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“But I’m not judgmental!”

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People will say “but I’m not judgmental!” in the same way they will say “I’m not racist!” and then tell a racist joke.

They say they aren’t judgmental after saying that they are against someone because they are gay. I know a lady who refuses to go to a certain denomination of church because it has an openly gay bishop. She doesn’t go to any church, and is living with the father of her child. They are not married. So “being gay” is worse in her mind than what she is doing.

I asked this lady “What does Jesus say about homosexuality?” She stammered “You tell me”, because she didn’t know. The answer – “Nothing”. Jesus said nothing about homosexuality, but He said a lot about not judging others.

He said “Judge not, lest ye be judged”.

He said to not point out the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but examine the plank in your own.

He said that whatever measure you use will be used against you.

The role of the Christian is to be like Jesus, and Jesus was about radical acceptance. Jesus took in all that came to him. We are to be examples of that love by how we live our lives. We are to be welcoming. We are to be servants.

We are not gatekeepers or guards. We don’t get to decide who is on or out. We don’t get to tell people off.

The funny part about being part of the Body of Christ is that we are members with prisoners and tax evaders and alcoholics and wife beaters and the average everyday jerk.

That is kind of hard to accept for some people. They think that being Christian is like being part of some elite social club, where only the cream of the crop get in.

Their logic goes something like this – “If Jesus lets “them” in, then that means we are just like them, and we don’t like the idea of being just like them, because they are sinners. We don’t want to be associated with them.”

Then the reality sets in.

Jesus came to heal the sick, not the well. We are all sinners. And we are all redeemed. There is room enough for us all. Once we become Christian, we don’t stop being us, with all our faults. We don’t start being perfect. We just start realizing that we are all loved the way we are because that is the way that God made us.

Jesus calls us when we are broken, not when we are perfect.

Jesus erases all lines of “them” and “us”. We are all one.

It is our job to make people want to come to this healing, this forgiveness, this acceptance. We are to welcome all in the name of Jesus. They won’t come if we are pointing fingers and calling down the wrath of heaven on them. Think back to what drew you to Jesus. I bet it wasn’t someone yelling at you that got you there.

This doesn’t mean that we need to water down the message of Jesus – not at all. This means that we are to live it.

Special orders

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I’m not a fan of special orders. I’d rather people buy what I have created. But I understand the need for special orders. People want something they have in mind, but they don’t know how to do it themselves.
Special orders are hard because people don’t really know how to ask for what they want. They don’t know the range of beads that are available, and the range that isn’t. I’ve been making jewelry for over 20 years and there are many beads I’ve only seen once. If I buy them and use them, I can’t find them again. They may exist, but I don’t know where. Going back to the same store doesn’t help. They may be sold out and their supplier can’t get any more.
That is part of what makes beading exciting. It is fun to find something that other people will love and is unique. It is also part of what makes it frustrating.
It is sometimes very hard to understand exactly what someone wants when they ask for something special. When Sally asks for a green necklace – what does she mean? Opaque? Translucent? What shade of green – olive, emerald, avocado, mint…? There are hundreds of shades of color. And then what shape? Round, faceted, tube, flat…? Then what size – tiny, medium, large?
The best is when a customer sets some parameters and trusts me with the rest, and are willing to pay for whatever I make. The worst is when they say “surprise me” and really they mean “read my mind”. Once a necklace is created, it can’t be easily modified. Sure, beads aren’t like paint. I can take the whole thing apart and reuse the beads. I haven’t wasted my money on the beads. But I still have to take the thing apart. If it is too long or too short, or the pattern isn’t what they expected, then what was wasted is my time, and that is very valuable to me.
I’ve made necklaces for people I’ve not met. I’ve not even talked to them. There was a lady who I knew over the phone. She wanted a necklace for her Mom. She described her Mom and I made a necklace and she was thrilled. Rarely is it this simple.
Sometimes I’ll pull together beads that are in the neighborhood of what the person wants, and let them look at them first. This seems to save a lot of frustration. I get a better idea of what they mean. The problem is that sometimes that doesn’t work, because the beads they have in mind aren’t ones that I have access to. I’ve got a lot of beads, and there are some pretty amazing bead stores here, but they don’t have everything.
Ideally, people would buy what I made. Barring that, in the second best situation they’d say something like “I’d like a red necklace that is 22 inches long” and let me figure out the rest. Otherwise, it isn’t worth it. The joy of making is the joy of discovering. It is hard to discover with a lot of limitations. When that starts happening, it would be easier to just teach them how to make their own jewelry.
I do teach people how to make jewelry, but not a lot. Nobody taught me. I took apart old necklaces from thrift stores and figured it out. I tried stuff and learned what worked and what didn’t. Bead books didn’t exist when I started making jewelry, and bead stores were few and far between. Now anybody can figure it out easily with YouTube and beading books from the library, but they still ask me. I can teach the mechanics of it, but I can’t teach design. That is something I just know, and I’m not sure how to teach it.

Calling on Jesus.

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There was a lady who came in yesterday to check out. Her fine was too high. In my system, if your fine is over $20, it prevents you from doing much of anything. It doesn’t have to be at 0, but it has to be at least at $20.

I could tell by her fines that this was a regular occurrence. There were a lot of little fines accrued over time. It wasn’t as if she had gotten some videos recently ($1 a day if they are late) and gotten a sudden accrual. I told her she would have to pay $3.50 in order to check out. She goes digging through her purse and finds 40 cents and asks me if that is enough. Uh. No. She was serious. I was too.

It isn’t like the library gets this money. It goes to a General Fund for the city. I have no idea what that money does, but it sure doesn’t buy books. But the point is still the same. If we have a rule where your fine has to be at $20 or below, it doesn’t do any good to alter that rule for somebody. The rules have to apply to everyone, otherwise what is the point of having rules?

She walks out and comes back a little later with some ones in her hand. She gives me her library card again, and it turns out she has $3.40. She looks at me earnestly. It is still not enough, and she knows it. She digs through and finds some pennies, and somehow is hoping that four more pennies will do the trick. I’m really getting stumped here. I’m really wondering what kind of math is going on in her head.

Then she finds a grimy dime, one that looks a lot like a penny, and gives me $3.50. She says she wants to give the four pennies towards her account as well. Our fines are all in 10 cent increments and it kind of messes things up to do anything less than that. I told her we don’t take pennies, so just keep them.

She said “Jesus!” She said it angrily, frustrated.

This isn’t the first time that someone has done this in front of me, and it makes me cringe every time.

I said “He has nothing to do with this.”

She said “He matters to me.” (So what about the “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain” rule, I thought to myself.)

I said that “He has nothing to do with the fact that your books are late. There is no reason to use His name as a curse.”

She was quiet. I put up the fine money and checked her out.

It may not have been my best moment. I wasn’t in a great mood that day. I’d just noticed that my “check engine” light is on, again, after just a month ago spending nearly $2000 to repair my car. My husband and I got into a little argument just before I left for work – something about how he was 3 months behind on a house repair project that had a time limit. Other people had sniped at me for stupid things before her. It may be surprising to realize that working at the library isn’t the safest of places for shy people.

I might have done this exact thing, in exactly this way, in spite of my less-than-perfect start to the day. I don’t have a lot of patience for people who act as if everything always just happens to them and they have no responsibility for their lives. It was her fault that she had a large fine – not anybody else’s. It was her fault that she didn’t have enough cash on her. It was her mistake that she thought that a lesser amount would do.

She wasn’t taking responsibility for her actions, and I think that is the core of my frustration. To then yell at Jesus for it is strange. Jesus heals the lepers, restores sight to the blind, makes the deaf hear, and raises the dead. Jesus isn’t the reason for your problems. Jesus is the solution to them.

React (another retreat missive)

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I want to always respond quickly to God’s call. I often hesitate. I’m not sure if it is God. I’m not sure I have the ability. I’m not sure in general.

I don’t want to do something wrong. I don’t want to get involved. I think I’m going to get in over my head. I think I’m going to say the wrong thing.

But I’m trying. I’m testing the waters. I don’t want to run away from God, because I feel that I’ll stop being called. And I am more afraid of not being called than looking goofy when I am responding to a call.

I’m getting more trusting. I’m learning that the pre-call is part of the call. God warms me up for it. It isn’t “jump,” it is more like “I’m going to tell you to jump in a little bit, so get ready.”

It is like telling a perpetually late child that you need to leave the house in 30 minutes, when really 45 minutes is ok.

God is learning how to deal with me, and I’m learning how to deal with God. I suspect this is going to be a lifelong thing between God and me. There aren’t a lot of instruction manuals for this, but then I have a feeling that God will tell me what I need to know when I need to know it, and in a way I need to know it. God knows me better than anyone.

(I started this midafternoon of the retreat that was in September. I added more to it tonight)

Glasses for mental health

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What if anxious and nervous is your normal? What if it isn’t something wrong at all, but just your way of being?

Think of it as the same as needing glasses, or a hearing aid, or an orthotic shoe. There is nothing “shameful” or “wrong” about these conditions. We can’t control the fact that we are different from “normal”. We can’t control the fact that we need a little bit of help to fit in with everybody else.

Why do we think we have any real control over our emotions?

Some of our emotions are trained into us. We are taught to behave and react in certain ways, some of which aren’t that useful. We get that from our parents. What if some of our neural pathways are different genetically as well? Forget nature versus nurture. They both have an effect.

What if we aren’t to blame for feeling afraid or angry or hesitant? What if that is just the way we are? What if we stop trying to define these feelings as “bad” and we just accept them for what they are?

There is a big push in society for everybody to be the same – but we aren’t. We all look different – but we can have surgery to all look the same. We can wear clothes to make ourselves look smaller or taller or skinner or have curves in different places. There are girdles and pads aplenty to make you fit in and make you look more like everyone else.

There are things to make you fit in mentally as well. There are pills if you are depressed or manic, or eat too much, or don’t eat enough, or have anxiety, or ADD. There are pills to counter every state of humanity.

But why fit in? Because it makes them feel better, or you? Wouldn’t it be healthier for them to see you being you? When you are honest about who you really are, then you are giving everyone else permission to be themselves.

I say we all just take off our masks and say that we are the way we are, and that is OK.

Single women

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Why do we teach people, women especially, that if you don’t have somebody, you are nobody? What is it about being single that is so harmful? Is it that we are afraid of being alone?

Is this taught because that is what the parents were taught? Have they even tried to be alone? Is it automatic to teach that you have to find a spouse? Are they even conscious of this push?

Is there something dangerous to society about people being alone? It certainly isn’t that we need more population growth through people pairing off.

Or is there some basic issue in society in general with being alone? Being alone conveys independence. Is that what is terrifying to the culture at large?

Why are there so many books for women about how to find the perfect man, especially after 30? There aren’t books for men like this. Please note there is no “modern groom” magazine. The focus is on the woman finding the man, not the other way around.

The focus isn’t on the woman learning how to take care of herself – it teaches her that she has to be with someone else in order to be complete. This seems basically demeaning.

Why are there so many “romance” books for women, yet nothing of the sort for men? Both aren’t learning the same script.

Get thee to a library…

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There is something interesting that I’ve noticed. Guys rarely come to the library.

I’ve notice that guys who come into the library before they retire mostly read only nonfiction. They will get books on how to improve their golf game or their business or their finances. If they read fiction at all it is science fiction.

Guys who are retired will get different things. They will take the time to get fiction. They will read Tom Clancy or other books with a lot of action. Or they will read westerns. Or mysteries. They are very predictable.

I never thought about how segregated books are until I saw an older man reading a Nora Roberts book. I thought it was odd, but then I thought good for him. At least he is reading what he wants to read instead of what society expects him to read.

Older women tend to read books in pastel covers. There is a couple on the cover and they are fully clothed, neck to ankles. The story is the same over and over. It is predicable, and the guy always gets the girl, but any action is just hinted at.

I read science fiction because I like to be surprised. The space ship and the aliens are just an excuse for really imaginative writing. I don’t want to read the same story over and over. I know it already. I want something new.

Girls who read science fiction are rare in our society. Black girls who read science fiction are really rare. Black girls who read science fiction are my kind of people. They are really not interested in the roles that society tries to give them. They think for themselves. They are different and aren’t afraid of being different. They often don’t relax their hair because that too is a social construct. They like being themselves, as they are.

Is it that certain types of people read certain books because they honestly like these books or because they don’t know what else to read? Or is it because they are afraid to step outside the lines? Are they afraid to do what they want to do, which may mean violating society’s expectations of them?

Reading can be an act of rebellion.

I think there is a lot of power in reading. I think that if you can read, and you like to read, that you can go anywhere and do anything. I think that encouraging children to read by taking them to the library is essential. Sure, let them get fun books so they equate reading with enjoyment. But also have them get educational books. They need to see books as a source for learning. They need to fill up on real nutrition rather than junk food. Let them read comic books, sure, but not a steady diet of it.

Children need to see their parents read too. Don’t just get books for them – get books for yourself. They have to see you reading to learn that reading is something that is part of being an adult. It isn’t just something you do for a class. It isn’t a chore. Reading is for fun, and it is for life.

I want kids to look forward to reading, and not think that they “have to” read this book, but that they “get to” read this book. There is a huge difference.

Change the world for the better. Go to the library. Get some books. Read. Repeat.

The mind you save will be your own.

Mediocrity at work.

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What is the point of showing up on time at work? So many of my coworkers don’t. Five minutes is usual for several. Fifteen is normal for one. Not even a “my car wouldn’t start” or “sorry”. Every day. Every week. Late is normal.

Why do I get upset about it? Maybe I should start showing up late, but I wasn’t raised that way. It seems like cheating. If we are paid to work 40 hours, I think we should at least be here 40 hours.

But then there are plenty of people who just show up for 40 hours and don’t actually do anything.

Government jobs aren’t like private sector jobs. It is hard to get fired. It is more likely that low performing people will get transferred rather than fired. They will get shuffled off another department or another division.

I had a coworker who was amazingly inept. I have never ever encountered someone who worked as slowly and as badly. He took twice as long to do half as much work, and he screwed that half up. I and others constantly had to fix his mistakes.

Because we are civil service, we would have to be taken to court to be fired. This is good in a way – it means we can’t lose our jobs the moment a new Mayor or Governor gets elected. Sometimes it is dangerous to root for the wrong political party.

But it also means that if you have an employee who is doing very badly, he gets to keep his job. It also means that if you have an employee who is doing very well, he won’t get a raise. It cuts both ways. Mediocrity is encouraged.

There is no incentive to do well. There is no incentive to train or learn more. There is no incentive to do anything more than the average. You’ll get paid the same as the slacker.

OCD prayer life

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The more you try to do God’s job the more you miss out on miracles.

We constantly try to get God to do what we want. We want a miracle or a deal or a way out. We want our way, just like toddlers.

We are OCD about our prayer life. If we are waiting for test results we will think that if we see good omens then we will get good results. If this color car passes all will be well. If this person calls, all will be well.

It will be what it is. Praying won’t change the results. You either are or are not OK.

It is like praying for a certain gender of a baby after the woman is pregnant. Then it is too late. The gender is already a given.

It is like seeing smoke and fire on your block as you are driving home and praying that the house on fire isn’t yours. Too late. There is a house on fire. It isn’t going to suddenly stop being on fire if it is yours because you prayed about it.

You are only setting yourself up for disappointment this way. You are only going to start thinking of God as a mean God.

It is better to pray before the need. It is better to be in a constant state of prayer. Part of praying is communication with God, but part of it is also learning to accept that God is always on charge.

It is best that we don’t always get our way. We don’t have the big picture. We can’t see the future and the strands of life and how they intertwine. God sees this and more. God knows what is going to happen and what is best.

So pray, but be aware that prayer changes you, not God.

One way to pray is this: “I will to will Thy will, O Lord”

“For God is not a God of disorder, but peace…”

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The priest at my former church used the argument from 1 Corinthians 14:33 as a justification for stopping my deacon discernment process. That is –

“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace–as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people.” (NIV) In the New American Standard Version “disorder” is translated as “confusion”.

There was no confusion. It was just different. I wasn’t confused or disordered. It was different from my normal.

She said that the fact that I was saying that God was waking me up at night to tell me things was a disordered way of being. She said that God loves me and wants the best for me, and that wasn’t something that God would do.

It wasn’t hurting me. It was surprising, because it had never happened. I’d not been trained in how to deal with it or what to do with the information. But I wasn’t suffering. I wasn’t sleepy the rest of the day. I was fine.

Perhaps she forgot about God waking up Samuel.

I Samuel 3:1-10
3 The boy Samuel ministered before the LORD under Eli. In those days the word of the LORD was rare; there were not many visions.2 One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. 3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the house of the LORD, where the ark of God was. 4 Then the LORD called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am.” 5 And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down. 6 Again the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” “My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD: The word of the LORD had not yet been revealed to him. 8 A third time the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. 9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 10 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

Perhaps she forgot that God sent an angel who wrestled with Jacob throughout the night.

Genesis 32:22-32
That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. 28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” 29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.” But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

Perhaps she forgot about God waking up Joseph, four times. He protected Mary and Jesus by obeying God’s command that came to him in the middle of the night. At first he was going to leave Mary, when he found out she was pregnant. God sends him a dream to change his mind.

Matthew 1:20-21
20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

Then Joseph gets another dream-message from God because Herod was sending people to kill Jesus.

Matthew 2:13
13 When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”

And yet another dream –

Matthew 2:19-20
19 After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt 20 and said, “Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child’s life are dead.”

He returns, but then there is another dream.

Matthew 2:21-23
21 So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. 22 But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, 23 and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets, that he would be called a Nazarene

Joseph gets four different dreams from God, and he acts on all of them.

Imagine what would have happened if Joseph had gone up to some priest and asked what he should do, and the priest told him that he was crazy.

Perhaps she forgot that the verse she quoted is from Paul, who said that women shouldn’t talk in church in the very next verse. Paul would be totally against a female minister.

1 Corinthians 14:34-35
“34 Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says. 35 If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

The Bible is useful to prove your point, but you have to use all of it.

We spend our days with anything except stillness and quiet. Of course we can’t usually hear God. We go out of our way to block God’s voice out. Of course God talks to us when we are quiet and still at night.

We are told that if a prophet’s words come to pass, then that person is a prophet.

Deuteronomy 18:21-22
21 You may say to yourself, ‘How can we recognize a message the LORD has not spoken?’22 When a prophet speaks in the LORD’s name, and the message does not come true or is not fulfilled, that is a message the LORD has not spoken. The prophet has spoken it presumptuously. Do not be afraid of him.

We aren’t told to discount someone right away. We have to wait and see.