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Don’t be afraid.

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How many times are we told to not be afraid in the Bible?
What is the opposite of fear? Love.

I’m going to say something radical. Brace yourself.
Love everything you are afraid of. Love everything that frightens you, that worries you, that concerns you.

Love your chronic health condition(s). Love your friend’s brain cancer diagnosis. Love your fat. Love your back pain. Love your hoarder husband. Love your crazy next door neighbor.

The more we fight against things, the harder they get. The more we struggle, the more difficult things are.

You can’t have a baby if you are tense. Relax into the pain. Ride it out. Know it will pass.

And like with any other transformation, something amazing will be born out of this pain.

We hate change. We like to be in control. We fear the unknown.
Our hate, our need to control, our fear doesn’t change the reality.
It only makes it harder to accept it.

The only thing we have control over is our reaction.

Learn deep breathing. Eat healthy foods. Get exercise daily. Try yoga. Journal. Paint. Sing out loud. Find your creative outlet. Do this every day. Learn to trust the process.

And remember to love. To love is to welcome the change, to embrace it.
“Perfect love casts out fear,” Jesus tells us.

How do we know we are not a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly?
How do we know we are not a tadpole about to become a frog?

We are about to trade a life of crawling for one of soaring.
We are about to trade a life of water for air and land.

Don’t fight it. Let it happen. Know that God is in control of all things and God is in everything.

You are loved, and you are blessed. Remember the swallow. Remember the lily of the valley.

Don’t be afraid. Love.

Be persistent.

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There are two stories in the Gospels that I like that I keep mixing up. I’m going to try to get a grasp on them here and maybe figure out why I like them so much. Most of the translations are from the NRSV translation, but I may have gotten those mixed up too. I have used several different websites to copy and paste these verses from and they have different defaults.

One is about the faith of a Gentile woman whose daughter was possessed by a demon. Let’s look at Matthew 15.

“21 Jesus left that place and went away to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22 Just then a Canaanite woman from that region came out and started shouting, “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is tormented by a demon.” 23 But he did not answer her at all. And his disciples came and urged him, saying, “Send her away, for she keeps shouting after us.” 24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, help me.” 26 He answered, “It is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.” 27 She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.” 28 Then Jesus answered her, “Woman, great is your faith! Let it be done for you as you wish.” And her daughter was healed instantly.”

There is another telling in the Gospel according to Mark, in Mark 7:24-30. In Mark’s telling the woman is a Syrophoenician, not a Canaanite, but the point is the same. The details don’t matter, the story does, and the story is the same in both. In both, the woman is a Gentile. In both, her daughter is possessed by a demon. In both, Jesus was a little ticked off that she would presume to ask him to heal her daughter. He dismisses the woman twice, finally referring to her as a dog. He thinks that he is just there to bring healing to the Jews. He can’t be bothered with someone who isn’t Jewish. But then, she is persistent. She doesn’t turn away from his first rebuff. She doesn’t stop when he calls her a dog, which is a pretty low insult.

Then there is this story. It is a woman who suffered from an “issue of blood” as some of the accounts translate it. This had gone on for 12 years. She was unclean in the most basic way in Jewish life. Menstrual blood was seen as a sign of defilement. Not only was the woman unclean, but anything she sat on was unclean. Anyone who sat on something she had sat on was then, themselves, unclean. Women who were on their periods were treated like lepers. For twelve years she was ostracized because of this malady.

Let’s look at Mark 5:25-34. “25 Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years. 26 She had endured much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had; and she was no better, but rather grew worse. 27 She had heard about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, 28 for she said, “If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well.” 29 Immediately her hemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. 30 Immediately aware that power had gone forth from him, Jesus turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my clothes?” 31 And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing in on you; how can you say, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 He looked all around to see who had done it. 33 But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling, fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. 34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”

This story also appears in Matthew 9:20-22 and Luke 8:43-47, with little change. I like this version because it points out that she had spent all her money and “endured much “ from many doctors and they hadn’t helped, and in fact she had gotten worse. This makes her plight even more sad.

In both, he was surprised at the faith of the women. In both, he tells them that their faith has made them well. He doesn’t say that they were healed because of his power – it was their faith in his power, which comes from God.

They have other things in common. They were persistent. They were active in their faith. They didn’t wait for healing to come to them, they went to it.

Somehow when I tell the story, it is a Canaanite woman who suffers from an issue of blood. So I’ve mixed up the stories. Somehow I never cross the story the other way – it never is a story about a sneaky woman who is trying to steal power to heal her demon-possessed daughter. Demon possession? Who is to say that wasn’t the first century explanation for mental illness? But I digress.

I also like the fact that the person who is sick in the first story isn’t the one who is asking for help. It is the woman’s daughter. It is the woman herself who is asking. Her prayer is known as an intercessory prayer. Her faith in Jesus brought healing to her daughter, who was unable or unwilling to ask for help.

How many people do you know who are like that? They think they are beyond help? They think that they are not worthy of healing? They think they deserve their pain?

This now reminds me of the story of Jesus and the Centurion. This is in Luke 7:1-8.
“After Jesus had finished all his sayings in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2 A centurion there had a slave whom he valued highly, and who was ill and close to death. 3 When he heard about Jesus, he sent some Jewish elders to him, asking him to come and heal his slave. 4 When they came to Jesus, they appealed to him earnestly, saying, “He is worthy of having you do this for him, 5 for he loves our people, and it is he who built our synagogue for us.” 6 And Jesus went with them, but when he was not far from the house, the centurion sent friends to say to him, “Lord, do not trouble yourself, for I am not worthy to have you come under my roof; 7 therefore I did not presume to come to you. But only speak the word, and let my servant be healed. 8 For I also am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes, and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes, and to my slave, ‘Do this,’ and the slave does it.” 9 When Jesus heard this he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd that followed him, he said, “I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith.” 10 When those who had been sent returned to the house, they found the slave in good health.”

Here’s another story where Jesus was surprised by a Gentile’s faith. The Centurion served the Romans – the enemies of the Jews. This one had done good things for the Jews, so he was allowed by the disciples to get close to Jesus.

Now I’m reminded of Matthew 7:7.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (NIV)

Here’s another translation, and I find it significant that in translating it as “keep on asking…” it refers again to persistence.

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. (NLT)

Here’s another one that tells us to be persistent.

Luke 18:1-8
18 Then Jesus told them a parable about their need to pray always and not to lose heart. 2 He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor had respect for people. 3 In that city there was a widow who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Grant me justice against my opponent.’4 For a while he refused; but later he said to himself, ‘Though I have no fear of God and no respect for anyone, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will grant her justice, so that she may not wear me out by continually coming.’”[b] 6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says.7 And will not God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long in helping them? 8 I tell you, he will quickly grant justice to them. And yet, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

Don’t give up. Keep asking. Keep praying. Even if you don’t think you are being heard. Even if you aren’t sure. Even if the prayer isn’t for you. Keep on praying. Know that you will be heard. It will all work out in God’s time. Remember, it is “thy will be done” not “my will be done.”

A study of suffering, and a call to love it.

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Something I’ve gleaned from reading Buddhist texts is that the way to move past suffering is to study it. Don’t avoid it. Go to the source of it and really dig down. Ask yourself “Why do I feel this way? Where does this feeling come from?” Find the source and root it out. This is opposite how the Western world thinks. We are more into the idea of not talking about it and it will go away. Sometimes we think we’ll be better off if we deal with it another day – and we think that every day. In that way you never make time to work on the problem so it just keeps getting bigger.

The idea of reincarnation that is offered to us in Hinduism tells us that if you don’t fix it you will live it again. Every new lifetime is the sum of all the past lifetimes. If you live selfishly you will not have a very good rebirth. Another way of thinking that they offer us is an aspect of the Divine called Ganesh. He has the head of an elephant. He is known as the remover of obstacles. He doesn’t walk around the problem – he goes right through it. By going right through it, he makes it possible to have a better rebirth. We are to follow his example and not avoid problems.

What if your next life is really tomorrow? What if instead of focusing on an afterlife, we use these ideas to work on the current one we have? Heaven isn’t a proven thing. But this life is – so it seems useful to try to make the best of it here. We are told that those who don’t study history are condemned to repeat it. Why not study your own history to see if there are any trends that keep popping up that aren’t helpful?

This is totally not the Western way. It also seems counterintuitive to turn into our own pain and our own problems. It seems like human nature to turn away from pain and seek pleasure. But what if the turning away ends up creating even more pain in the future? Scientists have shown that all the foods we crave when we are depressed actually make us more depressed. To get out of that rut we have to fight against part of our hard-wiring. Instead of reaching for potatoes and macaroni and cheese when we are down, we are better off if we go for a walk and eat an apple.

Jesus said to love your enemies. What if that also meant to love what is dark about yourself? Look at what you turn away from. Study it. Go into this with the knowledge that you are loved and forgiven – you are not alone. Whatever you find there in those dark spots may be scary at first, but if you stay with that feeling and really study what you find there you’ll find it isn’t as bad as you thought. Ignorance isn’t bliss. The more you do this the easier it gets. It creates its own energy. It is like cleaning house, but for your soul.

One great way to study these dark places is to journal. Julia Cameron talked about the idea of “morning pages” in her book “The Artist’s Way.” She says that you should write three pages every morning, without fail. Write about anything. Write about how much you hate to write. Write about what you see jumbled around you in your bedroom. Write about what you hope the day will be like. But just write, and write three pages. This exercise really shakes things loose and gets things started.

Writing a few pages every day is one of the most helpful ways to really dig into things. It is also a great way to see trends. If you are constantly writing that it is time to start that project, then you will notice that you need to put a little more energy into it. If you are constantly writing that your friend is always lying and stealing from you then it is time to find a new friend. Journaling is a good way to unwind and a great way to plan ahead. It is good for stress reduction and stress prevention.

Another way to work on problems is to doodle. “Praying in Color” by Sybil MacBeth introduces the idea that you can pray while drawing. Praying is a way of connecting with Truth. Praying is a way of understanding things in a deeper way. It is a way of getting outside of your own head and connecting with something a lot bigger. Praying is about digging deeper.

MacBeth says that you don’t have to be an artist at all to do this. You can take colored pencils or markers and just start making marks on the paper. There doesn’t have to be a plan for it. In fact, it is better if there is no plan. This isn’t about what you draw, but about what goes on in your head while you draw. The lines are not a map so much as the vehicle itself. Just think about the issue. Hold it in your head. And start drawing. Doodle around. Let the lines go where they will. Pick up another color if feel like it. See where the lines and your thoughts go. If you notice that you are going off from the subject, gently draw yourself back. One helpful thing is to write the intention in the center of the page and doodle around it. Something will come to you that will help you.

Walking is helpful too. I’ve learned that often things sort themselves out while I’m walking. This has to be walking that has no other distractions. Listening to an iPod is a distraction. I’m starting to think that reading fiction or watching movies all the time is also a distraction. It feels like they are ways to avoid dealing with what is here right now.

Nothing solves itself instantly. There are very few sudden insights to be found where the problem is instantly solved. But this is more like water working on a stone. The problem has grown over the years due to inattention. It will take a while to dislodge. But the more you work on it, gently, consistently, the more it will get smaller and more manageable. It is worth the effort.

Permission slip

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There are several things that I’ve done over the years simply because someone has shown me that I can do it. Either I thought I needed permission to do it, or I needed to know that it was something that a person could do on her own. I think there are a lot of things like that. I want to let you know that you have within you the ability and power to do a lot more than you think you can.

One thing that I do is cut my own hair. I learned that I could do this from one of my brother’s former wives. Julie had been a hairstylist and she had a cute new hairstyle one day. I commented on how good it looked and she said that she did it herself. This was an entirely foreign idea to me. You could cut your own hair? You didn’t have to go to a hairstylist? I’d never liked getting my hair cut anyway. I don’t like that weird backwards-washing-of-the-hair part. It always hurts the back of my neck and I feel trapped. I don’t really like all the small talk they expect. It also costs a lot of money, and then you are expected to tip. Added on to all of that, I have a cowlick they never seem to know what to do with.

There were a lot of good reasons to try cutting my own hair. I started cutting my own hair in college. It looked terrible at first, but fortunately weird hair is normal in college. Plus, hats look really good on me. Practice makes perfect, and now I can cut my own hair in about 5 minutes. The fact that one person told me I could do this has made my life easier and saved me a lot of money and time.

Another instance was with a friend who had a healing salve. I asked her to make some for me and she looked at me kindly and said that I could do it myself. She did me a favor by not making it for me. By encouraging me to make it myself I unlocked a hidden ability. I researched different herbs for healing. I went to a health-food store and bought the dried herbs and oils. I made my first batch with calendula, comfrey, yarrow, and hyssop. The next thing I know, I’m growing the herbs myself to make my own from scratch. It works perfectly for cuts and burns and bruises.

I’m coming to realize that the same situation is true with religion and faith. I’m becoming wary of a top-down hierarchy where everything is done for you. I’m leaning into the idea that God wants each of us to take on the task of helping and healing, and that it is a lot easier than we think. One way I’m working on this idea is through the use of anointing oils.

I got the idea of using anointing oil from two different sources. One was a lady in a religion class I took who brought some anointing oil to one of the classes and anointed everybody who wanted it. She would put a small dot on our foreheads or in our palms and say words to remind us that we are children of God. I had also read a book by Sara Miles, most likely the one titled “Jesus Freak”. She mentioned that in the food bank she works in she would go with anointing oils and anoint the hands of the workers. She wanted to remind them that their hands were a blessing to everyone that they served. With their hands they helped feed people both body and soul. Neither of these women were ordained. This inspired me. If they could do it, why couldn’t I?

I bought a small vial of anointing oil at a Catholic bookstore. It wasn’t in a special place that you needed any special credentials to buy. You didn’t have to prove you were ordained to use it. It came with a pamphlet on sample words to use when you anointed someone and how to consecrate it. I read all the preliminary set-up to see how to get started. I wanted to see if I could read between the lines and see if it could be consecrated by anybody. I felt like I needed permission. I didn’t want to do it wrong or do it in a disrespectful manner.

I had figured that a priest had to do it, but then there would be some explaining. If I took it to my priest to consecrate, I’d have to explain why I wanted it. I would have to explain why I felt that it was OK for me to go out and anoint people who needed healing. So, following my usual method of operation I read the pamphlet carefully. These lines stood out to me as permission to do this myself. “Those Christian brothers and sisters laboring for the cause of Jesus Christ, standing in His stead, performing His work on earth, should consecrate it and set it apart for its holy purposes.” I’m Christian, check. The description ncludes sisters, so it isn’t just for priests. Check. Desire to use it for holy purposes – check. Good to go. I felt like I was reading between the lines to make sure that I wasn’t doing anything in a disrespectful manner. I felt like I’m using the rules to break the rules.

Then I went to a lecture by Becca Stevens, who is an Episcopal priest but doesn’t wear her collar or go by the term Reverend very much. She was talking about her new book “Snake Oil” and selling healing oils that are made through her nonprofit ministry called Thistle Farms. She concluded her speech with the idea that it seems crazy to think you can heal the world with love, but why not give it a try? It can’t hurt. She had healing oils for sale and encouraged us to use them. We aren’t special, right? We aren’t ordained. But maybe, just maybe, because she was telling us to go out and use them, maybe we were OK. Maybe we were just given permission. Maybe we were just empowered.

What I want to let you know is that you have within you right now the ability to heal. You don’t need certification and you don’t need special permission. You have it by virtue of the fact that you are a human being and a child of God.

How do you heal? Look people in the eye. Remember their names. Smile at them. Offer to carry heavy things. Hold open a door. Every time that you remember that you are part of a community and you take time to help another person, you have helped to heal the world. Every time you remember that each person is a child of God and you treat them with love, you have helped bring this world a little closer to the Kingdom of Heaven.

I don’t know why we often assume that only ordained people have this power. In the Christian faith, we are told that if we are baptized, we are ministers. We are empowered by the Holy Spirit to be a part of the healing of the world. Jesus gave power to his disciples to cast out demons. In Matthew 10:1 we learn that “Jesus called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out impure spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.” (NIV) That power isn’t just for them. It is for all who believe in Jesus as the Son of God. I’m also going to go so far as to say it is for everybody, not just those who believe in Jesus. Go. Heal. Be nice. Show love. It may sound crazy that we can change the world by showing love, but it can’t hurt to try.

Get off the guilt ride.

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Sometimes going to church feels like one big AA meeting. “Hi, my name is Betsy, and I’m a sinner.” Every week we have a confession of sin. One of the prayers from the Book of Common Prayer is “Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves…” The sad part is that I just wrote that out from memory. I can be having a pretty awesome week and there I am again on my knees saying that I am a sinner.

It softens the blow a little to say “we” so we aren’t just confessing our own faults but those of everybody. I’d said those words for years, but it was reading a book written by the Rev. Barbara Brown Taylor that opened my eyes to that point. Maybe it is kind of like Job. He did all the offerings to pay for his own sins, and then did some extra to pay for those of his children just in case.

But then it just gets into the whole nature of sin. Sin is sometimes defined as “missing the mark.” When you aim an arrow you intend it to go a certain place. If it falls short, it has missed the mark. The same is true of intentions. If you mean to do well but you don’t try hard enough, your effort falls short. Remember “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”? That. You meant well, but you just didn’t give it enough gas, so you didn’t get where you meant to. You meant to take food to that friend who was sick. You meant to volunteer in the school. You meant to donate money to the battered women’s shelter. You meant to be nicer to your coworkers. And you never found the time, and things got away from you.

How much of that is us living in a passive way? How much of that is us thinking that life happens to us, rather than us intentionally living our lives? And how much of that is simply human nature? Is that “sin” or is it just part of the baggage?

I remember talking with a friend who had converted from Christianity to Judaism. From what I understood, his biggest issue with the idea of Jesus being the atonement for sins was that we humans are by nature not perfect. We can’t be perfect. So why do we need someone to pay for our sins? He didn’t feel that Jesus’ sacrifice was necessary at all.

I have to admit that sometimes I think like this too. I’m more about Jesus’ life than his death. I see him as a great role model. He is a champion for the underdog. He showed love to everyone. He was all about telling other people that they had within them the same ability to love and heal. He didn’t just heal all on his own – he made sure that his disciples had the gift of the Holy Spirit within them to do the same. Thus, by extension, all Christians have the same ability.

Healing isn’t just mending a broken leg. It is also about mending relationships. It is about building bridges between people of different backgrounds and between people and God. Healing is about making whole. It is about making the hurt go away. I think there is healing that comes from letting people know that it is OK to make mistakes and that they are normal.

We try to do well, and we fail, and we try again. This is part of the journey. We can never be perfect like Jesus was. We can never ever get there – it just isn’t possible. So why do we constantly beat ourselves up for something that we can’t do? And why do we think that it is helpful to focus on our sins every week?

We are told in the 1 John 1:8 “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” But we are also told in 2 Corinthians 5:17 ” Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” So what is it? In which way are we deceiving ourselves? Are we deceiving ourselves that we are without sin, or are we deceiving ourselves that we still have sin after Jesus paid for them? If we are a new creation and our sins are forgiven, how does it help to beat ourselves up over it? If we can never be perfect because of our human nature, then why do we confess our imperfectness every week? Why are we beaten up for something that can never be fixed? And are we even broken to start with?

Yes, it is good to be reminded of the fact that Jesus lets us know that we are forgiven. It is good to know that everything we did and everything we are going to do has been paid for. It is good to be mindful of our behavior and to constantly try to do better. But it is also good to be mindful of the fact that we can’t ever hit the mark. We will be shooting that arrow every day until we die and we still won’t get it right. We can try to get it closer, but we will never win the prize. It is like playing a game of skill at the county fair. The machine is fixed. You’ll never win the fluffy gorilla. So maybe it is time to stop playing the game.

Saying “No” as a full sentence.

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If you can’t say no, it isn’t a healthy relationship.

I once knew someone who lived near a town I was going to visit. He was a friend on Facebook, so when I mentioned that I was about to go on a road trip there, he quickly sent me a message wondering if I wanted to meet up. I didn’t really want to make a detour and I honestly didn’t want to see him. I used the fact that it was my husband’s birthday trip as an excuse. (Perhaps one day I’ll address the issue of simply not being honest and flat out saying No.)

He didn’t take it well. He thought I was very rude. I remember that I’d even considered temporarily blocking him on Facebook during the trip so that he wouldn’t get updates on where we were and what we were doing. I thought there was a good chance that he just might show up at a restaurant we were eating at.

I now realize this is not the sign of a friendship. And while I’m writing this I realize that my feeling was fear. And that I should be honest and admit that I’m talking about my brother.

We never were close, and it took me years to realize that he was psychologically abusive. There is some advantage I think to being physically abused. There are bruises. You know you have been hit. But when you are psychologically abused it is a lot harder to notice the damage. Thus the abuse continues.

The abuser can continue to work on you. Day by day the manipulation continues. The lesson of how to act is reinforced. “If you want me to be happy, you will do things my way.” This is very similar to the sentence that begins with the words “Don’t you think…” Anybody who starts a sentence with those words doesn’t care what you think. They are telling you what they think and they think that you should share their
opinion.

My Mom used to say that if two people agreed all the time, one was unnecessary. I’m slowly starting to understand this.

I realized finally that if my brother was anybody other than my brother I would have dropped him years ago. He wasn’t a friend. He was only nice to me if I did things his way. I was becoming unnecessary. I was starting to not even exist. I don’t even remember when he stopped calling me by name. He referred to me as “Sister.” Just a title. A place holder. Not even my name.

When I asserted myself and said that I didn’t like how I was being treated he backed off a little. For a few months things almost were normal, or what passes for normal. Then, slowly he would begin pushing me. We fell into the old dance again so easily, with him leading and me getting my toes stepped on.

I’ve read that the kindest way to kill a lobster is to put it in a pot of warm water and slowly raise the temperature. The lobster never even knows what is happening and just calmly and quietly goes to sleep. No screaming. No flailing about. That beautiful carapace, that armor, does him no good.

I was that lobster. I was dying and I didn’t even put up a fight. When I stood up for myself again his response was “How come you always want things your way?” If “my way” means being treated in a respectful manner, then yes, I do want things my way. I finally realized that I was ok with never talking to him again. That was a very hard place to reach. When I finally walked away I believe I started to understand what abused wives feel like when they escape from their battering husbands.

How did I get to this point? How did I grow from being the dutiful little sister, the Southern raised, Christian girl into a person who stood up for herself? All of my upbringing taught me to be submissive, subservient, subtracted. I was a minus. I didn’t exist. My opinion didn’t matter. I suspect this is normal for many women.

I started reading. Books are my lifeline, my bridge. I first read “Difficult Conversations.” That was hard. It was about facing the problem head on and learning how to talk with people and how to express your own viewpoint. At the same time I was taking a class about dialogue as opposed to debate. This was a very painful time. It was as if I was breaking myself into new pieces so I could rearrange myself into a whole new person, a person of peace.

I then went to the classics. “Codependent No More” and then “Boundaries.” I even read a dog-training manual. They all said the same thing. You have to start from a position of self. You have to know what you like and what you don’t like. You need to be aware of what kind of behavior you were willing to accept and what wasn’t OK. And you had to be
consistent. You had to use “I statements” and say how you felt. Well, the dog training manual didn’t say that last part. But it did talk about being calm and assertive.

Being assertive isn’t the same as being domineering. Saying “No” as a full sentence (Thanks to Anne Lamott for those words) is not a bad thing. In fact, learning that can save your life. At the very least, it can stop you from disappearing.

Process, not Product.

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I had a nice discussion with friends last night about creativity and how important it is to not edit at the beginning of the project. Put down a rough outline or a sketch. Then fill in. Then edit. If you edit at the start you will never get your project built. Yes, a strong foundation is good. But the best part is that whatever art form you use, be it writing, music, beading, painting -isn’t a building. You can rearrange it, especially if you are creating in a digital format.
If you think too much about the end you will never get past the beginning. Rarely do my creations end up the way I expected. Over twenty years of jewelry making has taught me that, and I’m learning it is true about writing as well. Even if I have the beads, once I put them together they look different. This texture doesn’t look right with this color. Or I don’t have the skill to connect them the way that I want. I’ve learned to do it anyway with what I have. Just keep going forward. The process is more important than the product.
What you make this week will (probably) look stupid to you in a month. That is OK. You are a different person a month later. Don’t rip your creation apart. Make something else. If you rip it apart and try to remake it, you are just making the same thing over and over. Make something new. That way you are adding, not subtracting. You will constantly be growing and changing and developing. Each time you create you are learning more about the medium and about yourself. Each time you create you are growing.
It is OK to revisit a theme. Whether you are creating with beads, words, or musical notes, themes come up and need to be worked on. It is fine to return to that theme and give it a different treatment. Perhaps this time you will find the “right” way to express that idea. Or not. That is OK too. Keep working and pushing and trying. Grow forward, not back.
I suspect creating is a lot like having a child. You don’t know how it is going to look or behave once it comes out. It isn’t about controlling the creation – it is about being part of it, and letting it develop naturally through you. Part of the delight (or frustration) with being a creative person is that the result surprises you. It ends up how it ends up. Rarely when you are creating do you get to “have it your way”, in spite of what Burger King says. The way your creation ends up is the way it either needs to be, or it is the best you can do right now. The more you practice your art, the better you will get. It is helpful to think of each attempt as a stepping stone, not a stumbling block.
Perhaps I’m trying to be a midwife to your creativity. Don’t fight it. Let it happen. Don’t push too soon. Breathe.
Everybody has to start somewhere. Mozart didn’t create amazing music right from the start, right? OK. Maybe he did. That’s why we call him a child prodigy. But the fact that we have a special word for it means it is unusual. I seem to remember that he had a LOT of music lessons, though. The only difference between you and the expert is a lot of time and work. So get going and make more art!

Wake Up!

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Originally posted on Facebook August 26, 2012

Sometimes I’m not very charitable. I feel sad if folks are suffering because there was an accident. However – if folks are sick and hurting because they have refused to take care of themselves (they smoke, drink excessively, eat unhealthy foods, refuse to exercise) then that is different. I want to start yelling – WAKE UP! We aren’t doing each other any favors when we look the other way. A doctor really did me a favor when he found out I smoked (5 clove cigarettes every day). He literally got right in my face and yelled – Quit Smoking!

My Mom died at 53 from smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. What a stupid way to die. Friends are sick all the time due to bad choices. I see folks at the library who are morbidly obese and all they do every day is play games on the internet. They are literally wasting their lives. One says she comes to the library to play games because she doesn’t want to take care of things at her home. Those things will still be there – adding up. This is an addiction – I understand this all too well.

Quit being a slave to your body. Your body is like a 5 year old sometimes. It wants what it wants, and it wants it right now. Feed me candy! Sit on the couch! Watch stupid shows that waste time! Eat fried food! I don’t want vegetables – they are icky!

The train is coming. You can’t avoid it. Years and years of bad choices, of allowing your body to control you only result in pain and suffering. Death is inevitable. However it can be delayed, and you can have a good healthy life for many years if you choose wisely.

When I start exercising, the first 5 minutes I hate it. I don’t want to be there. In 10 minutes I think I’ve been there for 25, and I want to stop. I push on. In 30, I think it isn’t so bad, and I can do more. In 40, I start to be sad that it is almost over. At 60 minutes I’m done and I feel great.

I’ve started to realize that this pattern is the same with starting anything. The first time you start something good for you, there is a lot of resistance. You do it a little longer, and you think why am I doing this – there’s no results, this is stupid. If you keep at it – you start to get into it and you feel better. Your mind plays tricks on you – be stronger than your mind.

There are so many excuses to be made for not following the healthy path. Excuses lead to misery.

Wake up. Choose to live. Choose to be alive and awake and healthy. This is all a process. You won’t get there overnight. Every day you will have to make choices. You will fall, you will fail. The difference is – get back up and start again.

Our taste buds have been taught in our Western society to want a high-fat, high salt diet. This can be weaned out of you so that you actually prefer healthy food.

Drink more water. Work towards not having any sodas.

Eat more vegetables. Try to eat fresh ones – not processed. Aim for a “rainbow” of color on your plate.

You really don’t need three plates of food at the buffet.

Eat slower. Chew your food. The slower you eat, the more you will digest, and the sooner you will realize you are full – and you won’t overeat.

Choose organic when possible. Yes, it is more expensive. Choose what you can, and have the rest be conventional. Every little step counts.

Avoid fried foods. Batter adds only fat and salt and no nutrition.

If you eat meat, go for chicken and seafood.

Walk more. Figure out ways you can walk more at work. Park further away from the store. Wear a pedometer so you have an idea of how far you are walking every day.

Try water aerobics. It is good for your joints, and it offers resistance training and cardio exercise at the same time.