I opened a big heavy door last night. Behind the door was a tiny woman in a large wheelchair. I felt instantly that there was no way she could have opened that door on her own – her size alone would have made it difficult. Being in a wheelchair would make it near impossible. She looked like she had been waiting there a long time.
I asked her if I could open the door for her. A simple thing, and compassionate, I thought. I was trying to think of her needs.
She looked down her nose at me and said “I’m not a cripple.”
I was stunned. I felt as if I’d been slapped. Chastised. I hadn’t said or implied anything of the sort. I stammered that I open doors for everyone. I got nothing but a glare from her.
Storming down the hallway towards me was her male companion. He was very large – sci-fi convention large, and similarly hairy. He was rushing towards us, explaining something about how she isn’t a cripple, or doesn’t want help, or something like that. I got the impression that he has to excuse/explain her interactions with well-meaning strangers all the time.
I was speechless. I walked away, away from them, away from their issues, away from their backstory.
I wasn’t feeling very compassionate right then.
My thought when I walked away was a reply to “I’m not a cripple.” was to say, “OK, but you are a bitch.”
Perhaps she doesn’t want people to feel sorry for her. Perhaps she doesn’t want people to treat her differently. Perhaps she has a lot of baggage to this backstory, more baggage than can be accommodated on the average airplane.
But there has to be some word here. Something I’m missing to help unlock this. I open doors for everyone. For her to assume that I’m being, what? Condescending? Demeaning? Belittling? To her that is rude. It is like reverse racism where someone assumes that I’m going to treat them badly because I’m not the same race as them.
It is like being snapped at by a dog when you offer it food. She isn’t a dog, of course. But her behavior isn’t very human or humane.
I’m missing a word here that would explain this, that would define it. Perhaps a word doesn’t exist. Perhaps if I sketch out the shape around the word, it will fill itself in.
It makes me want to not offer to open doors for anyone, especially someone in a wheelchair. But then they may think that I’m being thoughtless and self centered.
I’m sorry for her, but not for her physical disability but for her emotional one.
And I know that feeling sorry for someone isn’t helpful, or compassionate, or desired. In a way, I wish I’d had more time to get to understand where she is coming from, but I don’t think she is in a place where she is going to share that. And I have to remember not to categorize every other person in a wheelchair the same way – they might not feel the same as she does, and they might appreciate someone being thoughtful.
Or – they might feel the same way. This will have to be played out on a case by case basis. I never want to offend, or to upset. I want to help. If my helping causes harm, I need to stop. More mediation, more prayer, and more writing will help me know more of this. I know that acting from a place of love is always a good start. It is hard to stand in that place when it is attacked. I want to learn from this. But I’m also concerned that this one bad interaction will cause me to stop, cause me to fear, cause me to be afraid that I’m going to get yelled at.
I want to open doors, but not if that steps on toes.
betsybeadhead 
You offered help from a place of friendly compassion. I open doors for people all the time, too. If they are carrying a bunch of stuff. If they are pushing a baby carriage. If they are on crutches. If they are right behind me & I don’t want to let the door slam in their faces. It’s just a common courtesy. If someone looks like they could use the extra assistance, I offer it. If they don’t, but I can do a simple random courteous action, I do it. I appreciate it when others do that for me.
But you know, you are probably feeling something that guys feel. There was a time when it was a common courtesy that men held doors for women, because that was a gender thing. It was the way they were raised. And then women said, I don’t need somebody to hold the door for me. I can do it myself. I’m CAPABLE.
Some women felt it was a sign that men thought women were somehow incapable of holding the door.
Some women felt that it was a sign of inequality in both directions … why don’t women hold doors for men as well as men holding doors for women?
And suddenly men found themselves getting bitch-slapped for doing something that they had been raised to do as a common courtesy, and so they stopped opening doors for women, & then they got bitched at by other women who thought they were being rude, or who thought “you certainly weren’t raised right, were you?” And then they didn’t know what to do.
I think this is sort of the same thing. You offered a gesture based in courtesy and compassion, something you do 10 times a day, something that is inherent in you trying to be the kind of person you want to be. You noticed something different about this person, and thought she might be in need of extra assistance, but you would have done this if she’d been an apparently fully abled person, as well.
This is a situation where you are off balance because her reaction was out of proportion to your intention, and you can’t control her reaction and you can’t explain your intention. In many ways, this is one of those frustrating places where you have to tell yourself that you can only control your actions and your intentions, and if you’ve done what you did out of the goodness of your heart and not out of some twisted sense of superiority or disdain for the other person, then all you can do is respect her wish not to be helped and walk away. The hardest part is trying to let go of the anger at having your gift thrown back at you. Because she’s entitled to refuse for her own reasons. It’s not a personal attack on you, even though it feels like it, even if she intended it to be. Because her reactions are based on what’s going on in her head, not on your actual motivations, if you see what I’m saying.
Hugs. This trying to walk in compassion & doing random acts of kindness thing is sometimes a bigger challenge than expected, and sometimes throws us the weirdest curve balls.
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This being human is hard : )
Good point about how hard it is for guys – what is the new rule? What do you do? Eh. You just go on, and try your best.
On Thu, Jul 11, 2013 at 8:57 AM, betsybeadhead
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Don’t take it too seriously. and don’t let it deter you from offering help in the future. I’ve been disabled for almost 44 years. As a newly disabled teenager I had a bit of an attitude, but time mellowed me out. Now, if I don’t need help, I smile and say, “No, but thanks for asking!” Who knows how long that lady has been in a wheelchair? Maybe, after a lifetime of being able-bodied, she suddenly has to cope with both disability and aging.
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Thank you for your comments.
I got the impression from seeing her that she has been in a wheelchair for a very long time.
I think that the best thing for me to have said was “I’m sorry” – and I am. I’m sorry that she feels a need to lash out instead of be civil. I’m sorry that her handicap seems to be more emotional than anything else.
We all have handicaps, and we all have baggage. Sometimes it is just invisible.
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