let him be the gold that glues the pieces back together.

Sometimes I don’t even want the old pieces anymore. Sometimes I want it all to crumble away and have it all be filled again, new – a new pot or plate, or bowl. To burn it all away in a refinery fire. To have the good separated from the bad by the refining fire of God. I want to be harvested and reaped and burn away and reborn and not be broken. To not build on my past and my emptiness.

I know God made me the way he made me because he needs me this way but now I feel that it is time to start anew. (But it isn’t about what I feel) I want to have a fire in my soul. Start fresh, with new-to-me dishes and towels. I’d probably buy new sheets. But otherwise I’m OK with Goodwill. I think there is a lot of God to be found in Goodwill. But I digress.

I am reshaping myself. Or, I am allowing myself to be reshaped. I am feeling my way into this new life and trying to see it as a child – that everything is new and worthy of testing. Try it, you might like it. I’m open to trying all the things that I tried in the past to see if I’ve changed. Kale? I like it. Anything more than half a bar of chocolate – I’m a PMS monster. What a surprise!

Tastes change and that isn’t just about your tongue. This is for and against. It is good to be open. Don’t go with what has always been just because it has always been. It might be holding you back. It might be a crutch. You might be allergic. Treat every experience as a new thing. Lean into it. Feel it out. Touch it, smell, it taste with new senses. And be thankful. It is good to be thankful for what you are about to receive, rather than what you just got.

Everything is a gift.

This is backwards and yet it is the Way.

I haven’t heard God in a while but I also haven’t been journaling or reading the Bible or any other religious book. It is hard to hear when you are talking so much.

(started 3/3/2013, updated 5/11/20)

Why believe in God?

I had a friend who I decided was God blind. Like color blind but for God.
He couldn’t see any reason to believe in God. This blew my mind.
I’ve always known of God.

The time when I was a baby in the crib
The rescuing by an angel when I was flying too high on the swings.
It is like being a fish and not believing in water.

Some people are color blind.
My dad couldn’t see purple. We were in the car together and he saw
another car. He asked what color it was. That made no sense to me.
How could you not see this? It is such a simple question. But he had
an inability to see reds and greens. I’d forgotten, and to be honest
I’d never really understood. How can I understand something so basic
as an inability to see color?

The same with God.

I have Buddhist neighbors. The mom was sick with kidney disease and it was
really worrying the son. He cried to tell me how concerned he was for
her health. I know a little about Buddhism but couldn’t remember if
praying was part of it. Buddhism informs my Christianity.

I asked him if he could pray for his Mom. No. So I did.
I don’t pray with the idea that God is my waiter. I ask and I
receive. Yes, sometimes it is like that. But I pray because I know
there is someone on the other end of the line who is listening and who
cares.

Sometimes I think of God as standing at the top of a pit I’ve fallen
in. He isn’t in sight, but if I call to him, he can point out a hand
hold that I can’t see from my angle.