Thankfulness or Blessing – what comes first?

Posted on by | Leave a comment

What comes first, the thankfulness or the blessing? We give thanks for our food before we eat it. It is sitting right in front of us. But we normally give thanks for our blessings after we receive them, if we remember to give thanks at all. Often we are so caught up in the fact that we finally have what we want that we forget to be thankful.

But what if we are thankful before we get what we want? What if we pray our prayer of thankfulness even before we can see what we are going to get? What if we are thankful even before we know what we are going to get?

Jesus tells us to pray as if we already have received. In Mark 11:22-24 “22 Jesus replied to them, “Have faith in God. 23 I assure you: If anyone says to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore I tell you, all the things you pray and ask for—believe that you have received them, and you will have them.” (HCSB)

Then you may think, but I don’t have that much strength in my prayer. I can’t pray that well. I have doubt. It is hard to believe. In Matthew 17: 20 we learn from Jesus that not much faith is required. “For I assure you: If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (HCSB) Just pray for it, and know that God will do the rest. A tiny bit of faith is a lot in God’s hands.

Does God need us to pray before we get our blessing because it is already on the way? Might it be that we need to be prepared to receive our blessing?

I have noticed that when I pray before anything, I’m the one to change first. I start looking for God. I start looking to see where God is going to pop up and surprise me. I pray before helping patrons at work. I pray before leaving my house. I pray before meeting with friends. I am trying to be in a constant state of prayer. I’m not very good at it, but I’m trying.

I remember when I used to smoke pot. I’d smoke, and I’d wait to see what happened. Food would taste better. I could hear parts of an album that I’d never noticed before. In reality, all of that was already there. I just put myself in a position where I was looking for it. I expected to experience life in a different way. I think prayer is the same way. I think prayer opens us up to receiving God. We open the door and God steps in.

I think that God was going to send us that blessing anyway, but we just wouldn’t have noticed it. How often do we take things for granted? How often do we think that what we have is just OK and not that much?

I heard once that praying before meals proves that we are not animals. One goal in Judaism is to be a mensch, a real person. We need to become human, to win over our animal nature. The goal of true alchemy is to transform the lead of our animal nature into the gold of our human nature.

Praying makes us human. Praying makes us better.

So what should we pray for? A new car? Extra money to pay off our mortgage? The get-rich-quick pastors of the megachurches would tell you that. Their message is the “prosperity gospel”. The fact that it has to have an extra word to describe it should be a clue that it isn’t the Gospel of Jesus.

Pray for big stuff. Pray for things not for yourself. God is big. God wants to hear from you. That is part of why God made you.

Pray for nuclear disarmament. Pray for peace and understanding among the nations. Pray for an end to war and greed. Pray for people to wake up to their true nature. Pray for us all to take care of ourselves and our planet.

Don’t be hesitant. Pray hard. Pray without ceasing. Pray as if we already have it. And remember that God always answers prayers. Sometimes it isn’t what we want it to be – but it is always what is needed. Pray for the grace to be able to accept God’s answer. But most importantly, pray.

Renew, rebuild, revive

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Is it really possible to renew or renovate? Can you really ever make something old new again? Once it has worn out and you replace some pieces, it isn’t exactly like it was. It is a little different. The wood is a different kind. The handling is a little different. It may be “like new” but it can never truly be the same, down to the core.

When people try to reform a movement they are trying to renew it. They are trying to bring it back to what it was at the beginning. Their intentions are good, but they don’t realize it isn’t really possible. Things have changed. The times have changed. The reason for the movement that started it all off has gotten lost or forgotten.

We can’t really renew the church. We can try to reform it. We can try to rebuild it. We can try to take all the bits that work and piece them together like a jigsaw puzzle. We can take it all down and start again from scratch. Or we can muddle on like we are and try to reform it from the inside.

But one way or another, something has got to change. Too many people look at Christians like they are crazy, and with good reason. Too many Christians are filled with hate instead of love. Too many Christians think their obligation to God is filled if they sit in a pew on Sunday and then do nothing else the rest of the week.

What is the best way forward? Is it to go into the past and read the Gospels in the original Aramaic? Is it to pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit?

I write this not to attack the church, but to awaken it. I want this to work. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the work that he started and I believe that it can be brought to fruition. I believe that love can save the world.

This church, this Body of Christ, is one big dysfunctional family. It is going to be hard for some people to hear these words. Folks hate the idea that their family is broken. But pointing out that it is broken is the beginning of healing.

This is like being in recovery. When a person starts on the path of recovery, she often loses friends. Her best friends were her drinking buddies. When they see her getting sober and still enjoying life, they tend to get hateful. They rarely decide to follow her on the path. They’d rather stick with what they know, even if it is destructive and misguided, than go with something new.

So this isn’t renewal. It is revival. It is new life that I’m proposing. But to have a revival and then continue to do the same old thing won’t work. We’ve added too much to this thing we call church. The extra stuff gets in the way and slows us down. It doesn’t go where it should. We need to strip it clean.

The Lord’s Supper should be an actual meal and it needs to be shared with people who aren’t members. It needs to be shared not with the goal of making them become members. It needs to be shared because people need to be fed. There need to be no restrictions on who gets to eat.

We need to take out all the ritual and the magic show. We need to remove the hierarchy to show that everybody is equal. Everybody needs to be trained to be ministers. All of us have talents that are needed.

I remember a time that I was playing a game of volleyball with the Episcopal student group when I was in college. The priest was there with his son. His son was young and wanted to play, but because he was small his dad thought that he would get hurt, possibly by being tripped over. His son was very upset by this. I saw that he was very good at serving the ball – and I know that I’m terrible at it. I modified the game and made him the server. I explained that his Dad didn’t want him to play only because he was concerned about him getting hurt. This way he got to help out the game and not be in the way. Everybody was happy.

This is part of what we need to do. We need to look at what is essential, and change things. We need to make this work. We need to include everybody.

I’d hate to think Jesus died in vain.

TMJ as a teacher.

Posted on by | Leave a comment

I have TMJ problems. My jaw doesn’t line up properly. Overuse, and the ligaments in my neck hurt. The more I talk, the more pain I’m in. It isn’t a large pain. It isn’t terrible. But it is just annoying enough to keep me mindful.

I’ve become very conscious of everything I say. It is as if I have a bank account and I’m being careful of what I spend. Each sentence needs to be worthwhile.

I remember when a teacher in junior high had an assignment that we had to come up with a list of just twenty words. These were (hypothetically) the only words we would be allowed to say for the rest of our lives. This is something like that.

If it hurts to talk a lot, then you have to pick your words carefully or suffer the consequences. What do you have to say? What can be dropped?

This is totally in line with the Buddhist idea of right speech. Every word you say needs to be true, kind, and helpful. Is it necessary? Is it useful? Or is it mindless chatter, meant to fill up the silence? Is it gossip?

There is a great saying that “It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.” (Maurice Switzer)

There is a Ghandi quote as well that I’ve also heard attributed to the Quakers. “Speak only if it improves upon the silence.”

We are afraid of silence. We fill our houses and our heads with noise. We have iPods and cell phones attached to our ears constantly. Every store has music playing. The TV blaring on, all the time. When was the last time you were silent for longer than 20 minutes, and not asleep?

This disorder has become my teacher.

“In Full Communion”

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Why would anybody want to even think about joining the Christian church with so much animosity going on between the different denominations? We can’t agree on how we are supposed to love God and serve our neighbors. We can’t agree on how we are supposed to live our lives. We can’t even agree that everybody who is baptized can take communion. We don’t even call it “communion” in all churches. In some it is called “the Lord’s Supper”.

I’m going to use the word “communion” here because of the full meaning of the word. Not only does it refer to unity with God, but it also refers to the Body of Christ, which is the membership. The Body is made up of every person who believes in Jesus as the Son of God. In communion we are symbolically all eating at the same table as a family.

There is a concept that some churches are “in full communion” with other churches. In the Catholic Church, for example, only a few other denomination’s members can take communion at a Catholic church. Not Episcopal or Lutheran or Baptist or Methodist or Jehovah’s Witness, for example. In the Orthodox Church there are similar rules. This is really odd to me, since Jesus didn’t make up any rules as to who could take communion.

I can understand if they feel like they need to deny communion to people who aren’t baptized. I personally think everybody who feels called to the table should get communion, but I’ve already written about that. But going with the basic premise of baptism as being a public declaration of membership into the Body of Christ, then I don’t understand why a different part of the Body would say that another part isn’t included.

And there are other rules. Some say women should dress modestly and cover their hair. Some say that it doesn’t matter. Some say that it is OK to drink, while some say drinking will lead you to hell. Some discourage their members from questioning anything. Some allow questions but they are short on answers. Some are not allowed to vote, while some use their ability to vote to lobby for the social causes they feel are in line with their faith. Some are vegetarian as part of their observance. Some are heavy on the meat casseroles for potlucks.

Each different church has its own way of doing things and we end up focusing on the differences rather than the unity. And sadly, these divisions are what people who aren’t Christians see the most of. Christians are rude and divisive and judgmental and condescending with other Christians. They are exactly the same to non-Christians. Who would want to join such a dysfunctional family?

I remember when I was working at a craft store in Chattanooga and a coworker said that I should go to her church. I told her that I already went to church. She said she knew that, but she thought there was better preaching at her church. By “better” I got the idea that she meant “more accurate”. As if God can only be found in one place. As if God’s Word can only be found in a few locations at a time.

I went with another friend to her church one day and a lady in the pew invited me to become a member there. When I told her that I already had a church home I got the same kind of reply. It was that I needed to go to this particular church because the Word was spoken more clearly there.

God is so much bigger than that. When we reduce God to only being able to get his message across in only one denomination or only one building, we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. We are reducing God to our size, and forgetting how infinite God is. We are playing petty politics with God.

I’m embarrassed by Christians all the time, and I am Christian. These women were being rude and exclusive to me, and I’m in the club. Imagine how non-Christians would feel. Imagine how they feel when they see a person waving a sign saying that God hates anybody. Imagine how they feel when they hear a Baptist say that Catholics aren’t Christian. Imagine how they feel when they see how one church has rules on how to live life that another church laughs at. They have no idea what being “Christian” means, and I’m starting to think that we don’t either.

There are so many different denominations that the faith looks schizophrenic. Sure, we are all different members in the same body, but this body has a bad case of a seizure disorder. It does not work as one. We aren’t going anywhere. We are fighting against ourselves.

It is as if there is a three-legged race going on and the two people are trying to go different directions. But this race is divided up between a hundred different denominations. And even different parishes within denominations have the opinion that they have it right and the others don’t. If you say that your parish or your denomination has it right and the others don’t and just need to catch up with you, you are part of the problem.

What did Jesus say? Love. If it isn’t loving and kind, don’t do it. And I don’t mean “telling others they are wrong so they can get back on the right track” kind of loving. Remember the verse about the speck and the plank? That isn’t love. “Do unto others” is a good start. If you don’t want other people bossing you around, they probably don’t want it either, so don’t do it.

Let’s consider all those different rules the different denominations have about how to live your life. Concerning what to eat, whether to drink alcohol or not, how modestly to dress, or how to style your hair, just measure it against Jesus words. Does it show love? If you need to refrain from eating meat or you need to cover your hair to remind yourself to love your God and your neighbor, do it. But if these actions cause a division between the two of you, don’t. But then remember that none of this really matters. None of this has anything to do with what Jesus wants us do.

Forget about world peace. We need to get our own selves together first.

On interdependence – God needs us and we need God.

Posted on by | Leave a comment

We need God, but likewise, God needs us.

Carl Sagan tells us that “We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.” We are part of the cosmos – we are created from tiny bits of stars that exploded long ago and far away. We are undeniably part of this universe. We are created from its very essence and we also seek to understand it.

Likewise, we are part of God. We are a distillation, a permutation of God. Now, don’t get me wrong. In no way do I believe that we are God. There are plenty of people these days who say that simply because we have the light of God within us, we are God. I think it is essential to not confuse the creation with the Creator.

In Jeremiah 18:6, the Lord says “…You are like the clay in the potter’s hands, and I am the potter.” And in Isaiah 64:8 we hear “Yet Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You are our potter; we all are the work of Your hands.” We are vessels created by God, designed so that we can share the light and love of God in this world.

But it is also essential to not think of ourselves as dirt either. We are, every one of us, every person on this planet, precious children of God. We are forgiven and blessed and freed. We are created and called by God.

God needs us to do His will. We were created as the arms and legs of God. We are essential to bringing forth good in this world. Just like with vessels, we are meant to hold the God essence within us and take it to others and share it. We are meant to share love and hope and healing with the world.

It is all too easy to say “How could God let that happen” with whatever fill-in-the-blank atrocity or disaster has occurred. But really, the answer is “What are we, agents of God, going to do about it?” We are God’s agents in this world. We are the people who raise others up, who feed them, who clothe them, who comfort them, who teach them. We are the ones who stand up against injustice. We do this because God is moving within us, whether we realize it or not. Jesus tells us in Matthew 12:50 “Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!” (NLT)

I think it is helpful that we choose to do good in this world and that we choose to align ourselves with God. But the best part is that God is using us even if we don’t know it, and even if we don’t want it. I find it makes things easier if you know that God is in charge, that God is driving the bus.

In Deuteronomy 11:13-15, we learn this. “13If you will only heed his every commandment that I am commanding you today-loving the LORD your God, and serving him with all your heart and with all your soul-14then he will give the rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the later rain, and you will gather in your grain, your wine, and your oil; 15and he will give grass in your fields for your livestock, and you will eat your fill.” (NRSV)

So love and serve God, and God will love and provide for you. It is reciprocal, and mutually interdependent. Just like we need each other for survival, so does God need us. We are essential.

Remember God is always with you.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deut. 31:8)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

”Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matt. 28:20)

Filtered water (making ourselves better makes the world better)

Posted on by | Leave a comment

I’m having memories from when my Mom was dying from cancer. I’m not sure how much I can trust these memories. After all, they are nearly 20 years old.

But then I think about water. Spring water starts off as rainwater. It seeps down into the rocks and earth and hangs out for years, hiding out among dark caves and moldy leaves. It changes while it is percolating in the earth. It gets filtered. It gets cleaner. The impurities of pollution are stripped out of it and then it comes forth from the earth as spring water or a mountain stream. I think memories are the same way. They need time to percolate and filter.

When my Mom was sick and dying, I found it strangely easy to be with her in her pain. She would have a problem that required a nurse, and they would often take a while. Perhaps they didn’t feel her problem was an emergency. Perhaps she was last on the list because she was on Tenncare. It didn’t matter. She was having a problem and the nurses weren’t coming and she was getting anxious. Her anxiety was causing a further problem. Her tension from her anxiety was causing more pain for her.

I realized something at that time. I wasn’t the one who was in pain, and she was modeling after me in those moments of uncertainty. When I was anxious along with her, she would become more anxious. She needed someone to show her what to do. So I was calm. I intentionally kept my expression calm. I used a soothing tone. And she calmed down. Freaking out wasn’t going to make the nurse come faster. By my actions she felt better, even though I couldn’t fix the leaking chest tube or figure out how to make the morphine drip work properly.

There was something in that moment where I intentionally chose to remain calm for her that was healing. It was healing for her and for me. It taught me that our reactions to events are often more problematic than the events themselves.

I once had a summer job where I worked at the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC. I drove in every day from Centerville, Virginia. It was maybe 20 miles but because of DC traffic it was an hour and a half coming home.

One day I was sitting in my car on the way home, stuck in the usual traffic jam. I wasn’t tired or hungry, just bored. I made the mistake of looking at my watch. It told me that it was 6:30 pm. Suddenly I felt tired. Suddenly I felt hungry. I hadn’t felt that way just a moment before.

I realized something, and it is the same something that I’ve seen in Buddhism. Our minds trick us. It is better to be here, now, in the moment. The goal of Zen Buddhism is not to find enlightenment while peeling the potatoes. The goal is to peel the potatoes. I stopped wearing a watch from that day on. I have a clock. I pay attention to time so I’m not late. But the clock doesn’t tell me how to feel.

I catch myself all the time forgetting this secret. And then I remember and I pull myself back in. And somehow it seems to help others. I’m not caught up in the tornado of chaos with them. At least one person isn’t freaking out. And that sense of calm spreads, just like how it did with my Mom. You, just by being mindful, can be a healing force. Just by being fully present you can make the world better. It seems backwards – help yourself, and you help others, but it works.

Here are some of the ways I use to be mindful of the now and not get distracted. It helps to not watch TV. I’m only vaguely aware of popular culture. It isn’t real anyway, so I’m not missing anything. I read the news online so I can read what I want in the amount that I want, rather than having it force-fed to me via the evening news.

Regular exercise helps. Exercise isn’t a bad word, and it isn’t an extra. We have to move to prove that we aren’t plants. It burns out a lot of stress, and it makes us stronger and better able to handle life physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It doesn’t have to be bodybuilding at the gym – it can be walking every day and some yoga.

It is also essential to be careful about what we eat – as Michael Pollan said in his book Food Rules – “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” The book explains it better, and if you can get the edition that is illustrated by Maira Kalman, even better. (Her illustrations are beautiful and wise.) Greasy, fatty food weighs us down. And, being mindful of what we eat helps to bring us into the present. We are intentionally making ourselves better and healthier, bite by bite. Another thing I’ve learned recently is also from our Zen friends – chew your food thoroughly. We modern people tend to inhale our food. Chew your food at least 20 times and you’ll find out you are eating more slowly and better digesting your food. You’ll probably also find out that you feel full with less food. You’ll save money and lose weight.

You can make the world better through your choices. You can make the world better by making yourself healthier. It is win-win!

Now, I forget all these things all the time, and fall out of my routines. This is totally normal, so I suspect that you do the same. Just get back on when you remember and go on from there. We are all here to remind each other how to do this thing called “being human.” Sometimes I think I write these posts as reminders to myself on how to do it. I encourage you to be your best, and through that, know that you are bringing healing to the world.

Every day is the Sabbath.

Posted on by | Leave a comment

We are told to keep the Sabbath holy, but which day is that? Is it Sunday, as most Christians observe, or is it Saturday, as Jews and Seventh-Day Adventists observe, or is it Friday, as Muslims observe?

The early Christians decided to set aside Sunday to worship because that is the day that Jesus rose from the tomb, and they were getting a lot of flack from the Jews. They were convinced that Jesus was the Christ, so in their minds they were simply Jews who had found the Messiah. The Jews didn’t agree that Jesus was the fulfillment of the prophecies, so they chased them out of their synagogues. So the Sabbath got shifted a day. The Seventh-Day Adventists are Christian but follow the original Jewish Sabbath observance. Then we have Muslims, who pray every day but choose Friday as a special day of observance. It isn’t seen as a special day of rest so much as an obligatory day of prayer.

But then we have Psalm 118:24 “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Holman Christian Standard translation)

I tell you that every day is the Sabbath. Every day is a day to remember that God made you and everyone else and everything. Every day is a day to give thanks for all the many blessings of this life. Every moment of every day is a time to be filled with the knowledge and love of God. It is good to live your life full of thankfulness and awareness of God.

Why wait for only one day a week to praise God? Why wait for only one day a week to uplift your soul? Every moment can be a time of communion with God, even in the middle of a routine transaction at work. God is constantly seeking us, constantly desiring for us to be in communion with him. You don’t have to quit your job and join a monastery or a non-profit to focus your heart and mind on God. It can be done right now, right where you are.

Christian Sharia Law

Posted on by | Leave a comment

I’m very concerned where things are going in this country. I’m very concerned that certain religious groups are trying to make everyone in the country follow their view of what is right by enacting or supporting laws that are in line with their morality code.

What if vegetarians were in charge? There would be laws that nobody could eat meat. Everyone would eat only vegetables, and no animals would be raised in farms for consumption. Sure, they might allow cows to be raised for their milk, and chickens to be raised for their eggs, because they aren’t vegans. They would point out that a meat-based diet is proven to be bad for you, so they are really doing you a favor by not allowing you to eat meat.

Or what if recovering alcoholics were in charge? There would be no alcohol for anyone to drink. Making alcohol would be illegal. The entire idea of having a glass of wine every day for your health would disappear. I wonder what would happen to the Catholics and Episcopalians. No Communion wine! They would argue that they have to have wine for religious reasons, and the recovering alcoholics would get the AA to hire attorneys to say that drinking any bit of alcohol leads to more drinking, so it can’t be allowed. Bars would cease to exist. Distilleries would cease to exist. And there would be no drunk-driving accidents, and there would be no underage drinking, because there would be no drinking at all. Well, no legal drinking, because we see how well Prohibition worked, but hopefully you get my point.

What if gluten-intolerant people, those with celiac disease, were in charge? Everything would be safe for them to eat. Gluten would be removed from the menu of all restaurants. No grocery store would be allowed to sell anything that had gluten in it. Wheat farmers would stop growing wheat. Bakers would have to relearn their craft.

All of these things would be done with the idea that it would be better if everybody followed a certain group’s rules. That group has certain rules that it has to, or has chosen to, live by. There are certain things they can’t have, and they realize that they can’t have them for their own good. And because they are in power, they want to make sure that everybody else can’t have those things either. You don’t need meat, or alcohol, or gluten. You can survive without them. But is it the right of another group to decide for you what you should eat or drink based on their belief system? Even if they think they are doing it for your own good?

I’m embarrassed and frightened that American Christian lawmakers and voters are using their belief system as a reason to deny others their rights. Even if they think their rights are wrong. Or rather, they are doing it because they think their rights are wrong.

How is this different from Sharia law? How is this different from a Muslim-lead country saying that every woman has to cover herself from head to toe in a huge swath of fabric and every man has to have a beard? They are doing it for their own good, right?

Let’s try another tack. I personally am against abortion. I think that abortion is murder, no matter how you want to define it. But, I do not feel I have the right to force my view on another person by enacting laws against abortion. I feel that every child should be a wanted child. I feel that nobody should have to be pregnant against their will, and nobody should have to raise a child they aren’t ready for, whether emotionally or financially. So even though I’m anti abortion personally, I’m pro-choice legally. What I think is a better way is to encourage better contraception options. Prevent unwanted pregnancies before they start. Have better sex-education. Empower young girls to say no and mean it if that is what they want. Empower them to have sex in a safe way if they want. Teach boys to be respectful of a woman’s choice and to not guilt trip or force her into having sex.

So for Christian lawmakers and voters to not allow consenting adults to get married just because they are of the same sex is illogical to me. Jesus said absolutely nothing about homosexuality. He said a lot showing love to each other, and a lot about not judging other people. There is nothing “un-Christian” about gay marriage if you really think about it. But the problem is that many Christian lawmakers and voters don’t want to think about it.

They don’t want to think at all. And that is the problem. They let their parents or their husbands or their ministers or their friends do the thinking. This isn’t what God wants. God gave us brains to use. God doesn’t want us to be mindless.

The more I thought about it, I realized that I had to be pro-gay-rights because I am Christian. It isn’t our right to tell other people how to live their lives. Jesus didn’t do that. So much for the “What Would Jesus Do?” armbands from a decade ago. What did Jesus do? He wasn’t a jerk, wandering around and telling everybody that they were a sinner. He was there for people when they came to him for healing. He taught them that God loves them and forgives them and wants them to do the same for everybody else. He submitted to his Father’s will, ultimately and completely, and wants us to do the same.

That’s it. There is nothing else.

Jesus in disguise.

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Mother Theresa suggests that we try to see Jesus in every person. She said that it was her privilege to wash Jesus’ festering wounds and to feed him as a tiny abandoned child with AIDS. Essentially, we should serve each person as if they are Jesus in disguise.

I’ve tried this for the past few years at work and it is pretty amazing, and yet very difficult. Every now and then I want to say, hey, Jesus, can you stop being so weird?

It isn’t all weird. Mostly, there is a lot of good in this practice. Because I have changed how I approach people, they have changed towards me. I used to have a lot of people yell at me. They would come in already loaded up with problems, and they were ready to share. Anything and nothing would set them off. It always seemed random when a person would yell, and I began to get very hesitant around everyone. I expected to get randomly yelled at, and they would read my fear and oblige me.

So I tried Mother Theresa’s approach, with a little bit of “The Dog Whisperer” thrown in. Work with me here. People are animals. We are civilized animals, mostly, but we are still animals. We forget this. We respond to the same cues that animals respond to. So showing calm, positive energy is going to result in better results than showing fear.

Being interested in and calm around every single person I help is honestly overwhelming to do for hours at a time. I am a huge introvert. I like people and am constantly fascinated by them, and I like serving them. But I need a lot of quiet and calm to recharge after a day at work.

The difference in patron’s reactions to me is amazing, though, so it is worth it. It is as if I’m playing a “hide and seek” game. I’m looking really hard for the good, the light. I’m trying to see their soul, the spark of God that is within them. They respond to my curiosity by opening up. Their light may be buried under years of abuse or self-hatred or illness, but it is always there. Where there is life, there is light. Just searching for it can bring it out and make it brighter.

Jesus in disguise can be really overwhelming, however. Gender and age are illusions. She can be lonely and I’m the only person she’s got to talk to. He can be a new widower and on the brink of tears while he is signing up for his library card. He can be really smelly because he walked to the library on a Tennessee summer day because his car broke down and he doesn’t have air conditioning at home. She can be a young mother with more children than she has patience for.

Jesus can be a real pain when he is like this. I want to say, hey, Jesus, can’t you show me your nice side sometimes? Why do you have to be cranky and smelly and mean? Can’t you just be normal for a change?

And then I pray again. I ask him to show himself to me again. I ask him to work through me. I ask that my words be what this cranky, smelly, mean person needs to hear. I ask that I’m able to offer them a bit of healing in the time we are together. I try to be mindful and fully present.

It is hard. But it is everything. It is what each of us is made for, this reality, this presence, this moment when we stop being machines and we start being human. It is beautiful and real and aching and sad and overwhelming and everything we need to make this place we call Earth a home. Because ultimately it is all about a connection between people. It is about incarnate love, this love made real and tender and fragile and beautiful.

But it sure would be nice if Jesus would take a bath and use a breath mint every now and then.

Sanctified 2 (uncovering grief)

Posted on by | Leave a comment

I see a lot of people at my job. There are people from all walks of life who come in every day. In general I enjoy interacting with people who are so different and interesting. The people I see are old, young, poor, eccentric. They are pleasant, creepy, and wonderful. But every now and then I have a really bad reaction to certain people and I’ve worked on what my problem is. I like one of the “Rules for being human” that states that every person is mirror of you – whatever you love or hate in someone else is whatever you love or hate in yourself. So I’ve been thinking about that.

I’ve noticed that I have a terrible reaction to those who reek of cigarettes and those who are morbidly obese, as well as people who are alcoholics. I’ve wondered why I seem to have a visceral reaction to them. I get angry when I see them. I’ve prayed about this. I’ve journaled about this. I’ve finally followed my spiritual director’s advice and asked Jesus into this feeling to help me understand it.

I certainly noticed those who smell of alcohol and get only movies. It has become a cliché. They drink so much and so often that even if they aren’t currently drunk they still smell of alcohol. It is escaping from their pores in the way that any poison does.

With all these situations, I have seen a connection. With the people who smoke, who overeat, who are alcoholics, each is a person who has no self control.

Part of my reaction is that I’ve been there. I used to be obese. I used to smoke clove cigarettes. I used to smoke pot. I know what it is like to be an addict. I know what it is like to feel trapped in my own body. I remember deciding I didn’t want to smoke pot every day so I wrapped my stash in several plastic bags and put rubber bands around it. I then put it up on a high shelf. It was going to take a lot of effort to get to it.

And then I’d find myself standing on that chair. I’d find myself unwinding the rubber bands. I’d pull out my bong and my supply of buds and I’d smoke. It is as if I was possessed. It was like I saw myself doing these things. I was a puppet, a slave. I didn’t want to smoke pot, and there I was doing it again. It was a terrible feeling. I felt helpless.

At first I thought to celebrate these instances, of every time I’d see something that angered me. I’d see someone who was obese or smell the smoke or alcohol on someone and it would remind me to pray. So that was good. I was praying more often. I would pray for the person and pray for my bad reaction. I hated the feeling I had, but at least it caused me to seek God. This worked for a little while.

Then Grace happened.

I came to understand this was grief.

My Mom died from smoking cigarettes. My Dad died from smoking and from not exercising. He was obese. I was angry at these people who shared their bad habits because I’m still angry at my parents for dying so young. For abandoning me. For leaving me alone to fend against my predatory brother.

There is a lady who comes every day who is retired. She sits and plays games on Facebook for hours. She is so large that she has a hard time walking.

I’m jealous of the time that she has. I’m angry that my Mom died, and doesn’t have any time left at all. I’m angry that this woman is throwing away her time. It is personal. Not only do I want her to use her time better, I want her to understand that there are people who would love to have that much free time. Why does she get to live and my Mom didn’t? Why do I have to shoehorn in my creative activity and she has all this time and blows it?

It is grief. I’m angry at them because I’m sad for myself. I’m angry at my parents for not having any self control, and then dying young. I’m angry at myself when I waste time and I don’t exercise like I should or eat what I know is good for me. My gut reaction lead me to prayer which lead me to understanding the source of my pain.

Pain became a blessing, because from it, I’m beginning to heal.

I offer you these words to tell you that you can do this too. I offer you these words as a voice in the wilderness, calling out, telling you to walk through the thicket, the stickerbushes, the marsh. Walk on. There is hope if you continue to mindfully walk this path. Don’t sit down, keep walking, keep working. There is healing here, in this work.