Relationship thoughts

Should you stay or should you go? Don’t fall for the “sunk cost fallacy”. I saw this list online that offered many different ways to think about your relationship and if it is worth staying for. I’m sharing it here because it might be helpful.

 Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm (and don’t let them set you on fire to warm themselves)    

We accept the love we think we deserve    

At the end of the day, what does this person add to your life vs what they take away    

There are people out there who will treat you how you allow them to, not how you treat them.      

You can’t date the past or the future, when everything was/will be great when ______ happens. The relationship you have NOW is the one you have to live with.    

 Don’t keep drinking after you’ve found out your well has been poisoned.    

 You will never find the right person if you don’t let go of the wrong one.    

 It’s better to have a relationship end now with pain than have a painful relationship without end.    

Never confuse what you’re offered with what you’re worth.

When they rob you of solitude but provide no companionship, it’s time to go.

The axe forgets but the tree remembers

Let go or be dragged

Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor

The portal to every next level is through the parts of yourself you avoid

“The chains of habit are too light to be felt, until they are too heavy to be broken.”

The well that gives too much becomes a hole.

“When the map and the terrain differ, trust the terrain”

Accept what IS, not what you’d like it to be.

You can’t pour from an empty cup

Don’t lose sleep over cutting ties with someone who handed you the scissors.

Do you want to play life on hard mode?

You can’t grow in earth that poisons you.

Our successes don’t have meaning without our struggles.

The little white house

little white house

The little white house had been there longer than anyone could remember. The cornerstone said 1781, but nobody thought that was possible. Sudbury wasn’t a town that far back. The archives in the local library said the first deed had been issued in 1824 to Saul Abrams, a fur trader, but it was the only house for miles then. It was four years later before the town had its first boom and then there were a dozen homes scattered about like corn thrown to chickens. Close enough to help if there’s a need, but far enough away that you didn’t have to worry about your neighbor seeing your business. Not like anybody was up to anything, mind you, but it was still nice to have the breathing room.

Nell was currently the youngest resident of the little white house, but she certainly wasn’t going to be the last. Her mom was due to give birth within a week to her latest sibling. Meanwhile, grandma Rose and uncle Pat lived upstairs in the north-east facing room. They preferred the early morning light to paint by. They said it meant they got a head start on the day before the rest of the family got up.

The little white house had resisted all sorts of change over the years. It had plumbing but no electricity. The family had never seen a need for it, preferring natural light over artificial. Plus the money they saved was nothing to sneeze at. Of course, money wasn’t a problem for Nell’s family. Up to four generations at a time lived there, sharing their skills and resources along with their joys and sorrows. It was so much cheaper to pay one mortgage than four (or more). The money saved was worth the minor annoyance of the cramped quarters. For starters, it meant that they didn’t all have to work full-time, and especially not at jobs that took more than they gave.

The Abrams family realized early on that they would have to be careful about how many children they had if they were going to share a house. It wouldn’t do to be too crowded. Plus, more mouths meant more food, and food wasn’t cheap. They’ve had a lot of land to work with years back, but now that the city had grown up around the house they had to buy food just like everyone else.

Of course, there was always the apple tree out front. It had been the reason Saul had bought the property in the first place. The apples had just ripened on it once Saul came over the hill, looking for a campsite for the evening after a long day of marmot trapping. That tree’s beauty stopped him in his tracks and he set up his canvas tent smack dab under it to spend the evening with it as his company. The next morning he knew he’d finally found a place he could call home. He dreamed about that tree the whole night long.

Saul’s family put great stock in dreams, being descended from Jacob, who God renamed Israel. Jacob knew that where he slept was a holy place and so set up an altar to God once he awoke. Saul knew the same was true here, but he knew he was to establish a house rather than a temple.

There wasn’t much difference, really, to his mind.

The city had grown up around the house, getting closer and closer. The yard had shrunk down to a little patio in front with the tree. Tall buildings bracketed the little white house on the sides but not at the front or back. Somehow, there was still an alleyway to one side, and Nell would often play there when she wanted to be alone.

The alley was gated, and only her family had a key, but it didn’t matter. Nobody would even think of walking through that gate. Most didn’t even notice it. It was kind of like one of those Japanese gates that weren’t really gates, marking out a difference between “there” and “here”. “Here” was the difference between storm and calm, between noise and harmony. Most people walked on by because this little island wasn’t what they were looking for, even though it was what most of them needed. Most people were looking for peace in the wrong places – more activity, more possessions, a different job / spouse / church / hobby. They figured if they weren’t happy it was because of something outside of them. Change that and they’d change how they felt, they thought. Yet they made the changes outside and they still felt empty inside.

The little white house had no ornamentation to speak of but it was always clean and tidy. It stuck out only in that it didn’t stick out at all, taking up just enough space but no more.

The residents kept a low profile, always doing things the same way. They always put the trash out on Wednesday mornings, always went to get the groceries on Thursday. On Friday they prepared for a day of rest by cooking double portions of food to make Saturday easy. On Sunday they might travel or work on school projects. They were always learning, whether they were enrolled in an institution or not. All of the Abrams kids went to public school and then to college, yet they also were expected to follow their own inspirations and learn as much as they could about whatever they wanted. The Sahara desert, bowling, tea, it made no difference. Anything was fair game to do a research project on, but each person had to do something.

Right now, for Nell, that something was sitting on the front steps, sketching the apple tree. Year after year it produced crisp red apples that the family lovingly harvested and ate fresh, baked into pies, made into sauce and preserves. Every single fruit was carefully harvested and used or processed immediately. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” should have been engraved as the Abrams family motto because they sure took it seriously. Even if they were traveling they were sure to take enough applesauce or apple butter along with them so each person could have their daily allotment. Every day they ate from the fruit of that tree just like it was medicine, just like it was prescribed by the family doctor.

In a way, it was. All those many years ago, God told Saul in that dream to eat the fruit of that tree every day – him and his descendants, and they would never get sick. He took God at his word and had an apple for breakfast first thing when he woke up. Within moments the usual aches and pains he’d had for the past three years of making his living out of the wilderness were gone, like he never had them.

The family never told a soul their secret, out of concern that someone would try to steal the tree or chop it down out of spite. Some folks would rather destroy something beautiful than share.

Of course, they had to tell anyone who married into the family, but marrying into that family was harder than getting a job at the real White House.

Background checks were just the beginning. Then there was a complete physical. Financial records were obtained. Even visits to a psychiatrist were required. It was like applying for full term life insurance, a second mortgage, and a Secret Service job all at once.

In the end, if you were in, you were made truly part of the family by a dip in the local river. And, no matter what, you had to change your last name to Abrams. After that you were the same as anyone else who lived in the little white house, and you too got your daily serving of apple.

Getting a serving a day meant you didn’t get sick, but it didn’t mean you wouldn’t die. Accidents and old age could kill an Abrams the same as anyone else. They tended to heal faster from accidents, and age slower, but death still visited that house on occasion. Even then it wasn’t a sadness, because they’d always lived long and well there.

(The image is from the book “Trainstop” by Barbara Lehman. It is a wordless picture-book for children. My story was inspired by this image and not by her story that she told through her other pictures.)

Life Hacks

Consider this a public service announcement.

Toilets and gross personal stuff

Always live in a house that has two toilets. One will invariably break and it will invariably take a while for the plumber to come. Also, if you don’t live alone, it is also very common that two people will need to use the bathroom at the same time, especially after coming home from a trip.

Always make sure there is toilet paper in the stall before you need it. This is especially true when you are not at home.

Just go ahead and use the bathroom before you are leaving a place. You never know if there is going to be a traffic jam.

If female, place a towel under yourself while sleeping when you are having a period. I cannot believe it took me nearly 30 years to figure this one out.

Housekeeping

Whatever it is that you always wash together (towels, underwear and socks, jeans), sort them as you go by putting them in a separate bin. Don’t waste time every wash day digging them out of the pile.

Bananas are a real pain to separate when they start to get very ripe. Tear them apart from each other when you get them so you don’t end up with two that are “open” when you only wanted one.

Whatever it is that you use regularly, get an extra of it so you have it on hand when you need it. Nothing slows down a home-maintenance project like having to go to the hardware store. Sometimes it slows it down so much it doesn’t happen at all.

Only shop with a list. No list – everything is bought on impulse and you probably won’t pick up what you needed to get in the first place. Most smart phones have a list application. This is very handy – no paper to lose.

Take apart a bath puff to create a soft mesh container to hold and use all those tiny soap bits. This way you can use up every bit of a bar of soap. Just tie up the ends and you are good to go. This way it also exfoliates.

Money

Sometimes you need a check. Sometimes places won’t take a credit card and you won’t have enough
cash. Fold up a check and put it under your driver’s license. I have gone to restaurants that only took checks, and they didn’t post or mention this before I ate. I went to a doctor’s office that didn’t take cards and I didn’t have the cash for the copay. Worst situation – I went to buy a car and tried to pay for the down payment on a credit card (I wanted the points). No dice. Four hours of negotiating and paperwork for nothing – but I had one check. They took checks. Trust me on this one. Carry one check.

Always carry some cash. I have a 20, a 10, a 5 and some ones at all times, as well as some change. I normally use my credit card, but every now and then the credit card machine isn’t working. This is especially important when you need gas.

Pay your credit card off every week. Don’t accumulate a balance. The fees are exorbitant. Why should you pay extra for what you bought?

Get a credit card that gives you money back for using it. I make about $150 a year this way.

Relationships

This is not original, but I like it. Here are six things to tell your spouse in order to have a successful marriage – “You look great.” “Can I help?” “Lets’ eat out.” “I was wrong.” “I am sorry.” And of course – “I love you.”

Heard from our minister when we got married – “trouble shared halves it, joy shared doubles it.”

Never date a guy who drives badly with you in the car. If he doesn’t care about your safety, he doesn’t care about you.

When choosing a spouse, think of it as interviewing someone for a job. Don’t hire them if they aren’t willing to do the job you need them to do. Somebody has to cook, clean, mow the lawn, take care of the bills and deal with service techs. It doesn’t have to be divided along standard gender lines, but it does have to be done. Talk honestly beforehand about what you are willing to do and what you won’t do.

Some people will annoy you. They may not know that they are annoying. Tell them how you feel. If they continue their bad behavior towards you, then it is intentional. If it is intentional, it is abusive.

Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean they have the right to be abusive. If they are abusive, they do not respect you as a person.

Avoid tedious people who don’t respect you. Especially if they are family.

Health

When sick with a head cold – drink a lot of water. OK, more than that. 8 glasses is the recommended amount, and almost nobody gets that. Drink a glass every half hour while you are awake. Water is water – not Coke, not coffee. Take an Echinacea tablet with every meal. Eat a spoonful of local honey every morning. Eat an orange every day.

Prevention is cheaper than cure. Eat real food, not processed. Get regular exercise. This is more than just moving around. That isn’t exercise – that is proving you aren’t a plant. You need to work hard at least thirty minutes every day.

Exercise – Find something you like to do. Dancing counts. Nobody said it had to be drudgery. I do water aerobics, walking, and yoga. If you like doing it, you’ll do it more often.

You get out what you put in. Give it your all. Don’t waste your time going through the motions. Really try hard when you exercise.

Don’t make up excuses. Just do it. You’ll be happy when you are through. Skip, and you’ll feel bad. Trust me. I’ve been there.

Get a coat that fits and use it. Don’t wear your coat unbuttoned and then complain that it is cold.

If your hands are cold, it means your core is cold. Instead of putting on a pair of gloves, put on a sweater.

If there are medicines that you take every day, get a small container and put three days’ worth in there and carry it with you. Emergencies are bad enough but they are worse if you are without essential medicine.

Wear a hat. Not a ball cap. Aside from looking stylish, you’ll have a warm, dry head. This alone leads to much happiness.

Other

Take leftover containers with you when visiting family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. You know you’ll want to take some food home.

Find things that make you happy other than food. “Comfort food” can lead to a lot of problems if you need to be comforted with it a lot.

If you have to pick up or touch something questionable with your hand, use your non-dominant hand.

Travel

Pack a spare pair of shoes.

Bring a map, not just the GPS. “Lost satellite reception” translates to “lost.”