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Euphemistically speaking

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There is a memorial garden in my town. It isn’t a cemetery, oh no. Nothing that gauche. There aren’t even gravestones. There are little metal vases to hold bouquets of fake flowers. So there is to the eye a field of flowers. Perhaps you have such a place too and haven’t even thought about it.

Have you noticed that people don’t die anymore? They “pass on” or “transition” or are “fallen” if they are military. Even more euphemistically we might say they have “kicked the bucket” or “bought the farm”.

Why have we sanitized death? It isn’t a reality anymore. We no longer think about it in a real way. We no longer see it. We are divorced from it.

Our family members die in hospitals, alone or with strangers. They no longer or rarely die at home if it is an expected death. Their bodies are taken away by other strangers, who wash them and clothe them and lay them out. They put makeup on them so they look “natural”, because it is important for us to have a good memory of death. They look peaceful, because that is what we want to think of when we think of death.

We’ve done the same with birth. It is far more common these days for a woman to give birth in a hospital than at home. This wasn’t always the way. Birth is now treated as a medical condition rather than a life event. Women are treated as passive observers and no longer participants in this experience. It is something that happens to them rather than something they participate in. Sure, there are some home births and some midwives, but they are seen as the exception rather than the rule.

Ignorance causes pain. The more you know about something the easier it is to deal with. The more we ignore our own reality of birth and death, the more anxiety we feel.

I am for everyone breaking the taboo about talking about important life events, and for being aware of the lies we tell ourselves.

I wonder what it is about the English language that we can’t bother to
actually say what we mean. When we go to the bathroom we more often use the toilet than the tub. It isn’t a bath that we need.

I’d never thought about it until I went to England and asked where the bathroom was. The clerk looked at me funny and said they call it the toilet. I winced. “Toilet” sounds dirty, vulgar. It is accurate, but so gauche. But he had a point. We do this all the time.

We have “correctional centers” instead of prisons.

We have “medical centers” instead of hospitals.

Newspeak is here, right now. We don’t even fight it. It is time to notice how we are lying to ourselves.

The running club.

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What if there was a running club that no longer ran? They sit around talking, wearing their running clothes. They really are proud of being runners.

But they no longer even plan runs. They no longer even look at maps of places to run.

They have scrapbooks filled with pictures of when they used to run. The pictures are faded and fraying.

Sure, some members go out for a jog every now and then. A noble few even do marathons. But most sit around in their polyester track suits and eat cupcakes and drink lemonade.

“We are runners! Running is the best way of life!” They happily exclaim to anyone in earshot.

New people join the club. They’ve heard about this running club. They’ve met all the champion runners in the place. Maybe they will learn some great tips. They are eager to begin running.

Years go by. Nothing happens. Their butts get wider. They start to get really inflexible. But they are in a running club. So they know they will start running. They are waiting for the right time to get started. There are committees about running. There are task forces to plan running.

Others, not in the club, start to notice that they aren’t running. They mention it, quietly at first. Then they get a little bolder. “How come you are a club for runners, and you don’t run?” they say. The runners are shocked. “Heretic! How dare you! We are runners! You can’t talk badly about us! We have rights!”

“Yes, of course you do, but I was just wondering if you were going to go running sometime?”

“We are runners, can’t you see that? We are in a running club. You are persecuting us.”

Letter to myself.

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One of my dreams is to make custom beaded jewelry for Nashville recording artists. I have no idea if this will ever happen. But I have to start somewhere. I make jewelry. I have it for sale online. I’ve been to craft shows and sold my work. People know I make jewelry. So eventually it will pick up steam and get going.

But I have to do something. I have to make the jewelry. I have to post pictures and descriptions on my Etsy page, Beaded Retort. I have to cast my bread upon the water. These things don’t just happen without some effort.

I want to write a book. But how do you write a book? Word by sentence by paragraph by chapter. Bit by bit. So every post I write is a step towards this. Who knows where this is going? I’m just happy that I’m writing again. And I like the fact that people don’t have to pay to read my musings.

I want to be a peace negotiator. I want to bridge understanding between cultures. So I read about different cultures. I take classes on dialogue versus debate. I’m aware of different conflict negotiation centers nearby. Something might come up that will be a great class at a great price.

I’m building connections with all these things. And I’m working towards these goals.

I’m reminded of the number of people that Jesus made work. They had to go do something to get healed. I feel like there is a reason behind my struggles.

I push myself. I feel like a baby bird, pecking away at the egg. Soon I will break free and flap my little wet wings.

It is hard for me sometimes. I’m quite the introvert. I’d rather stay home most of the time. I get overwhelmed with sensory input often. Because I’m bipolar I have to be careful not to get off balance with exercise and rest and over stimulation. But I know that if I stay home nothing will happen. I keep pushing, taking classes, meeting with people, going to shows.

I don’t really know where I’m going but I know I’m on my way. It is interesting, this journey. I feel like I am watching myself become myself.

Mother’s Day isn’t always flowers and candy. Sometimes it is painful.

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Today is Mother’s Day in the United States. This is seen as a day of happiness and joy, where we celebrate our Mothers. Moms usually get taken out to supper at a nice restaurant and get gifts of flowers or candy or jewelry.

But Mother’s Day isn’t all beautiful and easy. We pretend like it is. We fake it for the purpose of keeping the peace. We do that a lot. We don’t like to tell others that we aren’t what they think we are. We don’t like to admit our weaknesses.

There are those whose mothers have died. There are those who had a terrible relationship with their Moms and don’t talk to them anymore. There are those who never knew their Moms.

Then there are women who want to be Moms but can’t. There are women whose children have died. There are women whose children are estranged from them. There are women who have children and wish they didn’t.

What if your mother was abusive? What if she was an addict? What if she is the reason for your therapy sessions? What if your mother died when you were very young? What if she is still alive and very feeble and can’t remember who you are while you take care of her?

Mother’s day is hard for many of us. For many people it isn’t flowers and candy and hearts. It is painful. It is very sad. But we often fake it. We pretend that everything is fine. We don’t tell others our painful truth because we don’t want to bother them. We think we are alone in our pain so we don’t want to trouble others.

But what if everybody else is faking it too?

I was at a Chinese buffet recently and the manager and I have become friendly. He asked me what my plans were for Mother’s day. I decided to be honest. I tried to be gentle with it, because this information isn’t easy for others to hear sometimes. I paused, and told him that my Mom died when I was 25. This turned out to be a good thing to say. It somehow gave him permission to be honest about his mother. She had died when he was very young. She had cancer, and one day had gone to take a nap and just didn’t wake up. To this day he still misses her and is confused how someone can die so simply, without drama.

We were able to share a moment of being real together. In that space, in that time, we were real, and we were vulnerable, and we were both sad. But in our shared sadness we were stronger. We no longer had to carry our sadness alone. We knew that we weren’t alone. There was real beauty in that honesty and vulnerability and sadness.

Why do we fake who we are? Do we do it because we don’t want to rock the boat or upset the apple cart? Perhaps if we were more honest we’d actually be doing the world a favor. By being ourselves, we’d be giving other people permission to be themselves.

We will fake that we are straight, or that we live in a happy family, or that we enjoy our jobs, or that we like pop culture, or that we have lots of friends. We fake that we love what we don’t, and pretend that we don’t like what we do.

All this lying causes pain.

Perhaps we aren’t even aware of how often we fake being ourselves. It is often when people are faced with their own mortality that they open up and decide to be who they really are. Sometimes then it is too late to do anything about it.

So let’s try something. You are a mortal being. You are dying, every single moment. This life is an illusion. It is temporary. All the stuff you have is temporary. Nothing is permanent.

Yet, every single moment you have the choice to live. Every single moment you have the ability to move towards life, and be the person you were called to be. Be that person. Choose this time, now, while you can.

I offer you the best Mother’s Day gift ever – the permission to be who you were born to be, who you were created to be by our Creator.

It isn’t stealing if you give it away.

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Perhaps you have read about the New Hampshire man who recently lost his life savings on a carnival game. For some reason he thinks that he was cheated. There is something seriously wrong going on here, and it isn’t with the carnival game.

Perhaps it was rigged. That is par for the course with carnival games. It is how they stay in business. But they didn’t have a gun to his head. He felt cheated by them, but he let it happen.

The man is 30 years old, and his life savings amounted to $2,600. That alone is kind of sad. I certainly understand it. I’ve been there. This is the American way. Don’t think about the future at all. Don’t save, don’t plan ahead, don’t think about the repercussions of your actions. This is why people who smoke for years get surprised that they get lung cancer.

There is something very dangerous in this way of thinking. We are asleep when we think like this. But let us continue with the facts of the story.

He was trying to win an Xbox Kinect. They cost anywhere from $200 to $300 based on the capacity of the model.

He was playing a game called Tubs of Fun. The object is to toss balls into a tub. The problem is that the balls kept popping out the further he got into the game. He kept playing, and spending more money.

This is the very definition of throwing good money after bad.

He lost $300 to start off with. He would have been better off just buying the console, but by then he was hooked. He said “You just get caught up in the whole ‘I’ve got to win my money back.’”

Then it gets even worse. He went home. He didn’t keep working on impulse and the excitement of the game. He had time to cool off. But he didn’t. He got the rest of his money ($2,300) and went back to the carnival and continued to play the game. He lost all of it.

He did however win a stuffed banana with dreadlocks.

He contacted the police and is considering a lawsuit. The company that put on the carnival has since pulled the game and is interviewing the contractor of the game.

It isn’t the game that is at fault.

I find it doubtful that you can sue anybody for taking what you hand them. He wasn’t robbed. He got caught up in the game. He had time to cool off and didn’t use it. Nobody forced him to play the game.

“For once in my life I happened to become that sucker,” he said. “It was foolish for putting up my life savings.”

It is a sad story. It isn’t unfortunate. There wasn’t bad luck involved. There were a series of bad decisions. It is sad because he lost a lot of money for no good reason. It is sad because he didn’t know when to stop. It is sad because he still thinks it is somebody else’s fault that he threw away his money.
We have to stop letting ourselves be victims of our own lack of attention. We have to start being intentional. We have to wake up. We have to think about the repercussions of our actions, and our lack of action.

Life Hacks

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Consider this a public service announcement.

Toilets and gross personal stuff

Always live in a house that has two toilets. One will invariably break and it will invariably take a while for the plumber to come. Also, if you don’t live alone, it is also very common that two people will need to use the bathroom at the same time, especially after coming home from a trip.

Always make sure there is toilet paper in the stall before you need it. This is especially true when you are not at home.

Just go ahead and use the bathroom before you are leaving a place. You never know if there is going to be a traffic jam.

If female, place a towel under yourself while sleeping when you are having a period. I cannot believe it took me nearly 30 years to figure this one out.

Housekeeping

Whatever it is that you always wash together (towels, underwear and socks, jeans), sort them as you go by putting them in a separate bin. Don’t waste time every wash day digging them out of the pile.

Bananas are a real pain to separate when they start to get very ripe. Tear them apart from each other when you get them so you don’t end up with two that are “open” when you only wanted one.

Whatever it is that you use regularly, get an extra of it so you have it on hand when you need it. Nothing slows down a home-maintenance project like having to go to the hardware store. Sometimes it slows it down so much it doesn’t happen at all.

Only shop with a list. No list – everything is bought on impulse and you probably won’t pick up what you needed to get in the first place. Most smart phones have a list application. This is very handy – no paper to lose.

Take apart a bath puff to create a soft mesh container to hold and use all those tiny soap bits. This way you can use up every bit of a bar of soap. Just tie up the ends and you are good to go. This way it also exfoliates.

Money

Sometimes you need a check. Sometimes places won’t take a credit card and you won’t have enough
cash. Fold up a check and put it under your driver’s license. I have gone to restaurants that only took checks, and they didn’t post or mention this before I ate. I went to a doctor’s office that didn’t take cards and I didn’t have the cash for the copay. Worst situation – I went to buy a car and tried to pay for the down payment on a credit card (I wanted the points). No dice. Four hours of negotiating and paperwork for nothing – but I had one check. They took checks. Trust me on this one. Carry one check.

Always carry some cash. I have a 20, a 10, a 5 and some ones at all times, as well as some change. I normally use my credit card, but every now and then the credit card machine isn’t working. This is especially important when you need gas.

Pay your credit card off every week. Don’t accumulate a balance. The fees are exorbitant. Why should you pay extra for what you bought?

Get a credit card that gives you money back for using it. I make about $150 a year this way.

Relationships

This is not original, but I like it. Here are six things to tell your spouse in order to have a successful marriage – “You look great.” “Can I help?” “Lets’ eat out.” “I was wrong.” “I am sorry.” And of course – “I love you.”

Heard from our minister when we got married – “trouble shared halves it, joy shared doubles it.”

Never date a guy who drives badly with you in the car. If he doesn’t care about your safety, he doesn’t care about you.

When choosing a spouse, think of it as interviewing someone for a job. Don’t hire them if they aren’t willing to do the job you need them to do. Somebody has to cook, clean, mow the lawn, take care of the bills and deal with service techs. It doesn’t have to be divided along standard gender lines, but it does have to be done. Talk honestly beforehand about what you are willing to do and what you won’t do.

Some people will annoy you. They may not know that they are annoying. Tell them how you feel. If they continue their bad behavior towards you, then it is intentional. If it is intentional, it is abusive.

Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean they have the right to be abusive. If they are abusive, they do not respect you as a person.

Avoid tedious people who don’t respect you. Especially if they are family.

Health

When sick with a head cold – drink a lot of water. OK, more than that. 8 glasses is the recommended amount, and almost nobody gets that. Drink a glass every half hour while you are awake. Water is water – not Coke, not coffee. Take an Echinacea tablet with every meal. Eat a spoonful of local honey every morning. Eat an orange every day.

Prevention is cheaper than cure. Eat real food, not processed. Get regular exercise. This is more than just moving around. That isn’t exercise – that is proving you aren’t a plant. You need to work hard at least thirty minutes every day.

Exercise – Find something you like to do. Dancing counts. Nobody said it had to be drudgery. I do water aerobics, walking, and yoga. If you like doing it, you’ll do it more often.

You get out what you put in. Give it your all. Don’t waste your time going through the motions. Really try hard when you exercise.

Don’t make up excuses. Just do it. You’ll be happy when you are through. Skip, and you’ll feel bad. Trust me. I’ve been there.

Get a coat that fits and use it. Don’t wear your coat unbuttoned and then complain that it is cold.

If your hands are cold, it means your core is cold. Instead of putting on a pair of gloves, put on a sweater.

If there are medicines that you take every day, get a small container and put three days’ worth in there and carry it with you. Emergencies are bad enough but they are worse if you are without essential medicine.

Wear a hat. Not a ball cap. Aside from looking stylish, you’ll have a warm, dry head. This alone leads to much happiness.

Other

Take leftover containers with you when visiting family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. You know you’ll want to take some food home.

Find things that make you happy other than food. “Comfort food” can lead to a lot of problems if you need to be comforted with it a lot.

If you have to pick up or touch something questionable with your hand, use your non-dominant hand.

Travel

Pack a spare pair of shoes.

Bring a map, not just the GPS. “Lost satellite reception” translates to “lost.”

On “preppers” and making sure you have a future.

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I know someone who is a prepper. Perhaps you have not heard of this term. A prepper is someone who takes the Girl Scout motto of always being prepared to the extreme. Preppers often have a six month supply of dehydrated or canned food. They often grow their own food. They stockpile weapons. They take self sufficiency seriously.

Often the goal is to get “off the grid.” They will have generators or solar panels. They might have a well. If the electricity goes out, they have enough fuel to survive for months. And trust me, they do think the electricity will go out. There is a gnawing sense of impending doom that they express.

Some people aren’t preppers but they too are returning to the older ways and learning to grow and can their own food. They are learning how to sew their own clothes. They are getting books on homesteading but on just a little bit of land. Not everybody wants to move out to the country, so they bring the country mentality to the suburbs. They want to be self-sufficient, which is the opposite of dependent. They want to take care of themselves.

Much of this trend is inspired by mistrust of the government. They fear that the government is either too involved in their personal lives or can’t be trusted. People can joke about the “zombie apocalypse” all they want, but these people are prepared for that.

Yet this particular lady I know is really interesting. She does all these things, and yet there is something more that she is doing that has brought up a conundrum in my mind. She is willing to spend money and time making her home more accessible for when she and her husband get older and more infirm. She wants the house to have no stairs and have wider doorways to accommodate a wheelchair. But she isn’t willing to spend the same money and time to get healthy. She wants to make her house accessible, but doesn’t think about the idea of getting her body in shape so she doesn’t need a wheelchair. Somehow, that is seen as too difficult. She uses the excuse of her already bad health as a reason to not get healthy. She says she is too young to feel this old.

I went through every argument she had about her health and came up with solutions for her. There is always a way to exercise. But somehow, “exercise” has become a dirty word in Western culture. She came up with an excuse for why she couldn’t every time. If you spend as much time figuring out how you can, rather than how you can’t, you’ll get there.

She also uses the excuse of her hours at work to explain why she can’t go to the gym. You have to decide what is more important, your loyalty to your job, or to your life. Sure, you have to work. And sure, you may have made a career at this place. But you have to take care of yourself. The workplace won’t care if you wear yourself out and die early and miserable.

Your body is your home. It is important to maintain it. You can’t trade your body in for a newer model when it wears out. Sure, there are replacement parts these days, but they involve surgery and physical therapy. Remember in the movie “Zombieland”? The first rule is “cardio cardio cardio”. If you really think that “they” are coming, then you’d better get in shape.

We don’t need to worry about being invaded by another country or being bombed by terrorists. We don’t need to worry about Korea. We need to worry about Krystals hamburgers. Have you noticed the fact that there are calorie counts on fast-food menus? Sure, you can make better choices while you are there. But the best choice is to prepare fresh food at home. Sure, that takes time. But if you are truly a prepper, then it seems logical that you’d divorce yourself from fast-food too. Part of the prepper mentality is doing things for yourself and not trusting what others have done.

We are killing ourselves with our mouths. Our “eat like a kid again” mentality is killing us. Eat the chili cheese dog, the hot wings and the funnel cake. When you get heartburn, just take an antacid. Or get your heart valves replaced or have a liver transplant. Or get on diabetes medicine. There is something very dangerous about this way of thinking. It is backwards. Do whatever you want and take a pill, or have a surgery. It is safer and healthier to eat well and exercise first, but so few of us do that.

If you are really concerned about the future, then the best thing you can do is take care of your health. Make sure you have a future.

I know one lady who says she doesn’t have time to exercise because she had to take care of her child. If she doesn’t take care of herself, she won’t be alive to take care of her child. Right now, she already can’t do it well because she can’t even run with her child when she plays.

There is no substitute for eating right and getting enough sleep and exercise. There are no shortcuts to health.

My father had a doctor who knew he smoked. When my Dad complained about coughing, he was prescribed cough medicine. The doctor treated the symptom rather than addressing the cause. So my Dad died from a heart attack at 60. He smoked two packs a day and was obese. About a week before he died he said that I would be glad to know he was now eating eggs only once a day. I don’t ever remember him eating a vegetable.

The weird part is that we have gotten so used to people being obese that we see it as normal. We think only the people who are bigger than us are obese. And we think that the people who are smaller than us are too skinny. Just like in the story of Goldilocks, we think we are just right. But we aren’t. We are deceiving ourselves.

I am 5’ 4”. When I weighed 192, I was obese according to the charts. At 145, I’m just on the edge of “normal”. Between those weights, I’m “overweight”. That you read about who takes up two airplane seats, that person is “super obese” or “morbidly obese”. More than likely, you are obese and don’t even know it. Or perhaps you do know it, and have just gotten resigned to it.

Part of our problem is that we treat our stress with food. We get anxious about the future, or unhappy about the past, and we eat. We were taught this as children. When a child wails, parents often soothe them with food. It stops them from making noise. So, unconsciously they are teaching a child to self-soothe with food. If you have an emotional problem, eat. Our culture doesn’t like to deal with emotions at all. So we stuff them down, literally.

There is a way out. Get a book from your library about deep breathing exercises. Get a book about how to deal with anxiety. Often the only change you can make is to yourself. You often can’t change your job or your spouse or your neighborhood. But you can change how you deal with them and how you react to them. Check under my “resources” category and read the list of books I’ve called “Survival books”. Consider taking up a hobby like painting, beading, singing, or playing a musical instrument.

As for me, I do water aerobics and yoga. I walk 20 minutes a day at lunch. I changed how I work so I get in a mile and a half while I’m at the front desk. Every little bit counts. Sure, I miss the reading time. But I like to think of every hour spent exercising buys me two more hours of life. And my knees feel better, and my clothes fit better, and people are noticing that I’m in better shape. It isn’t easy to keep exercising. It was tempting to get to my goal weight and then back off. But exercising isn’t a luxury. It is essential. If we stop moving, we rust.

There was a lady who saw me recently and realized I’d lost weight, and in the same amount of time it had taken me to lose weight, she had gained it. She said “you suck” about my weight loss. This is a crazy way to think. This isn’t a game of musical chairs. The fact that I’ve lost weight doesn’t mean she can’t. She was feeling jealousy, as if I’d taken something from her. That entire way of thinking keeps her in “victim” mode. That way of thinking leads to death, even before you are dead.

It is better to do something than do nothing because you think it isn’t enough.

Are you freaking out right now, just reading this? Stop. Breathe. Repeat. Breathe deeply in through your nose, in on a count of 10, then out on a count of 10. Keep doing this. Every time you feel stress, remember to do this. It is a simple way to get control of yourself. Then go for a walk in the sunshine. Walk slowly, and look at things. This isn’t a race. None of this is a race. The future will get here, when it gets here. Make sure you are there to appreciate it.

Unplugged.

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If you don’t “get” a piece of art or literature that everybody else raves over, it doesn’t mean you aren’t sophisticated. This applies to everything, really. It may be the latest bestseller, or the latest style, or the latest TV show. Perhaps you’ve tried to understand the appeal. Perhaps you’ve even faked that you like it. Perhaps you’ve hidden what you truly like because it isn’t “in.”

Please stop doing this.

What if everybody else is faking it too?

Wouldn’t it be better if everybody was honest? Sometimes what is popular really isn’t that great. Sometimes what is “high art” really doesn’t make sense. Sometimes what is fashionable is really quite ugly and painful to wear.
It is far better to wake up from the mass delusion of popular culture and just like what you like. Maybe the artwork or the novel or the clothing style doesn’t speak to you because it doesn’t actually have anything to say. It isn’t your lack of class that is the problem.

It is entirely possible that the art piece that you don’t understand is just as incomprehensible to everyone else, and they are faking it too. Perhaps it is just blobs of paint on a canvas, and there is no real meaning there. It is entirely possible that the modern day bestseller really isn’t that good, and the plot is terrible, and the writing is infantile.

There are plenty of famous classic works that aren’t that good that we were forced to read in high school. These works have killed off more passion for reading for fun than they have inspired new readers.

It is perfectly OK to buy all your clothing from Goodwill. It is perfectly OK to drink white zinfandel from a box. Be yourself. By being who you are, instead of buying into the mass delusion of what is “good” (that really isn’t), you’ll actually feel better, and you’ll give other people permission to be themselves too.

How do you divorce yourself from popular culture? For starters, stop watching television. Perhaps that is too radical for you. Try this – pick one night a week and turn the TV off. Read a book. Play a board game. Do something not electronic. The further you can get from the television the better. You’ll no longer have “your” thoughts created for you. Work up to unplugging the TV entirely. You’ll find you have more time to do everything else that you love to do but haven’t found time to do. The TV is a chain around our necks. The same is true for Facebook. Both can be useful tools, but they are more often huge time-sucks. Time is in short supply. Be mindful how you use it, or it will get away from you.

Look at what everybody is raving over and really examine it. The fact that it is popular is a clue that maybe there isn’t really anything there. It is part of the delusion. It has been marketed as “popular,” but not “meaningful.” Don’t waste your precious time on something just because everybody else is doing it.

Western culture has pushed a sense of entitlement on us. We are taught that we deserve the best. We are taught that we need to have the latest, hottest, coolest thing. We then are suffering from our excesses. We go into bankruptcy. We are obese. We have huge houses yet no place to live in them because of all the stuff we have. Our stuff isn’t real. It isn’t what we want. It is what we are told that we want.

We don’t need to have manicures and pedicures. We don’t need to wear makeup. These are things that are pushed on us to teach us that we aren’t good enough on our own. These are prosthesis, when none are needed. We are taught that we need to color our hair so nobody sees the grey. We are taught that we need to do so many things to our bodies so that we look “normal.” We are normal, the way we are.

It is hard at first to break free from the hive mind. But the more you become yourself, the more you help others do the same. I encourage you to be you. You are the only you there is. Celebrate that fact.

Turn off the autopilot. (musings about why people seem to worry about the fact that I don’t have children and don’t go to church any more.)

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I don’t have children, and I no longer go to church. Somehow these facts seem to bother people. I’ve started to wonder why they seem so upset when they find this out. So this is an attempt to work that out. I’ll talk about not having children first because I’ve dealt with those questions a lot longer.

People tend to freak out a little when I tell them that I don’t have children. They aren’t really sure how to process this. Surely I want children, right? They wonder if perhaps there is something wrong, some biological reason that I don’t have children. They start to get concerned.

When I tell them that, no, there isn’t anything wrong, I just don’t want children, they get even more concerned. They feel a need to reason with me. “Your feelings will change once you have them” they say. My answer is “But what if they don’t?” Children aren’t like puppies. You can’t give them back. There are way too many unwanted children as it is. Why would people find it necessary to talk someone who doesn’t want to have children into having children?

Yet, for some strange reason people feel it necessary to try to talk me into having children all the time. The oddest part is when they try this after complaining about their own children, and about how hard it is to have time for themselves.

The worst time was right after I got married and everybody thought my fertility was their business. I can understand family members and friends asking if I’m going to have children. I do not understand why strangers think it is something they can ask about. It doesn’t concern them.

There are way too many people on this Earth as is. You’d think that there would be a push for people to stop having children, to reduce the impact on the Earth. Too much demand (people) and not enough supply (natural resources) is a bad combination. Yet we in American society seem stuck on the idea that having two children is a great idea.

The best answer I’ve come up with is this (and again, I shouldn’t have to defend my decision), I tell them that I want a dog. But dogs require a lot of time and money and patience. I know I don’t have any of those things. So if I am not mature or stable enough to have a dog, I certainly shouldn’t have a child. People then agree with me. They say they are glad I have thought about it. I had thought about before explaining it to them, and they weren’t glad at all. I had to justify my decision to them.

So my question is why do they feel it is their right to challenge me on this? Are they afraid of their own decision to have children? Does the fact that I don’t want children make them feel self-conscious? Or perhaps they were unconscious about having children. They did it because that is what you do. They didn’t realize that they didn’t have to have children – it is an option.

I think it is terrible to have children when you aren’t mentally, emotionally, or financially capable of properly raising them. Children are a huge responsibility, and require parents to be totally self-less. Children are dependent on their parents for many years. If they are raised by immature parents, they suffer for the rest of their lives.

I feel there are way too many people who have had children just because that is what you do. Perhaps they got challenged by well-meaning family and strangers and they didn’t have an answer. Perhaps the unthinking questioners need to start thinking about their questions.

Are we suffering from some sort of psychosis? Why do we keep doing the same things just because we’ve always done it that way? Why are we unable to change what are obviously bad habits? They need to stop being habits and start being intentional actions.

I’m beginning to experience the same thing with church. When people find out that I’m no longer going to the church I’ve gone to and been very active at for three years, they ask where I am going instead. I’m not. I’m revising my whole perspective on church. I don’t think there is any church that fits the bill. So I’m studying and praying and walking this journey with the Spirit. I’m staying at home during the church hour and reading religious books. I’m not confining myself to one particular tradition.

That alone freaks people out. It freaks me out, truth be told. But I’m in good company. There are countless people in the Bible who walked away from everything they knew, all the usual trappings of life, and walked out in faith. We read about them every week, yet most people aren’t brave enough to see them as role models.

I think if children are a huge responsibility, then the care of your immortal soul is even more important. Life is precious and shorter than we realize. It is important to be the person God made us to be. That is never one-size-fits-all.

You’d think with so many denominations, there would be a good match, or at least a near fit for everybody. But sometimes the near fit just isn’t close enough. It chafes. It causes blisters. It rubs you the wrong way.

This is not because of the rules. We all need rules otherwise we grow up wild. It is because what is said in the Bible isn’t what is practiced. There are too many people in church who feel fully justified in their homophobia. There are too many people in church who feel uncomfortable if someone who doesn’t look like them (read “white, middle class”) comes in the doors and sits next to them in the pew.

For me, right now my issue is with the entire structure of church. I feel that ministers hold all the power, and don’t teach their parishioners how to connect with God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The ministers don’t equip the parishioners to be ministers. Perhaps it is an ego-trip.

I recently read this quote on a Facebook meme. “People may hate you for being different and not living by society’s standards, but deep down, they wish they had the courage to do the same.” While the author is unknown, the sentiment rings true. Perhaps this is the answer. Perhaps people freak out when I tell them I don’t have children and I don’t go to church because deep down, they wish they could do the same.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t have children. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t go to church. I’m saying that both of these things should be conscious decisions. They should be well thought out, and not done because that is what everybody else is doing.

Life is too short to run it on autopilot.

Sheep.

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There is the parable of the lost sheep. Jesus as the shepherd goes after the one. Every one is important. This lesson is used to remind us of how much God loves us. He cares for us personally, intimately, wholeheartedly.

There is a concern I’m hearing about me leaving church. It is the concern that I am the lost sheep. The only problem with that is that I’m not a sheep. Or maybe I am – it depends on your definition of sheep.

Most people feel that sheep are very docile. They are seen as soft and sweet. In the cartoons they are depicted with big smiles. Sheep need a shepherd because they aren’t smart enough to get where they should be on their own.

In that sense, of course people should worry about me. In that sense, I’m a danger to myself if I wander. I could get lost. I could get hurt. I could fall into a ravine. Or worse, I could wander around aimlessly and never return.

This image of sheep is a false image. Have you ever gotten face to face with a sheep? They are not fluffy and sweet. They are fierce. They will face you down if you dare to get in their area. Sheep are not what you think. They are so much more.

When I went to Great Britain with my aunt we spent a lot of time in the country. We saw sheep from afar mostly, but one time I wanted to see a Roman ruin that was in the middle of a pasture. Those sheep were not happy with me being there. They faced me off. Sheep don’t smile. They glower. That was a terrifying experience. And an enlightening one. It let me know from personal experience that everything I’d been told about sheep wasn’t true, in the least.

Sheep need a shepherd? No. Sheep are able to get by just fine on their own, thank you very much. It is more honest to say that the shepherd needs the sheep. The sheep are his livelihood. He trains them to be dependent on him so that they don’t get ideas about wandering.

Jesus says that his sheep know his voice. They come to him when he calls. Have you ever thought that when a person leaves a church it is for that very reason? They don’t hear their master’s voice in that church. They leave because they want to follow Jesus, and they realize they aren’t hearing him while stuck inside a building, going through the same old rituals that have been performed for 2000 years.

I’m not saying that folks in my old church aren’t getting what they need there. I’m saying that I’m not. I’m saying that the closer I get to Jesus, the further I want to run from church. All church. The entire idea of church. But I don’t want church as it is. Church as it is feels dead. The Body is on life support. It isn’t alive.

I want community. I want sharing. I want natural growth and support. I want there to be no leader. I want everybody to participate. I want no money to be used for this. I want people to work hard on their faith and their life. I want people to listen to each other honestly and with caring. I want dialogue. I want people to feel free to share their different viewpoints.

Hurray for sheep. They aren’t what you think they are. They are much more.