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Monthly Archives: April 2013

No.

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Think of those “no” signs. You know, the ones that have a picture of the thing that is not allowed and a big red diagonal line through it. No smoking. No guns. No food or drink. They don’t really tell you what is allowed, so much as what is not allowed.

The only problem with that is that we humans are programmed very oddly. If you tell someone to not think about something, the only thing they can think about is that thing. Remember the old chestnut about pink elephants?

The same works with children. I used to work in a craft store and parents would drag their children in while they looked at the wares. Everything was handmade and expensive. Not exactly the best place to be bringing your children, but there you go. The parents would invariably say “don’t touch” and the children would invariably touch everything there. It was comical and sad at the same time.

Then there was one day where a mom said something different. She said “put your hands in your pockets.” Instead of a negative command she gave a positive one. And it worked. She explained to me that they can only handle so much information, and they forget what they are told to not do. So telling them what to do helps them. Instead of saying “no running” in the library, it is better to say “walk, please.”

I remember a friend who was anti-Christianity. He wore an upside down cross. Something struck me about that. Even wearing a cross upside down, he was still wearing a cross. So he was still referring to Christianity. It seemed like it would make more sense to wear a yin-yang or a Buddha pendant, or nothing at all.

The best way to erase something is to not talk about it at all.

So I’m going to try from now on only to talk about what I think worshiping and serving God should be, not what it shouldn’t be. I’ll probably have to dip into the “not” world every now and then just to give an illustration, but I’m going to try to not stay there.

On Leaving Church

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I am on the threshold of leaving church. Not just my church, but church in general. I’m not finding what I need in it. I’m finding that it keeps people back. It doesn’t empower them. The entire structure of church as we know it these days does not teach people how to be ministers. It teaches them how to be sheep.

I don’t have butterflies in my stomach about this. They are larger than butterflies, and not as pretty. These are owls. They are large and mysterious, and they hit me when I’m alone. When I’m busy with other things they fly away. When I’m off the desk at work, or at night, they hit. They represent fear. Fear of not doing the right thing. Fear of not doing what is expected of me. Fear of straying from the path. Fear of getting lost, of getting hurt.

So – the best way to confront fear is to face it head on. Funny that it was part of the discernment process to be a deacon that taught me this. What I’ve learned from yoga and Buddhism has helped too. And there is a lot of nonviolent conflict resolution going on in this mix.

I’m standing on this cliff. I feel that everything in my life has led me to this place. I feel that the more I look at all I have learned, all the classes I’ve taken, all the books I’ve read in the past three years, have led me here and given me the strength.

What are my tools? The Diversity in Dialogue classes at the Scarritt-Bennett Center. Books such as “Codependent No More,” “Boundaries,” and “Difficult Conversations.” The homework from the deacon discernment process for the Episcopal Church. Journaling. Prayer. My entire life history – remembering the times I’ve walked out in faith away from something I knew to be wrong. I say I’m walking out in faith because I don’t know where I’m going, but I know it is time for a change.

I’m getting strength from a verse my spiritual director gave me. It is from Isaiah 30:21. It is “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”” I’m also getting strength from her teaching to “ask Jesus into it.” Any time I feel fear or angry or hurt or lost – ask Jesus into it. That way I’m not alone with my hard feelings. No priest has every taught me something so simple yet essential. I feel like they have consistently hidden something important from me.

It is time to look behind that curtain. I’m starting to see the entire structure of church as a magic trick. The magicians, the ministers, have all the tricks. They have all the power. They don’t want the punters to know how the trick works, so they can keep up the illusion that they are in charge. This is exactly like when Dorothy and her pals looked behind the curtain and saw the Wizard. He wasn’t big and powerful. He was tiny and weak. He used his machines to make him seem much bigger and louder.

What exactly am I afraid of? Being disconnected from God? God isn’t in a church. God isn’t in a building. God is in everything and in everyone. Time to dig deeper into this. What else is there?

I’m afraid of what happens if I’m not taking communion. But what is communion? A symbol. The wafer and the wine aren’t anything special. The priest doesn’t do anything except remind us that this is a reenactment of the Last Supper. The Catholics think that all other priests are doing it wrong anyway. They think only they have the ability to “confect” the elements. “Confect” is Catholic for “do magic” essentially. They think they are actually converting the wafer and the wine into the actual flesh and blood of Jesus. That is not only creepy, it is another sign of control. Come to us – we serve the only pure Jesus. Everybody else has the watered down Jesus. We have the full-strength version.

I think, maybe I just need to go to another church. Another Episcopal church, or try another Christian denomination. Or maybe even Unitarian or Baha’i. Or Buddhist.

I get more owls from thinking like that. Big flopping wings. But then I face them on – why does that frighten me to leave church? Do I think it means I’m leaving God? Am I afraid of going out on my own and getting lost?

It is like church has slapped training wheels on my bicycle. And they haven’t even begun to tell me how to ride without them. They are afraid of my independence. They are afraid that I’ll go rogue. Look out for all those lost sheep, Jesus says. Gotta go save every one.

But I’m tired of being a sheep. I don’t want to be a shepherd either. I don’t want anybody to follow me. I want them to be strong enough to hear God’s call on their own. I want them to be strong enough to find other lost people and empower them.

I remember a time in a club I was in where I was talking about teaching other people how to do something. I made glass beads and the other person made arrows. I was one of the few people in this part of the country who knew how to make glass beads by melting rods of glass onto a clay-coated mandrel. I was taught by a fourth-generation glassblower and lampworker. My friend was very good at making arrows, and had won awards for it. He was self taught. Our disagreement came when I said I taught my students everything I’d learned. I taught them all that my teacher had taught me, and everything I’d figured out on my own behind the torch, and everything I’d read in books. Meanwhile, he taught them the basics, but nothing extra. He admitted that he didn’t want his students excelling him. I strongly disagree with this way of thinking. I want my students to excel. I want them to surprise me. I want them to be able to teach me something.

I feel like the church is more like my friend than anybody wants to admit. Maybe I haven’t found the right church. Maybe that church doesn’t exist yet.

My Mom didn’t want to teach me to drive because she was afraid that I’d get lost. She knew that I was directionally impaired. She was afraid that I’d call her, wailing, lost, and because I didn’t know where I was, I’d not be able to tell her so she wouldn’t be able to rescue me. Perhaps there was kindness in her thoughts. Perhaps she really was concerned for me. Perhaps she wasn’t trying to control me. But she didn’t think of the solution. Teach me how to read a map. Give me a compass.

Every good teacher should teach their students how to be self sufficient. Students need to learn how to think, rather than what to think.

In church, I asked for training and oversight. I got put into positions of responsibility and when it was felt I’d overstepped, that position was taken away. This has happened multiple times. I’m starting to feel betrayed. When a person asks for training, it means they think they can’t do what they are called to do. To put them into a leadership position without training will only set them up for failure. To then take away that position when they cause concern does not teach them anything.

There are training programs that exist within the Episcopal church, but we don’t have them at my parish. They are EFM (Education for Ministry) and the Stephen Ministry. Both teach people how to be lay ministers.

I saw a picture of one of my favorite Christian authors (Sara Miles) distributing the ashes on Ash Wednesday, out on the streets in San Francisco. I was shocked. A lay person handling the ashes? And then I thought, why not? I went to a different church last Sunday and saw a deacon was distributing the wafers. I thought the same – that is never done. And then I thought, why not?

I got chastised by the priest for writing “My problem with church.” The conversation began with “So, did you mean to be the school shooter? Did you mean to plant the bomb on the racetrack?” This is not constructive criticism. This is very harsh. This does not open up a dialogue. I was told that I’d hurt a lot of people with what I’d written. I’m wondering why they didn’t contact me, as we are instructed to do by Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17. 15 “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

Go, and point it out to them alone. Don’t tattle on them to the teacher. I told her to look at that post as well, because I thought she needed to know where my thought processes were going these days. So it isn’t like I was doing anything in secret. But to complain to the priest instead of the person you have issue with is immature.

I started to think about who are my friends in church. There aren’t many, because there aren’t that many people in church who are anywhere near my age level. But then I thought further. All the people I’ve befriended have either already left already or are in the process of leaving. Several of them I’ve talked into staying. I’ve talked three different people into staying, trying to smooth over a disagreement that they had with either the priest or with church in general.

I feel like the point of that post has been proven, along with the one called “On Ministers, and Spoon-fed Faith.” Instead of learning “humility” as I was told I needed to learn by the priest, I’m gathering up steam.

Reformation

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A reason for the protestant reformation is that people wanted to have a say in the church. They wanted to participate. The priests were doing all the stuff in the church. So now we are here today. How much of what we have now is lip service? How much can the people really do? How much are we taught, and how much are we kept at arm’s length?

I feel that today’s church does not empower. It does not teach us how to hear the voice of God. It does not teach us how to be awake or how to serve. It teaches us to be good docile sheep.

I’m starting to have an empathy with Mary, with Peter, with Martin Luther, and with John Wesley. What was it like to be them? They all started something new, but they didn’t mean to. They had no template and no map. They all knew a change was needed, or was happening and were swept up in it. Some of them thought that they were part of the past, just bringing it up to fruition. They didn’t realize they were bringing change.

How come I am able to have conversations about God at the Y, but I can’t at church? These are deep conversations about how God has talked with us, right here, right now. I would mention something God had told me, and my conversation partner would then tell me something that God had told her. We would both be uplifted by sharing our experiences. We now seek each other out to have these conversations. There are three of us now who meet to exercise in the pool on Sunday afternoons and we have our own little version of church.

I told my priest from the very beginning of my re-joining church about my conversations with God, but when I started telling others at church about them I was chastised. I was told it was a conversation stopper. I was told that it made them uncomfortable. Of all the places in the world, it isn’t OK to talk in church about how God talks to you? I was told it made them uncomfortable because they weren’t having such experiences. Church would seem like the very place to find like-minded people. I would figure that would be a reason to go to church – because you want to share your experiences.

One reason to go to church is to share your faith. To share means to grow in it together. I like hearing about how other people hear from God. It strengthens my faith. It lets me know I’m not “hearing things.” All too often the stories from the Old Testament are just dry stories, dry as bones. They aren’t alive. When we awaken to God, when we listen to His call, we are connected. We become alive. Those stories serve as a template of sorts. They let us know we are on the right path. They let us know when it is God talking and when we are just stuck in our own heads.

Our God is not a God of the dead, but of the living. Our God is alive, and real, and loves us. Our God is constantly trying to reach out to us, to connect with us. All our lives is a returning to God. We are born into this world of division and noise, and all our souls seek unity and peace. We long for communion – for union with. To be one with.

If we go to electronics school, we expect to learn about electronics. We expect to learn about resistors and diodes and LEDs. If we go to craft school, we expect to learn how to make things. We expect to learn about pottery and glassblowing and embroidery. We expect in both instances to be given enough knowledge to be able to do it ourselves.

But church right now isn’t a school. It is a museum. The rituals have stayed the same for over 2000 years. We are told stories about past people who heard from God and acted upon His word, but we aren’t empowered to do this ourselves. We aren’t taught how to hear from God.

Is this because the ministers are afraid we’ll not need them anymore? Is this because the ministers themselves don’t hear from God? Or is there something else going on?

I’m just going to be brave here and say this. God talks to me. I have heard from God since I was 12. It isn’t all the time. I have wrestled with this reality for many years because I didn’t know if it was real or not, because I’m also bipolar. I don’t hide this. This isn’t a secret. I have twice checked myself into a hospital. Twice I have realized that something was wrong and I sought out help. I have had spiritual directors and counselors tell me that is very unusual. Most people who are way out there don’t know how close they are to the edge and they just fall off. I knew. I got help. But I’ve had way too many verifiable experiences to just think that this is all in my head.

But I’m terrified of misleading people. It is absolutely critical that I don’t lead people astray. There are way too many people who say they “hear from God” and it is obvious by their actions that the god they are talking to isn’t a very nice one, or isn’t a very healthy one. When I mention this to spiritual directors and counselors they say that my desire to not mislead people is a good sign. They say that it means that I’m on the right path. But it still concerns me, and I still hold back.

In church I asked my priest for training and for oversight. I want to know how to best help people, and I want to be watched. I don’t want to stray from the path and lead people astray. Instead of training and oversight, I got responsibility and micromanagement.

The church is like this. Say I want to go over there to help those people who are hurting. They are lost and broken and need help, but I don’t know what to do to help them. The church says that is great, so here’s a diagram to build a car to get to them. It took two years to get into the deacon discernment process. Meanwhile those people are still hurting and lost. Then once in the process, I’m asked about my spiritual history and my work history and my current financial status and there is a physical exam and a mental exam….and on and on and on. There is absolutely nothing about how to help people. It is all examining me and my motives.

Something feels very deeply wrong about all this.

Dependency

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I think it is important to teach people how to take care of themselves. I’m concerned with the number of agencies that just seem to rescue people. This is the “give a fish” mentality, versus “teach a person to fish.” If you give to them, but don’t teach them how to provide for themselves, then they will simply have to come back for more help from your agency. They become dependent, rather than independent.

There are two resources at my church that are great outreach services. They are Second Harvest and Room in the Inn. Second Harvest provides food boxes to needy families so that they can eat. Room in the Inn is a partnership with a homeless agency that provides a safe place to sleep and a meal to homeless people. These are both very labor-intensive services that are essential to the community. They help people in our community, giving to them what we as Christians are called to provide our neighbors.

While I support the idea of Second Harvest and Room in the Inn for alleviating the symptoms of poverty and homelessness, I wonder if there isn’t more that can be done? Why are we addressing the symptoms and not the cause? Why are we catching people when they fall off the cliff and not when they are moving near it? It also takes away a person’s dignity to make them have to beg.

They need to be trained to provide for themselves. They need access to health care. They need education. They need job counseling and training. They need to learn how to take care of their children so they won’t grow up poor.

I think this way about church too. I think that the entire structure of church these days makes people dependent. It doesn’t teach people how to connect with God directly. In a way, I’m envious of my Jewish friends who have rituals about everything, every day. They are reminded with every moment that they are part of the People of God. I feel like the current structure of church encourages people to stay sheep. They don’t ever learn to take off the training wheels to the bicycle. I find it interesting that I’ve had more how-to advice on how to connect with God through my spiritual director than through any priest I’ve ever known.

Now perhaps I’m over-reaching, and I’m not seeing things in a helpful way. Perhaps this is part of my problem. There is a Jewish concept that refers to the “evil inclination” that says if you can’t do the whole mitzvah, don’t even do a little bit of it. So instead of focusing on the thing that can be done, I want to work on the thing before the thing. I want to dig out the root. Perhaps that force is what is at work here. Perhaps there is a mix of all the other big heavy stuff I’m dealing with right now mixed into it.

Because right now I’ve got a lot of my past and my future catching up with me. Right now I’ve got issues I’m dealing with that concern my childhood – issues that I’ve not faced. Issues about neglect and abuse. I’ve got issues with my parents in law and their impending deaths and how they treated my husband when he was growing up. I’ve got issues with what I’m called to be and do in this world. I don’t want any of this, and I certainly don’t want it all to be happening together at the same time like it is, but there you go. We don’t get a lot of choice sometimes. So sometimes things don’t come out the way they should. But they do. And that is part of this messy business that is life, and living in community.

But perhaps I’m on to something, and the fact that I can see it means it is something that I have to work on. I do want to wake people up, but yelling at them isn’t always the best way.

Another take on “The Way” verse

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There is one verse that is attributed to Jesus that I just cannot stand. It is so exclusionary, and everything I know about Jesus is all about welcome and love. The words are from John 14:6 “Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

Perhaps you’ve heard them spouted at you by a person who used it as their final statement in a religious discussion that became an argument. It is the Christian version of “I told you so!” and “Because!”

Those words don’t allow any wiggle room. They don’t allow any discussion. They don’t allow any love.

You have to forgive the Christians. This is what they are taught. But it sure seems that some Christians are taught the “no one may come to the Father” verse more than “thou shalt not judge” and the “love your neighbor” ones.

They are taught these lines so that they feel a sense of “I’m right.” It makes them feel like they have made the right choice. They are in the club.

The only bad thing is then they use that line as a club.
That line becomes a weapon.
It becomes a division sign rather than a plus sign.

For me, being Christian should mean that you take that club and turn it into a hammer to build a Habitat for Humanity house. Or you turn it into a shovel to dig up land to grow vegetables for Second Harvest. It means you stop being selfish and start to become self-less.

It doesn’t mean that you should beat people over the head with your religion. If you have to attack people to prove your faith is right, you are doing it wrong.

You have to forgive these Christians. This behavior is very human. People like to feel like they are on the winning team. And they hate to think of their friends as being out in the cold. So really, they are trying to get you to join their team. They think they are being helpful.

The more I think about it, the more that line doesn’t sound right. It sounds really mean. I keep hoping it has been mistranslated. The “Lord’s Prayer” retranslated from the original Aramaic is a lot more mystical and beautiful – so I’m hoping that this is the same way.

I have wrestled with that line for years. When I read it, I come to a full stop. I hit a wall that I just don’t know how to deal with. It just goes against everything else that Jesus said. When I read it, I got stuck on the word “through.” Nobody can get to God without going through Jesus? Why is he standing in the way? Is he a bodyguard?

I think I’ve come up with a solution.

It means that people need to serve God in the same way that Jesus did. It means that they need to be submissive to God. It means that they need to put their own wishes and wants second and God’s will first. It means that they need to obey God even if it means giving up their lives. It means that they recognize that everything they have in life, even life itself, is a gift from God, so if He wants it back, they have to give it up.

In Living Buddha, Living Christ” by Thich Nhat Hanh said on page 55-56

“When Jesus said,”I am the way,” He meant that to have a true relationship with God, you must practice His way. I the Acts of the Apostles, the early Christians always spoke of their faith as “the Way.” To me, “I am the way” is a better statement than “I know the way.” The way is not an asphalt road. But we must distinguish between the “I” spoken by Jesus and the “I” that people usually think of. The “I” in His statement is life itself. His life, which is the way. If you do not really look at His life, you cannot see the way. If you only satisfy yourself with praising a name, even the name of Jesus, it is not practicing the life of Jesus. We must practice living deeply, loving, and acing with charity if we wish to truly honor Jesus. The way is Jesus Himself and not just some idea of Him. A true teaching is not static. It is not mere words but the reality of life. Many who have neither the way nor the life try to impose on others what they believe to be the way. But these are only words that have no connection with real life or a real way.”

I find it interesting that a Buddhist monk has a better grasp on Jesus than many Christians.

Don’t be afraid.

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How many times are we told to not be afraid in the Bible?
What is the opposite of fear? Love.

I’m going to say something radical. Brace yourself.
Love everything you are afraid of. Love everything that frightens you, that worries you, that concerns you.

Love your chronic health condition(s). Love your friend’s brain cancer diagnosis. Love your fat. Love your back pain. Love your hoarder husband. Love your crazy next door neighbor.

The more we fight against things, the harder they get. The more we struggle, the more difficult things are.

You can’t have a baby if you are tense. Relax into the pain. Ride it out. Know it will pass.

And like with any other transformation, something amazing will be born out of this pain.

We hate change. We like to be in control. We fear the unknown.
Our hate, our need to control, our fear doesn’t change the reality.
It only makes it harder to accept it.

The only thing we have control over is our reaction.

Learn deep breathing. Eat healthy foods. Get exercise daily. Try yoga. Journal. Paint. Sing out loud. Find your creative outlet. Do this every day. Learn to trust the process.

And remember to love. To love is to welcome the change, to embrace it.
“Perfect love casts out fear,” Jesus tells us.

How do we know we are not a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly?
How do we know we are not a tadpole about to become a frog?

We are about to trade a life of crawling for one of soaring.
We are about to trade a life of water for air and land.

Don’t fight it. Let it happen. Know that God is in control of all things and God is in everything.

You are loved, and you are blessed. Remember the swallow. Remember the lily of the valley.

Don’t be afraid. Love.

Love your enemies.

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What is the Christian response to acts of terrorism? In short, love.
This is the most paradoxical thing. Yet we cannot fight fire with fire.

We are told to love our enemies.

Matthew 5:43-48

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers and sisters,[o] what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

We are told to overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:14

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.”

Romans 12:17-21

“17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. 18 If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God;[g] for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 No, “if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

We are told to turn the other cheek.

Matthew 5:38-42

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also; 40 and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well; 41 and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile. 42 Give to everyone who begs from you, and do not refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you.

We are told to love our neighbors (which is everybody).

Mark 12:28-31

28 One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, “Which commandment is the first of all?” 29 Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; 30 you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

When we don’t know what to do or say in a difficult situation, we are told to pray for the right words, and advised that the Holy Spirit will give them to us. We are warned that it isn’t easy to be a follower of Jesus.

Matthew 10:16-22

16 “See, I am sending you out like sheep into the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. 17 Beware of them, for they will hand you over to councils and flog you in their synagogues; 18 and you will be dragged before governors and kings because of me, as a testimony to them and the Gentiles. 19 When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you at that time; 20 for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. 21 Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death; 22 and you will be hated by all because of my name. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.

These are hard things to do, especially in a world that seeks retaliation and revenge. We are called to be a fixing to the evil of the world. We are called to be the cure to the disease of sin and hate and separation. We are called to build bridges, not walls. We are called to love. If loving your enemy is hard, remember to invite Jesus into it. Ask him to be with you in that feeling, to help you understand what you are feeling, to help transform it into love.

(All verses are from the New Revised Standard Version translation of the Bible.)

Be persistent.

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There are two stories in the Gospels that I like that I keep mixing up. I’m going to try to get a grasp on them here and maybe figure out why I like them so much. Most of the translations are from the NRSV translation, but I may have gotten those mixed up too. I have used several different websites to copy and paste these verses from and they have different defaults.

One is about the faith of a Gentile woman whose daughter was possessed by a demon. Let’s look at Matthew 15.

“21 Jesus left that place and went away to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22 Just then a Canaanite woman from that region came out and started shouting, “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is tormented by a demon.” 23 But he did not answer her at all. And his disciples came and urged him, saying, “Send her away, for she keeps shouting after us.” 24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, help me.” 26 He answered, “It is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.” 27 She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.” 28 Then Jesus answered her, “Woman, great is your faith! Let it be done for you as you wish.” And her daughter was healed instantly.”

There is another telling in the Gospel according to Mark, in Mark 7:24-30. In Mark’s telling the woman is a Syrophoenician, not a Canaanite, but the point is the same. The details don’t matter, the story does, and the story is the same in both. In both, the woman is a Gentile. In both, her daughter is possessed by a demon. In both, Jesus was a little ticked off that she would presume to ask him to heal her daughter. He dismisses the woman twice, finally referring to her as a dog. He thinks that he is just there to bring healing to the Jews. He can’t be bothered with someone who isn’t Jewish. But then, she is persistent. She doesn’t turn away from his first rebuff. She doesn’t stop when he calls her a dog, which is a pretty low insult.

Then there is this story. It is a woman who suffered from an “issue of blood” as some of the accounts translate it. This had gone on for 12 years. She was unclean in the most basic way in Jewish life. Menstrual blood was seen as a sign of defilement. Not only was the woman unclean, but anything she sat on was unclean. Anyone who sat on something she had sat on was then, themselves, unclean. Women who were on their periods were treated like lepers. For twelve years she was ostracized because of this malady.

Let’s look at Mark 5:25-34. “25 Now there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years. 26 She had endured much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had; and she was no better, but rather grew worse. 27 She had heard about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, 28 for she said, “If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well.” 29 Immediately her hemorrhage stopped; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. 30 Immediately aware that power had gone forth from him, Jesus turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my clothes?” 31 And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing in on you; how can you say, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 He looked all around to see who had done it. 33 But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling, fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. 34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”

This story also appears in Matthew 9:20-22 and Luke 8:43-47, with little change. I like this version because it points out that she had spent all her money and “endured much “ from many doctors and they hadn’t helped, and in fact she had gotten worse. This makes her plight even more sad.

In both, he was surprised at the faith of the women. In both, he tells them that their faith has made them well. He doesn’t say that they were healed because of his power – it was their faith in his power, which comes from God.

They have other things in common. They were persistent. They were active in their faith. They didn’t wait for healing to come to them, they went to it.

Somehow when I tell the story, it is a Canaanite woman who suffers from an issue of blood. So I’ve mixed up the stories. Somehow I never cross the story the other way – it never is a story about a sneaky woman who is trying to steal power to heal her demon-possessed daughter. Demon possession? Who is to say that wasn’t the first century explanation for mental illness? But I digress.

I also like the fact that the person who is sick in the first story isn’t the one who is asking for help. It is the woman’s daughter. It is the woman herself who is asking. Her prayer is known as an intercessory prayer. Her faith in Jesus brought healing to her daughter, who was unable or unwilling to ask for help.

How many people do you know who are like that? They think they are beyond help? They think that they are not worthy of healing? They think they deserve their pain?

This now reminds me of the story of Jesus and the Centurion. This is in Luke 7:1-8.
“After Jesus had finished all his sayings in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2 A centurion there had a slave whom he valued highly, and who was ill and close to death. 3 When he heard about Jesus, he sent some Jewish elders to him, asking him to come and heal his slave. 4 When they came to Jesus, they appealed to him earnestly, saying, “He is worthy of having you do this for him, 5 for he loves our people, and it is he who built our synagogue for us.” 6 And Jesus went with them, but when he was not far from the house, the centurion sent friends to say to him, “Lord, do not trouble yourself, for I am not worthy to have you come under my roof; 7 therefore I did not presume to come to you. But only speak the word, and let my servant be healed. 8 For I also am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes, and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes, and to my slave, ‘Do this,’ and the slave does it.” 9 When Jesus heard this he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd that followed him, he said, “I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith.” 10 When those who had been sent returned to the house, they found the slave in good health.”

Here’s another story where Jesus was surprised by a Gentile’s faith. The Centurion served the Romans – the enemies of the Jews. This one had done good things for the Jews, so he was allowed by the disciples to get close to Jesus.

Now I’m reminded of Matthew 7:7.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (NIV)

Here’s another translation, and I find it significant that in translating it as “keep on asking…” it refers again to persistence.

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. (NLT)

Here’s another one that tells us to be persistent.

Luke 18:1-8
18 Then Jesus told them a parable about their need to pray always and not to lose heart. 2 He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor had respect for people. 3 In that city there was a widow who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Grant me justice against my opponent.’4 For a while he refused; but later he said to himself, ‘Though I have no fear of God and no respect for anyone, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will grant her justice, so that she may not wear me out by continually coming.’”[b] 6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says.7 And will not God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long in helping them? 8 I tell you, he will quickly grant justice to them. And yet, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

Don’t give up. Keep asking. Keep praying. Even if you don’t think you are being heard. Even if you aren’t sure. Even if the prayer isn’t for you. Keep on praying. Know that you will be heard. It will all work out in God’s time. Remember, it is “thy will be done” not “my will be done.”

On ministers, and spoon-fed faith.

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I’m wrestling with the idea of ministers. I’m wrestling with it from several directions. I have an issue with ordained ministers. I have an issue with people who aren’t ordained and call themselves ministers. Then I have an issue with the entire idea of ministers at all. So I’m going to try to work out where I’m coming from and where I’m going by writing about it.

I believe that each person has within them a unique perspective. I think that each person’s insight into what is Truth is valuable. I liken it to the story of the five blind men and the elephant. Each person in the story was touching a different part of the elephant and each person thought they had the whole thing. They thought that their particular understanding of what they were experiencing was truth. But each person was wrong because they only had a small part of it. It was only when they started comparing what they were experiencing did they start to understand that the elephant was far bigger than they had apprehended. This story is usually used to illustrate how each faith tradition should interact with each other and that no one faith has a lock on who God (YHWH, Allah, The Divine, the Creator…) is. But I expand this story. I use it to point out that each person’s understanding of God is valuable. Everybody needs to share.

With a top-down lead church, with a minister in charge, nobody gets to share. It is a passive experience. The people sit and listen to one person say what God is. Perhaps some people need that for a while. Perhaps they need a God with training wheels. But I’d rather them learn that they are strong enough to ride on their own.

I have a big problem with the entire idea of people being passive about their faith. I think it is dangerous. I think our souls are too important to be handed over to another person. I think we all need to be accountable to each other, and we need to be in community. I’m not about mavericks. But I think everybody needs to participate in the conversation as to who God is. When we entrust our spiritual health and our spiritual path to one person it is giving away our own power.

I believe that knowing Truth is like looking into the heart of a diamond. I believe that each person sees the heart of the diamond in a different way. What you see is valid for you, and what I see is valid for me. Together, when we compare notes, we gain a better understanding of what is there.

Then these pop-up strip-mall churches concern me. There is no training. Would you go to a doctor who gets his authority just because he says he is a doctor? He hasn’t been to medical school. As far as you know he hasn’t even read a medical book. He believed that he has a gift for healing so he says he is a doctor and starts accepting patients. He also has no oversight. There is no established authority over him that monitors what he does. There is no recourse when he does something wrong. So why not have the same training and oversight for a self-proclaimed minister? If you are going to say you are in charge of the spiritual health of others, then it is important that you aren’t going to mislead them.

There is a guy in California who styles himself Archbishop Carl Bean. He founded the Unity Fellowship of Christ Church in Los Angeles. Archbishop? Really? Is that all it takes? Get people to listen to your take on the Bible and then apparantly you can call yourself anything you want. Most of the links on his church’s website are asking for donations for his retirement fund. I find this highly suspicious. I had a coworker whose grandfather started the church that he goes to. The grandfather’s title is Bishop. Again, we have the same issue. Start a church, get a title. Something seems very wrong about this. I also know of a lady in Nashville who calls herself “Minister Lois Grady”. She uses this title on her book and her Facebook page. I know people who are ordained priests who don’t use their title on their Facebook page. They’ve had three years of graduate school and gone through enough paperwork to kill several trees and more committees than the President meets with to get that title. In every mainline church there are rules about who gets to be called Bishop or any other title. You can’t just declare yourself Bishop. You can’t just declare yourself a minister, either, which is the first step.

But then what does Jesus say about ministers? Let’s look at Matthew 23: 8-12. Jesus says “8 But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher, and you are all students. 9 And call no one your father on earth, for you have one Father—the one in heaven. 10 Nor are you to be called instructors, for you have one instructor, the Messiah. 11 The greatest among you will be your servant. 12 All who exalt themselves will be humbled, and all who humble themselves will be exalted.” (NRSV)

So it sounds like Jesus is against the idea of anybody calling themselves “Father” or “Rabbi” or “Teacher” – or any other title indicating authority.

None of the apostles were ordained. Neither was Saint Francis, who founded the order of the Franciscans. Neither was Mother Theresa.

Then there is the idea that every person who is a baptized Christian is a minister. We are all called to preach the Gospel, the good news that God loves us and has forgiven us of all our mistakes and faults. We are all commanded to love and show love. In the same way that Jesus loved, we are to love.

There are faiths where there are no ordained ministers. Quaker and Sikh are two that come to mind. But then there are establishing faiths that have a very strict system in place to ordain ministers, and that is still not a guarantee that they are any good. They can in fact be criminals in cassocks. Just because you have passed a criminal background check does not mean that you won’t ever break a law in the future. And when they do break laws, their crimes are covered up so they can continue to damage their congregants. So being ordained and part of a faith tradition that says there is oversight is no guarantee of safety or true teaching.

I’m not alone in seeing problems with the church. There are Facebook groups called “Christians for a Change”, “Christians tired of being misrepresented,” “Kissing fish: Christianity for people who don’t like Christianity,” and “The Christian Left.” There are hundreds of books talking about how it is time to strip away a lot of the “stuff”

I believe each person needs to take an active role in their faith. I believe that every person needs to wrestle with their faith in a similar manner as Jacob. I believe that each person needs to read every holy scripture from every faith tradition. I believe that people need to stop having their faith spoon-fed to them.

My problem with church.

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I’m starting to realize what my problem is with church. It is self-sustaining. It is self-centered. I don’t just mean my parish or denomination. I mean church in general. I mean The Church.

I went to a “lay ministry appreciation day” a few years ago. It was the second such one that my diocese had put on. Every parish from all over the diocese was invited. That is 45 different congregations. At least 150 people were there. I felt something different this time than I had the first time. I felt like I’d wasted my time. I felt cheated. I felt like maybe my church was on the wrong path. I’m starting to wonder if church in general is on the wrong path. I felt like I was seeing behind the scenes for the first time, like in the Wizard of Oz.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still very much for Jesus. I just think the church has gotten in the way. I think the church has become more interested in keeping the church going than in being the Body of Christ.

I’d gone to the first Lay Ministry Appreciation Day and not felt this. I was swept up in learning about how to be a lector and an acolyte. I think I heard a little about how to be a chalice bearer but I wasn’t one yet so I didn’t pay much attention. There were classes on everything that is done in the church to make it go.

There was a grand procession where we all wore our vestments and marched around the cathedral carrying banners and crosses. The Bishop celebrated the Eucharist and chanted it. There was incense. There were Sanctus bells. It was everything I’d ever wanted in a communion experience. It was as high church as you can get and not be Orthodox. The worship experience at my parish is very simple, so I really appreciated this different way to worship God.

Then the last year I went it was the same but I was different. On the evaluation form I wrote how sad I was that we spent so many hours learning how to do church but not learning how to be The Church. We talk about Christ, but we don’t learn how to be Christians. That feeling is getting even stronger every day.

My husband and I have been checking out other churches over the past few months. They are still Episcopal churches, currently. But I’m seeing a horrible trend. When I look up their websites I see the same things under the “ministry” tab. They are all about “inreach” rather than “outreach.” The vast majority of ministries are about making the church go. Setting up for church (altar guild). Participating in the worship itself (lector and chalice bearer and acolyte). There are opportunities for different groups to eat out or go bowling or shop. Perhaps there is a Zumba class. But there is nothing about social outreach, or if there is, it is marginalized. Even our pastoral care is about taking care of people who are already members of the church. Something feels missing here.

Church is not a social club. Well, it is, kind of. But the goal has to be to build up the Body of Christ. We can hang out with each other while we are doing something that is what Jesus said to do. Feed the hungry. Welcome the immigrant. Visit prisoners. Clothe the naked.

I went to a retreat recently and I noticed that in the instructions it said to bring snacks and an “adult beverage.” There was no mention of bringing a Bible. Wine wins over Word. I find this very sad.

I’ve heard that very few Episcopalians read the Bible. The argument is that we hear it every Sunday. The Bible is broken up into four readings every Sunday, and there is a three-year rotation. There is an Old Testament reading, a Psalm, an Epistle (a letter), and a Gospel reading. If you’ve gone to church every Sunday for three years, you’ve heard a good portion of the Bible. But you haven’t heard all of it, and hearing it isn’t the same as studying it.

Look at Luke 4:1-13, where Jesus was being tempted by the Devil in the wilderness. Even Jesus read the Bible. He knew how to counter the Devil with the Word. Any time the Devil pushed him to do something wrong, he knew how to answer him with Truth. In order to do that he had to have read the Bible and fully understood it.

I think this is important to note. He was the Son of God. He was the Word made flesh. And he read and studied the Bible. If Jesus, who is so much higher than all of us, took time to read and study the Bible, then we should study it all the more. We need to be able to think for ourselves to counter the challenges we get every day. The Devil himself doesn’t come up to us and challenge us, but we certainly get tempted and sidetracked from the Way. We need to know how to respond to those challenges. God means for us to use the brains He gave us.

In the Orthodox Church, every person is expected to read the Bible for themselves. Their pope is considered to be equal with everyone else and is not considered infallible. People are expected to keep him in line by knowing the Bible for themselves. If he says something that isn’t true, they are expected to recognize it and speak up. What a different idea that is! If it weren’t for the fact that they won’t ordain women, I’d consider joining.

Within church there are about 10% of the people who do all the work. There are so many who sit in the pews, every week, and do nothing. I wonder what they do during the week. Are they active in their faith? Do they treat everyone they meet with the same kindness that Jesus did? Or are they as passive on Tuesday as they are on Sunday?

And then there is the idea of money. I don’t want to give to the church. I want to give through the church. I don’t want to support a machine. I want my money to go to people who need it. I’m busy, working 40 hours a week. I don’t have the time to help everyone who needs it. But I expect the church to help me with that. I expect the church to have determined people who need help and my money to go towards helping them.

When we had a stewardship drive, they mentioned that they were down. The amount of expenses were over the amount of pledges coming in. So they said we had two choices. Either pledge more, or get a friend to come to church with us and get them to pledge. No. There is a third choice. Cut expenses. When everything broke one year at my house (water heater, A/C and heater, and roof) we cut expenses. We had to get a second mortgage, and to pay for it we stopped eating out. We cut out the home phone. We cut out cable. I sold my car and got a cheaper one. This is how I run my house. I didn’t expect a renter to move in to pay the bills. I didn’t go to my boss and ask for a raise.

The vestry had a plan recently that they thought was great. “Adopt an expense.” So, on top of your tithe, you could decide to “buy” a line expense. You could pay for the copy paper. Or the electricity. So what does the tithe go to, if it isn’t paying for that?

Then there was a time where there was a debate about going to one service. We currently have two services during the school year, and one during the summer. The hope was that we would have one service year round. We have a nave that will seat 300 people, but only about 60 show up to each service. It would be nice to have one service. For me, I’d like it because I’d only have to schedule one service – with just a few people who are stepping up to the plate to serve, it would be great to just have one service. It would be nice because we’d all be together. It is hard when there are two services – there’s half the church that doesn’t know the other half.

But the argument was that we should only have one service to save money on heat and electricity. That nave is huge, and it takes a lot of power to heat and cool it. At the same time they were having a “Bunco” gathering in the church. The ladies of the church were meeting to play a gambling game with dice. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was opposed to that. So we have electricity and heat for a gambling game, but not for a second service? I’m still angry just thinking about it. We also have wine tastings. Imagine the look on Jesus’ face when he shows up at our door and says “You’re doing WHAT in my Father’s house? From Luke 3:8, we hear John saying “Bear fruits worthy of repentance.” I’d hate to think that Jesus died so we can play games in his Father’s building, and have wine tastings.

I do pay 10% of my net income to the church. I pay it electronically every month so I don’t even notice it. It isn’t a hardship. But I won’t give more. I volunteer in church – I’m a lector, a chalice bearer, and an acolyte. I schedule the lectors and chalice bearers and train them. But I won’t do more there like that. I think others need to step up. I’ve been asked to be in charge of the Sunday School. I’ve been asked to be on the altar guild. I’ve been asked to be on the vestry. I think others need to fill those holes.

I volunteer by tutoring ESL kindergarteners. I have volunteered with Second Harvest. I have learned CPR. I have become a severe weather spotter to help out the National Weather Service give severe weather reports. I’ve taken a pastoral care class. I’ve attended numerous interfaith gatherings. I’m active. I wrestle with my faith and encourage others.

I want my church to do more. I don’t want to start a new church. I don’t want to have to find a new church. I want the one I attend to get caught up in the Holy Spirit. I want it to come alive. I want everybody in my church to take it seriously. I want people to see God through us. I want us to take the words of the dismissal seriously – to go forth to love and serve the Lord. From John 3:17-18, “17 How does God’s love abide in anyone who has the world’s goods and sees a brother or sister in need and yet refuses help? 18 Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action.”

I’ll end with this.

Luke 13:1-9 (NRSV)
There were some present who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. He asked them, “Do you think that because these Galileans suffered in this way they were worse sinners than all other Galileans? No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all perish as they did. Or those eighteen who were killed when the tower of Siloam fell on them–do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others living in Jerusalem? No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all perish just as they did.”
Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came looking for fruit on it and found none. So he said to the gardener, ‘See here! For three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and still I find none. Cut it down! Why should it be wasting the soil?’ He replied, ‘Sir, let it alone for one more year, until I dig around it and put manure on it. If it bears fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.'”

I’ll work on and with this church for another year. If it doesn’t bear fruit, then I’m gone.