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The soul and the body – the rider and the horse.

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The soul is the rider. The body is the horse.

A horse has a mind of its own, and will want to wander. It wants to veer towards the fun things, the pretty things. It gets distracted. It gets bogged down, lost. If left on its own, it will lead you astray.

The rider’s job is to learn how to get the horse to go where is best. The rider’s job is to make sure the horse has good food, enough exercise, and proper shelter.

If the rider takes good care of the horse and controls where it goes, the horse and the rider will both benefit.

If the rider lets the horse have control, lets the horse eat whatever it wants, and only takes the horse out when he wants to go somewhere, they will both suffer.

If the soul does not take care of the body, the body will be in charge. The soul will feel trapped. The soul will not be able to do what it needs to do. It will not be able to complete its mission.

Sometimes the horse is difficult. Sometimes it is headstrong and willful. Sometimes it has a genetic weakness. Sometimes it has a bad leg.

Sometimes the rider is inept. Sometimes the rider lets the horse take over, so they end up where the horse wants to go, but not where the rider wants to go. Sometimes the rider neglects to feed the horse healthy food and the horse isn’t able to go anywhere at all.

Blinders help. Training helps. Discipline helps. This requires constant, focused work. It is OK to ask for help – you don’t have to do it all on your own.

If you can’t control your cravings, then seek help in a therapist, minister, books, or friends. Find someone or something that helps you get back on track. Make sure you aren’t exchanging one crutch for another. Learn why you keep letting your body lead you astray, or what are you doing that isn’t nurturing it.

Where is your weakness? Dig down to the root. Where did you learn that flawed coping mechanism? Unlearn, to relearn. It is never too late to start over.

Asking for help is a sign of strength. It means that you want to get stronger. It is the only way out of that hole. You’ve tried to do it yourself and failed. This is part of the test. Pride will kill you.

Every lesson is repeated until learned. You will stay in this body until you can’t learn any more from it. Then you will leave it. You may come back to try again, or go further.

Death is realizing that this body can’t get you where you need to go. Sometimes you don’t have the tools. Sometimes the body isn’t strong enough, and you don’t know how to get it that way.

Baby in reverse.

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Taking care of a dying person is like taking care of a baby, but in reverse. They become less and less able to take care of themselves. They spend more and more time asleep. They start to make less sense.

It is important not to be afraid by these differences. This formerly active and vibrant person that you knew is changing right before your eyes. She will show less signs of being interested in anything other than what is happening right in front of her.

It isn’t anything personal. It is simply a normal part of the dying process. Consider that it is like hypothermia. When the body gets very cold it will conserve all of its energy. The body will automatically start taking energy and heat away from the extremities. Death is like that, but it is social and spiritual.

It is a time where they withdraw from their external activities and all of their attention and energy is refocused and re-centered. They will begin to show less and less interest in their friends and in their family. They may have unfinished business they feel that they need to do. And they may start trying to control things more. This is a normal behavior for people who have felt very nervous throughout their lives. People tend to die the way they live.

You may see a dying person “working”. They are working in any way they can. They may pick it their bedclothes. They may move things around. As long as they are not doing anything dangerous let them continue to do it.

Dying people may see people from the other side. I do not believe that these are hallucinations. I believe that they have one foot in this world and one foot in the other. Again, as long as they are not causing any harm to themselves let them continue. If it is not making them anxious, there isn’t a problem. Do not argue with them. You do not want to agitate them. You want them to have as easy a transition as possible.

When my mom was dying I saw my helping her during this time as my gift to her. She took care of me when I was a baby and when I was sick. I figured that it was my duty to take care of her when she was dying. Fortunately we had a good relationship, so that made it easier.

The connection between death and depression.

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I was just thinking recently about how the signs of death and the symptoms of depression are very similar. I think that they are related. Perhaps depression is a sign of the soul leaving the body. Perhaps the cure for depression is to find ways to get the soul to stay in the body – for the soul to find delight by being corporal.

I’ve heard that our souls choose to be here – that we want to be in a body. Souls are able to see and hear, but they cannot smell, taste, or touch. They cannot enjoy anything that comes with being in a body. They can’t enjoy the feeling from working in the garden or winning a race. They cannot enjoy the taste of home-made zucchini bread. They cannot make someone smile by bringing them a present “just because”.

Let us look at the signs of death that are also some of the symptoms of depression.

— Loss of appetite

— Excessive fatigue and sleep, and increased weakness.

— Mental confusion or disorientation

— Social withdrawal

Here is what you do with a dying person – perhaps it could also be connected to a depressed person…
– -Talk with the person gently and calmly. Assure her that she is loved, and that you will remember her. Let her know that her life mattered. She needs to know that you will be able to go on without her.

We all need to feel connected and that we matter. We need to feel like what we do has meaning. When someone is depressed, they feel alone. They feel like they are not part of the community. Even if they are in a group of people they feel separate.

Turning this around can be as simple as getting the person to get involved. Make an investment of time to call the person, take them out, help them to be part of the community. Volunteering helps. Doing art helps. Joining a club helps. People have to feel like they matter.

When you are depressed, everything seems grey. Food doesn’t taste good. Music sounds flat. Nothing goes in like it should. It is like being in a huge hole, and you don’t even have the energy to get out.

I’ve learned that when I feel depression creeping up, I realize that I’ve not been doing what I know feeds my soul. I think of the soul as being a flame, and it is important to keep it burning bright.

Getting regular exercise and eating healthy foods helps. Making time to be with friends helps. Making art helps.

Notice how these things are the opposite of the dying process.

Work on being more active – physically and socially. Work on the appetite. Eat healthy, tasty food. Be mindful of how much sleep you get. Create a schedule and stick to it. Keep your mind active – take up a hobby. Learn something new. You can combine some of these by teaching someone a skill you have.

Maybe I’ve got the cause and the effect backwards. Maybe the soul is trying to leave the body because it isn’t getting the nourishment it needs from that body. “Nourishment” means more than just vitamins and minerals. When we sit around all day and when we eat bad food, we are damaging our bodies and then by extension – our souls. When we keep to ourselves and don’t make time to connect with the community by having friends or feeling like we belong or matter, we don’t need to be in a body.

Perhaps the soul is trying to leave the body because it feels like this body isn’t serving it.

Signs of death.

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A natural death doesn’t happen like it does in the movies. It is a slow, gradual process, and it is fairly predictable. It is all normal – but it isn’t normal to you if you haven’t seen it. Reading about it will make it easier to deal with.

The main goal is to keep the person comfortable and for you to remain calm.

These are some things that are likely to happen. Every person is different, so these may happen in a different order, or not at all. I have compiled these from various sources online and my own personal experience with dying people.

Be advised – the dying process can take around a week.

—- Loss of appetite
The person’s energy needs lessen. She may not want to eat, or want to eat only simple foods. Follow her lead, and offer liquids at least. You can use a lip balm on her lips to keep them from cracking.

—–Excessive fatigue and sleep, and increased weakness.
Because of her lessening energy needs, she will sleep more and more. Do not rouse her unnecessarily. Assume that she can hear everything that you say.

Do not talk about her in the same room.

— Mental confusion or disorientation
The person may not be aware of where she is or what is happening. Remain calm. Let her know who you are. Speak gently to her.

She may see people who aren’t there, especially people who have passed on before her. Do not argue with the person about this. This will make her agitated. She has one foot in this world and one in the other. What she is experiencing isn’t unusual – it is just something you aren’t experiencing. This doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

She may pick at her bedclothes. This “work” represents unfinished business. As long as the person is safe, let her do this.

— Breathing changes
It will get harder and harder for her to breathe. Oxygen may help with this, and sometimes a gentle fan blowing on her face will help too. The goal is to make the person more comfortable and relaxed. The person doesn’t need as much oxygen as before.

Later on, her breath may change to something known as Cheyne-Stokes. She will not breathe for a bit, and then sge will breathe in suddenly, gasping. It is distressing to hear, but not for the dying person.

Around this time the person will have difficulty swallowing, and there will be increased secretions in her throat. It will sound like gurgling or like marbles are rattling around. This is what is called the “death rattle”.

One option that I’ve seen is to use a Scopolamine patch. It will dry up the secretions, as a dry mouth is a side effect. These have to be prescribed.

It may help to have the person propped up or have her head tilted slightly to the side.

It is believed that the person is unaware and unaffected by the secretions and the different breathing.

—–Social withdrawal
The person may not be interested in doing anything with anyone. This is a very intimate and personal time and requires a lot of inward focus. Don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want to see you. Dying is hard work. However, she might be interested in some company, but not be able to reply.

Some people may get to the point that they can only answer yes/no questions. Be mindful of this, and change your interactions accordingly.

Sometimes there might be a burst of energy a few days before the person dies. She has saved up her energy and then it will appear that she is going to get better. Cherish this experience if it happens – it is fleeting.

—-Changes in urination
There will be less and less urine, and it will be more concentrated. Hospice may choose to use a catheter to keep the bed unsoiled. Loss of bladder and bowel control is normal.

—-Swelling in the feet and ankles
This is a natural result of the kidneys slowing down. This is normal.

—-Changes in the extremities.
Just like when the body gets colder, the extremities start to lose circulation minutes or hours before death. Hands and feet will become cooler and paler (or bluish) The veins may become mottled.

Talk with the person gently and calmly. Assure her that she is loved, and that you will remember her. Let her know that her life mattered. She needs to know that you will be able to go on without her.

Talking with the dead

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The dead are not dead – just no longer in their physical bodies. We have to learn how to see them with our hearts and not our eyes.

Do the things they loved to do, and invite them into that experience with you. They will be there with you in your heart. That connection is always there. We just have to open the door.

They are always here with us. We just have to pick up the “phone”.

Jesus said “My God, why have you forsaken me” – that was the biggest bit of Human-ness he ever experienced. God has never left him, or us. It is up to us to return, to turn back towards the Spirit that we are missing. Jesus says “I will be with you always, to the end of the age”.

They are no longer limited by their physical bodies. They can be with you anywhere and at any time.

When you are thinking of someone who has passed, s/he is thinking of you. It is not a sad time – it is a time where you are able to reconnect.

Who you gonna call?

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When my father died there wasn’t a list of all his friends. He was very proud of the fact that he was able to memorize everybody’s address and phone number. But that didn’t do me any good when it was time to call them after he died. I had to go by the Christmas card list that my mom had. From that, I was able to look up some people’s phone numbers by calling directory assistance. This was 20 years ago.

Now of course you can look people up online. But sometimes that comes with a charge. It’ll get you near where you want to go but it won’t get you all the information. Perhaps there are privacy issues. Perhaps it is greed. Either way, it is annoying.

Now that my mother-in-law has died we have a list of all of their friends and relations to contact. But it turns out their list is not up to date. We can’t ask my father-in-law what the numbers are because he has dementia.

We don’t have some of the correct numbers because people have dropped their home phone line and gone to using a cell phone. And those you can’t look up online. We’ve even thought of using the cell phones of my parents in law to see if they had the new numbers saved there. No luck.

I’m starting to think that if they didn’t have the right phone number then maybe that person wasn’t that close.

Perhaps it is a good idea for me to start writing down my list of all the people I would like to come to my funeral, or at least to know that I have died.

It may seem strange, but sometimes the only way I have found out that someone has died is through Facebook. It’s the modern way of telling people what’s going on. Nobody reads the obituaries anymore. Nobody subscribes to the newspaper.

We have constructed our lives with emails and texts, and our computers and phones are password protected. How is anyone going to know who to call? Bills are sent electronically to email inboxes, and paid online with passwords and log-ins. How are our survivors going to know how to take care of our estate?

A difficult situation has become even harder because of modern conveniences.

It is hard enough to grieve. It is almost impossible to grieve and handle an estate at the same time. Nothing is normal, and then there is something really hard to do on top of that. Unraveling someone’s life is weird, and strange. It is like you are erasing a life, account number by account number.

Expected death

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Imagine if you got pregnant, and you weren’t told anything about what was going to happen to you. Or imagine if you were the friend of someone who got pregnant, and knew nothing. Neither of you had been through it or known anybody who had been through it. You’d not read about it even. When the contractions start to happen and the water breaks, it is going to be pretty scary. When the baby is born, you’ll both be freaked out.

But if you know what to expect – if you know that it is normal – then you’ll know what to do. You’ll stay calm and handle it.

Death is like that too. There are certain identifiable things that happen, and they are only scary if they aren’t known. They are different from how things are otherwise, and because they are different they can be unsettling. But they don’t have to be.

We’ve medicalized birth and death in Western society, and it is to our loss. We’ve forgotten what it is to go through these natural human experiences. We used to see birth and death in our homes, because we would all live together as a family, several generations together. We didn’t go to the hospital to give birth or die, with strangers or alone.

There are plenty of fine articles online where you can read up on the signs of death, so I’m not going to repeat their information. I will tell you that the more you learn, the more you’ll make a difficult situation easier.

Not learning about it won’t make it not happen. It will just make it harder when it does happen.

What hospice is and isn’t

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I like the idea of hospice. They are trained for care, not cure. They help a person die a natural death, rather than unnecessarily prolonging life. They don’t do assisted suicide, but they don’t do feeding tubes and ventilators either.

But I don’t like it in a way. I don’t like that there has to be a division between them and the rest of the medical profession.

I have a friend who trained to be a nurse. She learned nothing about what the dying process is – what the signs are, what is normal, what to do. She’s asking me what the signs are, what happens.

There is also a misunderstanding about what hospice does. When my Mom was dying, I assumed that the very infrequent visits from the hospice team were because we were on Tenncare. I was used to us getting the short end of the stick, the last of the loaf. I was used to having to sit in clinics for hours for treatment for everything. So seeing a nurse for about thirty minutes every day seemed par for the course. Having a “bank” of time for a sitter seemed normal too. There was a total of 20 hours I could use, so I had to be careful how I budgeted it.

Turns out that is the way it goes. From reading up more, and from the stories from my mother-in-law having hospice care, we weren’t unusual.

When you call hospice, they are there to help, but the family members are the primary caregivers. They are drafted into service, shanghaied even. They do most of it. The nurses come by to change medicine if necessary. The rest of everything? That is on you.

They don’t sit with the patient 24 hours a day until they die. They don’t check them into a specialized hospital and care for them. It is on the family to do the heavy lifting, literally and metaphorically.

They might provide a handbook that helps. If you are lucky, all the pages are there. Sometimes they aren’t. Fortunately, these days, you can look up “Signs of death” online and get a lot of helpful advice.

Ideally, all nurses and doctors would understand that death isn’t something to be feared. It is a natural part of life. It is only scary if it is unknown – like everything else. Fear comes from ignorance – learn as much as you can and you’ll not be afraid.

You have to ask.

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I don’t want to go to the hospital to watch my mother in law die. I will if I have to. I will if I’m asked. But I’m not going to second-guess my husband. I’ve spent ten years trying to guess what he wants, and doing things for him without him asking because it seemed like he needed me to. He seems to appreciate it, but I don’t think it is doing him or me any favors.

I’ve stood on this one.

Now may not be the nicest time to insist that he “use his words” but now is the time. He has to learn how to find his own voice, to know what he wants, and to ask for it. He also has to know how to say no to people and make decisions.

Part of making decisions is making bad decisions and standing behind them.

He’s made a hard decision recently, and we all supported him. Now it seems like he is going back on it, so he’s losing ground. Waffling, second and third guessing himself is part of his family inheritance. He’s going to lose face over this, and that is going to crush him. Yet another failure to add to the pile. I’m afraid that he’ll never stand up and make a hard decision again.

In part I’ve stayed away because I don’t want him to lean on me. I want him to stand on his own and make the hard decisions. I want him to grow up. I want him to become an adult. Having to ask other people’s opinions and approval all the time is not a sign of maturity.

This was going to be his crucible, his make-it-or-break-it moment.

I feel helpless, waiting around the house. I’ve done rituals and said prayers. I’ve done what I can to process this experience in a safe way so that it doesn’t hurt me. It is bringing back some memories from when my Mom died.

It has been since Wednesday night. Chaos, crisis, upset. Panic mode, emergency time. It is Sunday now, and she’s still alive, barely. I’m a little angry at her now, and I feel very selfish about it. She’s wasted our long weekend off together. Sure, there is some kindness in all this happening during non-work time, but it is still vexing.

This isn’t kind to say at all.

And it is very honest.

This isn’t life, her hanging on. It wasn’t life before, either. Home decorating isn’t giving back to the world. Vanity, selfish, image conscious – both of them. They just amplified each other’s narcissism until it became pathological. There was nobody to say “No”, so the psychic disease grew.

Her sons have spent more time with her now than she ever spent with them when they needed her. They’ve made sure she was better treated than she ever cared for them.

She wasn’t bad, or evil, but she wasn’t good either.

What an ugly death, and a bad situation. What a terrible legacy to leave.

And I’m angry at the medical establishment – we show more mercy to dogs.

Half life

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We’ve all been living a kind of half life recently in my family. For the last few days, we’ve been waiting for a member of the family to die. What the nurses thought would be minutes or hours has turned into days.

There is no hope of a cure.

This isn’t life, and it wasn’t one before that.

Life is more than being alive. It is about being independent and about giving back. It is about being generous with your time and your talents. It is about having enough to keep yourself going and more to help others with.

Whether you are old and on your death bed, or you are in the prime of your life, the same rules apply.

I think about the story I read in “All Creatures Great and Small” about the vet who went to put down a farm dog. He’d gotten very sick and was suffering. He’d reached the end of his usefulness. The vet gave him the medicine, and after a day, he wasn’t dead. He was recovered. He needed some time to sleep deeply, and then he pulled through and was his old self again. He was back on the farm, working, in a matter of days.

I think about the person I knew in high school who was miserable and tried to kill himself. He didn’t succeed. He ended up damaging himself just enough that he had to be put into a nursing home. He never was able to take care of himself again. He required constant care. His bad situation got worse.

I think about a lady I know who is pregnant. Her belly is so big it looks like she is carrying a one year old. She should have given birth weeks ago. She’s tried everything to get the process started.

I think about the story I read in “Spiritual Midwifery” about a lady who was having a hard time giving birth. The midwives asked her if there was anything she was worried about, anything that might be preventing the baby from coming. The mother was worried about the father being a good provider. After they had a talk about it, she relaxed and opened up and the baby came. It needed to know it had a safe place to come to.

Why am I talking about birth while I am talking about death? Because they are the same in many ways. They are a transition, and they can’t be hurried. Well, you can give medicine to speed up contractions, and you can do a C-section. But generally, those happen once the labor process has already started, and that you have to wait for.

We’ve all put our lives on pause recently, some of us more than others. It has been a sort of negative holiday. Clothes aren’t being washed. Dishes aren’t being done, cooking happens in spurts. Meals are on the go. Naps take precedence over actual sleeping. Trips away from the house are short, and the phone is always on.

With a baby not coming, with a family member not dying, it is all a huge wait. It is delaying the inevitable. Waiting until the time is right just makes it harder on everybody else.

Maybe it isn’t about her, but about us. Maybe we aren’t ready for it. You never are, really. It is going to be a big mess to undo all of this once she dies. But her delaying it isn’t going to make it easier. If she somehow makes it out of the hospital, she can’t live on her own. She’s proven that in the past few months. There is only so much money to pay for caregivers. There is only so much time that can be taken away from work before they start to think about firing you.

It is selfish of her to hang on.

This sounds very mean and heartless.

In the past few days I’ve really been angry with her for not accepting that she is dying, for not accepting “what is”. Meanwhile, I’ve not been accepting “what is” – because “what is” is what is happening right now. This in between state, this flux, this not going on to the next step, is what is.

Do I want her to die for her sake, or for ours? Maybe a little of both.