I want to always respond quickly to God’s call. I often hesitate. I’m not sure if it is God. I’m not sure I have the ability. I’m not sure in general.
I don’t want to do something wrong. I don’t want to get involved. I think I’m going to get in over my head. I think I’m going to say the wrong thing.
But I’m trying. I’m testing the waters. I don’t want to run away from God, because I feel that I’ll stop being called. And I am more afraid of not being called than looking goofy when I am responding to a call.
I’m getting more trusting. I’m learning that the pre-call is part of the call. God warms me up for it. It isn’t “jump,” it is more like “I’m going to tell you to jump in a little bit, so get ready.”
It is like telling a perpetually late child that you need to leave the house in 30 minutes, when really 45 minutes is ok.
God is learning how to deal with me, and I’m learning how to deal with God. I suspect this is going to be a lifelong thing between God and me. There aren’t a lot of instruction manuals for this, but then I have a feeling that God will tell me what I need to know when I need to know it, and in a way I need to know it. God knows me better than anyone.
(I started this midafternoon of the retreat that was in September. I added more to it tonight)