Why is it considered rude to tell a total stranger who has initiated a conversation with you to stop?
Why isn’t it considered rude to initiate that conversation?

I was at work the other day and overheard a conversation that made me think about this. This guy walks into the movie section and starts talking to a lady he doesn’t know. “Found anything good yet?” She replied, but a little hesitantly. He then went on to ask her what kind of movies she liked and to tell her what kind he liked. Then there was a long ramble about having time to watch movies. He talked so much I thought he was flirting with her, and it didn’t seem like she was really enjoying the conversation. I got to thinking about this. Why didn’t she just say “Look, I’m not interested in talking with you.” That would be honest, but it sounds rude. But why isn’t it rude for him to start the conversation?

It is not uncommon for older guys to hit on me at work. These are often newer patrons who don’t know anything about me – not even my name. I have to wear a nametag so that really is lazy to not know that. Why would anyone ask someone out when they don’t know anything about them? Are they really that desperate? I wear a very unambiguous gold wedding band as well, so the fact I’m married is also not a secret. They don’t even miss a step when I tell them I’m married. One said “That doesn’t bother me and the crowd I hang with!” Uh, that bothers me. Another said “Well, invite him along!” Again, that is weird. I feel that hitting on me is a violation of my space. It seems to me that it is also a violation of social rules. Yet why do I feel like the bad guy? They are the one who crossed the line. Every interaction with them after that is really awkward – but it is their fault for hitting on me. I wonder if they fish like that. Do they use wide-range nets? That isn’t the way to get anything worth having.

Then I have issues with people who try to impose their tastes on me. Patrons assume that I like the same kind of books they like. Almost always they are wrong. I have very eclectic tastes. My tastes range from zombie fiction to religious nonfiction. I don’t read Christian fiction. I don’t read romances. I don’t read murder mysteries. But these categories are what people insist I should read. I always feel awkward when they tell me I should read whatever thing they find to be essential. Why do they think I want to read what they read? Why don’t they bother to ask me what I read first before they impose their tastes on me? Why do I feel weird telling them that I’m not interested, like I’m doing something wrong by disagreeing? It would be easier to say “OK, I’ll remember that” but I feel that is lying, and that it will encourage more of the same kind of interactions from that person.

Then there was a salesman. He was a regular patron and we had talked several times. Then he started a card business. He wanted me to watch a “short three minute video” to learn about his business. He insisted I take his business card. I wasn’t interested. I didn’t watch the video. I threw the card away. Then he came in again, and we went through the same thing. This time I told him that I didn’t want to watch the video. He said OK, but then he insisted on sending me a card to work. I thought, fine. If that will make this stop, OK. But it didn’t. He then called to make sure I got it. This was crossing too many lines. At that interaction I reminded him that I had told him that I wasn’t interested, but he kept pushing. I told him that wasn’t cool. He kept talking. I repeated myself that I wasn’t interested. I said this is not a way to run a business. He backed off, and I said I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said sorry at all. I was the one who was imposed on. I did nothing wrong. He was the offensive party. I said no and he didn’t listen.
Are guys taught that “no” means “try harder”? This is a recipe for disaster in a society where girls are taught to be pleasing and peacemakers. We are taught to not be pushy or aggressive. When girls finally gather the strength to rise up past their socialization and state their mind, it is a disaster when guys don’t listen and continue to push their own agenda. Whether verbally or physically, if a woman says No, men must learn that means No and they must stop. Their own desires are not more important. Both parties must be playing the same game for it to be fun.

I’m starting to see these conversational interactions as an invasion of space. In the same way I wouldn’t let someone come up and punch me, I shouldn’t let people come up and have a conversation with me that I don’t want. I often am surprised when people are rude to me. I am stunned that they are walking all over my boundaries. These are boundaries that I feel are perfectly normal ones. I do have an unusual reaction when my lines are crossed, however. For many years I would develop a sort of deer-in-the-headlights response to unprovoked attacks. Someone would just start yelling at me for no reason. I would then just stand there and take it. This situation then created a fear response in me. I would be shell-shocked and be afraid that other people would suddenly jump on me. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy because they would “read” my fear. Bullies can always read fear, and will take any opportunity to jump on someone they perceive as weaker.

Two things helped. One – I went on a drug that is for high heart rate and high blood pressure. But it is also for stage-fright. It stops the flight-or-fight response. My flight-or-fight was neither – it was stand there and take it. And at the same time I was watching the show “The Dog Whisperer”. He was all about the idea of having a calm assertive energy. It was amazing watching him walk into a room where a hyperactive dog was. The dog would see him and he would calm down instantly. People aren’t dogs, but they are animals. We forget that. We forget that we respond to unspoken clues all the time. We forget that we “read” energy. If someone acts like they are going to get jumped on, they usually do. If that same someone projects a calm energy, expecting everything to go well, it usually does. This is totally sounds like blaming the victim, but it works. You have the power to change your environment, but you have to take the first step of being aware that you can – and then being aware of how you present yourself. Sometimes it is also time to reinforce those walls.

What do you do if you see a child being abused? What do you do if you are the abuser? Some parents think that just because they aren’t hitting their children, they are not abusing them. Child abuse takes many forms. You don’t have to hit to hurt.

From the Gospel according to Luke, chapter 11 we hear these lines. 11“Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he?12“Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he?” There are plenty of parents who do give snakes and scorpions. They take the form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. They take the form of neglect for physical, mental, and emotional needs.

So many people don’t know where to go for help. So many people don’t know how to ask for help. There is a lot of shame in our society with asking for help. You may feel like you should be able to do it on your own. You may feel like you are admitting weakness. You feel stupid. You feel helpless.

But what is the saying – there are no stupid questions. It is stupid to not ask for help. It is stupid to try again and again on your own and fail and not seek help. There are other people who know what to do. Maybe you don’t get the right one on the first try. Maybe it takes a lot of work to find the right person or agency who can help. Maybe it isn’t exactly what you need but it is something. It is a start. Just the fact that you are asking for help is good.

I have seen more than my fair share of parents who are not very good with their children. There is nothing about having a child that makes you a competent parent. No magic happens that transforms your terrible upbringing into perfect parenting skills. Sometimes all the child gets is a warm place to stay and some food and clothes. But that isn’t enough. Children aren’t pets. They need a lot of time and attention and patience.

There is a lot of pressure to have children, and often that pressure is not helpful. Raising children is a very important job and shouldn’t be taken on because of peer pressure. People asked me all the time when I got married when I was going to have children as if my personal business was suddenly of public importance. I said that I wasn’t going to have children. They invariably answered that my opinion would change when I had one. Hmmm. What if it doesn’t ? What if I have a child and I still don’t want a child? What then? Would I become just like the people I see every day who are absolutely miserable being parents? I don’t just mean miserable at being parents. I mean the fact that they are parents makes them miserable.

It isn’t a joyful thing for everyone. It is very hard work. Something I like to say when people really push me on the subject is that I want to have a dog. But I know that I don’t have the time, money, or patience to have one. I know how much effort is required to raise a good dog. If I know I am not mature enough to have a dog, I certainly shouldn’t have a child. When people hear this line of reasoning they usually back off and agree with me about my decision. This conversation happens a lot, often with total strangers. I find it weird.

Perhaps this social pressure is harder than some people can bear. They decide to have a child even though they really haven’t thought it through. They have a child, and it turns out that they aren’t very good at being a parent. They growl at their child. Every statement to the child carries the feeling of “I hate you. You are a waste of my time. You embarrass me.” The parent may not say these words, but it isn’t the words that carry the feeling. It is the tone. Sometimes they do say the words. Sometimes every statement to the child is a yell. Sometimes the only time they talk to their child is to tell them what they are doing wrong. There is no patience, no encouragement, no building up. No wonder their children act out. They have learned that the only way they get attention is by being bad. Any attention, even negative attention, is better than nothing.

Sometimes the parents don’t say anything at all. Neglect is also abuse. There was a father I saw who was spending all his time texting when he should have been tending his daughter. He was sitting next to her while she was coloring but he might as well have been in another country. She was trying to draw a card for her mom and needed some help. She repeatedly asked her dad how to spell a word. I was nearby and waited to see what his reaction was. Four times she asked how to spell a word. Four times she was ignored. I became very frustrated that he was choosing to text someone rather than help his daughter. I spoke to the daughter – “I’m so sorry that your father has chosen to spend his time on his cell phone rather than help you. I’m so sorry that he cannot see you as the precious gift from God that you are.” Both father and daughter were initially shocked. The dad thought that I was chiding her for talking loudly. They came to understand that I wasn’t upset with her at all. I’m upset with him for failing to parent. He immediately put down his phone and helped her.

I have heard a mom call her young son “Little shit.” It was under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear it. I have a strong suspicion that this attitude is normal from her. I think some parents are simply unaware of the capacity of a child. A child at 4 cannot be expected to behave like a person of 30. They have limits. They can only handle so much. They don’t come out perfectly formed. That is the job of the parent – to raise them. To yell at a child for behaving as a child is a sign that the parent needs help.

There is a place near where I live called “The Chapel Events Venue.” It looks like a small country church. This led me to wonder what kind of people would hold events there, and what kind of events. I have a strong suspicion that it is primarily used for weddings.

But then this begs the question, why would you want to have your wedding in a fake church? If having a wedding in a church building is important, then why aren’t you a member of a church? Is it that the idea of getting married in church is important? Is it more personal than getting married at the courthouse? It isn’t where you get married that makes the marriage stick, but perhaps it helps you get your head in the right place.

But then why have a fake church wedding? If going to church isn’t important to you then why go through the motions on your wedding day? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m totally for people not feeling compelled to go to church and for many opportunities for people to get married. I don’t understand why it is so hard to get someone to officiate at your wedding if you aren’t part of a religious community. For a civil union it is really just a legal contract. Why can’t an attorney perform the ceremony? Why can’t there be a little kiosk in Wal-Mart or Sears like they have for eyeglasses and haircuts?

This may seem callous and cold. Should it be that easy to get married? Look how hard it is right now and yet the divorce rate is so high. Perhaps making it easier to find a place and an officiant would make it possible for more people to get married. I support the idea of premarital counseling. In Tennessee the fee to get a marriage license is cut dramatically if you can prove you have had six hours of counseling. It isn’t mandatory but there is a definite incentive. Honestly I don’t think six hours is anywhere enough time to get you acclimated to the reality of sharing your life with another person.

Perhaps what we need to make it easier to get married but harder to get divorced. If you go into marriage thinking that it is easy to get out if then you probably won’t work at it when it gets hard. Marriage shouldn’t be a disposable item. Once you decide it doesn’t fit you can’t take it to Goodwill and trade it out for another one in a different style.

Marriage isn’t for everyone. It is really hard. There isn’t really anything that prepares you for how strange it can be. Often it is a weird blend of two people who have a lot of baggage and problems. Then you realize it is a weird blend of two families who have the same issues. While you are trying to work out your own mess you have another person’s mess to deal with. There sometimes is no getting around the idea that you are both very different people with very different needs and ideas about how to do things.

Perhaps classes on nonviolent conflict resolution would be helpful. Certainly both should take home economics classes. There should be counseling available if you think you might want to have children. There should be further counseling to teach you how to prevent having children if you don’t want them.

Right now we leave this all to chance. We assume that parents teach their children all these skills. It has become woefully obvious that this isn’t happening. People are getting marriage advice more from TV and movies than from real people.

There also needs to be a mindset change that it is OK to be single. There are a stunning amount of books for women who are over 30 who haven’t found “Mister Right” yet. Why are women so encouraged to find a man? Why aren’t women encouraged to be whoever they need to be? Why are women made to feel that they aren’t quite complete unless they are married? I think this contributes to a lot of divorces. If you enter into marriage thinking that this someone else is going to fix all your problems then you just have created another problem. Another person can’t fix you. Two broken people don’t make a strong union.

Perhaps marriage needs to be seen as an option rather than an expectation. It is should be the same way with children. There is an immense amount of pressure to have children. When I got married everyone felt that it was their business to ask when I was going to have children, and to then bully me when I said I wasn’t interested. What, are they salesmen? Is there some bonus prize for making the population bigger? Total strangers would hound me about my private life. What is it about getting married that says it is anybody’s business if I spawn or not?

A simple “No” does not suffice. When I say that I don’t want children, people would always counter with “That attitude will change once you have them.” I would always answer – “What if it doesn’t?” They aren’t like puppies. You can’t give them back. You are stuck with them. Well, you can put them up for adoption, but that is a long process. I know far too many people who were obviously overwhelmed with their first child who then proceeded to have more. I hear that it gets logarithmically harder with each one. I know plenty of adults who are still raising themselves and have no business trying to raise children.

But then this leads us back to the beginning. What is the impetus to get children baptized when the parents don’t go to church? If you don’t believe in raising your child as a Christian, then why baptize your child in a Christian church? Is there some “just in case” magic that is going on here? Does baptism hedge bets? This was driven home when I talked with a chaplain at a children’s hospital. It was very common for parents of a child who was dying to ask that the child be baptized. If baptism alone is enough to ensure you’re “In” then why even go to church at all?

I used to smoke not only clove cigarettes but pot. With both I was trying to avoid my problems. I used to get really fidgety if I couldn’t have a smoke when I wanted it. When I was at work I would look forward to getting home so I could smoke as much as I wanted. This was especially true when I’d had a bad experience. Perhaps somebody had yelled at me, generally over a misunderstanding. In my opinion the majority of the blame was always on them. (Here lies another problem.) All I wanted to do was get home quickly so I could smoke and start feeling good. Then one day I thought about it differently. I was letting them “win”. The patron who was driving me up the wall was driving me to smoke and ruin my health. Of course, that patron didn’t have a gun to my head. I was doing the smoking. I was choosing something bad to counter something bad. This makes no sense but it happens all the time.

I had a friend who had posted that she saw a roach in her house. She was so freaked out that she had to smoke. I commented that the cigarette was doing her more harm than the roach. She then absolutely went thermonuclear on me. This is someone who knows that both my parents died from smoking so this is a really sensitive and important subject with me. Her rant went on for quite a long time. Either Facebook has a limit on how much you can say in a message or she kept coming back up for air in her rant. Boy she was mad. There were at least 6 long messages, one after the other in quick succession. I didn’t even read every word. I said “I’m sorry” as honestly and sincerely as I could and that was all. That kind of reaction cannot be soothed by anything, so it was best to be short.

The part that really interests me is that she then said that my comment to her made her go smoke more. Really? It doesn’t work like that. I didn’t force her to do anything. In fact, I was trying to encourage her to stop smoking. She chose to smoke. She chose to make it a situation where she felt powerless. She chose to feel as if my statement caused her reaction. This is a sense of giving over your power to another human being. How is this different from being a puppet or a slave?

If I had that much power I’d use it far better. But I don’t have that power at all. Her reaction was proof that she was acting in the passive. She was not in control of her own actions or I suspect even her own life. I know from previous talks with her (they weren’t really conversations so much as monologues) that she was physically abused as a child. This story came up apropos of nothing. It was a bit embarrassing to be shown her dirty laundry right there sitting at a friend’s table while we were painting.

While I feel grateful that people trust me with really deep private stories, I feel embarrassed and helpless when the stories come up unbidden. It is as if a friend is sick but has no symptoms. Then she starts throwing up – and I wasn’t prepared with a bucket. I need a bit of warning to know how to handle those big emotions and feelings that occur when someone tells something really heavy.

In a way, I’m glad that she told me her story in that way. It let me know how deeply damaged she is. I’m sad for her and I know that I’m not qualified to carry that burden for her. It also gave me an insight into why she blamed me for her smoking. She is used to being the victim. She is used to things happening to her. She does not see her life as her own, and the feelings she had as a child were unbearable. Feelings that aren’t processed will come out later in really unusual and often disturbing ways.

It is like a hackberry bush. You can try to cut it down, but if you don’t dig up the entire thing it will send out new shoots and be bigger and more difficult to manage than ever.

I’ve read about processing grief – and this is grief. Grief isn’t just about a death of a loved one. It is about loss. Losing a job, divorce, moving, a diagnosis of a chronic ailment – these can all produce grief. If you don’t get grief out it can manifest itself in addictions and compulsions that cause even more problems. In all those situations there is a sense of powerlessness. Things aren’t as we think they should be. Life is not following the script.

There are things you can do in the sense of overwhelming grief that help. The best results were from cultures that really wailed about grief. They got really loud and waved their arms. This is totally foreign to white American culture. It is normal for us to grieve in private or not at all. We feel that grief is embarrassing and should be done at home, silently. Perhaps we see grief as too personal.

Perhaps we have a problem when anything from “inside” ourselves gets “outside”. In the same way we have prohibitions about nudity, we have prohibitions about showing too much emotion. It is seen as gauche or tacky. It isn’t civilized.

Sometimes there are new ways to express grief. Sometimes I think they miss the point. There are those roadside memorials that are for people who have died in car accidents. I feel like they have been around only in the past ten years. These little reminders of death in the midst of life are odd to me, partly because they aren’t reminders to me at all. I didn’t know this person. I don’t even know their family or friends. Why is this display here? Why are they for traffic accidents and not everything? Are we going to have memorials everywhere for everyone? Am I going to walk into a building tomorrow and see a memorial for someone who died of a heart attack right there by the elevator?

Then there are those car decals. These have appeared in the past few years. They usually say something like “In loving memory of Dustin.” Sometimes there are praying hands. Often the birth and death dates are there. This to me is stranger than the memorial tattoos. This is more public, and more anonymous. If you have a tattoo of your loved one on your arm, I’m not going to see it all the time. I’ll only see it when you show it to me or if we are both working out at the Y. But on your car, I’m going to be able to read it when I stop behind you at every traffic light on the way to Target.

People have a habit of memorializing their dead relatives on Facebook. “Happy Birthday Granny! You would have been 103 today! I miss you.” This creeps me out the most. What is the point of the message? I could understand it more if the post was more like “Today would have been my grandmother’s birthday. She died 17 years ago and I still miss her.” At least there is an audience for that post. Your friends can read it and console you. But in the first post the audience is dead. It feels like I’m reading mail that was misdelivered. And how long is this going to go on? Every year? When is grief over? I like the Jewish concept of grieving. There are specific time periods and specific actions for grief. There are levels that are allowed, and there is a time that you must get back into the community. You can’t wall yourself off forever.

Perhaps we all need better ways to process our grief. Perhaps we need better ways to identify it first. Perhaps we need regular rituals to get it out.

Or is this just another way to compartmentalize it and shove it away in a box?

Death used to be something we did with family. Now it is handled by professionals. Aunt Bertha used to die at home, surrounded by family. Her body was lovingly washed and then clothed in her favorite dress. She was laid out in the living room for friends to gather around. These days, Aunt Bertha would die in a hospital, and if she wasn’t alone when she died, she’d be with strangers. The nurses would note her passing. They’d write her name on a chart. They’d call the attendants who would take her out like so much trash. Then the funeral home guys come, and a stranger processes the body. Just reading about that process makes me want to die in a house fire rather than in a car accident. At least in a house fire my body is automatically cremated, rather than embalmed and stuffed. I don’t want to look “natural” at my funeral.

But really, I don’t have a choice. What will happen will happen. I can tell my loved ones what I would like but there is no guarantee it will happen. Everything about death is loss of power. You aren’t in control. You have no say as to what happens. It is an inevitable event. It will happen. It is the great equalizer.

Perhaps people keep the same boyfriend or spouse who is at worst abusive and at best lazy and unmotivated out of that same sense of fear. Perhaps people stick with the same dead-end job for the same reason. Perhaps all sense of powerlessness comes from a root fear of death. Perhaps the root of this comes from a sense of a loss of control. Perhaps our need for control is the problem.

In order to take something on, you have to give something up. There really is only so much time in the day. What with going to work and having to sleep, you sometimes have to learn to multitask in order to have time to do what you really want to do. Sometimes by giving something up you actually gain a lot more.

A few years ago my husband and I had to make a lot of sacrifices because the roof, water heater, and A/C unit all needed replacing. We didn’t have anywhere near that kind of money saved up. We had to get a second mortgage, which would mean having to pay an extra $200 a month to the bank. So little things went away first. The home phone service was cancelled in favor of our cell phones. Then we dropped cable TV. Oh, and there went the weekly sushi dinners. Everything adds up. $5 a day for fancy coffee doesn’t seem like much, but in a year that is nearly $2000. Even my car got axed. We had a Mini Cooper, and it was $438 a month. Wowzers. When I think about how much money we spent on that car alone I’m a little embarrassed. So we traded it in for a car that was half the price.

There was a weird advantage to doing this. It caused us to reassess what mattered and what was important. In a way it was good that everything broke at the same time – it meant that we got all the big stuff over with. It will be many years before anything major breaks. But then there was something even better. The second mortgage was for a fixed amount. We couldn’t get exactly the amount we needed – we had to get a little more. It turned out that we had enough money to build the screened porch we’ve always wanted. That porch has been a nice addition to the house and a way to enjoy each other’s company in a new way because there are no electronic devices out there competing for our time.

Another sacrifice ended up creating much more. I wanted to start going to the Y, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to afford it. I had eaten lunch out every day when I went to work. It was a great way to escape work. That break was enough to convince my head that it wasn’t an 8 hour day or a 10 hour day. It was like having two part-time days. But that was a lot of money that was being spent. So I committed to eating a healthy frozen dinner at least three times a week.

I was very resistant to this because I thought I needed that escape. But then I realized that I had more time to read. And then I started bringing jewelry projects to work on. Both of these were fun, and gave my mind a break. Then I noticed that it was a really pretty day outside, and there is a walking path just outside the break room door. So I went on a walk. I now go on a walk for 20 minutes every day before lunch. It is a sacrifice, but it is also a gain. People are noticing how much weight I’ve lost. I feel better. I sleep better. And the slight exercise is like a little vacation for my head in the same way that leaving for lunch was. It turns out that I gained all this extra time because I didn’t have to drive to and from the restaurant. In losing something I thought I wanted, I gained so much more. I’ve taken this lesson with me. When I’m faced with something new that I’m resistant to, I’m trying to see if it creates a better opportunity that I hadn’t noticed before.

Sometimes the thing you have to give up is time. My Dad constantly talked about his Beethoven book. Throughout my life he said he was writing a book on Beethoven. He loved everything about that composer, and found great solace in listening to his work over and over. I lost track of the times I’d found him lying in his recliner, earphones on, eyes closed. But when Dad died, there was no trace of a manuscript to be found. I had hoped that I could piece it together and create the book for him, but it was all in his head. This taught me not to wait. You can talk about your dreams and goals all you want, but you have to give them form sometimes. You have to take time to make them real.

I’d like to write more in this blog. But there is only so much time in the day. So something has to go. Currently I’m giving up writing in my journal in the morning. If I write my thoughts on the computer instead of in a journal, I can then shuffle them around so they make more sense. I can add in or delete sentences that work. I think that perhaps what I say in my journal and what I say here will be different things. I’ll have to see if this works. I might need that private voice. I might need that morning exercise. It is all a work in progress.

To find more time and more peace of mind I stopped reading the news a few years ago. I thought that was going to be a hard thing to give up, but I’ve realized since that I don’t really want to read the news that is offered. The “news” really means “bad news”. Have you noticed that every time you go to the news on the Google page, the only thing it tells you is about some new war or somebody dying? Have you noticed that it is gossip about celebrities that you get from the MSN page? Have you noticed that it is all Chicken Little stuff from the Yahoo page? You’d think the solar flares would have wiped us all back to the stone age by now, with all the times that they say they are going to interrupt cell phone and internet activity. So I get my news from friends and Facebook, which is itself another time-suck and is going to require a lot of discipline. I’m still trying to figure out a proper balance with that.

Sometimes the only way I can get anything done is to do the important, must-do things first. Sometimes figuring what those things out is the hard part. And sometimes part of my problem is that what I think is important isn’t important at all. Sometimes I’ve done things that way for so long that I don’t even remember why I’ve done it that way, and it has lost all its significance. Sometimes having to give something up is really freeing. Sometimes a loss is really a blessing in disguise.