On Maundy Thursday and Remembering

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“Maundy Thursday” is Thursday, March 28th this year. It is always the Thursday before Good Friday. “Maundy” is from the Latin word mandatum. It is where we get our word “mandatory,” meaning something that you must do. On that day we reenact and recall the first Lord’s Supper, where Jesus instructed his disciples on how to remember him. That meal is a remembrance in the truest sense of the word.

A few months ago I was listening to a podcast called “Paradosis” by Father John Hainsworth, an Orthodox priest. He was taking issue with the idea of the English word “remember” that is used to describe what happens in Communion. He was taking the word “remember” to mean the opposite of “forget”. He thought of it meaning that we remind ourselves what happened in that upper room during the first Lord’s Supper. His argument was that we don’t remember. We relive. It is happening right there, then, with us there. There is an alteration of space and time and we are there with Jesus and his disciples, and they are there with us in our own churches. We are all together with each other in spirit.

I think that is a perfectly valid understanding. But “remember” is a good word. In this sense it means really the opposite of “dis-member” Another word for our limbs is “members.” When you dis-member a body, you chop off the arms and the legs. All the parts of it are removed from the trunk. The parts that do the work are removed. When a doctor reattaches a limb that has been chopped off, he is actually “re-membering” a “dis-membered” limb. He is putting a member back. When we take communion, we are rejoined with Jesus. He is the body, and we are the arms and legs. We do His work in this world.

He tells us that he is the vine, and we are the branches. In the Gospel of John chapter 15 verse 5 we are told that “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” When we are rejoined in Communion, we are stronger. We gain sustenance. We are refueled. We gain the strength to do God’s work in our communities and in our world.

Jesus appeared to two of his disciples on the road to Emmaus after his resurrection. The three of them talked for a long time. They didn’t recognize him physically. They didn’t recognize him by how he talked and what he talked about, as he explained all that was said about himself in the Scriptures from Moses and the Prophets. The recognized him in his action of blessing and breaking bread. In the Gospel of Luke, chapter 24, verses 30-31 we hear that “ 30 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. 31 Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.” Not by sight or sound or reason did they recognize him. He was there with them and they didn’t know. These are his own disciples, his hand-picked followers who knew him intimately. It was only in the blessing and breaking of the bread that they were truly rejoined with him. The same is true with us. It is in that simple, human experience of sharing a meal with our Lord in a community of believers that we can truly be re-connected and re-vitalized.

(all translations of the Bible are from the New International Version)

Ideal Church

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Here are some of my ideas about what I think church should be and look like.

No hierarchy of leadership. Everybody can teach and preach if so called.

People are taught how to find and express their gifts of the Spirit.

People learn that they don’t have to work for a non-profit to be serving God. All forms of work can be valid paths.

No infant baptism. There can be a ceremony to accept children into the church – to say that the parents will raise them as Christians and want the support and help of the church. But baptism is too important for it to be done for you. You need to make that conscious decision yourself.

No peer pressure to get baptized or confirmed – it is open to all at any time. It isn’t just done once a year with all people over a certain age.

Full immersion baptism.

Communion every week.

Communion table is in the center – not at the end. No sense of distance – that it is special and you aren’t.

Money is not handled during the service. Parishioners give their tithes online or mail it to the church.

The service isn’t so weird that strangers can’t figure it out.

The service isn’t so boring that old-timers get tired of it.

The service changes with the seasons – liturgical, colors.

All major events are noted, and some smaller events. Note how some Hindu festivals are done – some are every three years, some 7, some 11. They aren’t all crammed into one year. If some Christian services are like this they will feel even more special.

Prayer is held every day in the sanctuary.

I really like the idea of incense, bells, and chanting at some services, not all. (otherwise strangers will feel excluded)

Money isn’t spent on expensive stained glass and vestments. It is spent on the poor.

Prevention rather than cure – time, energy spent on trying to prevent poverty, abuse.

A center for community education to raise people up. How to be good parents and good people.

Ministry is service to all, not just the “chosen” and not just those in church.

Honest facing of our corporate existence – health, both mental and physical. Birth, death, sex – no shame in the body.

Estate planning – and how to handle being a widow or a widower. Preparation for what it means to be married, or to be a parent. These major life events shouldn’t be a surprise or learned about after the fact.

Ignorance equals fear. There needs to be an emphasis on education.

Exercise and nutrition should be taught. How to keep the body healthy. Stress reduction such as yoga. Different ways of how to express yourself should be taught – art, music.

We are all one – now. Christ makes us so. “Full Communion” is in your head. It doesn’t require a committee or a vote from bishops.

Equal opportunity for membership – you show up on a regular basis, you are a member. You don’t have to be confirmed. Plenty of folks get confirmed and quit showing up, but are still counted as members.

The church gauges its success on the amount of people it has helped, not on the amount of money it has raised to support itself.

No bureaucracy – all can vote on everything. No vestry. This is more like the New England town hall idea of voting.

All are welcome to take communion. If Jesus calls you to the table, who are we to set limits or rules? Baptism is not required. Also, it is not for us to judge sinfulness or contrition. We cannot refuse communion.

No forcing people to get information in ways they aren’t familiar with. News and information should be online AND in print form.

Equal access for disabilities. Large print. Hearing devices. Sign language. Wheelchair accessible.

Think of how you are going to get a casket in and out before you design the place. No steps or tight turns.

Other religions are studied and respected. That which is found to be true and helpful is incorporated in the worship experience.

The service isn’t about the minister – it is about focus on God. These mega-churches are personality-driven, not Spirit-driven.

Everybody has to do something. No passive parishioners.

It is essential that nobody thinks they are better than any other denomination. To think that one denomination has a lock on it is to cause division. We are about the “one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church” “Catholic” in this sense means “universal”.

Look around – if there are people from all walks of life and all races, you are doing it right. That is what Heaven looks like.

All are welcome. If there are leaders, then they need to be an equal representation. Not all white, heterosexual men.

Nobody is refused membership because of something they have no control over (gender, race, sexual orientation.)

All members are expected to participate. The same 10 percent don’t do all the work.

Active versus Passive

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There was not really a place for me at my old church in Chattanooga. It was big. It was busy. All the roles were filled every week. They had a full complement of acolytes and choir members. There were different lectors every week of the month. There were plenty of chalice bearers. I think I could have skipped going and nobody would have noticed.

In my current church I saw the same two people being chalice bearers for a year. This didn’t seem fair. I asked about how to be a chalice bearer and found it isn’t as simple as just filling in that day like you can in other roles. There is training, and licensing from the Bishop, and proof that you are a confirmed Episcopalian. Then one of the ladies who had served all those months got sick and someone filled in. Turns out there was a whole slew of people who were trained and licensed but weren’t taking a turn at it. Somehow this made me want to help out all the more. I was also a little bit angry at how nobody else was seeing the unfairness of making two people have to serve every Sunday for a year.

I read a book on discerning your calling that said if you notice that somebody should be doing something, then perhaps it means that you are called to do it. The fact that you notice it means it is your job to do. Sometimes I see a lot more than I think I have the ability to fix. But perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps I see it for a reason. Perhaps talking about what I see will help others see it too.

I’m noticing a decided lack of energy and spirit in church these days. I think that others feel it too. I think this is part of why so many people are leaving church. I think this is part of why so many people never go to start with. They don’t see the point. They see the hypocrisy. They see bigger and bigger buildings that are really good at supporting themselves and really bad at doing what Jesus said to do. The buildings are huge, and are used once a week so that several hundred people listen to one person talk about what they think the scriptures mean. Meanwhile, that money that was spent on that building could have been spent on a homeless shelter. Or a place to counsel people how to manage their money. Or a place to welcome immigrants. Or a place to feed hungry people.

Yes, there is the story of Jesus being anointed with the costly perfume. Right before Jesus went back to Jerusalem in the weeks before he was crucified, his friend Mary took a jar of spikenard and anointed his feet. This stuff was really expensive – about a years’ wages worth. Judas complained – why wasn’t the money spent on the poor rather than on this perfume? And Jesus told him to lay off – that we will always have the poor with us.

I fear that this exception to his otherwise stellar example of service has been taken to be the rule in many churches. So many churches are concerned with their own expenses on upkeep rather than taking care of the commandments. They are concerned about how few people are in church every Sunday – not because they are concerned whether folks are hearing the message of God or not, but whether their tithes will be enough to pay the bills. They are concerned about getting stained glass windows and new fancy vestments. They might get a gold chalice rather than a plain one. Any church that raises itself up is following the wrong master. The stained glass windows are usually bought by members. They raised the money and donated it “to the glory of God and in memory of …….” That $5000 could have fed a lot of people. It could have trained folks how to manage their money. It could have helped folks to be better able to handle life. It makes the church pretty, but it doesn’t make it useful.

Jesus wouldn’t have used a fancy chalice at the Passover meal he shared with his disciples. It would have been plain. They were borrowing somebody else’s room to have this ritual meal in. They were poor and often on the run from the authorities. Jesus also told his disciples to not take any money or an extra cloak with them when they went to tell people the news that the Kingdom of God was among them. So why are churches building up their treasures here?

Church isn’t a social club. It can be that, but it needs to be different that just any other place people gather. It can’t be a place where people gather just to feel good. It needs to be a place where people gather to DO good. Rather than getting the teens together to eat pizza and go bowling, why not get them together to work on a social project? Surely some old person needs their yard cut. Surely a widow needs her house painted. It would be a good opportunity to teach the youth how to be ministers. We are told that every baptized Christian is a minister, but we forget this. We tend to think the term “minister” is reserved for those folks who are ordained. We have become asleep to our own Christ nature. We have become passive, where church is something that is done to us, instead of with each other.

I think it is important for folks to take an active role in church, and see that as a warm-up for the rest of the week. I think part of church is to teach you that you are supposed to be active participants. It isn’t just about showing up. I wonder if this mindset of passivity comes from the idea of having ordained leaders? Part of why the entire Reformation happened is because lay people wanted a more active role in church. So why aren’t we doing it? And why aren’t we seeing our ministry as extending into the world? Why do we forget that we are to “Go forth to love and serve the Lord” as we hear in the dismissal? Go forth. Your work begins now.

Every year people ask me to join the vestry or run the Sunday school or be a part of the altar guild. I refuse every time because I’m already doing three jobs at church. I see no reason why in a church where 150 people regularly show up, only 20 people do all the jobs. I think it is important to leave a space. I think it is important for folks to see themselves in that space.

Having a church membership is like having a gym membership. You have to put something into it to get something out of it. And church isn’t even about you getting something out of it. Yes, you need to be filled. But then you have to go and feed others. Jesus said to Peter – Do you love me? Peter said of course he did. Jesus replied – Feed my sheep. This conversation happened three times. If you love me, feed my sheep. He didn’t say, if you love me, just show up and sing a hymn saying you love me. He didn’t say to build a big church building – he wants the church body. He wants US to use our bodies. He wants us to be him in this world. It isn’t about the building at all.

This body is flabby and weak. We are Christ’s body on this earth. How can we do what he needs us to do if we are so weak? If we are so selfish and needy? If we go to church just to feel content that we have done our duty to God for the week? God wants more than just one hour. He wants everything.

Waking up.

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When I’m trying to wake up in the morning I often will rub my arms and legs. This is what midwives and nurses do to babies to get them to start breathing on their own just after they are born. Perhaps we all need that – to wake up. We need to know that we are independent beings. We need to awaken fully into who we are. But sometimes we need someone to do it to us. We need some external stimulus to attain some momentum. I’m trying to do that here, to myself, and to you. I’m trying to wake us up.

We spend so much of our lives asleep. Every day is the same. We get up, eat the same cereal from a cardboard box, dress in our collared cotton shirt and pressed slacks, and drive the same route to work. It is like we are machines rather than human beings. It actually is a good sign if we start thinking “Is this all there is? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my days?” This means we are starting the process of waking up.

But sometimes we don’t even think that. Every day we walk the same, think the same, act the same. Each day leads into another day until there are no more days. Then we wonder what happened to our lives. What happened is that we didn’t pay attention. We were sleepwalking.

I saw a video narrated by Alan Watts that said that it is important to be who you are. It is important to do what you love instead of worrying about money. If you do what you do because that is what you are expected to do, then you will be miserable your entire life. But there seems to be a catch here. We can’t pay the bills by painting a check. We can’t feed ourselves with beaded fruit. These things might be beautiful but they don’t sell themselves. And what about health insurance? That is very expensive if you are self-employed. I read about a comic book artist who discovered that she had epilepsy. She couldn’t afford the medicines for it. So there was a fund set up for her to raise the money. This seems like a nice idea, but what about the next person, and the next?
How is this different from standing on the street corner with a hat out? I would love to bead and paint and collage and write all day long and not worry about the electric bill or the mortgage. It would be great if I could just start a Kickstarter campaign to make sure my grocery bill was covered. But this sounds too much like panhandling. Isn’t this rude of me to expect everybody else to take care of me? If we all quit our jobs and start living the lives we want then how is anything going to get done? And who is to say you can’t have a fulfilling life being an electrician or an accountant?

Perhaps I’m still lying in bed, rubbing my arms and legs. Perhaps I’ve not come up with the momentum yet to get up and go, and try out this whole new life. Right now I shoehorn in my other life. I bead at night, after work. I paint in the mornings before work, when there is good light and my husband isn’t home. I write in the mornings and keep a notebook with me at work all the time just in case an idea wanders along.

I have a business card from a guy I met at a coffeehouse. He advertises himself as a gardener and a translator. I have to admit I was kind of jealous. What an amazing life to live off the grid. He isn’t hooked into the machine of what we call “normal”. He is doing his own thing. I admire folks like that, and I envy them. I know people who are able to support themselves by being drummers or blacksmiths. They are their own bosses. I like that kind of energy, that kind of chutzpah. I think it is wonderful to be able to be the person you were made to be instead of a cog in the machine.

But then I started to think about it. I have business cards too. They advertise my jewelry page called Beaded Retort on Etsy. It doesn’t get much traffic but it is something, and something is better than nothing. Soon I’ll have new ones that give the address for my blog. Perhaps this business card I got is the same. Perhaps he has a “real job” and the card is for who he really is.

We often work really hard at running away from who we are. We anesthetize ourselves from life – drugs, sleep, food, alcohol, too much television. I remember when I smoked pot all the time I was trying to stop experiencing how unsatisfying my life was. I smoked, and everything seemed better. But while I was smoking I wasn’t doing anything to fix my circumstances. When I came to, I was still in a miserable relationship. I was still in a tiny apartment that cost too much and had scary neighbors who yelled at each other and peeped in my windows. I was still working for a boss who alternated between being a bully and a tyrant. So I smoked some more. I finally decided to get a house, and realized that in order to do that I’d have to at least cut back on my smoking. It is hard to fill out legal paperwork while stoned. It is hard to get motivated to pack while messed up. TV sounds good. Eating sounds good. Napping sounds good. None of those things were pushing me forward – they were holding me back. They were keeping me in that pit. They weren’t generating any forward momentum.

I have a tattoo that is very helpful. I’d read a book called “Body Type” by Ina Saltz. It is all about tattoos that are words and they are often done in interesting typefaces. I decided to get my own example to add to my collection. But if I’m going to get a tattoo with words, what should they say? I decided to go with the quote from Lao Tsu – “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” While looking it up to verify the words, I found a different translation that I liked even better. “The journey of a thousand miles begins beneath one’s feet.” It begins right here. Right now. Just thinking about it, you have already begun. This helped me with my momentum problem. Perhaps it will help you.

Sometimes I feel that I’m just spinning in circles, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. You’d figure at 44 I might already know the answer to that. The comedian Paula Poundstone said that adults ask children what they want to be when they grow up so they themselves can get ideas. “Fireman? Yeah – I’d forgotten that! That sounds like a great idea!” This is funny and sad all at the same time.

I recently went through an exercise to try to help me winnow out what direction I’m going in. I had to name five different big things I’ve done in my life and then describe how I was able to achieve them. It didn’t matter what the things were – it mattered that they were important to me and that I saw them as landmarks. It also didn’t matter how I achieved them so much as being able to describe the steps. When it came to the end of the exercise I was asked what would be my ideal job. I felt cheated. I felt that this exercise was supposed to tell me what the answer is. This way I was doing all the work. “Physician, heal thyself” indeed.

I have a lot of things I’d like to be when I grow up. None of them involve being famous or rich. All of them involve being helpful but in a backstage kind of way. I want to wake people up. I want to help people become who they were created by God to be. Part of me wants to be something I’m calling an “art facilitator.” I’d like to provide art supplies to people who have a hard time communicating and let them learn how to express themselves in ways that don’t use words. I’d like to teach people that they are worthy of love and that their opinion matters. I’d like to be a peacemaker. I’d like to build bridges between cultures and religions. I’d like to know how to be helpful to people in crisis. I’d like to get across the idea of prevention rather than cure.

I’m somewhere at the intersection of artist and nutritionist and personal trainer. I’m something of a shaman and a paladin. I don’t know what this translates to in a way that means I can be self-supporting. I still have my day job.

I’m still not there, but I’m learning to be OK with that.

Hitchhiker art.

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Sometimes if you are waiting for the muse to pick you up and take you away to the magical world of “ART”, you are going to be standing on the side of the road a long time. Sometimes you need to just start walking on your own. This applies to anything creative – writing, painting, beading, music – anything that involves that magical alchemy of time and inspiration and work.
Sometimes where you end up isn’t where you thought you were going to go. Sometimes you’ll end up making something that is totally not what you planned on making. Sometimes what you planned to make isn’t possible. Art isn’t about the end product, really. Art is about the process. It isn’t about getting there, it is about getting on the road and enjoying the trip.
We all have different requirements to get prepared to work on art. Sometimes my favorite time making art is when all the materials are free or nearly free. I don’t feel so bad about working with them. When I have a really expensive string of beads or a large canvas or fancy paper I hesitate to use it. This is sometimes illogical. I’ve already bought it – so by not using it I’m actually being wasteful. But I feel like I need to make the best thing ever, so I hesitate.
It isn’t so bad with beads. If I don’t like it then I can always break it apart and remake it. I’m learning that words are similar. I can cut and paste them. I can start on a theme and work on it until it just doesn’t seem to go any further.
Sometimes I think of writing as if I have seeds. I plant them and give them a little time and work and see if they grow. Then when they have gotten big, I go back and prune them by trimming out the bits that don’t work towards the whole. Sometimes the seeds don’t grow at all.
I have many potential posts saved on my computer that are just a few lines. When I go back to look at them they just don’t seem to have any life to them. Then I’ll come across another piece that I’ve worked on before but didn’t finish. I’ll work on it a little more. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it isn’t ready yet. I’m learning to be OK with that.
I’m telling you this in the same way a magician tells you their secrets. There is no magic, and it isn’t easy. Nothing comes out perfect the first time. Anything good requires work, and lots of it.
Painting is different. You can’t reuse paint. I’d love to be a great painter. I’d love to be able to just paint what I see and have it look like a photograph. I’d love to be able to paint alien worlds to go with the fantasy words I write about. Right now I content myself with mixing paint into new and beautiful (to me) colors directly on the canvas. Nobody sees it. I’m practicing. I’m learning how the paint works. I’m giving myself permission to play. And that is important.
Kindergarteners don’t need permission to paint, and they don’t need instruction. Well – OK, they need some instruction. Paint on the paper, not on your friend. Don’t eat the paint. But other than that, they create with a true and clear heart. They paint for the joy of it. I think it is a good idea for all of us to reclaim that joy. Just start creating. Don’t worry about the finished product. If you worry about the finish line, you may never get past the starting line.
Not everything has to be awesome. It is good to get in the habit of making stuff. Paint. Bead. Sketch. Noodle around on a musical instrument. If you don’t work on your art, you will get rusty. Rusty things don’t work. It is a reciprocal thing. You get inspired and you make art. But you also make art to get inspired.
Sometimes I resent the time I’m at work. My favorite time to create is when I have a lot of free time and a lot of natural light. I like art to be unscheduled, and to let it flow where and when it will. If I have to keep looking at the clock (such as when it is a morning right before work), I will often lose my train of thought. Then I’m left stranded by the muse, back on the side of the road again.
I have some free time in the evening to make art. But I don’t have natural light then. No matter what they say about natural-light floor lamps, they aren’t the same. It helps to see the colors in natural light to know if they go together. But – let’s be honest. How many people are going to wear my jewelry outside? So really, I should design jewelry in fluorescent light (ugh!) because that is where it will be worn.
Sometimes I have to realize that I’m making up excuses to not work on my art.
Sometimes the inspiration only lasts for a little while. I have had a few trays of three-quarter finished jewelry projects lying around for a while. Sometimes it helps me to just pick those up on the abandoned-by-the-muse days and see if I can figure out where I was going. Sometimes they make good roadmaps, and I can follow the idea. Sometimes it doesn’t matter where I was going on that day. I can pick out the trail and go where it is leading me today instead.
Sometimes I will put out a few ideas to get an idea going. I’ve got the points along the way laid out, but I don’t know how to connect between them. Think of it as a physical journey. I know I want to go to Monteagle, TN and to Atlanta, GA, but I’m not sure how I’m going to get from one to another, for instance. I do that with beads and with writing. I’ll have a few major beads out in a saucer or I’ll have a few sentences typed up, with large spaces between them. I’ll go back later and fill them in. Or I’ll delete them.
Making art and road trips are a lot alike. Sometimes you don’t end up going to all the places you thought you were going to go. But you still have to go. So even if you get stuck on the side of the road, just go. Start walking. Don’t sit there and wonder what happened.
What do you need to feel creative? Comfy clothes? Music? Incense? Set the space. Light a candle. Make a clean space in front of you, dedicated to your art. Read a book on a new technique. Use your non-dominant hand. Go to an art museum – or read a magazine with lots of pictures that have nothing to do with art. Art inspires art – but it also can inspire comparison. “I’ll never be that good!” or “She got famous for THAT?” Ignore those thoughts. Make Your Own Art. However, it is OK to read other people’s roadmaps. There are plenty of craft books, magazines, online blogs, and websites. It is also OK to be totally random and go in circles. You don’t have to GO anywhere. You just have to go.
Really good art requires work. Isaac Asimov wrote every day. So did Robert Parker. Treat art as a job. Don’t wait for it – go out and find it. And keep on going, every day. It won’t be fabulous every day. And what you think is just so-so, someone else will think is wonderful. What you think is perfect, someone else won’t get. So just make art. What are you reading this for? You could be creating!

A study of suffering, and a call to love it.

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Something I’ve gleaned from reading Buddhist texts is that the way to move past suffering is to study it. Don’t avoid it. Go to the source of it and really dig down. Ask yourself “Why do I feel this way? Where does this feeling come from?” Find the source and root it out. This is opposite how the Western world thinks. We are more into the idea of not talking about it and it will go away. Sometimes we think we’ll be better off if we deal with it another day – and we think that every day. In that way you never make time to work on the problem so it just keeps getting bigger.

The idea of reincarnation that is offered to us in Hinduism tells us that if you don’t fix it you will live it again. Every new lifetime is the sum of all the past lifetimes. If you live selfishly you will not have a very good rebirth. Another way of thinking that they offer us is an aspect of the Divine called Ganesh. He has the head of an elephant. He is known as the remover of obstacles. He doesn’t walk around the problem – he goes right through it. By going right through it, he makes it possible to have a better rebirth. We are to follow his example and not avoid problems.

What if your next life is really tomorrow? What if instead of focusing on an afterlife, we use these ideas to work on the current one we have? Heaven isn’t a proven thing. But this life is – so it seems useful to try to make the best of it here. We are told that those who don’t study history are condemned to repeat it. Why not study your own history to see if there are any trends that keep popping up that aren’t helpful?

This is totally not the Western way. It also seems counterintuitive to turn into our own pain and our own problems. It seems like human nature to turn away from pain and seek pleasure. But what if the turning away ends up creating even more pain in the future? Scientists have shown that all the foods we crave when we are depressed actually make us more depressed. To get out of that rut we have to fight against part of our hard-wiring. Instead of reaching for potatoes and macaroni and cheese when we are down, we are better off if we go for a walk and eat an apple.

Jesus said to love your enemies. What if that also meant to love what is dark about yourself? Look at what you turn away from. Study it. Go into this with the knowledge that you are loved and forgiven – you are not alone. Whatever you find there in those dark spots may be scary at first, but if you stay with that feeling and really study what you find there you’ll find it isn’t as bad as you thought. Ignorance isn’t bliss. The more you do this the easier it gets. It creates its own energy. It is like cleaning house, but for your soul.

One great way to study these dark places is to journal. Julia Cameron talked about the idea of “morning pages” in her book “The Artist’s Way.” She says that you should write three pages every morning, without fail. Write about anything. Write about how much you hate to write. Write about what you see jumbled around you in your bedroom. Write about what you hope the day will be like. But just write, and write three pages. This exercise really shakes things loose and gets things started.

Writing a few pages every day is one of the most helpful ways to really dig into things. It is also a great way to see trends. If you are constantly writing that it is time to start that project, then you will notice that you need to put a little more energy into it. If you are constantly writing that your friend is always lying and stealing from you then it is time to find a new friend. Journaling is a good way to unwind and a great way to plan ahead. It is good for stress reduction and stress prevention.

Another way to work on problems is to doodle. “Praying in Color” by Sybil MacBeth introduces the idea that you can pray while drawing. Praying is a way of connecting with Truth. Praying is a way of understanding things in a deeper way. It is a way of getting outside of your own head and connecting with something a lot bigger. Praying is about digging deeper.

MacBeth says that you don’t have to be an artist at all to do this. You can take colored pencils or markers and just start making marks on the paper. There doesn’t have to be a plan for it. In fact, it is better if there is no plan. This isn’t about what you draw, but about what goes on in your head while you draw. The lines are not a map so much as the vehicle itself. Just think about the issue. Hold it in your head. And start drawing. Doodle around. Let the lines go where they will. Pick up another color if feel like it. See where the lines and your thoughts go. If you notice that you are going off from the subject, gently draw yourself back. One helpful thing is to write the intention in the center of the page and doodle around it. Something will come to you that will help you.

Walking is helpful too. I’ve learned that often things sort themselves out while I’m walking. This has to be walking that has no other distractions. Listening to an iPod is a distraction. I’m starting to think that reading fiction or watching movies all the time is also a distraction. It feels like they are ways to avoid dealing with what is here right now.

Nothing solves itself instantly. There are very few sudden insights to be found where the problem is instantly solved. But this is more like water working on a stone. The problem has grown over the years due to inattention. It will take a while to dislodge. But the more you work on it, gently, consistently, the more it will get smaller and more manageable. It is worth the effort.

Permission slip

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There are several things that I’ve done over the years simply because someone has shown me that I can do it. Either I thought I needed permission to do it, or I needed to know that it was something that a person could do on her own. I think there are a lot of things like that. I want to let you know that you have within you the ability and power to do a lot more than you think you can.

One thing that I do is cut my own hair. I learned that I could do this from one of my brother’s former wives. Julie had been a hairstylist and she had a cute new hairstyle one day. I commented on how good it looked and she said that she did it herself. This was an entirely foreign idea to me. You could cut your own hair? You didn’t have to go to a hairstylist? I’d never liked getting my hair cut anyway. I don’t like that weird backwards-washing-of-the-hair part. It always hurts the back of my neck and I feel trapped. I don’t really like all the small talk they expect. It also costs a lot of money, and then you are expected to tip. Added on to all of that, I have a cowlick they never seem to know what to do with.

There were a lot of good reasons to try cutting my own hair. I started cutting my own hair in college. It looked terrible at first, but fortunately weird hair is normal in college. Plus, hats look really good on me. Practice makes perfect, and now I can cut my own hair in about 5 minutes. The fact that one person told me I could do this has made my life easier and saved me a lot of money and time.

Another instance was with a friend who had a healing salve. I asked her to make some for me and she looked at me kindly and said that I could do it myself. She did me a favor by not making it for me. By encouraging me to make it myself I unlocked a hidden ability. I researched different herbs for healing. I went to a health-food store and bought the dried herbs and oils. I made my first batch with calendula, comfrey, yarrow, and hyssop. The next thing I know, I’m growing the herbs myself to make my own from scratch. It works perfectly for cuts and burns and bruises.

I’m coming to realize that the same situation is true with religion and faith. I’m becoming wary of a top-down hierarchy where everything is done for you. I’m leaning into the idea that God wants each of us to take on the task of helping and healing, and that it is a lot easier than we think. One way I’m working on this idea is through the use of anointing oils.

I got the idea of using anointing oil from two different sources. One was a lady in a religion class I took who brought some anointing oil to one of the classes and anointed everybody who wanted it. She would put a small dot on our foreheads or in our palms and say words to remind us that we are children of God. I had also read a book by Sara Miles, most likely the one titled “Jesus Freak”. She mentioned that in the food bank she works in she would go with anointing oils and anoint the hands of the workers. She wanted to remind them that their hands were a blessing to everyone that they served. With their hands they helped feed people both body and soul. Neither of these women were ordained. This inspired me. If they could do it, why couldn’t I?

I bought a small vial of anointing oil at a Catholic bookstore. It wasn’t in a special place that you needed any special credentials to buy. You didn’t have to prove you were ordained to use it. It came with a pamphlet on sample words to use when you anointed someone and how to consecrate it. I read all the preliminary set-up to see how to get started. I wanted to see if I could read between the lines and see if it could be consecrated by anybody. I felt like I needed permission. I didn’t want to do it wrong or do it in a disrespectful manner.

I had figured that a priest had to do it, but then there would be some explaining. If I took it to my priest to consecrate, I’d have to explain why I wanted it. I would have to explain why I felt that it was OK for me to go out and anoint people who needed healing. So, following my usual method of operation I read the pamphlet carefully. These lines stood out to me as permission to do this myself. “Those Christian brothers and sisters laboring for the cause of Jesus Christ, standing in His stead, performing His work on earth, should consecrate it and set it apart for its holy purposes.” I’m Christian, check. The description ncludes sisters, so it isn’t just for priests. Check. Desire to use it for holy purposes – check. Good to go. I felt like I was reading between the lines to make sure that I wasn’t doing anything in a disrespectful manner. I felt like I’m using the rules to break the rules.

Then I went to a lecture by Becca Stevens, who is an Episcopal priest but doesn’t wear her collar or go by the term Reverend very much. She was talking about her new book “Snake Oil” and selling healing oils that are made through her nonprofit ministry called Thistle Farms. She concluded her speech with the idea that it seems crazy to think you can heal the world with love, but why not give it a try? It can’t hurt. She had healing oils for sale and encouraged us to use them. We aren’t special, right? We aren’t ordained. But maybe, just maybe, because she was telling us to go out and use them, maybe we were OK. Maybe we were just given permission. Maybe we were just empowered.

What I want to let you know is that you have within you right now the ability to heal. You don’t need certification and you don’t need special permission. You have it by virtue of the fact that you are a human being and a child of God.

How do you heal? Look people in the eye. Remember their names. Smile at them. Offer to carry heavy things. Hold open a door. Every time that you remember that you are part of a community and you take time to help another person, you have helped to heal the world. Every time you remember that each person is a child of God and you treat them with love, you have helped bring this world a little closer to the Kingdom of Heaven.

I don’t know why we often assume that only ordained people have this power. In the Christian faith, we are told that if we are baptized, we are ministers. We are empowered by the Holy Spirit to be a part of the healing of the world. Jesus gave power to his disciples to cast out demons. In Matthew 10:1 we learn that “Jesus called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out impure spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.” (NIV) That power isn’t just for them. It is for all who believe in Jesus as the Son of God. I’m also going to go so far as to say it is for everybody, not just those who believe in Jesus. Go. Heal. Be nice. Show love. It may sound crazy that we can change the world by showing love, but it can’t hurt to try.

What is rude?

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Why is it considered rude to tell a total stranger who has initiated a conversation with you to stop?
Why isn’t it considered rude to initiate that conversation?

I was at work the other day and overheard a conversation that made me think about this. This guy walks into the movie section and starts talking to a lady he doesn’t know. “Found anything good yet?” She replied, but a little hesitantly. He then went on to ask her what kind of movies she liked and to tell her what kind he liked. Then there was a long ramble about having time to watch movies. He talked so much I thought he was flirting with her, and it didn’t seem like she was really enjoying the conversation. I got to thinking about this. Why didn’t she just say “Look, I’m not interested in talking with you.” That would be honest, but it sounds rude. But why isn’t it rude for him to start the conversation?

It is not uncommon for older guys to hit on me at work. These are often newer patrons who don’t know anything about me – not even my name. I have to wear a nametag so that really is lazy to not know that. Why would anyone ask someone out when they don’t know anything about them? Are they really that desperate? I wear a very unambiguous gold wedding band as well, so the fact I’m married is also not a secret. They don’t even miss a step when I tell them I’m married. One said “That doesn’t bother me and the crowd I hang with!” Uh, that bothers me. Another said “Well, invite him along!” Again, that is weird. I feel that hitting on me is a violation of my space. It seems to me that it is also a violation of social rules. Yet why do I feel like the bad guy? They are the one who crossed the line. Every interaction with them after that is really awkward – but it is their fault for hitting on me. I wonder if they fish like that. Do they use wide-range nets? That isn’t the way to get anything worth having.

Then I have issues with people who try to impose their tastes on me. Patrons assume that I like the same kind of books they like. Almost always they are wrong. I have very eclectic tastes. My tastes range from zombie fiction to religious nonfiction. I don’t read Christian fiction. I don’t read romances. I don’t read murder mysteries. But these categories are what people insist I should read. I always feel awkward when they tell me I should read whatever thing they find to be essential. Why do they think I want to read what they read? Why don’t they bother to ask me what I read first before they impose their tastes on me? Why do I feel weird telling them that I’m not interested, like I’m doing something wrong by disagreeing? It would be easier to say “OK, I’ll remember that” but I feel that is lying, and that it will encourage more of the same kind of interactions from that person.

Then there was a salesman. He was a regular patron and we had talked several times. Then he started a card business. He wanted me to watch a “short three minute video” to learn about his business. He insisted I take his business card. I wasn’t interested. I didn’t watch the video. I threw the card away. Then he came in again, and we went through the same thing. This time I told him that I didn’t want to watch the video. He said OK, but then he insisted on sending me a card to work. I thought, fine. If that will make this stop, OK. But it didn’t. He then called to make sure I got it. This was crossing too many lines. At that interaction I reminded him that I had told him that I wasn’t interested, but he kept pushing. I told him that wasn’t cool. He kept talking. I repeated myself that I wasn’t interested. I said this is not a way to run a business. He backed off, and I said I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said sorry at all. I was the one who was imposed on. I did nothing wrong. He was the offensive party. I said no and he didn’t listen.
Are guys taught that “no” means “try harder”? This is a recipe for disaster in a society where girls are taught to be pleasing and peacemakers. We are taught to not be pushy or aggressive. When girls finally gather the strength to rise up past their socialization and state their mind, it is a disaster when guys don’t listen and continue to push their own agenda. Whether verbally or physically, if a woman says No, men must learn that means No and they must stop. Their own desires are not more important. Both parties must be playing the same game for it to be fun.

I’m starting to see these conversational interactions as an invasion of space. In the same way I wouldn’t let someone come up and punch me, I shouldn’t let people come up and have a conversation with me that I don’t want. I often am surprised when people are rude to me. I am stunned that they are walking all over my boundaries. These are boundaries that I feel are perfectly normal ones. I do have an unusual reaction when my lines are crossed, however. For many years I would develop a sort of deer-in-the-headlights response to unprovoked attacks. Someone would just start yelling at me for no reason. I would then just stand there and take it. This situation then created a fear response in me. I would be shell-shocked and be afraid that other people would suddenly jump on me. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy because they would “read” my fear. Bullies can always read fear, and will take any opportunity to jump on someone they perceive as weaker.

Two things helped. One – I went on a drug that is for high heart rate and high blood pressure. But it is also for stage-fright. It stops the flight-or-fight response. My flight-or-fight was neither – it was stand there and take it. And at the same time I was watching the show “The Dog Whisperer”. He was all about the idea of having a calm assertive energy. It was amazing watching him walk into a room where a hyperactive dog was. The dog would see him and he would calm down instantly. People aren’t dogs, but they are animals. We forget that. We forget that we respond to unspoken clues all the time. We forget that we “read” energy. If someone acts like they are going to get jumped on, they usually do. If that same someone projects a calm energy, expecting everything to go well, it usually does. This is totally sounds like blaming the victim, but it works. You have the power to change your environment, but you have to take the first step of being aware that you can – and then being aware of how you present yourself. Sometimes it is also time to reinforce those walls.

Snakes and Scorpions

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What do you do if you see a child being abused? What do you do if you are the abuser? Some parents think that just because they aren’t hitting their children, they are not abusing them. Child abuse takes many forms. You don’t have to hit to hurt.

From the Gospel according to Luke, chapter 11 we hear these lines. 11“Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he?12“Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he?” There are plenty of parents who do give snakes and scorpions. They take the form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. They take the form of neglect for physical, mental, and emotional needs.

So many people don’t know where to go for help. So many people don’t know how to ask for help. There is a lot of shame in our society with asking for help. You may feel like you should be able to do it on your own. You may feel like you are admitting weakness. You feel stupid. You feel helpless.

But what is the saying – there are no stupid questions. It is stupid to not ask for help. It is stupid to try again and again on your own and fail and not seek help. There are other people who know what to do. Maybe you don’t get the right one on the first try. Maybe it takes a lot of work to find the right person or agency who can help. Maybe it isn’t exactly what you need but it is something. It is a start. Just the fact that you are asking for help is good.

I have seen more than my fair share of parents who are not very good with their children. There is nothing about having a child that makes you a competent parent. No magic happens that transforms your terrible upbringing into perfect parenting skills. Sometimes all the child gets is a warm place to stay and some food and clothes. But that isn’t enough. Children aren’t pets. They need a lot of time and attention and patience.

There is a lot of pressure to have children, and often that pressure is not helpful. Raising children is a very important job and shouldn’t be taken on because of peer pressure. People asked me all the time when I got married when I was going to have children as if my personal business was suddenly of public importance. I said that I wasn’t going to have children. They invariably answered that my opinion would change when I had one. Hmmm. What if it doesn’t ? What if I have a child and I still don’t want a child? What then? Would I become just like the people I see every day who are absolutely miserable being parents? I don’t just mean miserable at being parents. I mean the fact that they are parents makes them miserable.

It isn’t a joyful thing for everyone. It is very hard work. Something I like to say when people really push me on the subject is that I want to have a dog. But I know that I don’t have the time, money, or patience to have one. I know how much effort is required to raise a good dog. If I know I am not mature enough to have a dog, I certainly shouldn’t have a child. When people hear this line of reasoning they usually back off and agree with me about my decision. This conversation happens a lot, often with total strangers. I find it weird.

Perhaps this social pressure is harder than some people can bear. They decide to have a child even though they really haven’t thought it through. They have a child, and it turns out that they aren’t very good at being a parent. They growl at their child. Every statement to the child carries the feeling of “I hate you. You are a waste of my time. You embarrass me.” The parent may not say these words, but it isn’t the words that carry the feeling. It is the tone. Sometimes they do say the words. Sometimes every statement to the child is a yell. Sometimes the only time they talk to their child is to tell them what they are doing wrong. There is no patience, no encouragement, no building up. No wonder their children act out. They have learned that the only way they get attention is by being bad. Any attention, even negative attention, is better than nothing.

Sometimes the parents don’t say anything at all. Neglect is also abuse. There was a father I saw who was spending all his time texting when he should have been tending his daughter. He was sitting next to her while she was coloring but he might as well have been in another country. She was trying to draw a card for her mom and needed some help. She repeatedly asked her dad how to spell a word. I was nearby and waited to see what his reaction was. Four times she asked how to spell a word. Four times she was ignored. I became very frustrated that he was choosing to text someone rather than help his daughter. I spoke to the daughter – “I’m so sorry that your father has chosen to spend his time on his cell phone rather than help you. I’m so sorry that he cannot see you as the precious gift from God that you are.” Both father and daughter were initially shocked. The dad thought that I was chiding her for talking loudly. They came to understand that I wasn’t upset with her at all. I’m upset with him for failing to parent. He immediately put down his phone and helped her.

I have heard a mom call her young son “Little shit.” It was under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear it. I have a strong suspicion that this attitude is normal from her. I think some parents are simply unaware of the capacity of a child. A child at 4 cannot be expected to behave like a person of 30. They have limits. They can only handle so much. They don’t come out perfectly formed. That is the job of the parent – to raise them. To yell at a child for behaving as a child is a sign that the parent needs help.

Get off the guilt ride.

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Sometimes going to church feels like one big AA meeting. “Hi, my name is Betsy, and I’m a sinner.” Every week we have a confession of sin. One of the prayers from the Book of Common Prayer is “Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves…” The sad part is that I just wrote that out from memory. I can be having a pretty awesome week and there I am again on my knees saying that I am a sinner.

It softens the blow a little to say “we” so we aren’t just confessing our own faults but those of everybody. I’d said those words for years, but it was reading a book written by the Rev. Barbara Brown Taylor that opened my eyes to that point. Maybe it is kind of like Job. He did all the offerings to pay for his own sins, and then did some extra to pay for those of his children just in case.

But then it just gets into the whole nature of sin. Sin is sometimes defined as “missing the mark.” When you aim an arrow you intend it to go a certain place. If it falls short, it has missed the mark. The same is true of intentions. If you mean to do well but you don’t try hard enough, your effort falls short. Remember “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”? That. You meant well, but you just didn’t give it enough gas, so you didn’t get where you meant to. You meant to take food to that friend who was sick. You meant to volunteer in the school. You meant to donate money to the battered women’s shelter. You meant to be nicer to your coworkers. And you never found the time, and things got away from you.

How much of that is us living in a passive way? How much of that is us thinking that life happens to us, rather than us intentionally living our lives? And how much of that is simply human nature? Is that “sin” or is it just part of the baggage?

I remember talking with a friend who had converted from Christianity to Judaism. From what I understood, his biggest issue with the idea of Jesus being the atonement for sins was that we humans are by nature not perfect. We can’t be perfect. So why do we need someone to pay for our sins? He didn’t feel that Jesus’ sacrifice was necessary at all.

I have to admit that sometimes I think like this too. I’m more about Jesus’ life than his death. I see him as a great role model. He is a champion for the underdog. He showed love to everyone. He was all about telling other people that they had within them the same ability to love and heal. He didn’t just heal all on his own – he made sure that his disciples had the gift of the Holy Spirit within them to do the same. Thus, by extension, all Christians have the same ability.

Healing isn’t just mending a broken leg. It is also about mending relationships. It is about building bridges between people of different backgrounds and between people and God. Healing is about making whole. It is about making the hurt go away. I think there is healing that comes from letting people know that it is OK to make mistakes and that they are normal.

We try to do well, and we fail, and we try again. This is part of the journey. We can never be perfect like Jesus was. We can never ever get there – it just isn’t possible. So why do we constantly beat ourselves up for something that we can’t do? And why do we think that it is helpful to focus on our sins every week?

We are told in the 1 John 1:8 “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” But we are also told in 2 Corinthians 5:17 ” Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” So what is it? In which way are we deceiving ourselves? Are we deceiving ourselves that we are without sin, or are we deceiving ourselves that we still have sin after Jesus paid for them? If we are a new creation and our sins are forgiven, how does it help to beat ourselves up over it? If we can never be perfect because of our human nature, then why do we confess our imperfectness every week? Why are we beaten up for something that can never be fixed? And are we even broken to start with?

Yes, it is good to be reminded of the fact that Jesus lets us know that we are forgiven. It is good to know that everything we did and everything we are going to do has been paid for. It is good to be mindful of our behavior and to constantly try to do better. But it is also good to be mindful of the fact that we can’t ever hit the mark. We will be shooting that arrow every day until we die and we still won’t get it right. We can try to get it closer, but we will never win the prize. It is like playing a game of skill at the county fair. The machine is fixed. You’ll never win the fluffy gorilla. So maybe it is time to stop playing the game.