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Writing has saved me.

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Writing has saved me. It is my way out of a hard situation. It helps me find words when I have none. It helps me understand and unravel problems.

I feel like I’ve always written. Anybody who says that they are jealous of how I write doesn’t understand how much work is involved. Writing is just like any skill. You have to do it to get better at it. The more you do it, the better you will get. If you want to be better at writing, then you write. A lot.

There are certainly times where I think that what I’ve written is kind of boring, and other times where I think I’ve written something essential. There are times where I think that a piece isn’t quite finished or doesn’t quite say what I want it to, but I post it anyway. There are themes that I will revisit over and over because I still don’t think I have cracked that nut.

I think the point is to keep writing, and keep posting. If I keep a piece until it is perfect, I’ll never post anything. Perfect is relative. What makes sense to me is ignored by others. What is confusing to me is totally understood by others.

I write to stay sane. I write because to not write means that I’m not thinking about what is happening in my life and what has happened to me to get me here. I think writing keeps me conscious and mindful.

Sometimes I think that writing is a way to get into a problem, and sometimes I think it is a way to get away from a problem. The more I write, the more I’m not experiencing life, right? Or, the more I write, the more I’m paying attention. It is hard to tell. I write anyway.

I’m trying to establish a balance, so that I don’t write about everything and all the time. I need to soak up some experiences and let them marinate and ferment a bit before I put them down on paper. But then, writing is also about fully digesting an experience. It forces me to slow down and look at it from all angles. In that, writing is a lot like drawing. When I draw something, I have to slow down and really see it.

When I’m not writing I’m thinking about writing.

I’m grateful I’ve figured out a way to write at work, because it takes the edge off the amount of time that I spend here. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful to have a job. I’d just like it if it was more like 30 hours instead of 40. Then I would have more time to live my life.

Every now and then I get really resentful of all the time my job takes from me. If my life span is anything like my parents then I’ll not have any time to myself all. They died before they retired.

I write about things I’m happy about and things I’m afraid of. I write to let other people know landmarks and milestones to look out for. I write to stay alive.

It isn’t the product that really matters sometimes. It is the production. It is the fact that I’m making time to think in this way. Writing is a meditation. It is a retreat in the truest sense. It is getting away from things just long enough to get a good perspective on them. It is making time to really see things like they are. It is digging up the roots.

I think that learning to dig up the roots of feelings has really been the most useful thing I’ve learned this year. Instead of just experiencing my feelings and reactions, I’m tracing them backwards and figuring out where they come from. Who taught me to feel that way? Is that feeling helpful now? Is it even an appropriate reaction? Does it still serve me? Does it prevent me from fully appreciating the situation as it is? Does it mean that I’m missing part of the full picture?

I think that writing has most taught me to see everything new, and now.

Is writing the best way to do that? No. The best way is whatever works for you. You can get there a lot of ways. The important thing is that you get there, to that space in your head where every moment is lived fully and appreciated.

Audience

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Who is my audience? Who reads this? Who “gets” what I write? And does it affect what and how I write?
I am my first audience. I write to understand things. Writing helps me to clear my head. Writing is how I define myself – it is how I understand what I’m thinking, and it is a descriptive. I write in order to be me. But I don’t write about the same things all the time. I write poetry, “progressive” Christian commentary, what it is like to be an adult survivor of an abusive family, Bible study, and political pieces about modern culture and what it is like to be female. That is a pretty broad range, and there aren’t that many people that will like each thing. I write about whatever comes to my mind that I want to understand. I also write about things that I think are helpful to others, things that may give them a signpost in an often confusing world.
I feel that sometimes I have something really important to say. Sometimes I feel like I want to shout from the rooftops – hey – look at this, here’s a connection that has just come to me and it will make so many lives easier! I sometimes don’t feel like they are my words. I feel like I’ve found a treasure rather than created one. Writing is like that sometimes. It isn’t always a process of creation but discovery. Sometimes these discoveries are pretty amazing.
My audience is small. It is highly unlikely that the right person will get this information. My audience is varied – all over the world. I look at the profiles of every person who “follows” my blog. I give thanks for each person who has decided that what I have written is worthwhile enough to want to read it on a regular basis. I keep a list of every person that I personally have sold a book to for the same reason.
I don’t feel that what I write is “mine”. I feel that I am a receptacle. I feel that I am a channel. I feel that God uses me (and everyone else) to reveal things. Sometimes I’m not very good with conveying the information. That is why I write every day. I want to get better. Writing is just like any other exercise. You have to do it a lot to get good at it. What is the point of having information if you can’t convey it to others in a way they can understand it?
But I think that is part of faith and trust. I think that if God wants this information to get to others, God will make it happen. I think writing a blog is a great idea. You can write a book, but then you are dependent on a publisher accepting it and then printing it and then distributing it. You have to rely on people being able to get to a bookstore and being able to afford it, or having a library nearby. With a blog, whatever you produce is right there, available, no waiting, to anyone with an Internet connection.
Admittedly, that isn’t everyone. Not everyone has electricity. Not everyone has the infrastructure to have high-speed Internet. Not every government is OK with the free exchange of ideas. Just looking at the map of who has read my blog reminds me of this.
But I think that part of all of this is that I just have to do my part. I have to show up, and receive what I can, and offer it forth in the best way I can, and let it go. Just like casting bread upon the water I have to trust that it will get to where it needs to go.
Would it help if I had more followers? Would that encourage me, or hinder me? Would I get bolder, or more hesitant? Would it help if more people “liked” my posts? Would that mean I’d write more things like that, or less? Would it help if I posted some of my posts on larger sites? Would that change my audience, and then change how and what I wrote?
I think it is best to just write, a not worry about it. I don’t make any money on writing a blog, and in a way I think that keeps me honest. Nobody can “buy” my words. I don’t have to change what I write to suit anybody. While it would be nice to get a little money from this, I feel that isn’t fair in a way. I feel that I get the information for free, so I should give it out for free. But then, there is the time I take to write it – isn’t that worth something? But that too, was given to me by God.
Not everything I write is divinely inspired. Some of it just is rambling and wondering out loud. Perhaps it sounds strange to say that I feel that God inspires some of what I write. But to me it sounds humble – it is giving credit where credit is due. To take the credit for a connection that came to me out of the blue is to lie, in my opinion. I’m sure that some people will think it is vain to say that God inspires me (and others – I’m not alone) but to me it is the exact opposite.
I write all the time. I write every morning. I write while I’m walking at lunch. I write while I’m waiting in doctor’s offices. I write while I’m going somewhere if I’m the passenger. (Long road trips are great). I write if I’m on retreat. I write at work when it is a quiet time and I’m caught up. I keep a notepad with me all the time for ideas.
I pray to be a worthy receptacle, and that God is able to help people through me. I pray that I can help encourage others through my words, and to open doors for them to shed light on confusing ideas. I pray that I can let them know that they aren’t alone in their struggles, and to keep on working on it and through it.

Goal

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I started my blog 12-29-12. I started writing “notes” on Facebook in February, 2012. They were the precursor to my blog. They were a way to get out ideas and share them with a (hopefully) friendly audience. I’d planned on staying with that way of posting my thoughts and then a couple of things happened.

Facebook changed again and made it harder to find the “notes”. And I discovered that I wanted to share certain posts with people who weren’t my “friends” on Facebook. It was either get them to be “friends” or open up my posts to the web. It seemed that starting a blog was the best answer. I was surprised when strangers started reading my blog, and started subscribing to it.

I am grateful for every person who subscribes, and I look at the profile of each one. I know that some will subscribe for one thing and then I’ll post something entirely different. I know that I can’t be everything to everyone. Some subscribe after I post a poem, some after I post a word of encouragement. Then I’ll post something about my abusive childhood and I’m sure it is hard to read. It is hard to write, but it is healing. Recently I’ve figured out how to create posts with a lot of pictures so I can have a little scrapbook of adventures I’ve gone on and things I’ve seen. I’m sure that some people want my posts to be the same as what they originally read.

The fact is that the blog isn’t for them, really. It is for me. It is nice if other people want to read along, but I’m not going to create it any one particular way for any one particular audience. It is an organic, evolving thing. There are repeating themes, certainly, but if it were the same all the time that would be a waste of my time.

I like to be surprised by life. I’m the kind of person that wonders why people read the same books over and over again. There are some books where it really is the same story but just different character names and different cities. I guess some people like the familiarity of it all. Perhaps it makes them feel safe.

That bores me. A lot. Sure, I like some things to stay the same, and in many ways I hate change. But I also like to learn new things and stretch my boundaries and experiences.

As of today, I have 480 posts. Currently I have 159 followers. I average about 20 visitors a day, and each one looks at an average of two things. There have been over 14,000 views of my posts. One particular one has been read over 5,000 times, and still is getting noticed. I’m constantly surprised at what people are finding and rereading.

I have a goal of having 500 posts by the time of my anniversary of creating this blog, and that seems really easy. I had thought that I started it sooner, but I have over a month before I get to that date. At the rate I’m going, I’ll be over it by then. I didn’t have a goal of any amount at all when I started. My goal when I stated was just to have a blog.

I’d started with the idea of posting at least three times a week. Ideally, I wanted to post at least once a day. I started small so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. I know that if I put a huge goal in front of me I may never get there. If I break it up into manageable pieces I’m more likely to do it. I now post an average of two things a day, sometimes four or five.

I’ve learned how to write all the time. I’ve learned that I don’t have to have an hour to sit down and write. I can write a little something while I’m walking at lunch. I can write while waiting at a doctor’s office. I can write while I’m in line at the post office. My phone and my Kindle are both great tools, and I have a running list of idea “seeds” to pick from. Writing used to be all about handwriting, and it took a while to get used to the idea of typing it instead. It has changed how I write, certainly, but it means that I can post more. Is it better? Time will tell. Perhaps one day I’ll get an assistant who will type up my handwriting and I can go back to doing that.

I’d planned on writing at the computer every morning. Now, it is more often that I type up an idea during the day and I’ll email it to myself. Then I’ll edit it and post it in the morning. This seems to work better for me. It is hard to get away from the creative flow and snap back into the mundane nature of getting ready go to work. There is nothing more jarring that having to switch gears. Somehow this new way of doing it means I’m able to produce more posts.

I’m really proud of some of them. There are some posts that I think I was able to really get my idea across. Some posts I don’t even feel are mine. It is as if an idea came to me and I’m just passing it along. Those are the ones that I’m most amazed by, because the idea is so surprising to me.

Some posts are very personal and intimate. In some I’m working out my own salvation. In some I’m working my way out of my own holes. In some I come to an understanding that is very healing to me. In some I’m sharing my pain to let others know that they aren’t alone and there is hope.

I don’t really expect anybody to read my blog. I need to write it, though. Writing every day is keeping me awake. It is like a date with myself, where I’m honest with myself about where I’ve been and where I am, and where I want to go.

Thank you for being along for the journey.

Flashback – then and now (1)

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(Originally written 12-4-12)

This writing is like creating my own beads.

I’ve written in a journal for years. But then I’d need to cull through my journals to find what I wanted to type up and put out.

By typing what I’m thinking instead of handwriting it, I’m saving a step. I have no idea if this will work, but it is journaling while typing. It isn’t as natural, because I have to remember to type. I have to remember how to type. Typing class was the most valuable class I took in high school. I’m thinking that more of high school needs to be how-to and hands-on.

When I bead, I go through what I’ve found. I’m limited by what is already there, what has been created. I may want to “say” something in bead, and I can’t do that easily because that bead doesn’t exist. But I still try. I’ve created a “Griffin and Sabine” necklace, a “DaVinci Code” one, and one that is for “Alice in Wonderland”. I’ve also created ones that remind me of a trip to Gulf Shores, and one for what it is like to swim in the pool at the YMCA. They are impressionistic.

But this is different. I’m creating the beads – the paragraphs. With this, I can string together these beads, these sections, to create something bigger. I just have to create them, and put them in a logical place. Perhaps then I’ll put the sections together in folders, and then they will make sense. I suspect I’ll have themes. There are ideas I return to again and again, because I still don’t have them figured out. I may never have them figured out, but the working with, the wrestling with them, is all part of it.

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(11-19-13)
I’m going through my older saved pieces, ones that I’ve not posted. This is from a year ago, when I started this blog. It is interesting to see how I’ve evolved in my process. I now dislike handwriting anything because it generally means that I won’t post it. Neil Gaiman has an assistant who will type up whatever he hands her. I don’t have anything like that, so I have to do it all. I now will type anywhere and anytime. I use my “notes” feature on my phone to write up ideas while I’m at a doctor’s office or standing in line at the post office. I’ll write while I’m walking at lunch. To the average person it looks like I’m texting. In a way, I am, but just to a larger audience. I’m glad I’ve gotten over feeling it was awkward to type instead of write. I still handwrite some things. Sometimes it is the only way to get ideas out. They still (generally) stay in the journal and don’t come here, but sometimes the main idea makes it out. I use my Kindle to write as well. Now, writing by typing seems natural.