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Shame

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I’ve heard a lot recently about how teachers should be aware of how their behavior might cause their students to feel shame. They are supposed to do away with all measures of success because it will make the lower performing students feel shame. Sure, each child has a different learning style. Sure, each child learns at a different pace. So some kids will not be on the same level as others. This is normal.

But something seems wrong about this.

If every kid makes an “A” for effort, then an “A” doesn’t mean anything. Why work hard? Why study? Your grade will be the same as everyone else’s. There is no motivation to improve. There is no feedback as to how you are doing.

The world doesn’t work like this. When they graduate they won’t be in a work environment that congratulates them for just showing up. When they enter the work world they will wonder why people don’t appreciate it when they spend an hour on Facebook and Twitter rather than working. Why try? Why work? You’ll get the same grade, right? They will be in for a rude awakening.

It isn’t healthy to treat “average” as “amazing”. Does it cause “shame” to encourage a child to try his best?

It would be better to teach kids how to have self respect. They need to learn how to love themselves as they are. They need to be OK with being different – because we all are different. They need to learn self esteem.

Being different isn’t wrong.

Having the wrong answer doesn’t make them a bad person.

Learning this will save them a lot of trouble throughout life.

How much of this is the responsibility of the teacher, and how much of this is the responsibility of the parents? How come teachers are being expected to do much more than teach?

Sure, a teacher needs to be mindful of what she says. We all do. That is just part of being a good person. But the other part of the equation is that the parents have to do what they can to teach their children to not lose it every time they get a less than perfect grade.

It doesn’t mean the kid is bad. It just means he has to work harder, or find a different way to learn the material. That is a good lesson for life in general.

Will post for food…

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I read a story lately about a lady who was in dire straits. She posted on a local Facebook page saying that she needed help and didn’t know what to do.

She said that she really needed help. She was a single mom and had two little girls, one 7 and one nearly 2. She said that she was about to be evicted because she hadn’t paid her rent, she didn’t have any food, and she didn’t have winter clothes for the girls. She said she was starting a job on Monday but wouldn’t be paid until two weeks later.

Plenty of things don’t sound right about this.

Apartments don’t kick you out for nonpayment of rent for the first month. They usually wait at least two months. So this has been going on for a while.

If she has custody of the children, she should be getting child support. She didn’t mention anything about this. Perhaps she is a widow. Again, no mention.

No food? No winter clothes? Did she just wake up from a coma and notice that something might need to be done? How has she survived this long with this basic inability to plan ahead?

And why is she asking for help from strangers? Why isn’t she asking family or friends? I have a suspicion she already has asked them before and they are tired of rescuing her.

I know that as Christians we are not supposed to question those who ask for help. We are not supposed to judge their worthiness. But there has to be some accountability going on. Otherwise we should all quit our jobs and start begging. Wait – that won’t work. Then who would give us money if they too didn’t have a job?

I remember seeing a guy on the side of the road with a sign saying that he needed a new roof. When I needed a new roof I got a second mortgage. I had asked my family if I could get a loan from them, having never asked before, and I got quickly turned down. So I had to figure out another way. Standing on the side of the road with a cardboard sign never occurred to me as something that was OK. It still doesn’t seem OK.

At what point is helping someone not helping at all? At what point is helping someone just encouraging them to keep needing help?

I’m reminded of the phrase –“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can feed himself for the rest of his life.”

At what point do we have to show “tough love” and make people have to be responsible for their own lives?

Showing up late.

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Don’t show up at a store minutes before they close. They have been open for hours, waiting for you. Your money isn’t worth waiting another ten minutes. If they stay open another ten minutes for you, then what if another person comes during that time? Then that is another ten minutes.

They want to go home. They have their own lives to tend to. They have children to pick up from babysitters or daycare. They have groceries that need to be bought and dinner that needs to be cooked.

I’m grateful that I now work in a place where when close at 8, it means 8. I’ve worked a lot of retail and a lot of late nights because of it. There is no staying late at the library. Well, there is staying late if you are the person in charge and somebody has neglected to pick up their children. Then you have to wait for the parent to come. If the parent takes longer than 30 minutes, then the police are called and the child goes with them. That is thoughtless of the parent. Thoughtless is another word for rude.

It is rude to show up at a shop at the last minute. It is assuming that your needs are more important than their needs. Sure, this may be a small business and it relies on your money to survive. But they shouldn’t be made to feel like they are groveling for your money. If you really wanted to help them out, show up when they are open. To show up at the last minute and not be through when the closing time is to insist that you are more important than they are.

You aren’t.

Now, they aren’t more important than you either. There has to be a balance. This has to be an equal relationship. It is as if you are dating a guy and he insists that you go to horror films and you hate horror films. But you are desperate to date him, so you keep going out with him to these films. So you keep feeling bad, and he keeps feeling good. A relationship is healthy only when both people are happy. To insist that they stay late for you, especially when they aren’t going to make a lot of money on the transaction, is only going to make you happy. It is going to make them miserable.

The customer isn’t always right.

I agree with businesses that close on time and kick people out. They have to draw the line somewhere. If they tick off a customer doing that, fine. A customer that does not respect the employee’s time isn’t the kind of customer that is desired.

Worse is the restaurant business. If the place says it closes at 9, that just means that they take the last people in at 9. They could then place their order and lounge around until 11. It is very common that they will not tip to make up the difference. You may think that the waitress and chefs are being paid for that time. They aren’t being paid much – and they too have places they want to go. They too have families they would like to see. They have a life outside of work, and they would like to get to it. If a restaurant closes at 9, be courteous and be done by 9. Don’t just get started then. They will resent you.

I have worked retail for many years of my life and I have repeatedly had nightmares with people coming in late, saying “But I just…” In these nightmares, the people won’t leave. We are trying to close the doors and more keep coming in. Then more people come in after them. Then we are stuck there for an hour or more. The bad part is that the nightmare isn’t far from reality.

Trust me, your money isn’t worth that. If you can’t be bothered to shop during regular hours, they don’t need your business. Businesses should not have to beg for your business. Part of being a good customer is respecting their time.

Art-spiration

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Feeling the art blues? Haven’t made anything in a while? What do you do when you need to get your creative juices flowing?

Inspiration comes from many places. Try something different.

Go to a museum.

Go for a walk. Look at the colors. Look at your neighbor’s houses. Look at your neighbor’s dog. Take pictures to remind yourself later when you get home.

Read a book and make something the main character would wear.

Look at a magazine that has nothing to do with art. I find a lot of inspiration from architecture magazines.

Watch a movie and try to replicate something you see there with the supplies you have. Don’t replicate it literally, replicate how it makes you feel.

Try limiting yourself. Some of the most amazing pieces were ones I made from using just two (of the 14) bead bins I have. I decided I could not get any other beads – I had to use just those.

Make up a rule – only two colors, or only two textures.

Only use beads that were purchased from the same store, or the same state.

Use only one kind of art supply.

Use all the beads you can’t stand and put them together and see what happens.

Set a deadline – five things must be made by a week from now.

Sign up to do a show. That will force you to make stuff.

Have an art-date with a crafty friend. You both get together to make something, and you’ll be inspired seeing what the other person makes.

Buy more art supplies. Nothing inspires me more than getting new beads or a new tool.

Buy art supplies in places that don’t sell art supplies – like the grocery or the hardware store.

Only use materials that you found, or were given.

Have an art-swap, where your fellow crafty friends bring all the art supplies they don’t want or use. Trade. Make something.

Organize the supplies you have – you’ll find stuff you’ve forgotten and see combinations you’ve never noticed.

And just make. Make something, even if you don’t feel it. Sometimes the stuff that people are most impressed by is the stuff that I made in 10 minutes without thinking about it. Put something together, then put something else together.

John 3:17 – Jesus came not to condemn…

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So many Christians like to quote John 3:16. You know it. “16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

They don’t go on to quote the next line. John 3:17 is really powerful. “17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”

Jesus didn’t come to condemn us.

He came to let us know that we are loved and forgiven and needed and beautiful. He came to let us know that we are precious right now, as we are.

We aren’t sinners. We aren’t guilty. We aren’t to blame.

We are human, and fallible, and faulty. We won’t ever get it right. And that is all right. That is who we are. That is part of the package deal we get with this human life.

Sure, we need to constantly examine our actions. Are we acting as well as we can? Are we trying to be kind to everyone? Are we treating everyone with kindness, regardless of their status or station?

Since Jesus came not to condemn, part of the job of Christians is to also not condemn. We must not judge. We have no business telling other people that their ways of living are wrong.

We have to examine ourselves only. The rules for living are for us only. God calls people. They won’t seek God because we harass or berate them. Jesus doesn’t need people who follow him out of guilt. Remember, the Lord loves a cheerful giver.

Remember, go and sin no more. Once you know better, do better.

At least try.

And when you fail, try again. That too is part of the deal.

It isn’t the job of Christians to tell other people how to live their lives. It is the job of Christians to follow Jesus. Jesus didn’t berate others. So we shouldn’t either.

Poem – adoption, alone

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We are all adopted. We are all lost, drifting.

No matter how your parents
are related to you
biologically, legally
makes no difference.

We are all just trying to find our way home.

People who are dying often say they just want to go home,
even if they are in their living room at the time.

We all want to go home. We are all lost.
We all crave belonging.

The gang member, the biker, the kid in the black trenchcoat,
all are trying to find themselves.

We are all shuffling, rubbing up against each other
saying the secret passwords of our tribe
hoping they will let us in.

Every one of us suffers from a little bit of abandonment

now and then

every one of us
wonders where we fit in.

Even when we are
together
with family
we know
deep down
we are all faking it.

We all have to find our way
out of here
and back to where we belong.

We all have to find ourselves.

We look to others to do it.
We hope to see our own reflection
in them.

We join clubs, we go to conventions,
and momentarily
we feel home.
Momentarily
we feel that we are understood.

But when we get back from the meeting
back from the show
we are left
by ourselves, alone again.

If we are not happy
by ourselves
we cannot truly be happy
with others.

We are all faking it,
this connection.

We are always trying to go home
By going somewhere we are not.

Book addiction

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You might be addicted to books if you understand this –

That feeling to get when your book runs out before your lunch does, and you forgot to bring a back up.

When you finish a book and you don’t want to start another because you are still in the world you were reading.

That delightful feeling when you find a new-to-you author who has a lot of books in a series. Finding a series means you don’t have to get acquainted with new characters.

That feeling when you really love a book and you realize there isn’t a series, so you will never learn anything more about those characters.

Not wanting to finish a book because you don’t want it to end.

Always having a spare book in your car just in case.

Having more books on your to-read list than you have time.

Going to used book stores when you are on vacation in the hopes you will find a new favorite book.

You have library cards in vacation places you visit regularly.

You talk about book characters as if they were real.

You have flashbacks of what book you were reading the last time you were in that restaurant.

You get your friends to read the same books you are reading so they will understand what you are talking about.

You have an understanding with your spouse that you will both be reading books when you go out to eat.

Snake parents

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Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:9-12
9 Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? 10 Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him! 12 “In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.”

It certainly sounds like everyone was certainly very nice back in Jesus’ time. No child abuse then! Life isn’t that easy now. Plenty of parents are abusive. “Dysfunctional” is the new normal.

So how can you possibly even approach the idea of God the Father if your own father was a jerk? There are plenty of parents who give their children stones instead of bread and snakes instead of fishes. We read about them in the paper. We hear about them on the talk shows. They are the reason we have a Department of Human Services.

No wonder people don’t believe in God. They can’t possibly believe in God when their own parents abuse them. Their visible example of parents is horrible, so how can they get the idea of an invisible parent? If God is bigger and greater than your parents, then who would want a bigger and greater example of terrible?

Perhaps this is why so many people who call themselves Christians feel that “God hates…” (fill in the blank). God doesn’t hate. God loves. Perhaps they heard their parents tell them they weren’t worthy, they weren’t valuable, they weren’t loved. So they took the next logical step and decided if their own parents acted like this, then God did it more so.

But this isn’t God. God seeks us out. God searches for us, individually, like the lost sheep, like the lost coin, like the lost son. God cares about us personally and deeply.

It might be helpful to throw away the notion of God as being just like our parents, but more so. God is love, perfected. God created us because we are needed. None of us are accidents. We are all wanted.

Let us hear the words of Jesus in Luke 15:1-24

First He tells us about the lost sheep.
1Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. 2 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.” 3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Then He goes on to tell us about the lost coin.

8 “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? 9 And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ 10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Then He tells us about the lost son.

11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them. 13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. 17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.”

Jesus tells us three stories, but they are all the same story. They are the story of God’s relentless, unfailing love for us. God is constantly seeking us. God is above and beyond our human conception of love. God is the source of love, and the source of us.

Know that you are loved, beyond measure.

On adoption.

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I’ve met some people with some pretty unhealthy ideas about adoption.

I know a lady who became a grandmother accidentally. Her son and his girlfriend learned that they were expecting. I had written that “he got her pregnant” but that makes her a passive agent. It takes two to get pregnant. They had sex before they were able to handle the possible repercussions. They might or might not have been using birth control – it doesn’t matter now. She got pregnant. It happens.

It happens a lot more than it should. It is stunning that America, a nation that has free education, that we are so ignorant about how to not get pregnant. It isn’t rocket science.

Having sex is like playing Russian roulette with your life. It can be fun, or you could die from a sexually transmitted disease. Or you could end up pregnant, which will end life as you know it. The risks are too high to play the game if you aren’t ready to deal with the consequences.

According to the CDC, the amount of unintended pregnancies in the United States is nearly 50%. Also according to the CDC, women who get unintentionally pregnant are more likely to be very young, unhealthy, and undereducated. They are already at a disadvantage and getting pregnant puts them even further into the hole.

Let’s go back to the couple from the beginning. They are both in their early 20s and they fight constantly. They don’t make enough money to support themselves, so they live with the boy’s parents. The girl’s parents do not provide any money or support at all. The son works in fast food and the girl works as a part-time bartender. They share a car. This has gone on for over a year. The tension in the house is to the point that the grandmother goes for counseling now.

It doesn’t have to be this way. I suggested adoption and the grandmother recoiled at it. No – this was her grandson. Strangers won’t be raising him.

This can’t be better. I’ve never seen this child smile. Just because he is with his birth parents doesn’t mean they are the best for him. It doesn’t mean they are qualified to be parents. They still need parents themselves. They are too young, too immature, and too selfish to be good parents.

I knew another lady who said that if she ever got unintentionally pregnant, she would have an abortion rather than put the child up for adoption. She admitted that she didn’t like the idea of a stranger raising her child. So she would rather kill it. This makes no sense at all.

I think for some people, putting their child up for adoption is like admitting they made a mistake. Their pride gets in the way of making a good decision for the well-being of their child.

Adoption provides a loving home for a child. Adoption means that the child is welcomed and wanted and provided for. Adoption means that the child has the best possible chance of a happy life.

Putting a child up for adoption isn’t a mark of failure. It is putting your child first. It is pride to keep a child in poverty and misery just because you are too stubborn to admit that you can’t do it all.

The weird part about the grandmother in the first example is that she adopted her son, the one who is a father now. She understands what adoption is like from the other side. She understands how long adoptive parents wait, and how relieved they are when they finally get that call that tells them they have a child. She understands all about the background checks and the tests that prospective adoptive parents go through.

Adoptive parents aren’t strangers. Sure, they are strangers to you, but they have proven their merit. It isn’t like the adoption agency pulls some random person off the street and hands them your child. There are a lot of tests involved.

The tests that prospective adoptive parents go through should be mandatory for anybody who thinks they want to have children. There are physical exams. Psychological exams. Financial exams. They are tested and probed in every way possible to determine if they would make fit parents. They are tested to see if they have what it takes in every way possible.

Love isn’t enough to raise a child. It takes a lot of money and a lot of maturity. Sometimes the best thing you can do is admit that you don’t have enough of either. Why compound a problem by making it worse?

Ideally, there would be no unintended pregnancies. Ideally, everyone would get pregnant only when they are ready to. Until that time comes, adoption is a loving response.

The beginning of awakening…

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I am always amused when strangers quote Paul to me to justify why every word in the Bible is perfect, specifically that it is “God-breathed.” I’m not a Paulian, but so many people are. They love Paul because he’s against everything they are against.

Paul was against women who asked questions and against gay people in general. He was also against marriage, but people seem to forget that. Paul was all about everybody being single and celibate.

Somehow people are getting confused by my posts, which is the last thing I want. I’m for the Bible. I am Christian. I also believe that God is so big and so amazing that all sacred texts have the “breath of God” in them. I believe that God loves us all, across time and across cultures, and has tried to reach us all in various ways throughout history and all over the world. I believe that God is still revealing truth to us.

I don’t expect everybody to follow along with me when I say these things. I’m no Bible scholar. I’m not an expert in anything. I have no credentials. So if you don’t agree with me there is no reason to get your bloomers in a twist. Arguing with me in the comments section won’t further your belief system. I encourage you to write your own blog post. You’ll reach more people.

It is my belief. My opinion. I’m not going to back it up with “proof” or quote chapter and verse. If people get it and agree with me, great. If they don’t, I’m not going to argue with them.

Jesus says “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. (Matthew 10:14)

Either you get it or you don’t.

My view of God is bigger than a book. My view of God is bigger than any denomination or creed. My view of God isn’t locked down to any one belief system. God is bigger than all of that.

“The name that can be named is not the eternal name.” – Lao Tzu.

If you feel a need to argue and debate, stop. Think. Why are you so upset about this? What makes you feel like you have to fight these ideas?

Is it perhaps that deep down you are afraid I’m right?

The beginning of awakening is heralded by just such a struggle.